Lorraine: And before you judge me preemptively for the title of this post, let me go ahead and show you the cover of this book:
In case you were wondering, why yes, that is a giant tongue. Now, judge me if you must.
Nugs: Dude. I am totally not touching that one.
Lorraine: Now, if you all are done judging me and/or staring at the giant tongue, introductions:
Zackie Beauchamp is our unfortunately named protagonist and he has two best friends, Alex and Adam. Alex is a girl. In the first pages of the book, we learn a few rousing details about these kids. For instance, they collect things when they are bored. Alex also says that she was really dumb when she was younger but now that she’s 12, she’s a lard-ton smarter. Uh-huh. I’ve got about 100 pages that will probably say otherwise, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first chapter of our book is actually Zackie reading a scary story he wrote out to his friends. The story is about our titular monster who is “pink and wet. And throbbing.”
Also:
“The monster throbbed and bounced. “Ohhhhhh!” I groaned as I saw the sticky trail of white slime it left behind on the grass.”
Nugs: Are you serious? You’re totally serious.
Lorraine: Yep. But let it be noted that I’m only quoting this so you have an accurate mental picture of our monster. And Zackie’s groaning. And the white slime. I’m not saying anything else.
Zachie likes to write scary stories and wants to be a totally famous horror story writer. I wonder who RL had in mind when he wrote th- oh, wait. I know. RL.
Alex always thinks these stories are awesome. Adam always says they are lame and he can do better, but he never actually does do better. Get used to it Zackie because those type of people are everywhere.
On the way home from Adam’s house, Zackie and Alex come across an old antique shop that has been struck by lightening and is very fire damaged. There are “STUPID CHILDREN PLEASE KEEP OUT” signs (or something like that) all over the place, but Zackie is really, really stupid, so the signs don’t apply to him. He goes running in. Alex chases after him and tries to get him to out. He almost leaves, but then sees a cool, old typewriter that is completely undamaged by the fire.
Zackie grabs it and his entire body is engulfed by blue flames and he is thrown to the ground. A few moments later, the kids decide that that was a totally normal thing to happen. Zackie is unfazed, in so much that he resumes his attempts to steal the typewriter.
Nugs: And this kid is still alive… how? Shhh…. quiet, brain. Keep reading.
Lor: While they are escaping, Alex realizes that they aren’t alone in the shop. There is a woman there and get this: SHE IS AFRICAN AMERICAN
Nugs: Finally! Brown people!!!! You know, besides Lor, kind of, technically.
What’s next, a Jew, besides me?
Lor: DREAM BIG.
It turns out the woman, whom we’ll just call Diversity, is the owner of the store. She catches the kids creeping and almost-sort-of yells at them, but then when Zackie expresses an interest in the old typewrite, she’s all, “SAY WHAT? TAKE IT. NOW. HAVE A PEN ALSO FOR FREE.”
That last part about giving him a pen for free with his free typewriter is not an exaggeration. She really gives him a pen for free. And that’s the last we’ll hear from the black lady. That’s for stopping by and playing along, girlfriend! At least you didn’t die!
Zackie lugs his typewriter home where we finally get to meet the Negligent Parents of the Book. While their son was spending gross amounts of time at someone else’s house, creeping around burned down stores, nearly stealing shit and getting electrocuted, the NPotB were… solving crossword puzzles.
Nugs: +1 for minor signs of intelligent life. -1 for Social Services.
Lor: The book specifies that they are horrible at the puzzles and always end up fighting. I think I’ll take that +1 for minor intelligence away now and keep it in our point stash in case this ever happens again. (Doubtful.)
Once Zackie explains his typewriter adventures to his parents (unsurprisingly he leaves out a lot of the details) he goes back to his room where his typewriter is sparking and lighting up in blue flames. It of course stops once he gets his parents to try and come check it out.
The next day at school, some jerks are making fun of Zackie for “seeing monsters” everywhere. The leader of all this is Adam, his supposed best friend. Adam plants mice in Zackie’s locker, and then laughs and laughs when Zackie understandably freaks out as they climb into his shirt. At this point, I’m really hoping that this blob that eats every one? Starts with Adam.
That night, Zackie decides to finally type up his blob story on the old typewriter. It takes Alex and Zackie entirely way too long to figure out that everything that Zackie types is coming true, from the “dark and stormy night” to the two kids being alone in the house.
It isn’t until Zackie types that Adam shows up on his porch, drenched by the rain, that he truly believes. Of course, we’ve established that Adam is essentially about as appealing as a smelly scrotum. Zackie and Alex try to explain the many wonders of the magical typewriter but he doesn’t believe. While they are arguing about what to do about said smelly scrotum, Adam takes it upon himself to type, “The Blob Monster hid in Zackie’s basement waiting for fresh meat.” And then he leaves faster than you can say “so the giant tongue is waiting for fresh meat, eh?”
The kids check the basement but find no blob monster. Plus, the dad shows up again and the rain stops so they wonder if the typewriter is magical after all. All I’m saying is that I have 5 chapters left so a blob better show up and it better start eating people real soon.
Negligent Mother of the Book sends Zackie to the store to pick up some things. Adam Smelly Scrotum happens to be at the store too, and makes fun of him in front of some -girls. They all point and laugh pretty mercilessly, so Zackie reaches his breaking point.
Back at home, he sits down to his type-writer, and without thinking or planning, he writes another version of his blob monster story. In this one, the entire town is destroyed, and Zackie’s revenge is exacted. So basically Zackie is the type of kid who would bring a gun to school. Right.
NMotB sends the kid back to the store because he forgot to buy bread. On his way, he of course encounters his throbbing member, ER I MEAN MONSTER. MONSTER.
Ahem:
“It made sick, sucking sounds, and the purple tongue scraped the sides of its mouth.”
“The hot, sticky tongue wrapped around my leg. Started to pull me toward the slimy, open mouth.”
“With angry cries, they both began pounding the throbbing creature. Pound. Pound. Pound.”
Maybe somebody missed their romance novel calling is all I’m saying.
Nugs: I’ll be in my room.
Lor: The Blob Monster follows Zackie home, because that’s how Zackie wrote the story. Really, kid, really? You wrote that the big, scary monster follows you home IN YOUR OWN STORY?
On the way, he finds Adam and Alex. The way Zackie wrote it, Adam is the biggest idiot of ever, thinks the blob monster is a balloon, and walks straight into its mouth. He kind of deserved that.
Nugs: LOLOLOL.
Lor: Zackie keeps running home with Alex close behind. He reaches the typewriter and tries to write an ending where the monster disappears and every one who was swallowed is okay, but the blob just ends up eating the typewriter.
But hark! The typewriter was buy one, get one Pen of Contrivance free! Zachie finds the pen and starts writing the ending with it, but the Blob Monster is all “honey badger don’t care!” He swallows that too.
Just when the kids think they are really, really screwed, Zackie remembers how Adam wrote the appearance of the Blob on the typerwriter and it didn’t come true. He realizes that the power is not with the typewriter or the pen, but within himself. Cue the Tingly Strings of an Important Lessons Learned.
Zackie thinks the monster away, thinks his friends unswallowed and they all laugh and laugh at all the creepy innuendo in this book, ERM I MEAN THEY LAUGH AT… uh… being swallowed? I’m actually not clear why they are “laughing happily ever after.”
OH, DID YOU THINK THE BOOK WAS OVER? LOL. NO.
“Well?” the final chapter starts. “Did you like my story?”
The pink Blob Monster is asking his friend, Equally Disgusting Green Blob Monster as he neatens all of his papers. The blob monster calls this story “Attack of the Humans.” The green Blob says it’s an awesome story, but he would prefer a happier ending, like one where the monster eats all of the children.
The pink Blob Monster likes to please (*choke*) and starts typing up the happier ending to the story.
The End.
Nugs: Really? Really? That was the dumbest ending I’ve ever heard. Even in an RL Stine book. It’s like he knew that we all “wanted” him to end the book with a “twist,” so he went to the Stupid Ending Generator Website.
I hate you, RL.
Lor: Well, I still love RL forever and ever. But I do have a few questions: why was the kid electrocuted? Why was the type writer sparking if it was not magical at all? Why was the stuff he was typing coming true if he didn’t believe they were coming true? Why haven’t I learned to stop questions fiction aimed toward children?
All said and done, though, that ending did seem a little premature, eh?
Maybe a little anti-climatic?
Okay. Sorry. Done now.
Just, if you will, humor me and answer me this: did I imagine all of the innuendo?
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
