Lorraine: After I saw “The Avengers” on Saturday afternoon with some friends, we spent a hefty chunk of time discussing what we’d just seen. We quoted lines back to each other all, “hey remember 20 minutes ago when we were watching the same exact movie together and that character said this? LOL.”
Some of the commentary was serious but a whole lot of it was shallow. Because I’m no expert in movie-ing or comic book-ing, but I give a hell of a good shallow, I was inspired to put this questionnaire together and send it out to a group of my blogger friends. They are:
Harley of 1, b, Platypus
Shelly of Shelly Starts Over Again
Kirsti of A Quick Succession of Busy Nothings
And of course, me and Nugs, your in house Ladies of Snark.
Hot or Not?
Captain America:
Nugs – Ugh. Not hot. Besides the fact that all he did was take a bunch of drugs to get his powers, he has little boy face.
Harley – Not. Good Lord. I like the US but he is like a one-man Team America come to life, and he is such a dull, humourless boy scout. What an absolute stuffed shirt.
Lorraine – Yes, dear, but did you SEE what was stuffing that shirt? He isn’t my favorite Avenger, and I’m also not a big fan of his Ken doll hair, but would I turn that away if it wanted to, say, climb in my bed? NO.
Kirsti – Maybe? I mean, he’s pretty and all. Kind of like the dumb jock that you crush on in high school/at the gym until he opens his mouth. In real life, it’s because he can’t construct a sentence. In this, it’s because he’s so must-save-my-country blah. Which, SNORE.
Shelly– Not hot. I feel like he’s too Republican or something. I just couldn’t look at him and not think about George W. Bush.
Thor:
Lorraine – Uh, hot. Actually, I’m going to say that Chris Hemsworth is actually a lot hotter than Thor is. There is something weird about Thor’s hair and how he talks all grand and… weird like. I realize I’m not being very articulate. I blame it on the arms. Mmmmm. Arms. Yep. Hot.
Nugs – HOT. Have you seen his arms? Plus he has some kind of weird accent that’s Asgardian by way of Australia. Almost any kind of accent pretty much guarantees that I will be on my back with my legs in the air in five minutes. Except New Jersey.
Kirsti – Hot. We breed ’em well down here. You’re all welcome. Personally, I loved him more in Thor when he was smashing coffee cups, because lol. But HELLO. Bicep appreciation.
Shelly – Not hot. I’m sorry! Don’t get me wrong he’s totally badass! And he’s one of my favorite character’s in the video game Ultimate Alliance, but he does nothing for my lady boner.
Harley – Hot. But hotter in his own film where he got to do nice shirtless scenes and poke a bit more fun at himself. In this movie his beauty was a bit obscured by..
Iron Man:
Harley – Yes. Stark eclipses most of the Avengers by a long hot mile. He’s got most of the best lines and he’s definitely got the best cars. Also his budding bromance with Banner made me dream of badass threesomes.
Lorraine – Hot. I just kind of want to slap him sometimes, because of all that cocky bravado. But then I would kiss him and apologize. The truth is that in a movie where there are more conventionally handsome characters, Stark exudes confidence and best of all, he’s funny. Funny = panty dropper.
Nugs – I would listen to RDJ read me my phone bill. Then I would give him the money for it. HOT.
Kirsti – Hot. It’s RDJ. Being snarky and a badass. I mean, what more could you want?!
Shelly – I’d knock boots with him, but he needs to do something about that facial hair. It’s so pointy.
Black Widow:
Harley – Hotter in Avengers than she ever was in the Iron Man movies, but that hair was distracting.
Lorraine – I ain’t hating, because I surely do not look like that in a catsuit.
Nugs – Lookswise, she’s alright. I don’t like her acting though.
Kirsti – I’m not a huge fan of ScarJo. I’m pretty sure she must have a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock if she split up with Ryan Reynolds to date SEAN PENN. But I liked her in this. I’m not sure if her acting improved, or if it was just Joss Whedon writing kickass female characters, as he does best…
Shelly – I think ScarJo gets a bad rap. If I were famous, I’d hang out with her. As for Black Widow — Does it bother anyone else that she looks like an 80’s business woman when she’s not in her bodysuit? I think her look is a little dated. Other than that, I like her.
Hawkeye:
Lorraine – I might be the only one here, but hot. So much hotter than I expected, though it might be because Katniss Everdeen has instilled an eternal love of bow and arrows in my heart. Please don’t tell me that Hawkeye came first because Katniss was the one, okay? Anyhow, mostly, his arms as he pulled back on that bow? Yum.
Harley – Meh.
Nugs – GOD YES. Don’t feel bad that you didn’t get the invite to our wedding. He didn’t either.
Kirsti – Super hot. Biceps + bow and arrows = yes please.
Shelly – I feel like I should like him. Even Nick was like “oh I bet I know who your favorite is!” — But really? He didn’t do much for me. His face looks like a bulldog, but not the cute kind. I feel like I also have to acknowledge his bow skills. They were electronic arrows, he didn’t have to aim. A monkey could do that.
Bruce Banner:
Harley – YES. OMG SO MUCH YES. Ruffalo did a great job. Broody, tortured, all kinds of huggable… Yes. So hot.
Lorraine – I was NOT expecting Mark Ruffalo. I was actually a little weirded out by this casting but I was wrong. HOT.
Nugs – I’m a Jew, so I’m automatically attracted to doctors. I’ll go with hot.
Kirsti – Meh? I mean, obviously hotter than Edward Norton or Eric Bana in the same role. I feel like he got kind of overshadowed be the other characters though.
Shelly – That’s what I’m talkin’ about. He has that sexy math teacher look.
Hulk:
Nugs – Is it wrong that I think his personality is kind of sexy? I could do without the green shit, though. Not hot.
Harley – Uhhhmmm… He’s green.
Lorraine – You know what they say about rage monsters with big feet though…
I’m totally kidding. He’s green.
Kirsti – Um… Yeah, I got nothing. Nope. Not hot.
Shelly – I would pity-fuck him. I bet he’s a good cuddler.
Agent Coulson
Shelly – I’m putting him on this list because no one else did. He’s my favorite, I’d tap it.
Loki
Harley – Also I thought Loki was hot. I KNOW. Still. Loki. Greasy weedy lost-boy goodness. He needs a hug even worse than Banner, and I would be more than willing to oblige with a full body hug. A full. body. hug.
I hope my perverted meanings have been made clear.
Pick ONE hottest member of The Avengers.
Harley – A Banner/Stark hybrid? Don’t make me choose! Fine. I’m going with Stark. He stole my heart in Iron Man and I never really got it all back.
Nugs – I’m a HUGE Jeremy Renner fan to begin with so I had trouble concentrating whenever he was on the screen. Plus he was fucking ripped for the whole movie and I had to watch him shoot arrows all over the place. If that wasn’t him sending me signals through the screen, I don’t know what is. Call me.
Lorraine – And here I was thinking I’d be the only one who thought he was hot. Anyways, I’m torn between Thor and Iron Man, but Stark wins out on a count of him being able to make me laugh and swoon. Oh, and buy me pretty things with his billions. Did I type that out loud?
Kirsti – I’m torn between Iron Man and Thor. I mean, Hawkeye was pretty badass, but he doesn’t have full blown superpowers, you know?
Shelly – STOP IGNORING AGENT COULSON! HE’S SO CUTE! (And such a snappy dresser!)
If you could have anyone’s power or skill set, whose would it be?
Harley: Thor’s. I wouldn’t mind being the goddess of thunder for a while. And if not Thor’s then I wouldn’t mind being a genius billionaire philanthropist playgirl either.
Lorraine: Thor’s. Strong and, um, godly. Also, just think about what having that hammer would do for you in traffic? Two words: road. rage.
Kirsti – Thor, I guess? It would be pretty awesome to whirl a hammer around your head and be able to fly/create a lightning storm.
Shelly – I’m going with Loki. I want to be able to multiply and get into people’s heads.
Nugs – This is such an important question. How does one ascertain such a pertinent life skill? Black Widow is such a master interrogator; imagine all the information I could finagle out of my dates, if I ever had any. Also her fighting abilities kick a lot of ass. She’s also resistant to aging and disease due to biotechnology, so haha thirty! Never gonna happen!
Captain America has no “superhero” powers, although he is considered a “perfect specimen” of the human condition. I’m already there, so that doesn’t count.
Hawkeye has no “superpowers” either, technically, although he is trained by Captain America, and if I were Hawkeye, I would get to look at myself naked everyday. Although then I wouldn’t actually get to you know, do stuff to him, so maybe not.
Bruce Banner is one of the greatest minds on the planet and I would love to have all his scientific knowledge. I’m not crazy about turning into a big green dude, though. Also how come his pants don’t rip when he finally becomes the Hulk? It’s like, he has a size 1244 chest and a 34 waist? That would never happen.
Thor is a demi-God, which might be kind of cool, and controls the weather, which could be really helpful when I’m back East. He’s also super-strong, and I weigh like 11 pounds, so that sounds pretty appealing. Also he can heal himself, which is great because I’m always bumping myself and getting paper cuts and shit. He can also travel through time, which means that if I had his powers I could definitely prevent Justin Bieber from ever being born. The only drawback to having Thor’s powers is that he can hear noises from all over Asgard, which could get really fucking annoying if you’re trying to sleep.
Iron Man has what is considered “acute awareness of the physical processes within his own body,” which would be awesome when I’m expecting my period or like, trying to find my G-spot or something. He built his own flying Iron Man suit, which is exceptionally badass. He’s also a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. Also, he’s Robert Downey, Jr.
I guess if I had to pick one (and I do, because Lor says so), I would have the powers of Thor, with Iron Man coming in a close second. This changes by the day though, so ask me again tomorrow.
Favorite scene or line in the movie?
Harley – Hulk -v- Loki
Also, as a close second, Thor -v- Iron Man. Highly entertaining!
Lorraine – Captain America dispatching the Avengers, I’d say. I was seriously giddy, and by the time Hulk bounded off, I might have let out one quiet “squee.”
Nugs – When Thor finally shows up and Iron Man makes fun of him by going, “What is this? Shakespeare in the Park? Doth mother know thou weareth her drapes?” That was hilarious. Anything Iron Man/Tony Stark says in this movie is great.
Kirsti – Hulk vs. Loki. Also, “Hulk? Smash.” Also also? “Puny god…”
Shelly – I won’t elaborate, but the second scene after the credits. I laughed more than I probably should have. Either that or Loki v. Hulk. That was pretty awesome.
Was there any clapping in your theater?
Harley: Not so much. People don’t really clap over here for movies….
Lorraine: Seriously? There was SO MUCH CLAPPING. Clapping for every time one of the hero’s first came on screen. Clapping for every time something blew up. Clapping for when Thor flexed. (That was me.) Clapping especially when Hulk took on Loki. I didn’t even hear what Hulk growled out at the end. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE CLAPPERS?
Kirsti – Surprisingly, yes! NO ONE claps at movies here. Like, ever. I have NEVER been to a movie (besides in America) during which there was spontaneous applause. But when the end credits rolled, people clapped.
Nugs – When The Avengers were in the jet and the storm started I definitely did not yell out “YES! THOR!” Also when they showed Stan Lee (that’s not a spoiler, it’s on all the websites and in every magazine) I absolutely did not applaud. I also did not fangirl out and start squeeing during the trailers for Spider-Man, Prometheus and The Dark Knight Rises (!!!!!!!).
I’m so alone.
Shelly – Just at the end when the credits started. Nugs, I don’t think we could go to a movie together, I want to slap people who yell in theaters. Love you, but don’t love you in the movies.
Thanks for reading, especially that part where Nugs wrote an essay about super hero powers! Feel free to chime in on any of these questions in the comments. Show some love to Loki or Agent Coulson, or tell us if you’d pity-fuck the Hulk too.
Important life questions, y’all. Important life questions.
