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So enjoy, this Babysitters Club post that the Ladies had me put up today so they can crack wise (haha. “Crack”) on my behalf while I get extremely hammered and sob uncontrollably for days of yore
I can often tell if a novel is going to immediately suck me in due to a riveting introduction to the main character, and I know that a lot of you, as literary aficionados, would probably agree with me.
Fuck, if you’re getting your panties wet over “Call me Ishmael” and “When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton” (that was my first nerd reference of the post, and we’re only two sentences in. I’m sorry, Traumateers), prepare to squeegasm over this surefire classic:
“Hello. I’m Mallory Pike. I’m eleven.”
Whoa. Inspiring stuff. Step back, Tolkien. You better check yourself.
Sweeney: If I remember correctly, Mallory is about as uninteresting as Mary Anne. That introduction seems appropriate.
Nugs: You are absolutely remembering correctly. I would recommend having a contest to see who the most uninteresting BSC member actually is, but we’d probably all commit suicide first.
Just as I’m reeling from the thrill of being drawn into the life of this titillating sixth-grader, Mallory goes on to account- in dramatic detail- the “trials” of being eleven years old with seven siblings. Really, Mallory? REALLY? Try being almost fucking THIRTY years old and having all the Snark Ladies laugh at you and refuse to buy you a honey badger doll for your birthday. It’s OK, guys. Keep the abuse coming. You know you want to.
Sweeney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I have decided to go easy on you today, mostly because I imagine you look a little like this:
Nugs: Actually, I woke up this morning feeling more like this:
Everything’s cool, though, because Mallory’s been granted access to the Baby-Sitters Club! Be still, my stomach!
Also, why do Mallory’s parents leave her alone with the rest of the kids, when like, four pages ago they were hiring girls a year and a half older than her to take care of her? Oh, well. Continuity- one more word we use loosely here at Childhood Trauma.
Sweeney: It’s all the age and wisdom she has surely gained in those four pages. Or the fact that none of these authors know anything about continuity. One of the two.
Nugs: I’m betting it’s the latter.
Mallory’s younger brother breaks his finger and, while her parents drive him to the hospital, she’s put in charge of the rest of the Pike children. This includes Claire, who attaches the phrase “silly-billy-goo-goo” to everybody’s name. I find this incredibly fucking obnoxious and wonder if it’s wrong to want Margo from the Evil Twin Mini-series to be her next babysitter. She has no problem offing little kids; let’s hook this up, GWC.
All Mallory can think about is reporting this “job” to the BSC. Why? Why are these girls so highly exalted by the entire town? What kind of Kool-Aid are these people drinking?
Sweeney: Given the level of gross parental negligence in Stoneybrook, I imagine that they are baffled by this group of girls who know to do things like call an ambulance when a child is having an allergic reaction. They’re kind of like superheroes of common sense. (Which is mostly disturbing when you consider how little common sense these girls actually exhibit.)
Nugs: When school starts on Monday, Mallory can’t find any of the girls, so she decides to just go to homeroom and stalk the Club later. There’s a new girl in her class, Jessi Ramsey, and Mallory immediately notices that she’s a black girl!
This really makes us Snark Squad Members happy in the pants. Just a few weeks ago, we had an email chain bemoaning the lack of non-Caucasian, non-perfect size-six asses in any of our books. I mean, Goosebumps had a brown chick once, but I think she died or something. SVH has Robin, who’s a total fatty, and you know what they do to fat girls in Sweet Valley.
Claudia’s Asian, though, so I guess… #win?
Sweeney: When I was home I forgot to take a picture of my bookshelf to show you the disturbing number of books on racism that I own, as a result of being a sociology major. That would be better than my pedantic lecture about the levels of HOLY RACISM, BATMAN going on here. Mostly, though, the Ghost Writing Collective does that for me with the way they talk about Jessi.
Nugs: Seriously, reading this book was like hearing old people in a rest home talk shit about the KKK. A couple of the students throw things at Jessi and make faces at her. One future Jessica Wakefield even goes so far as to state that the new girl “doesn’t belong there.” (Really? At eleven years old? Kids are already behaving like this?) Mallory only seems creepily obsessed with forcing Jessi to become her best friend even though they’ve never said a word to each other and only sat in the same room one time for five seconds, but that plan is abruptly aborted in favor of attending her first BSC meeting.
Mallory treats us to yet another play-by-play rendition of the BSC and how exactly everyone functions, conveniently leaving out the part where Kristy eventually becomes a lesbian.
I’d like to get through ONE GODDAMN book without hearing about the friggin’ jobs these girls do in their stupid club. Unless it’s a blow job, I couldn’t care less. Once everybody is settled in, Mallory is informed that she’ll have to take a test in order to be join. There would be an oral portion (which made me laugh- no matter how old I get, the word “oral” will forever be hilarious), a drawing part, and a sample babysitting job.
Excusemewhatthefuck? Who do these girls think they are? They are BABIES. Mallory should just be like, “Yo. I take care of seven kids every day while my lawyer dad is off with Ned Wakefield competing for the title of Most Incompetent Legal Employee In The History Of YA Literature. You guys don’t know shit and I am more competent than all of you combined. Let me in your dumbass club or I will tell everyone in town that you spend all your babysitting fees on laced baby formula. KTHNXBAI.”
Instead, Mallory is a ginger pussy and agrees to accompany Claudia on a “trial” excursion.
After the meeting, Mallory runs into Jessi, the “black girl” who “coincidentally” moved into Stacey’s old house (I’m using a lot of quotation marks here. This is because Ann M. Martin’s GWC has zero imagination). It turns out that Jessi has a sister, Becca, and a baby brother, Squirt. “Because he’s a little Squirt!” Mallory figures out. Jessi claims this is because Mallory’s “smart.” Uh, not really. That was pretty self-explanatory. The girls bond over horse stories and jokes so lame that I really hope Ann M. Martin polled a few five-year-olds instead of making them up herself.
Sweeney: The GWC really loves contrivance. “We have this perfectly good house that is so conveniently located for all things BSC that has been vacated. Obviously finding another reason for Jessi to enter the BSC beyond geographical simplicity would require us to construct some sort of plot. Who do you think we are, real writers?”
Nugs: Don’t be ridiculous. Real writers don’t know what continuity means!
Wait…
The day of the test arrives, and ohmygod is it utterly ridiculous. Sample questions:
“At what age does a baby cut its first tooth?”
“What is the difference between creeping and crawling?”
“Draw a picture of the human digestive system.”
What in the fuckity fuck? I don’t even know this crap. (Jessi later claims that doctors probably don’t even know the answers to these questions, either. I’m betting that’s probably wrong.)
Sweeney: I don’t know, if the measure of Stoneybrook’s parenting is any indicator of its doctors, she might be right.
Nugs: Mallory also tags along with Claudia on a babysitting gig at the Perkins’, where she fails miserably because Claudia acts massively cunty and criticizes her every move. I find it hysterical that the Club member that they chose to judge Mallory on her child-rearing skills is the least intelligent member of the group.
Claudia is a moron and can’t even pronounce “digestive” correctly.
What’s up with all this hazing bullshit, anyway? Weren’t you losers all up in Mallory’s shit to join your asshole establishment in the first place? I hope you guys never run a sorority. Jesus.
The girls decide to give Mallory another test to prove whether she can be in the Club or not, and Mallory finally gets super p.o.’d and tells them where to stick it. Goddamn, girl! Finally, a character in the BSC series I can get down with!
Mallory again runs into Jessi, who tells her that people in Stoneybrook don’t talk to her or her family because they’re “black.” One of the neighbor kid’s moms yells at her daughter for introducing herself to the Ramsey sisters. Mallory’s little sister Claire inquires as to whether Jessi is there to clean their house (wow).
Even Ann M. Martin herself gets in on the racism parade, describing Jessi’s hand as “brown.”
Damn, Stoneybrook people. This is Connecticut in the eighties, not 1960’s Tennessee. Take it down. Way down. Calm yourselves. There will be no Bloods/Crips riots in the streets or burning of sheets or any shit like that.
Mallory tells Jessi about how bitchy the BSC has been, and the two decide to form their own club- Kids Incorporated. Sorry, girls- but that name is already taken- look it up.
Sweeney: Fantastic. What’s really great here is that at the time this book was written that was a semi-relevant reference. That show would have been what these girls were watching as pre-schoolers. GWC, this is sloppy, even for you.
Nugs: I also did NOT watch this show every day after school. At all. Ever. And didn’t remember the theme song. At all. Ever.
Also, Fergie is in this video if you watch really closely. +1 to whoever spots her before the meth addiction.
The issue that the girls are only eleven does come up (THANK YOU!); however, they immediately nail two jobs sitting for their own families, which was kind of predictable, but OK. The BSC gets wind of this and goes on a rampage, but really, what did they expect? It’s these girls’ own parents. I used to watch my brothers for free all the time, only they never listened to me. Finally, both clubs come to an agreement and decide to form a powerful merger.
No, just kidding. Everybody just decides that Jessi and Mallory should become club members, anyway (like we didn’t see this coming). They talk about boys and everyone, except for Kristy, of course, informs Jessi and Mallory that while sixth-graders suck, eighth-graders aren’t so bad.
Sweeney: Adding new members is the GWC’s favorite brand of contrivance.
Nugs: Jessi is again worried that her outward appearance will stop them from getting jobs, and Claudia brings up the fact that she’s Asian and that hasn’t hurt their client base yet. What about the fact that you guys are in fucking elementary school? Has no one considered that yet? AT ALL?
I need a drink.
Next time on the Baby-sitters Club: The Baby-sitters hope on board. Will they drown?? Find out in our first Super Special – Baby-sitters On Board!
I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
