Lor: Up until this point, CT has been all about covering books that traumatized us. There have been a lot of additional ideas we’ve tossed around, for the future of our site, including guest posts, vlogs and even transitioning to TV and movies.
We’re working on all of that, we swear, but something came together for Sara, Nugs and I and we finally got our butts in motion as far as TV. The trigger? The announcement of a Captain Planet movie.
Nugs: Courtesy of my email, BTW. It was totally MY idea (butweallhelped).
Lor: And just so you don’t think we are totally copy cats, let it just be said that Captain Planet is one of those things that the Ladies of Snark love to randomly throw into conversation. (Examples 1, 2, 3, to show a few) It was just the right time to finally do justice to one our favorite childhood cartoons. And by “justice” we mean we’re going to rip it to shreds.
We start the show wasting no time. The earth is getting destroyed, yo. Hardcore. This fat, greasy looking guy is ignoring bunnies and trees as he stomps through the forest in a giant… robot… spider… stomper? WTF? Oh, he’s drilling for oil in the middle of the sea or something.
Sara: If I knew drilling for oil was that easy, I would have been riding that money train long ago.
Lor: As this happens, the spirit of the earth, Gaia, is totally napping.
Sara: Why is the spirit of the earth napping? I don’t have an entire fucking Earth to look out for, and I don’t have time for a nap.
Lor: Anyhow, her roof starts leaking on her. I’m not sure, but I think if you are the spirit of the freakin’ earth, you should be able to afford a house that comes without the leaky roof. She fixes it right away though, because apparently “spirit of the earth” translates into “roofer.” Or, really, “magician.”
She grouses about not being able to nap. “Can’t the spirit of the earth take a little nap?” Uh, no. Jesus.
No, I’m not taking the Lord’s name in vain, I’m referring her to Jesus. I bet he doesn’t nap. There was that one time he tried to on a boat, and the disciples were all, “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAPPING DURING A HURRICANE,” and he gave a Kanye shrug and was all, “I got this.”
Sara: Jesus is totally chill like that. I imagine he smoked a lot of weed in His day.
Lor: If lightening strikes Sara, y’all remember this okay?
Where was I? Right. Gaia gets pinged on her earth monitoring system (WTF) and sees the fat man in the robot drilling machine.
It’s those poor, silly humans again. They are going to destroy my planet if they keep going on like this. What’s a mother to do? Hmm. Guess I napped too long.
Nugs: Yeah, well, no shit. Lazy ass.
Lor: Yeah, first, a mother should stop referring to herself in the third person. And b, humans suck. I say this as a cartoon montage of waste is poured into the sea and factories are all blowing smoke in the sky, really rudely.
How much damage could they do in a century?
How long were you napping?!
It’s worse than I thought. Earth is dying. The time has come for the rings.
Oh, so you mean you’ve had these rings ALL ALONG and you just decided to wait for the earth to be on life support for you to break them out? Worst. Mother. Ever.
Nugs: Is there a Planeteer for Child Protective Services in this bitch?
Lor: Holy ho suspension, Nuggy, I think we need Traumateers!! Like Child Protective Services, Common Sense, Stranger Danger, and um, the Police or something. And when their powers combine, we get A Your Mauling Bear Man! I’ll work on fleshing out this theory.
Back to Captain Planet, Gaia exposits that she needs young people to help now. Obviously, bitch, you’ve been naping for a century. Anyways, she sends out the rings to “five special kids” from the “five corners of the globe” except that a globe is round and… nevermind.
From Africa and toiling the sand with a stick, a sweaty Kwame.
From Asia and swimming with dolphins, Gi.
From North America where apparently all we have is violence and crime, Wheeler.
From the Soviet Union and… playing a keytar? Linka
From South America, and saving a monkey from a cheetah and LOL WHO WOULD BACK DOWN FROM HIM, Ma-Ti.
These are the world’s greatest hope. Obviously, we’re doomed.
Gaia summons them to “Hope Island” and personally, I’d be pissed if some lady just summoned me to some place suddenly, even if she did give me a shiny ring.
Nugs: Clearly, Lor, you are not a Jew. Shiny junk is like crack to us.
Lor: WAIT. This is the first time I’ve paid attention to these character’s voices because Wheeler’s accent is completely ridiculous and I’m pretty sure his voice is going to make me shoot something.
Nugs: Please. That is NOT Brooklynese. I speak Brooklynese and that is not a Brooklyn accent. This is a travesty, yo.
Nugs: -1 for Captain Planet.
Besides that, Levar Burton voices Kwame. This gets better and better.
Wheeler starts hitting on Linka while Gaia is trying to explain how they are supposed to save the earth. He even pulls her by her coat collar. Way to be extra skeevy WHEELER. Gaia is all, AHEM AS I WAS SAYING, and she explains to them that their rings allow them to control, in a limited way, one of nature’s elements.
Linka controls the power of wind, except that it sounds like she’s saying “vind.” She makes a little tornado appear, just so we’re clear what “vind” is.
Kwame Levar’s power is earth, and he makes the earth split in half and then makes it come back together again. He marvels over how many trees he will be able to plant with his nifty ring!
Sara: Wow, these are the nerdiest kids ever. Their first thought is how they can save the forests from bulldozers with powers? WTF? I figured he’d be thinking about how much booty he was going to get with a superpower.
Lor: +1
Wheeler is an asshat and can’t wait for his turn and starts waving around his ring calling out random elements until he guesses “fire” and sets shit on fire. Whoops.
Gaia tells Gi that her power is water so she calls it out and manages to put out the fire and also soak them all.
Wheeler: Nice job, toots. I’m all wet.
Linka: You certainly are.
Nugs: EW. EW EW EW. This is children’s programming. For shame.
Lor: SERIOUSLY. SO GROSS.
Kwame is all, “well we’ve all got badass powers Ma-Ti. And we also all have clothes and you are wearing what looks like a diaper/boxers combination. Obviously you are going to be on the losing end of this deal. What do you think your power is?”
Ma-Ti is all, “I already know.” Apparently he can… sense them? And feel them? And like get inside of their heads? Which all has nothing to do with HEART and also is not a natural element and is also pretty creepy.
Gaia is all, “Ma-ti, yours is the greatest power of all. Because without a heart to guide them, the others are useless.”
Bullshit.
Sara: Maybe he’s a Make a Wish kid?
Lor: That’s the best explanation for Heart yet.
So anyways, she brands them the Planeteers and they fist pump like champs. We have a team, y’all.
Our villain from back in the beginning’s name is “Greedly.” Reeeeal original guys. He’s still drilling oil in his robot spider destroyer machine. The gang has no time to practice with their new powers because Greedly is getting shit done, son.
The Planeteers get a submarine looking plane to fly around in, the, uh, submaplane. Gi gets to fly it because she’s the only one who has a driver’s license. Please do not question this infallible logic.
Linka is all, “we’re doomed. I wish Gaia were here.”
Heart is all, “she is, look! HEART.” And suddenly her face appears in the sky.
Sara: Yeah, I’m sorry. Making Whoopi Goldberg’s face appear in the sky is still a lame power.
Lor: And just to highlight how lame these kids really are, Wheeler the fire crotch keeps lighting random things on fire because he can’t remember not to say fire.
Kwame is all, “hey, Gaia. Let’s just pretend for a second that we are a team of idiots who definitely cannot handle this. What then?”
Gaia tells them that then they can put their powers together and get a real surprise.
Oil spill etc. Animals are being covered in oil etc. The Planeteers try to land on top of the robotic earth destroyer machine, but Greedly just ejaculates some oil on the submaplane.
Wheeler: Man, these guys are really rude with a ‘tude.
OKAY WE GET IT. AMERICANS ARE ANNOYING. Yeesh.
The kids manage to land the submaplane and they talk a whole fudgin’ lot. Seriously, they say things like, “every second we delay, the animals are in danger.” THEN STOP TALKING.
Greedly threatens to blast some oil on innocent bystanding animals if the Planeteers try to stop his nefarious oil drilling.
Kwame is all, “LOL. Told you we couldn’t handle this! We need help.”
So. They are going to combine their powers. Just so we’re clear here, the Planeteers have managed to do… nothing. They showed up to the site of evil-doing to stand around, talk a lot and complain about how they are practically useless. Got it.
But now, Kwame says the words that make me swell with childhood nostalgia. Ahem: LET OUR POWERS COMBINE.
Yes! YES!! Combine! Combine! Combine!
Nugs: The number of disguised orgasms on this show is climbing into the “ridiculous” category.
I’m intrigued.
Lor: Oh, dude, that wasn’t the Planeteers, that was m… Nevermind.
Earth, fire, wind, water, heart: doo dee doooo, doo dee doooo. Lights sparkle and swirl, shit flies everywhere, I pee my pants a little.
“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!” And the kids all cheer, “goooo planet!”
But let’s be real. They had no idea what would happen when they combined their powers. And this muscled, naked, blue guy with green hair shows up. Would your reaction be, “oh, haiii planet!” because I’m pretty sure I’d be all, “what the fuck is a captain planet!?”
So Captain naked pants flies around a lot, sparkling and showing us his muscles. Greedly tries to take his robot machine and run away, allowing even more oil to spill into the Ocean. So Captain Planet just stops him dead in his tracks.
JAYKAY. He lands so that he can talk to the Planeteers. They are all, “oh, no, he is getting away. This is really bad news. What can we do?” No, it’s okay guys. Don’t worry about doing anything. Just stand there and talk about it some more.
CP explains that while he’s around, their rings are temporarily disabled, because he is their powers combined. Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious, we get it. You are their powers combined. Like a combination. Of their powers.
So anyways, the Planeteers are useless, so CP will handle Greedly and the Planeteers can help the animals or something. GO PLANET.
So apparently CP can fly really fast, like Superman. Is that the power of… wind? Magnified?
Also he’s super strong, like Superman. Is that, um, the strength of… earth? Magnified?
Whatever. He chases after Greenly who tries to drill through his chest. Okay, maybe CP isn’t naked. Maybe he’s just invested in tights that are the same color as his pale blue skin? This seems like a terrible fashion choice. Doesn’t he have any friends who can be all, “look Planet…”
Anyhow, Planet tries to get in Greedly’s grill but he blasts him with Toxic Waste he keeps handy. Obviously. Toxic Waste knocks him out and is draining his strength. Y’know. Like Kryptonite but totally different so don’t even compare the two.
The kids figure maybe they should wash the toxic waste off, because they are geniuses. They do and the sun recharges CP. Like Superman, but totally different so can you please stop bringing up the comparison? JEEZ.
El Capitan feels his powers combining again. I really hate it when my powers separate. Such a drag.
Planet takes out Greedly’s robot destroyer and the Planeteers cheer, “Gooo Planet” some more. Greedly escapes though.
Planet talks to the kids as they all sit in a circle around him (WTF.) CP says his work is done but that the work of the Planeteers of sitting around, talking about their problems a lot and being stereotypes is just beginning. And he wants them to remember: THE POWER IS YOOOOURS.
What he really means is, “the power to summon me every episode is yours. Because LOL, you guys can’t really handle anything at all.”
They clean up the animals though with their powers. I’m not sure how “Heart” cleans up oil, while Fire has to scrub with a brush.
Wheeler: It doesn’t seem fair. We didn’t make this mess, why do we have to clean it up. We’re not getting paid any money.
Linka: Because we care, my sweet imperialist dog.
OKAY. WE GET IT. AMERICANS ARE GREEDY AND ANNOYING. JESUS.
Nugs: Are we SURE none of these guys are Jewish?
Lor: Besides, Linka adds, some rewards are greater than money (Nugs: Yeah, you find one and let me know), and she releases a bird who flies away into peace, tranquility and lessons learned.
CP shows up again for his lesson of the episode. He wants us to help him and the Planeteers save the planet. (Planeteers: GO PLANET!) You can prevent oil spills and air pollution by encouraging your family not to waste gasoline. Turn off your lights in your house when you don’t need them. If you can carpool, do it. And if you are going a short distance, walk or ride a bike.
Don’t be a Greedly CP says. And I have to agree because Greedly snorts and only has his four fanged teeth. That isn’t a good look on anyone.
And then. THEN. The part of this entire show that I remember the most, the end credits. I don’t even need to watch it to transcribe the whole thing to you. Ahem:
Captain Planet, he’s our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero. He’s our powers, magnified, and he’s fighting on the planet’s side. Captain Planet, he’s our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero, gonna help him, put asunder, bad guys who like to loot and plunder. We’re the planeteers. You can be one too. ‘Cause saving our planet is the thing to do. Looting and polluting is not the way. Hear what captain Planet has to say: the power is yours!
Nugs: I remembered EVERY FUCKING WORD to this song. And I’m PROUD, yo.
Heart, NOT IT!
Lor: Heart, NOT IT! LOL Sara.
Yeah, so anyways, I’m glad I spent these 15 minutes reminding myself why kids are lame and why adulthood is riddled with repressed traumas.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
