Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 01 – A break-up is just an obstacle.

Previously: EL James does not include any sort of recap in chapter one of this book. Even J.K. Rowling reminds us in every book that Harry Potter is a wizard. But not EL James. She’s counting on you having survived her first book and remembered it. In that spirit, so will I. Go check out the Fifty Shades of Grey recaps if you need a refresher.

And hello again, lovelies.
Here we go.
—

Lorraine: SURPRISE! There’s a prologue in this book. It’s bonus content and we just got started!

Wait. I have now immediately regretted calling this “bonus content” as it is a violent scene. It’s told from the perspective of a child who hides as he watches his mother being hit with a belt. The man hitting her repeats, “you are one fucked up bitch,” six times. The child plugs his ears as he watches his mother die. The man goes looking for him, and finds him.

So, this is clearly about Christian Grey. I’m not going to complicate my life and pretend otherwise, even though the prologue never says it outright. Grey wakes up from this nightmare drenched in sweat. “They’re back,” he thinks as he tries to calm down.

That was a little heavy. I’m not really sure how to handle that, so I’m going to pull a Christian Grey and ignore it for now.

Sweeney: LALALALALAICAN’THEARYOU. Wait, can we do this for the whole book? Why didn’t we do this last time?

Lor: Probably because people would stop reading our recaps. D:

Chapter one starts thus:

“I have survived Day Three Post-Christian.”

WHAT?

IT HAS ONLY BEEN THREE DAYS BETWEEN BOOKS?

I am not a fan of this development. In fact, it caused me to do a little research. I was reminded that the original fan-fiction, Master of the Universe, was one work. It was broken up into three parts for publishing. I’m sure it will continue to be very clear that this isn’t a true second book, and only a pitiful way to charge people more money for a single, stupid plot.

Sweeney: This leaves me equal parts (1) appalled and (2) admiring the evil genius of it. Well played, asshole publishers, well played.

Lor: It is Anastasia Steele’s first day of work, which she calls a welcome distraction. After the uncrossable gulf of time that is THREE WHOLE DAYS, her entire life is just begging for a distraction. Might as well be gainful employment, right, so we can keep on pretending James cared about making her characters real people.

Ana mentions that her new boss Jack Hyde is part of that distraction. She murmurs at Jack that she’ll be leaving and he’s all, “yeah it’s 5:30. Leave.” If you were wondering if murmurs were still going to be a thing, well, there you go. If you are wondering why the hell we needed to have this entire useless exchange included in the introductory page of this book, you must be new here! Youth Mauling Bear waves hello. Welcome.

 

Sweeney: He seems so friendly. This must be why so few youths are getting their much deserved bear-mauling.

Lor: It’s all a ruse. How else would you get the youths to approach?

Ana heads outside and takes a deep breath, but “it doesn’t begin to fill the void in [her] chest.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that the void in her head isn’t helped at all either.

Back at her apartment, Ana is alone and she stares at a brick wall. These are the types of brilliant details you can expect from EL. This goes on until someone buzzes her door. It’s a delivery guy and he brings two dozen white rose.

“Congratulations on your first day at work. I hope it went well. And thank you for the glider. That was very thoughtful.
It has pride of place on my desk.
Christian. “

Uh, that’s cool Christian. BUT WHO SENDS “HAPPY FIRST DAY OF WORK” FLOWERS THREE DAYS AFTER THEY ARE DUMPED? What about “your need to cause me physical pain and my need for self preservation probably mean we shouldn’t see each other ever again,” translates to sending flowers?

Sweeney: LOL, SORRY ABOUT THE YEARS OF THERAPY YOU NOW NEED BECAUSE OF ME, ENJOY THE FLOWERS!

Lor: Ana tells us that so her life goes: wake, work, cry, sleep. Also, she has to avoid all music, even the jingles in TV commercials. Every instrument, every arrangement, every song reminds her of Grey, apparently. This is so fucking dumb. Look, guys, I’ve been on the “ouch” side of a bad break up. It happens. And there are stupid things we go through when dealing with the pain. For instance, purple eye shadow always reminded me of one dude because he always noted when I wore it and would comment on how it brought out the color of my eyes. For a while, purple eye shadow equaled feelings. BUT I DID NOT STOP WEARING ALL MAKE-UP.

“I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak.“

OH BOO FUCKING HOO. This is so morose and overly dramatic. I can’t take much more of this.

I’m on page 4.

Sweeney: I feel like I had been in a state of blissful denial over how awful the writing was/is/will always be. Like, I remembered it being bad, but I was like, “Yeah, we’ll do this again for the blog!” Then I started reading and it was like INSTA-RAGE.Why are we doing this again?

Lor: I don’t know. We like this blog, or something.

We cut to Ana at work. She hasn’t been eating well and Jack’s hovering annoys her. But what is this? An email from Christian Grey? Yes, because apparently stalker boyfriend doesn’t really understand the notion of a break-up.

Sweeney:

Sorry, this is all I’ve got. I’m still too angry with myself.

Lor:

“Forgive this intrusion at work. I hope that it’s going well. Did you get my flowers?
I note that tomorrow is the gallery opening for your friend’s show, and I’m sure you’ve not had time to purchase a car, and it’s a long drive. I would be more than happy to take you- should you wish.

Let me know.”

Ana starts crying so she runs to the bathroom. She forgot all about Josecob’s show! “Why hasn’t Jose phoned?” Ana wonders. “Come to think of it- why hasn’t anyone phoned?” MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ARE SHITTY FRIEND ANA. One who just randomly forgets about her friends from time to time.

She figures out she hasn’t heard from anyone because she forwarded all her calls to the Blackberry, which she gave back to Christian. She then wonders how he got her new e-mail address.

“He knows my shoes size, an e-mail address is hardly going to present him with many problems.”

Really, girlfriend? Your shoe size? I would’ve started that sentence in any of these ways:

– He tracked my cell phone…
– He found me while on vacation…
– He threatened to find me anywhere in the world…
– He knows all my family’s government names…

Just, you know, off the top of my head.

Ana thinks some more about how much she misses him. She decides that despite how painful it’ll be, she wants to see Grey because it’s been five whole days now, you guys and she’s probably forgotten what he looks like. She emails him back and says she’d appreciate that ride.

They exchange a couple more short emails and it is decided that he will “collect her” at 5:45. When Christian Grey says, “I will collect you,” I get all sorts of serial killer vibes.

Sweeney: It’s a new book, so we need to remind everyone of the intense amount of HI, IMMA KILL YOU TONIGHT that Christian Grey radiates. At a certain point I’m sure we’ll lose track again.

Lor: The promise of seeing Grey makes her a tad less sad, and she doesn’t even cry herself to sleep that night! Instead she thinks about how Grey believes he doesn’t deserve to be loved.

“Why does he feel that way? Is it something to do with his upbringing? His birth mom, the crack whore?”

LOL. “Crack whore” gets me every time.

Sweeney: Still one of the best things to come out of FSoG. Also, I love that Ana’s “fear of punishment” is one of her “issues” that they were “skirting around.” As if this and Christian Grey’s being a stalking serial killer are even remotely comparable things.

Lor: So, it’s now the day for Jose’s show and guess what Ana is wearing. Guess. Guess. Guess.

YEP. KATE’S PLUM DRESS. SHE IS WEARING IT AGAIN.

Sweeney: WHY? JUST. WHY? I’d consider tapping into the fictional booze fund to buy fictional Ana some new (L: Fictional!) clothes, but then I remember that somebody did that and she still wore the same damned dress all the time always. I can’t imagine Kate will ever actually wear it again at this point, so I’m not sure why she continues to call it Kate’s / keep it in Kate’s closet. Kate is probably wondering how it keeps ending up there.

Lor: “Something smells like low self-esteem and abuse in my closet again. THE PLUM DRESS,” says Kate every time she finds it.

Jack Hyde asks her if she has a date and Ana says she’s going out with her ex-boyfriend. Jack takes this opportunity to ask Ana out. Let’s imagine Ana from Jack’s perspective for a sec. She cries all the time at work, never eats, gets annoyed when you ask her personal questions and is probably sighing and blushing constantly. But, this is Ana Steele so all men must love her.

Outside, Grey’s Audi is waiting. Ana climbs in and, there he is. Christian Grey.

This moment would’ve been more impacting if:

– The break-up had not in fact happened FIVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS AGO.
– If it were not still in chapter one.
– If in these few pages of chapter one, we had not gotten flowers and an email from Grey.
– If the reason for their meeting had not so stupidly contrived. Doesn’t your best friend that bitch Katherine Kavanaugh have a car you borrow all the time? Couldn’t Grey send a car and stay his ass at home?

Sweeney: CONTRIVANCE IS THE TRAUMALAND SPECIAL!

Lor: WHATEVER. Here’s Grey, GRAY! eyes glowing. I’ve previously noted that Grey only comes in two forms: horny or agitated. Currently? Agitated.

“He looks glorious except he’s scowling at me. Oh no!
“When did you last eat?” he snaps as Taylor closes the door behind me.”

Oh wow! I was just thinking that I totally miss that they thing do where they fight over what Ana eats in every chapter! Besides, since it’s only been five days, questions like, “how’s your health?” “how’s your family?” “how’s the weather?” “seen any good movies lately?” or “read any good books lately” don’t really work in this situation.

Ana tells him she had a yogurt and a banana and God, the literary adrenaline I’m experiencing right now is CRAZY. I’m so glad that now that Ana and Grey are finally back together, we’re discussing yogurt. Grey wants to know when she had a proper meal and Ana murmurs, “Christian, that really is none of your concern.” She tells us she feels “extraordinarily brave” when she says this, and I for one know that when I’m feeling brave, I speak unintelligibly, soft and low. You know, ’cause that’s what murmur means, EL James. Look it up.

Grey is all, “I’m a stalker boyfriend so every detail of you life concerns me,” and Ana rolls her eyes. When Grey gets all pissy about it, she wants to LOL but holds it in. Grey softens a little after this and asks again about her last meal again. She whispers that it was the pasta she ate with him, last Friday. Grey asks Ana to please eat as she looks like she’s lost five pounds already.

Sweeney: This whole scene is so ridiculous. I know we just got started with this book, but I have to ask it, yet again: HOW IS THAT SO MANY WOMEN WANT CHRISTIAN GREY? Honestly, in this case, Lor’s version wasn’t reaching and was, quite frankly, probably kinder than the RAGEFACED interrogation of his EX-GIRLFRIEND’S eating habits. Yes, hot stuff right there.

Lor: Now he asks how she is and Ana answers that if she said fine, it’d be lying. “Me too,” Grey murmurs. I guess he’s feeling exceptionally brave. “I miss you,” Grey says and he grabs Ana’s hand. Grey wants to talk but Ana’s gonna cry if they do. “I’ve cried so much,” Ana whispers, so Grey pulls her into his lap.

“I want to struggle out of his hold, to maintain some distance, but his arms are wrapped around me. He’s pressing me into his chest. I melt. Oh, this is where I want to be.”

I WANT to struggle out of his hold… This is where I WANT to be. GIRL. SHUT UP. YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU WANT.

Sweeney: It’s worth mentioning that she again tells us of his Christian-like aroma. I’m glad so many annoying things are kept constant!

Lor: They get to a building with a helipad, so that Grey can fly them to Portland. The get out of the car and:

“I feel that familiar pull- I am drawn, Icarus to his sun. I have been burned already, and yet here I am again.”

When you read book 2 in a series, it’s always like being reunited with old friends. But because I hate Ana and Christian and this stupid plot probably more than I hate famine and natural disasters, the friends I’m being reunited with are a tad bit different. Like, “oh, hey blind rage! I’ve missed you.” “What up, manipulation? It’s been too long.” “Hey, murmuring! We should do lunch.” “Yo, Icarus. My man. Fist pound.”

Sweeney: Have I mentioned lately just how much I love you? I may hate this book, but you?

Lor: A Buffy gif makes it even more special!

Inside the building, they get on the elevator, and OMG! Elevators! You haven’t changed a bit. Once inside, we get some bullshit about the air being palpably charged with electricity, so much so, that Ana gasps, “oh my.” “I feel it too,” Grey says.

Sweeney: My favorite!

Lor: 

“Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”

Uh, what? GIRL. You are doing “being horny” wrong.

“Holy cow. How can he still do this to me?
“Please don’t bite your lip, Anastasia,” he whispers.
I gaze up at him, releasing my lip. I want him. Here, now, in the elevator. How could I not?
“You know what it does to me,” he murmurs.
Oh, I still affect him. My inner goddess stirs from her five-day sulk.”

Restless lip syndrome, holy cow, inner goddess. There you all are.

Also, “you still affect him?” IT’S BEEN FIVE DAYS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN “STILL?”

This entire getting into the helicopter bit is a straight copy and paste from the first book, down to the “I like you in this harness.”

They fly over Seattle, and Christian points out Escala, Boeing and the Space Needle. I recently took a trip to Seattle for vacation and it was absolutely lovely. On a walk to Pike Place Market, I actually passed Escala. I didn’t even notice it on the way there, but caught it on the way back. I posted a picture on our Facebook.

Ana’s never been to the Space Needle and Grey says he’ll take her. Ana’s all, “WE BROKE UP,” and Grey’s all, “I can still take you places where we can be together and eat.” Uh, like a date? LIKE A DATE? He clearly has no idea what it means to be dumped. Namely, NO YOU CANNOT TAKE HER ON DATES ANYMORE. They chit chat a little more as they fly in the dusk and Ana says, “I am Icarus again, flying far too close.”

You are Icarus again again again again again again again again again again again, you mean. Because that’s twice in just this chapter.

They land and get in the car that will take them to the gallery. Christian is brooding for some reason and I’m not sure why. Ana murmurs that Jose is just a friend, thinking maybe that’s what’s got him pissy. Grey’s response is to tell her her eyes are now too big for her face. Well, tell me how you really feel, jeez. Grey again tells her to eat and Ana says she will. “I mean it,” Grey says and this pisses Ana off.

Grey doesn’t want to fight. He wants Ana back and healthy, but Ana counters that nothing has changed. Grey wants to talk later, though, because they’ve reached the gallery. Ana clambers out of the car. Look, Sweeney! Your old friend, clamber.

Sweeney: 

That was for Ana, not you. No, maybe you too. I’m overwhelmed by my anger and I hate everyone right now. Sorry, Lor. We can be friends again tomorrow, in Sunnydale.

Lor: Okay, fair.

The girl that greets them as they enter the gallery calls Ana by her name, even though she doesn’t know her. Grey goes off to get Ana alcohol because I’m pretty sure she’s been sober these FIVE DAYS which is probably also unacceptable to Grey. (S: His infatuation with keeping her drunk is inconsistent with obsession with her health. Of course, so is his beating the shit out of her and destroying her emotionally, so whatever.) Josecob comes over and says hello to Ana and she almost cries, because this is her only friend besides Kate. Her dear, dear friend she forgets about for days at a time. Josecob shows a little concern for her weight loss and tearing eyes, but Ana’s all, “I’m fine,” and gets annoyed because she HATES concern.

Sweeney: Except when it’s from Stalker Boyfriend. Her ex can berate her and tell her how she should be eating and panties drop around the globe, but fuck these so-called “friend” bitches with their actual concern for her well-being.

Lor: Jose gets a little sad when he finds out Grey brought her. He starts to warn her about something, but gets pulled away by the hostess. Grey rejoins Ana and comments on Josecob being talented. A photographer asks Grey for a picture and he allows it, pulling Ana in for it. This opens the door for Ana’s confession that she Google image searched him and found no pictures of him with women. Grey whispers that only Ana got dates with him.

As they walk around the gallery, they find a little section dedicated to seven portraits of Ana. It explains why she’s been getting looks from people. Ana remembers Jose playing around with the camera but didn’t know he was actually going to use them for anything. Grey is pissed. He walks off and talks to the hostess and whips out his wallet. “He must have bought one of them,” Ana thinks. LOL.

Yeah, Ana. Your stalker, creepy, crazy, obsessive boyfriend bought ONE. Let’s all sit back and look:

“Did you buys one of those?”
“One of these?” he snorts, not taking his eyes off them.
“You bought more than one?”
He rolls his eyes. “I bought all of them, Anastasia. I don’t want some stranger ogling you in the privacy of their home.”

Imagine if someone had already bought one. “Sorry, Mr. Grey. You can only have six of them.” Now THAT would’ve been something to see.

Sweeney: Also, let’s double back on how it’s supposedly less creepy for her ex-boyfriend to buy ALL the photos of her, then a stranger admiring them at an art gallery. Christian Grey Logic!

Lor: Ana calls him a pervert, seeing as he kinda insinuated that he bought that so that he could ogle them in the privacy of his own home. This is especially inappropriate because, HELLO? AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERS THAT THEY BROKE UP?

Sweeney: Apparently, yes. Me too, of course, but otherwise, yes.

Lor: Both Grey and Ana find this all hilar, and get all flirty about it. We interrupt this moment of horny however to bring you agitated Grey.

“You look very relaxed in these photographs, Anastasia. I don’t see you like that very often.”

Possible reasons why:

– They’ve known each other for a total of a month or so.
– She took a vacation to relax and he stalked her there.
– Beatings.
– Canings.
– He took her tampon out just for funsies one time.
– He sometimes “jokes” about hitting her or putting her in the cargo hold of an airplane.
– They broke up five days ago.

Just, you know, off the top of my head.

“I want you that relaxed with me,” he whispers. All trace of humor gone.”

He could stop doing all of the above, then. And tone down the wild mood swings. How can she relax if one second he’s all LOL SEXY FUN TIMES and then he literally snaps and puts his emotional-crazy-face on?

“You have to stop intimidating me if you want that,” I snap.
“You have to learn to communicate and tell me how you feel,” he snaps back, eyes blazing.”

I don’t know, guys. I give Ana a lot of shit about not knowing what she wants, but I think she’s communicated enough with Grey to make this not ring true. I mean, I don’t think it gets any more clear than, “You need to hurt me and I don’t want to be hurt.” And any time something has not been communicated by Ana it’s been because 1.) Grey has interrupted her with some manipulation tactic, namely kissing and sexing or 2.) Ana hasn’t had the scope or understanding to successfully communicate her feelings on a subject. She’s been ignorant, which is one of the main reasons the “BDSM” relationship should’ve never progressed, but whatever. Too late for such thoughts.

Sweeney: +1. Defending Ana isn’t something we do lightly here. However, as much as she sucks, the stalking serial killer is still worse. Also, in this case, wrong.

Lor: Ana goes over all the reasons Grey is confusing, like the fact that he claims he wants a submissive who never looks him in the eye and needs permission to speak, but then he’s all “communicate with me!” Ana goes on a serious outpouring with incredibly fair points and Grey’s response?

“”Good point well made, as usual, Miss Steele.” His voice is frigid. “Come, let’s go eat.””

Oh my God, I would lose my shit at that point. Hell no I did not just communicate ALL OF MY PROBLEMS and you then change the subject. Fuck. You.

Sweeney: My thoughts were pretty much just:

But then I remembered that it’s Christian Grey and “this fuckery” is, if nothing else, to be expected at this point.

Lor: Ana says that they’ve only been there for half an hour but Grey says she’s seen the photos and she’s “spoken to the boy.”Ana finds this as insulting as I do, and says his name is Jose.

“You’ve spoke to Jose- the man who, the last time I met him, was trying to push his tongue into your reluctant mouth while you were drunk and ill,” he snarls.
“He’s never hit me,” I spit at him.

Let me enjoy this moment where Ana actually took the words out of my mouth. Grey says this is a low blow, but no. It’s not. Not at all. YOU HIT HER, GREY. It is a truth. He demands to take her for food.

“Find the boy, say good-bye.”
“Please, can we stay longer?”
“No. Go. Now. Say good-by.”

AND ANA OBEYS HIM. Even though she’s angry with him. Even though she’s a grown-ass adult. Even though his controlling nature is what she takes issue with. Even though this is him intimidating her, again. EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE BROKEN UP. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS. Ana actually goes off and finds Jose and is all, “sorry, we have to go even though you are my supposed best friend and I promised you I’d be here.”

Sweeney: I still hate him more, but I hate this girl so much it causes me physical pain.

Lor: Jose hugs Ana and instead of returning that hug because she actually likes her friend or wants to show affection toward him, she hugs him to make Grey jealous. It works and Grey comes over. He briefly compliments Jose’s work and pulls Ana out of the gallery.

He looks quickly up and down the street then heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley, abruptly pushing me up against a wall. He grabs my face between his hands, forcing me to look up into his ardent, determined eyes.

If you are like me, you read that and think, “OH NOS. HE’S GOING TO KILL HER!” Because that’s how it reads. Because there is nothing sexy about this. But, he in fact starts kissing her. Ana’s into it, pouring all her “angst and heartbreak” into the kiss. I’m not sure how that actually works, but it sounds disgusting and unappealing, much like their entire relationship.

“You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word. He pushes away from me and bends, hands on knees as if he’s run a marathon. “For the love of God, Ana.”
I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper once my breath has returned.

WHY IS SHE APOLOGIZING? I’m sorry I dumped you but you don’t know what that means? I’m sorry you offered to come to this gallery thing even though you didn’t want to be here and used it to manipulate me? I’m sorry I hugged my friend? I’m sorry you pushed me up against a wall and kissed me without my permission? WHAT?

Also, I still haven’t found a good, “Sookie is mahn!” gif. One day.

The chapter ends with Grey saying, “you need to eat,” because if there is anything that really stands out about this messed up, terrible, horrifying chapter, it’s that Ana needs to eat, god damn it.

 

Murmur Count – 8
Whisper Count – 4

 

Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Will Ana eat???? Find out in Chapter 2.