Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 03: It’s a good thing I can drink legally.

Previously: Christian Grey super stalked Ana all the way to the hardware store where she worked and then bought everything you might need if you had an unconscious person in the trunk of your car. Ana asked Grey if she could have his picture taken for the article Kate is writing. He agreed.
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Lorraine: Chapter 3 summary:

The long version:

Ana calls Kate with the photo shoot news and Kate’s very excited. She’s also convinced that Grey’s intentions are more than just a helping out the newspaper. Kate’s all, “isn’t it kind of weird that he followed you all the way to where you work and gave you his cell phone number?” Yes. Yes it is.

Ana regurgitates Grey’s “I was in the area” thing and I can just imagine Kate rolling her eyes.

I didn’t mention this in chapter 2, but Ana keeps telling us about this “small, quiet voice” in her head. Actually, she told us specifically that this voice was coming from the base of her brain in the medulla oblongata where her subconscious lives, because E.L. James wants to make sure you have all the details, ever. And, I know we all have conscious thought but her voice is kind of creepy and it’s always whispering things. Why is her head voice whispering, you guys? Who’s going to hear it?

Kate tells Ana that the fact that Grey gave her his cell phone number means he likes her. Medulla Whisper (you know, in her head) is all,” maybe Kate is right,” but out loud Ana says Grey was only being polite. Because attractive millionaires always politely give their numbers to near-strangers, in my experience.

Contrivantly (which is like conveniently but with more contrivance), the newspaper’s photographer is out of town and they need someone else to take the picture of Grey. Who else is a photographer? Ah, yes. Jacob. I mean Jose. Can I call him Josecob? It’ll be my one ongoing reference to how this story is basically Twilight.

Kate tells Ana to call both Josecob and Grey to make the arrangements. Ana is all, “you call Grey!” and Kate tells her that would be stupid because she’s the one who has a relationship with Grey. Ana balks at the word relationship, like if it were “penis” and this were the 5th grade.

Kate is finally like, “just call them” and hangs up the phone. I’m pretty sure Kate is my favorite thing about this whole damn book, just because she hung up on Ana. I wish I could hang up on her too. I realize this isn’t a telephone call.

Ana hates her best friend so she sticks out her tongue at her cell phone. I half wonder if there was a “neener, neener” involved too.

Oh, apparently this whole exchange is happening while Ana’s still at work. Paul, the boss’ brother who gave her that really affectionate hug in front of Grey earlier, comes into the stock room and is all, “we’re really busy out in your place of employment. Think you can stop making faces at your cellular device now?”

Except he doesn’t actually care what Ana is doing. He really came back here to ask her what the deal with Grey is, since everyone can see that something is happening, except Ana herself. Because she is an idiot. Paul also takes this opportunity to ask her out on a date. According to Ana, he asks her out every time he’s in town and she says no every time. I’d say he needs to get the hint, but since we’ve met three male characters and all of them want Ana OMG SO BAD, I have to conclude that he really can’t help himself.

I will now share with you this next part in it’s entirety.

“I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination. Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. I slap her down.”

LOL. Now Medulla Whisper has a figurative eyebrow. This is perfect. And for those of you who’ve ever read my Sweet Valley High recaps, and think I’m going to say anything about how much I hate the term “all-American,” well, you’re right. HATE. HATE. HATE.

Paul is all, “one day you’ll say yes,” and Ana runs for her life.

We suddenly and awkwardly cut to Josecob groaning about having to shoot Grey. He’s more of a place photographer than a people photographer. Kate grabs the phone away from Ana and tells Josecob that the newspaper will cover his gallery opening if and only if he shoots Grey. And so it is settled.

Kate hangs up with Josecob and then commands Ana to call Grey to work out a place and time. Ana’s really nervous about it. She’s shaking and huffing and puffing. It’s really uncomfortable to even read about. Grey answers and Ana gets even more nervous when she is “suddenly conscious that Katherine Kavanagh is staring at [her].”

UM.

1.) Are we back to calling your dearest friend by her first and last name? FINE.
2.) HOW CAN YOU BE SUDDENLY CONSCIOUS OF THIS? SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO CALL.

I apologize for the caps. Not really, but sort of.

Anyways, in James’s attempt to make all things sexy, we are told that Grey says everything very seductively and “sphinx-like” when, really, all he says is, “how about tomorrow at 9am?” Ana sputters and blushes and heaves, which let me tell you, is totally unattractive. Do not actually try this around a man.

Ana recognizes she is an idiot:

I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.

Is that weird? Wouldn’t you say “legally drink?” I’m not sure. If you think about the opposite, it would be “drinking illegally.” I would like to think that “drinking illegally” would consist of like drinking through your eye or your nose. Or drinking while jay-walking. I think this book is messing with my head.

After Ana hangs up, Katherine Kavanagh is all, “you clearly like him because you are blushing” and Ana never blushes! (Except every other second. But besides that, never.)

Ana hates her best friend, so instead of being all, “I do like him girlfriend!” and popping some corn and doing each others’ pedicures while they talk about how hawt Grey is, she snaps at Katherine Kavanagh. It is totally ridiculous that she would like a handsome, successful man! How dare her best friend think she is worthy of the admiration of any man?!

Ana can’t sleep that night because she’s dreaming about “smoky gray [GRAY!] eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.”

Oh, yeah coveralls. You just know what coveralls do to me.

The next morning, Katherine Kavanagh, Josecob, some guy named Travis and Ana are on their way to the hotel where Grey is staying.

When Grey finally arrives, with some body guard type guy in tow, he’s looking hot and Ana freaks out.

Ana and Grey shake hands again and there is more static electricity, maybe because Grey is wearing flannel pants. Ana introduces everyone, and Katherine Kavanagh is a bad ass and shakes his hand like normal person. Ana thinks that this is because Katherine Kavanagh went to private school and has lots of money. I like to think it’s because she has some measure of self worth.

Josecob sizes Grey and Grey sizes Josecob and nobody cares.

After the shoot, Grey asks Ana if she would like to walk with him. If it were me, I’d be all, “we’re in a hotel suite. Where exactly are we going?” but Ana just drools and twitches.

They walk out of the suite they’re in long enough for Grey to ask Ana out for coffee. She begs out of it, saying that she has to drive her friends home, but Grey says Taylor (the body guard type dude) will take them. Instead, Ana decides to ask Katherine Kavanagh if they can switch cars, for some reason I can’t follow right now because this is seriously the longest chapter of ever.

As Ana walks back into the suite, Katherine Kavanagh is all, “he obviously likes you but I don’t trust him.” Ana ignores this, probably because she’s thinking, “you were the one pushing him on me!” and announces that she’s off to have coffee. Josecob is sad.

Katherine Kavanagh continues to warn Ana, by saying that Grey is dangerous and that Ana is too innocent for him. Ana doesn’t care. They switch cars and Ana’s off to get coffee even though, she admits, she hates coffee. Of course she does.

Grey grabs her hand and they walk that way all the way to a nearby coffee house. It would be cute if this weren’t Fifty Shades of Grey and if this still weren’t chapter mother freakin’ three because E.L James insists on telling us about every damn thing, even the traffic light they stop near.

At the coffee shop, Grey goes to get their drinks and Ana looks at him “from beneath [her] lashes.”

WHAT. Someone please explain this to me because my eyes are always beneath my lashes. Is she closing her eyes like 75% of the way? This is also unattractive mostly because this is the mental image I get of that:

Ana blushes 87 more times and Grey takes control of the conversation by asking if either Josecob or Paul are her boyfriend. Ana says no and then asks why he wants to know. Grey says it’s because she’s nervous around men. Ana finally admits that she’s actually really intimidated by him. His response is, “you should find me intimidating.” And that’s the point at which I would get up and leave.

BUT NO. CHAPTER THREE GOES ON.  Apparently admitting that she’s intimidated makes her super brave because they actually start having a conversation!! I mean, she’s still blushing after every freakin’ thing she says, but! A conversation!!!!11.

Unfortunately, this conversation consists of every single thing we already know. Grey basically says that he’s intrigued because he has no clue what Ana is thinking since she spends her time blushing, saying nothing and huffing like an asthmatic grandmother.

She asks why he hasn’t asked her to use his first name yet and Grey says only family and a few close friends call him Christian, and even though I’ve been calling him Grey this whole time, I suddenly want to call him Christian. I’M A BLOGGING REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.

For some reason, this answer makes Ana think that since he’s so much of a control freak, he would’ve been better off with Katherine Kavanagh who is also a control freak, and almost nearly blonde. Medulla Whisper reminds Ana that Katherine Kavanagh is also beautiful. (Remember Ana is disgusting AND has big blue eyes.) Ana is so dumb, she clearly can’t see that the last thing Grey wants is a woman with a sense of self.

Other stuff they discuss over coffee: their parents, the fact that Grey’s little sister is in Paris, the fact that Ana would prefer to visit England because of all those British classics she likes to read, and the fact that Ana misses her mom and lived with her step-father until college.

Grey walks Ana back to her car and asks her if she always wears jeans. Uh, weird. Ana asks if he has a girlfriend and he says no that, “he doesn’t do the girlfriend thing.”

This makes Ana sad and she goes to… take a step? and falls, of course. She falls headlong into the street, defying all the laws of physics in the process. At that exact moment, a rogue bicyclist comes zipping down the road, but thankfully Grey grabs Ana out of the way.

Grey holds Ana against his perfectly perfect chest and starts petting her face and looking longingly into her eyes.

AND SCENE.

I just noticed that I went back to calling Grey, Grey.

I lose.

I don’t have a E.L. James writing nitpick today, not because there aren’t any, but because I would like to take a moment to bitch about Ana. Some more.

Ana is a horrible narrator. Even if there were people out there who managed to get past the terrible writing in Fifty Shades, I can’t imagine why anyone, anywhere would want to read about Ana. What train of thought leads authors to think that they should create characters with absolutely no self esteem? It feels like there is this assumption amongst some authors that if a character feels completely undeserving of even the slightest attention, it makes their romantic story even more romantic.

I’m really afraid of how many more pages I’ll have to suffer through, “but why would he like me?” type observations. This character’s self esteem is so low, that she’s sitting there having coffee with him, and she’s thinking about how he should be there with her best friend. I mean, he asks her to coffee, and her thought is, “he must think I look sleepy.” HOW DENSE ARE YOU?

I hate this character. I wish that rogue bicyclist would’ve ended all of her suffering.

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Things get about a million times more creepy when Grey decides to track Ana’s cell phone. Track. Ana’s. Cell phone. True and actual plot point in chapter 4.