Charmed S02 E21 – The Four Magicians of the Fauxpocalypse

Previously: Monkeys with powers.
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Apocalypse, Not

Marines: The girls return from a shopping trip and talk about how fun the shopping trip was. Prue says it’s way more fun than vanquishing demons and everyone who has to watch them vanquish these demons would probably agree.

Stephanie: Maybe vanquishing would be more exciting if it involved more than a bad poem that turns demons into sparkles and twinkle lights in three seconds.

Mari: One of the girls turns on the little kitchen TV. There is a report on the news about a street brawl. Prue asks if they think this kind of violence has been happening a lot lately and Phoebe just quotes her Sociology 101 class. That professor was of the mind that people don’t ask themselves the hard questions. Prue thinks that sounds boring, but Phoebe really enjoyed the class and in fact! What a coincidence! During their shopping trip she bought a book full of profound questions. (S: Speaking of boring…)

She puts on her tiny glasses and opens the book randomly to a hard question: in a fire, would you save five strangers or one sibling? All three girls agree they would save one sibling. Even if they wouldn’t, you probably wouldn’t give a different answer in front of your siblings. 

Prue grabs the book away and wants to find a question. The doorbell rings and Piper heads off to answer it. It’s Leo, who she greets with a kiss. She asks why he rang instead of orbing in, like we didn’t suffer through an episode about personal space. (S: I swear they ask him this every time he uses a door.) Leo says he was respecting their space, especially considering how much time the P’s have been spending together lately, like we didn’t spend an episode telling us Piper was spending all her time with Leo.

Prue and Phoebe appear and ask if Leo is there on business. He isn’t. He wanted to invite Piper to dinner before the Paula Cole show. Did we all immediately hear, “I don’t wanna wait!” in our heads? Piper is less than enthusiastic because she’s hanging out with her sisters. Prue tells her to go on ahead though. She and Phoebe can stop by the club and keep an eye on things. Piper tells them that she’s got a new assistant manager so they don’t have to do that. Prue insists. She runs off with Phoebe, talking loudly about what they’ll wear. Guess: something awful.

Steph: Can’t be any worse than the terrifying skirt with weird denim underwear over it that Phoebe is currently wearing.

Mari: We cut to Leo and Piper together in her car. Apparently, Piper won’t stop talking about her sisters and Leo is trying to gently tell her that’s it’s weird and please stop. However, they are rudely doing all of this talking at a stop sign. The guy behind them has some road rage and speeds by them but then also speeds into a truck with a flatbed full of fruit. This turns into an all out fruit brawl. (S: Watermelons everywhere.) Piper and Leo get out of their car to get a better look at what’s going on. A random person chucks a watermelon at Piper. She freezes it, except one obviously evil dude doesn’t freeze with everyone else.

Obviously Evil takes off running and Piper gives chase. Leo briefly questions her decision making, but takes off after her as well. Obviously Evil makes it to an alley and jumps up. A horse suddenly appears under him and he gallops into disappearance. For real.

Steph: I’m DYING. And not just because of the random horse, but also that wonderful satin-y green cape that appears on him.

Mari: He bought his horse with the optional satin-y cape upgrade.

Piper rounds the corner with Leo just behind her, but they find nothing.

Out in a field somewhere, Obviously Evil appears on his horse and he’s joined by three other horsemen. Because it’s an apocalypse episode y’all.

Steph: The costumes are so, so bad. They are the four magicians of the apocalypse.

Mari: I AM THE SAHN.

After the credits, Paula Cole is singing a song that is an insult to my intelligence and an assault on my ears. It’s about faith and believing and, oh my cats, it goes on for about 27 years.  (S: I skipped it.) After she’s finally done and just as I was contemplating setting my TV on fire, Piper and Leo find Prue and Phoebe at the bar. Piper and Leo explain what happened in the cold open and the girls jump to conclusions about how it must be a “low-level mischief maker,” causing what they just described as city-wide problems. Good job, ladies. Phoebe says they should probably go home and learn absolutely nothing from the Book of Shadows.

Obviously Evil (Strife) meets with the other four horsemen (S: Magicians.) and explains about the freezing witch that caught him in the act. Through their expository dialogue we learn that they are working for The Source and have a 7pm apocalypse deadline for the next night. I guess The Source must have some important dinner plans he wants to keep or something. The horsemen figure they can set a trap for Piper and kill her.

Steph: That one magician with the red tie is totally The Judge from Buffy, isn’t he?

Mari: Ah, hell, I just looked it up and it is him. That actor also played Luke in Welcome to the Hellmouth/The Harvest.

    The P’s haven’t found anything useful in the Book of Shadows, surprising no one. They’ve narrowed it down to maybe six demons and “their best guess” is the demon of anarchy. Leo’s like, “hey, so maybe you shouldn’t guess?” and they basically jump down his throat about how they are professional witches and they are going to guess all they want and no one can stop them. I would orb out of there so damn fast, but Leo just takes a step back and says nothing. The potion and spell are easy. All they need to do is track down some anarchy.

Thankfully, we’ve got a back-up character for that! It’s Morris and he’s going crazy at the station. He can’t leave the chaos to help the girls, mostly because that would involve him being on screen for more than a hot second, but he does apparently direct the girls to the latest hot spot.

We cut to a riot. The girls navigate the rowdy crowd until they spot Strife standing nearby. He runs from them and into an alley (again) where the three other horsemen are waiting. Strife tells them that there are four witches. Prue arrives and notes that there are four bad guys. War walks towards Prue. She tries to telekinesis him away, but her power doesn’t work. Her sisters finally arrive as War grabs Prue and threatens to snap her knew. War tells the bro-pocalypse to start chanting and Prue tells her sisters to do the same. They say, “Sower of discord, your works now must cease, I vanquish thee now, with these words of peace,” and throw the potion. Light engulfs Prue and War and they both disappear. Death asks what the hell happened and the rest of the bro-pocalypse disappear. Phoebe asks what just happened and Piper says they just vanquished their sister. (S: Hahahaha. Bye.)

As a side note, I’m using a transcript to help me, which is why I know which horseman is which. If not, I’d have to identify them by their matching-yet-color-coded ties. True story.

After a not!break, Piper is having another feels breakdown. Piper complains A LOT. I mean, I think that might be the most believable characterization, but also ugh stfu. Piper is all, “wah, we killed our sister,” and Phoebe is all, “stop, we have to ~*believe*~.”

Steph: Piper seems more annoyed about possibly having killed Prue than sad. She was more devastated when they killed Dr. Jerk.

Also, Phoebe says they’d know if Prue died because they’d see her spirit… What? Why would that happen?

Mari: Becaaaause.

We cut to Apocalypse HQ, where the three remaining horsemen also can’t believe war is dead. They are worried because if they don’t meet their 7pm deadline, The Source is going to kill them and pick new horsemen. They fight, but Strife insists that he has a plan. It’s basically just, “find War!” though, so it’s not actually a plan.

At that, we get a title card that lets us know we have 3 hours until the apocalypse.

Manor. Leo’s in the attic. Piper and Phoebe walk in. Leo hugs Piper and says he’s sorry for what happened, but also, he hasn’t been able to find anything useful in the Book of Shadows. As Piper starts freaking out again about whether or not Prue is alive, a breeze blows through the room and through Piper. She gasps and tells the others that Prue’s in the room with them. Leo guesses that she’s on another plane, trying to break through. Phoebe calls out to Prue Wind, asking for some help finding her. Prue uses the not-a-Ouija board to spell out HELP, which is about the least helpful thing she could’ve done.

Steph: I thought she was going to spell “hello” so it’s better than that, I guess.

Mari:

Phoebe gasps but it isn’t Prue Wind this time. She felt an evil spirit. A bubble appears next? And Prue’s face is in it? And then a red bubble appears? And chases the clear bubble around and then out of the window? (S: ?????? WHAT IS HAPPENING?)

All of those were honest questions because I have very little idea why anything is happenening. Who thought it would be awesome to have a scene based entirely out of the P’s reacting to invisible winds and then watching little bubbles chase each other around?

Steph: I am truly confused and my stomach hurts from all the silent laughter caused by this crazy scene.

Mari: And then! Leo recaps for us that Prue is alive but in trouble, because maybe he knew we’d all be like WHY ARE BUBBLES HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? Piper sends Leo off to go chat with his bosses and find out who these FOUR guys could possibly be. I was distracted by bubbles so I forgot to mention before how painful it is, every time they are like, “who could the FOUR of them even be? Hmmm, FOUR? IDK.”

Steph: Like, I realized what was happening the minute that horse and cape appeared. Keep up, ladies.

Mari: Leo orbs away and Piper and Phoebe turn to the Book of Shadows to look up “wind.”

Apocalypse HQ. An assistant man walks up to share the “bad” news that peace is breaking out in several places. Death says that if they are going down, they should take the witches down with them. BubbleWindMistSpirit War turns up on the TV, though, and like super edits a bunch of news coverage together so we all know War is possessing the TV. Death says they are going to punish the witches, but somehow, War can talk now, even though he had to super edit a second ago. He tells the bro-pocalypse to work together with the witches to get him  back and ask The Source how to find the P’s.

Back at the Manor, Phoebe says she might have an idea where Prue is.

“Well, remember when Leo said that Prue might be on another plane? Well, maybe we banished her somehow.”

Phoebe, girl, that is not an idea. That is repeating back what Leo already told you.

Leo orbs in. He hasn’t found Prue, but he does have a message from his bosses. They were contacted by the evil bosses. The FOUR mysterious beings want to have a meeting with the P’s so they can work together. TPTB are leaving the choice on whether or not to work with evil up to the P’s. Phoebe’s all, “cool, let’s do it!” Leo protests and spends several minutes saying sensible things about how evil will probably trick them, but they shoot Leo down again because apparently that and ~*believing*~ is what we’re doing this episode.

He keeps trying to explain that these FOUR guys in suits are ranked high in the evil hierarchy and who knows what’ll happen when they get reunited. WHO KNOWS. (Guess: apocalypse.)

Steph: This is so painful. Bring back the magic chimps. They would have solved this shit by now.

Mari: In another random field, Piper and Phoebe wait for the horsemen. They show up, and Piper and Strife shake hands and agree to work together. There’s a crack of thunder to accompany the handshake, though I forgive you if you thought that was the sound of my head hitting the desk.

After another not!break, we’re back in the Manor where the P’s and horsemen are being twitchy around each other. Leo thinks it was stupid to invite unknown forces of evil back to their house and Piper’s like, “nbd. We had nowhere else to go.”

The P’s and the Bro-pocalypse try to remember where they were all standing when Prue and War disappeared. They argue about that for a bit, but when they’ve got it all figured out, the P’s note that they were standing in a pentagram. If they can open the vortex back up, they can free their respective friends. Death has to get back to work and Leo says he has to go too. He’s going to go follow Death, as he figures someone should know who they are dealing with.

Phoebe and Strife agree to work on figuring out how their chants helped open the vortex. Piper goes to make the potion again and Famine goes to watch her.

Apocalypse HQ. Leo orbs in, punches a guy, and puts on his business-y clothes.

Strife and Phoebe are sitting on a couch flirting over chants and lies.

Steph: Strife is super skeevy. Can they at least start casting some sexy dudes if we’re going to have to sit through stuff like this?

Mari: You are asking for too, too much.

Death is shouting at people about cholera and smallpox. He loosens his tie and we see there is an omega tattoo on his neck.

Steph: Leo watches all of this in plain view while wearing an excellent undercover outfit: a white shirt and tie. A true chameleon. 

Mari: Famine is scratching his omega tattoo at the same time. Piper sees it, but Famine covers it up right away. Piper asks him a bunch of questions he doesn’t answer and everything is useless.

In the living room, Strife is now flirting with Phoebe by asking her if she was ever a demon. This is broken up by BubbleSpiritWindMist Prue floating in through the window. Phoebe gasps because she can feel her sister. Phoebe glances back and Prue uses the not-a-Ouija board, which is now downstairs unless they keep one in every room, to point to 4 H O. Bubble War shows up, though, and stops Prue from going further by knocking away the pointer. Strife jumps up and demands to know what is going on. Piper and Famine come into the living room. Phoebe diverts the tension (“tension”) by saying that they can open the vortex again by reversing all the chats and flipping where they were standing. Strife says that sounds great and asks to meet again at 6:30pm

When the bro-pocalypse is gone, Phoebe tells Piper about 4 H O, and Piper’s best guess is that Prue thinks she has four hours left to live.

49 minutes to the apocalypse.

Apocalypse HQ. Leo is still looking around because apparently he hasn’t figured out that this is all about the four horsemen. He’s caught, though, and has to orb out. Death says to never mind him and keep working that apocalypse.

Leo goes back to the manor and beaks the news that the P’s are helping the four horsemen. We then spend another 13 years with Leo trying to explain why this is a bad thing. Also, there is some poop explanation about Y2K and the millennium. Y2K YOU GUYS.

Steph: I’m convinced this entire show is the result of the writer’s playing a game of “how can we make this worse?” There’s no other explanation. 

Mari: The conclusion is that the P’s don’t care about Y2K. They have to save Prue.

2 minutes to apocalypse.

The horsemen are freaking out because it’s almost 7pm and the P’s haven’t shown up. But then they do arrive. Strife and Phoebe shake hands to get this show on the road and Phoebe gets a vision: the end of the world. What a revelation. I had no idea that’s what the apocalypse was.

They start trying to open the vortex, but Phoebe gets cold feet because of that whole end of the world thing. Strife has already started to chant his bit, but Phoebe and Piper just give a tag team speech about how they are willing to sacrifice their sister to save the world.

Steph: I’m kind of embarrassed by how much this episode is cracking me up, but Strife’s chant was literally gibberish. The direction for this scene must have been, “just make noises with your mouth.”

Mari: It looks like all is lost and there is no possible way that this could be suddenly and conveniently solved, right?

SUDDEN VORTEX!

Steph: …How convenient.

Mari: The vortex just opens up and starts zapping the horsemen and they figure that this is The Source doing it since they missed their 7pm deadline, or whatever. Phoebe gets a bright idea and thinks that since The Source conveniently opened the vortex for them, they can just pluck Prue right out. Phoebe and Piper finish the spell, Prue pops out and The Source finishes off his horsemen. The P’s look around all, “phew. We almost had to do something.”

And we finish at P^3. The girls are watching people dance and saying they should be thanked… for standing by while The Source did everything. Leo pops in to give some even stupider explanation as to why this all happened: the P’s act of selflessness meant the world was too good for apocalypse. FOR REAL.

REALLY.

Instead of just being all, “yeah, time ran out,” they went with, “too much good in the world for an apocalypse.” HOKAY.

Steph: We made it to the end. I don’t even care how. Hooray!

Mari: Leo leaves and a random bartender pops in to ask that “five strangers or one sibling” question again and all the P’s answer strangers.

I wouldn’t save any of them either.

 

Next time on Charmed: A genie comes to stir shit up up in S02 E22 – Be Careful What You Witch For.