Lorraine: I was driving home after spending 8 hours at a new employee orientation. It was one of those things where they put you in a group with other people who just started working for the company, and make you play games, introduce yourself, build team and confidence and bull shit.
Nugs: Were there trust falls? Please say there were trust falls!
Lor: I could but then I’d be lying.
Anyhow, I was nearing home when I opened up my Facebook for the first time that day. I scrolled through the various updates when I saw one of Sara’s recent ones:
“R. L. Freaking Stine just tweeted me, and I might have had a girlgasm. Be still my elementary school heart.”
Wait. WAIT. WAIT. Hold the fucking phone. SAY WUH?
Sara: As most of you know, the Snark Squad’s minds are so dirty, that we might as well be 5th grade boys. Any opportunity for a joke about how something “came” from under the sink is fair game to us.
I always assumed it was my own fault that I had a childish sense of humor about dirrrty things….
Until Childhood Trauma.
Sweeney: I feel like “until Childhood Trauma” is going to be a phrase we all use often.
Sara: After re-reading these books from my childhood involving jizz-like substances being rubbed all over kids’ faces and awkwardly inappropriate tickle fights between siblings who are way too old to be engaging in tickle fights, I have come to a conclusion that further proves Childhood Trauma is right.:
These books fucked. us. up. for life.
After noticing this fact while reading the next Goosebumps book I’ll be reviewing (The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena), I decided to tweet about my love/hate relationship with R. L. Stine.
I’ve tweeted at celebrities before, but they rarely respond as they are far too important to take the time to speak with us little people. However, R. L. Stine responded less than an hour later.
My first thought upon reading this was obviously, “OHMYGOD R. L. STINE IS IN LOVE WITH ME,” as evidenced by the wall post I left for my fiancee on Facebook.
Thank goodness it was right at that point when Lorraine started getting in on the R. L Stine action.
Lor: And by getting in on the action, Sara naturally means that I got jealous like WOAH. I mean: 1.) I’ve been trying to become a sister wife to Sara since like FOREVER. b.) Sara got tweeted back by the pajama jeans PR guy. THE PAJAMA JEANS GUY. Tell me how life is even fair? cat.) R.L. MOTHER FUDGIN’ STINE.
I mean, this is the guy who made up the rules for The Beast From the East, and who decided that when you love up on a sponge, he explodes. (Nugs: I still say that part was about all my post-high school relationships.) This is the guy who writes about parental neglect that normal human brains can’t even dream up.
Sweeney: I smell a new book series! “Parental Neglect: You’re Doing It Wrong. Step-by-step instructions for neglecting your children from R. L. Stine”
Sara: Like turning your dog into a child? Or after your dog turns back into a dog, you turn your cat into a child? Or letting your kids roam off in a large, dangerous amusement park that no one has ever heard of before? Or…. okay, I’ll stop now, otherwise this will never end.
Lor: Have you guys noticed that we practically have a great idea in EVERY post? I think, “I smell a new book series” is also a thing we will often be saying.
Anymilliontiesofdollars, since he responded, we did what every self respecting, professional blogger would do: we blew up his damn timeline, yo.
Lorraine: DID YOU GUYS SEE IT?!
He tweeted me too! As Sweeney mentioned in one of her tweets, this pretty much means that the Snark Squad is approved by RL (we’re on a first name basis now.) I mean, sure, he called Sara sick and he was kind of being a dick hole about bloggers, but that’s only if you look on the surface.
Because, really, it’s like a book RL himself would write: things are happening, things that seem a little weird, but still on the surface are pretty straightforward. And then, a monster shows up and then nothing makes sense anymore and in the end you have no fucking clue what even happened.
RL tweeting us is sort of like that! Kind of. Ahem.
Sweeney: AND RL STINE THINKS WE’RE SICK. So many levels of awesome that the guy who gave me nightmares would someday suggest that we need professional help. Yeah, I know. But now I feel like I’m doing mentally deranged the right way. #lifegoalsineverknewihad #untilchildhoodtrauma
Sara: Now if one of our parents could just do something to endanger our lives…
Nugs: Our parents already did that, clearly. I mean, we sit on the Internet all day verbally fellating each other and obsessing over books we read 15 years ago.
Lor: No, Nugs. That’s, like, practically normal. Call me when your parents tell you that you’re actually a ceiling cat. (Side note: ZOMG, that would make so much sense…)
Anyways, we’ve made it. We have arrived. RL loves us.
We spent a better part of our evening tweeting back and forth, planning this here very post and emailing each other.
Lor: Because, really, nothing with the Snark Squad is final until there’s been a good round of “Heart, NOT IT!”
Because nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to be Heart.
Sara: DAMN. IT.
Lor: Ann Martin? We’re coming for you next.
Nugs: Haha. “Come.”
♥
The Snark Squad
