Nugs: If you take a look at the “Notes” of the Goosebumps section of the epic Snark Squad Master List, you’ll notice that the Snarkmaster who often gets the brunt of the trauma is me.
Much like my early crushes on Lion-O and Aladdin, my childhood fears played a very interesting role in the development of my adult life. Here’s a list of some of the more ridiculous things I fear:
-Clowns
-Dolls
-Birds
-Midgets
-Giraffes
-Parade Floats
-Kangaroos
-Puppets
-Scarecrows
-Justin Bieber
And
-Ventriloquist Dummies
God, I hate those things. They are so creepy with their stupid painted faces and their eyes that stare into your soul and their little legs that look they could start running at you and GAH! Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Thanks, guys.
Sweeney: You’re welcome.
Lily: Any time.
Nugs: At any rate, I have no idea why I agreed to review this book, especially with that asshole Slappy making Murderface at me right on the front cover. Also, who was the interior decorator for this bedroom? It’s like if my mom’s cats time traveled back to the 1950’s and wore a blindfold during their shopping spree at Toys R Us. The color scheme of that room is WAY scarier than Slappy himself:
Lily: I feel like I’ve seen that paint job in a non-pedo home…
Nugs: At least I figured that I had a bunch of innuendo to look forward to. With sparkling gems such as “I’ve blown much bigger than that” in the first book, I was anticipating some serious malfunction to pick apart. Instead I got some shit about a paintbrush. But more on that later.
The twelve-year-old in this book is Amy, who actually didn’t make me want to purposely run over a basket of baby squirrels. Stine breaks with tradition by having three kids in the family, including an obnoxious younger brother named Jed, who apparently was born on some kind of redneck pasture, and a perfect older sister named Sara(!). This really didn’t help matters because I kept picturing her as Nips throughout the entire book. Their parents are less negligent than usually found in a Stine treasure trove of literature and insist that the kids have Family Share Night, which is way less dirty and more boring than I just made it sound.
Sweeney: Though, to be fair, being “less negligent” than the Traumaland Gold Standard For Negligent Parents really just requires that you remember that you have children for an extended period of time. In this case, I assume the parents are mostly hoping the kids will “share” their names, because remembering that they have children is as much as anyone can reasonably ask of a Traumaland parent.
Nugs: They also might want to get a list of birthdays, as well. My spreadsheet skills are available for a fee that is up for discussion.
Sara, a future Georgia O’Keeffe (including the not-liking-penis part), subjects the family to one of her new paintings, while Jed usually makes fart noises or something. He’s a class act, that one. Amy doesn’t understand that she’s creepy in any way, so every week she shares her stellar ventriloquist act, complete with her dummy, whom she’s named Dennis.
Sweeney: I’m not really sure we have room to judge, because we definitely gave a styrofoam head a name, introduced her to guys at bars, and paraded her around the country...
Yeah, that happened.
Lily: But Yvonne is not just a head or a dummy… She’s much more.
Nugs: Oh, so much more. She’s one of us.
At this point I am very disappointed that there are no “wood” jokes being made, so let’s move on. I mean, there were, but not the kind I’m talking about. You know, the kind that are actually funny. She does ask Dennis if he has a girlfriend, though. No kid, he doesn’t. He’s a fucking doll. He doesn’t move, or stimulate any form of conversation. Then again, the same could be said for some of my exes. Zing! I should have a comedy act.
Sweeney: Or you could join Amy’s routine. #wompwomp Sorry, I forgot that we’re only supposed to be rude to fictional children.
Nugs: I could, but I’m afraid I’d be overshadowed by her special breed of hilarity.
So the issue with Amy’s dummy, besides the fact that he’s a dummy so he’s more than likely creepy as fuck, is that his head keeps falling off. Thanks, Stine or Ghostwriter; I see what you did there. Amy’s dad feels sorry for her and buys her a new dummy, and Amy is immediately frightened by her new toy’s “brains” even though it turns out to be just a moldy sandwich left in there by the previous owner. Ew. Why would you not immediately return that shit?
Sweeney: Nugs, these parents totally remembered that they have children! And they bought them toys! You can’t possibly be asking them to pay any closer attention than that…
Nugs: We could ask them to put food on the table, but let’s not reach too far out here.
Why would you put a sandwich in a dummy’s head in the first place?
And who would be stupid enough to yell out “brains!” when they touched a wooden doll, unless this a Walking Dead crossover? And if it is, can the zombies eat Kristy Thomas first? Oh, sorry, wrong series.
Sweeney: I fully support the zombies-eat-Kristy-Thomas crossover. Let’s do it.
Nugs: There’s also a piece of paper with a weird language written on it, which Amy of course reads out loud and even I definitely knew where this was going. Enter Slappy, who promptly punches her dad in the head.
Sweeney: While I usually want a good youth mauling bear to show up, I support the negligent parents getting beaten on a little – it is, after all, totally their fault these children are such morons.
Lily: I just imagined my own dad getting punched by a dummy. My parents aren’t negligent, but it was pretty funny in my head.
Nugs: The next character we’re introduced to is Margo, Amy’s best friend. She runs over in breathless glee to tell Amy that her dad, who runs a restaurant called The Party House, wants Amy to perform her ventriloquist act for a bunch of three-year-olds. I’m glad she threw in “three-year-olds,” because “The Party House” gave me another context altogether, especially when Margo’s dad offers Amy 20 bucks.
Lily: Nice save! If my kid came up to me saying they were going to “The Party House” I would assume they were going somewhere to do drugs or get super drunk on a school night.
Nugs: I pictured stripper poles as well.
At the next Family Share Night, Amy freaks out when she sees Dennis crawling across the floor, but the whole family makes fun of her when she realizes it’s just Jed fucking with her since he grabbed Dennis’ head and pretended to be him. Seriously, Amy, I feel you, girl. That would scare the hell out of me. I really, REALLY hate dummies. Fuck all of you. On a related note, how short is this kid that Amy thought her brother was actually the dummy? Moving on…
Anyway, Amy takes Slappy out and begins her lame-ass dummy routine. Her jokes all bomb, of course, until Slappy comes to life and starts to insult her family. Your sense of humor is kind of harsh, RL. Maybe you should address your own Childhood Traumas. Amy gets sent to her room for being a bitch.
BTW, I totally pictured Slappy as Sid the Dummy from Buffy, only he was much cooler and had better lines.
The next day, everyone receives their report cards and Amy is the only one who gets less-than-stellar grades. Sara, of course, gets fawned over by the Parental Units while Amy gets grounded for having two C’s. Do those C’s stand for Crippling Self Doubt? If I had only two C’s in seventh grade my parents would have let me skip school for a week. Just saying.
Sweeney: I am, admittedly, awestruck by the level of actual parenting happening in this book.
Nugs: It seems like RL is actually attempting to break the mold with this one.
Later, someone dumps paint all over Sara’s white carpet, and Amy’s brother, who always gets blamed for everything, points the finger at Amy, who figures out that it was the dummy due to the paint on Sid Slappy’s shoes (typo and it stays). Um, didn’t they learn anything from the Lawn Gnomes? The question should be why does the dummy have anything on its shoes in the first place when it can’t move by itself? Then again, it’s an RL Stine book; adults are idiots.
Despite being more grounded than ever, Amy is still allowed to perform at The Party House (ye-yeah). She makes Slappy shake hands with Alicia, the birthday girl, and evil Slappy won’t let go. If I were Slappy I wouldn’t, either; that is a REALLY slutty name for a three-year-old. The little girl cries and Amy is fired. Amy arrives home to find her name written in red paint all over Sara’s wall. I don’t get why this is so horrible- I painted my face in a heart directly over Sara Nipples’ bed for her to find when she came back from her honeymoon, and she LOVED it. Regardless, Amy’s parents are now convinced that she’s bat-shit insane and suggest that she “get help.” Seriously? This book is AWESOME.
Lily: Apparently, RL (and/or ghostwriter) doesn’t get that writing your name on someone’s wall is actually a sign of affection. Get with the program, Goosebumps writers!
Nugs: Apparently they don’t get that hiding in the bushes with a FlipCam means ILOVEYOU, either. That’s why we’re all friends.
Amy decides to stay up late and finally catches Slappy in the act, only no one in her family believes her because it just looks like she’s carrying the dummy around while she paints landscapes all over her sister’s room. Now I know why her grades are so bad. Idiot. The next morning, Amy is informed that her parents are making her see a shrink. You know, this book is pretty cool.
Sara retreats to her room, where Slappy tells her that she is now his slave and I immediately see this in my head:
Amy totally freaks and cries like a little bitch, and it’s like, DUDE. It’s a fucking wooden doll. Throw it in the fire or chop it up or something. Or you could just always, you know, say “no” and laugh at it. Then I remember, oh right. Stine. Morons.
Sweeney: It’s really the first rule of Traumaland: #kidsaredumbyo
Nugs: Instead, Amy chooses to wrestle Slappy to the ground and throws him in the closet.
Sweeney: Why do these kids keep wrestling with the dummies? What are we going for with this, R. L.?
Nugs: That was disappointing, as I was really hoping for a knife fight or something. While Slappy tries to kick and punch his way out, Amy runs into Sara’s room to prove to her that the dummy is alive, and Sara admits that she knew Amy was telling the truth all along, but she sided with their parents because she was jealous that everybody thought Amy was funny.
Wow. What a nasty cunt.
Sweeney: Seriously. That’s beyond sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry is maybe not giving your sibling full credit for doing something. Letting your sister be terrorized by a possessed toy is just fucked. Haven’t these children seen any of the Chucky movies?
Lily: I don’t know… I’d probably let my brother or sister get terrorized by possessed wooden things.
Nugs:“Possessed wood,” absolutely. Possessed wooden things… not so much. That’s fucked up, yo.
The sisters make up and bury Slappy in the yard, but he appears at the breakfast table the next day. Seriously, that’s not evil, just annoying. Try telling him you want him to come to brunch with your mom later; he’ll clear out real fast.
That night, Amy once again hears Slappy sneaking into Sara’s room. Amy follows him but turns on the light to see he and Dennis fighting each other. Dennis throws Slappy against the bedpost and his head breaks in half, leaving a huge white worm that slides through a crack in the wall. So I can blame tequila for my sudden enjoyment of this entire scene?
Sweeney: We can probably at least blame tequila and/or heavy drug use for the writing of this book. And possibly the entire series.
Nugs: Their parents burst out of the closet, revealing that the whole thing was a plan set up by Sara and Amy, with Jed pretending to be Dennis once again. They apologize for basically only believing Amy now that Sara got involved, because they are awful at parenting. Instead of figuring this out for themselves, all it takes to change their mind about carting one of their kids off to a shrink is listening to their clear favorite tell them to hide in a closet while their children knock around a wooden doll. Clearly they’ve never heard of Child Protective Services. #middlechildproblems
During all the hugging and blame avoidance, Jed bursts in and apologizes for oversleeping and forgetting to play the part of Dennis. The book ends on the “cliffhanger” of Amy wondering who, in fact, really killed Slappy. Who, I ask you? WHO?
Oh, right.
And seriously, how little is this kid that he can pass for a wooden dummy?
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I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
