Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 05: There are other ways to have him in your mouth.

Previously: Grey warns Ana away from him and then gives her an expensive stay-away-from-me gift. Ana goes to celebrate graduation by getting drunk and Grey tracks her cell phone and finds her just in time to see her puke and pass out.
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Lorraine: Ana wakes up and slowly pieces together that she’s in Grey’s bed at the hotel he’s staying at. Shame rolls over her as she remembers drunk dialing, nearly being raped, and lots of puking. Ana notices that Grey’s left two advil and some orange juice out for her on the bedside table.

“Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth.”

EL James is battling for first on my list of least favorite authors. Everything she writes is clunky and unnatural. Ana, waking up after a night of throwing up, sounds like an infomercial for orange farmers. Stupid.

Grey enters the room wearing some work-out clothes.  Ana notices his sweat stains and it makes her happy in the pants. She wants to know how she got to the hotel room and Grey takes a seat at the edge of the bed.

“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,” he says phlegmatically.
“Did you put me to bed?”
“Yes.” His face is impassive.
“Did I throw up again?” My voice is quieter.
“No.”
“Did you undress me?” I whisper.
“Yes.”

And then:

“We didn’t-?” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the question. I stare at my hands.
“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly.

How can I do this justice? Just imagine Grey as a robot, since he’s so dry and impassive, and Ana has laryngitis because she’s whispering everything. This book just really knows how to build the sexual tension, right? Especially with words like “phlegmatically” because FYI it has the word phlegm in it.

Ana apologizes again, and Grey jokes that it was a very “diverting” evening. OH. GUYS.

I was going to make another comment about who the heck talks this way when it seriously JUST dawned on me. Christian Grey is basically Edward Cullen, right? AND EDWARD CULLEN IS OLD. He talks like an old-timer because he’s a millionty-year-old vampire!!! And for some reason, probably because it made all the copying and pasting easier, EL James decided to keep this as a trait for Grey. I was a little slow on the uptake there. Not that knowing why Grey talks like an ass will make it any better, but there you go.

Anyway, Ana doesn’t like being laughed at, so she snaps at him for having stalked her all the way to the bar in the first place. Grey gets angry and points out that had he not stalked her entire life, she would’ve been waking up in Josecob’s bed, all date raped and stuff. That’s really nice that the author wanted to camouflage the whole tracking your cell phone thing with date rape. You can’t fool me, James.

Ana makes fun of Grey for talking like an old vampire, and he stops being angry. He schools her in the ways of drinking, namely eating before and drinking water during, and Ana asks if he’s going to continue to scold her. Grey says she’s lucky a scolding is all she’s getting.

“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.” He closes his eyes, dread etched on his lovely face, and he shudders slightly. When he opens his eyes, he glares at me. “I hate to think what could’ve happened to you.”

Are there women out there that consider Grey a romantic hero? I’m just wondering, because it appears to me that he’s saying he would’ve punished Ana for going out to celebrate graduation. And it kind of seems he’s being a little “how dare you get groped by Josecob” about the whole thing. If she ever gets nearly raped again, then she has to go home and get beat too? This is weird. I’m just not okay with this on so many levels.

Instead of focusing on the part where a man just referenced spanking a grown woman totally nonchalantly with no context, Ana is all, “squeeee! I want to be his!” Ana claims she would’ve been fine, even though Josecob did get out of line. Grey says the next time he gets out of line, someone should teach him a lesson. She’s all, “well you just want to spank everyone, huh?” and Grey says, “you have no idea.”

This is not at all off putting for her, because he smiles and she gets lost in his good looks. Ana says her medulla oblongata (seriously, she mentions it again) is no longer sending the signals required for her to breathe.

Let me try and re-write that thought for the author in a condensed way: I couldn’t breathe.

TA-DA. SOMEONE PUBLISH ME.

Grey reminds her that she should breathe and goes to take a shower. Ana turns into a pile of Grey-goo.

“One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shinning, dazzling armor – a classic romantic hero – Sir Gawain or Lancelot.”

I keep asking the readers questions in these recaps and no one ever answers me. For real guys, answer: WHY IS STALKER IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH AS KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR?

Ana gets up from bed and Grey gets out of the shower. They are both half naked, and the most that Grey can say is that he sent away her jeans because they had vomit on them. Maybe that would kill the mood for you, dear friend, but Ana is just really happy because Grey bought her new jeans and shoes.

She hurries into the shower because she’s really embarrassed to be half naked. In there, the smell of Grey’s body wash makes her horny and the first real sexual thing happens after five chapters is Ana groping her self. Pass.

Grey announces that breakfast is served, so Ana hurries out of the shower to find that Taylor the Bodyguard has also purchased blue lacey underwear for her. How thoughtful. Ana’s hair is really disrespectful again, so she’s determined to go search for a hair tie.

This search for a hair tie is sidetracked by the grandeur of the suite. It reminds Ana of Kate and she’s all, “oh yeah! Kate!” Grey says that since he’s not a sucky friend, he already text his brother Elliot, who is with Kate. Ana gets judge-y once again, about what she assumes will end up as a one night stand. Not really because she cares about Kate much, but she hates the pajamas Kate wears when she’s sad. And one night stands are the totally the saddest…?

Ana asks Grey about the Tess books he sent her. Grey stops eating and looks at her with GRAY! eyes, “burning with some unfathomable emotion.” Sounds like it hurts.

He ignores the burning in his eyes to explain that after Bicycle Gate, when Ana was “looking up at [him] – all ‘kiss me, kiss me, Christian,” he felt he owed her an apology and another warning. I’m just really impressed that her Kiss Me Telepathy actually worked! That is a skill you put on a resume, girlfriend.

Grey says he’s not a romance kind of guy. His tastes are “very singular.” He says Ana should steer clear of him, but admits that he’s having a hard time steering clear of Ana. I know nothing keeps me coming back for more quite like: drooling, heaving, sputtering, tripping, falling, crying, flushing, blushing, whispering, snapping, and of course vomiting. And there, ladies and gents, you have Ana in a nutshell.

Ana says that if he can’t stay away, than he shouldn’t. Grey insists that she doesn’t know what she’s signing up for. It’s true, Ana. I had not a clue.

When Grey says nothing, Ana confirms that he is in fact not celibate. Grey is all, “LOL. No. Got any plans in the next few days?”

She does, actually. She’s packing for her move to Seattle and working at the hardware store. Grey asks if she has a job lined up in Seattle. She answers that she’s still waiting to hear back from some places. He asks what is wrong with his company and Ana is all, “your company or your company?” She looks down and starts biting her lip and Grey says, “I’d like to bite that lip.” Remember this. Or not, because trust me, it comes up again.

Ana asks why he doesn’t bite her lip and Grey replies that he he isn’t going to touch her until he has expressed written consent. Isn’t that the sexiest thing you’ve ever heard? “Baby, I’m gonna sex you up… after you sign on the dotted line.”

He wants to explain more fully over dinner in Seattle. Ana wants to know now, but he says that he’s enjoying breakfast and what he shares might mean he’ll never see her again. Ana’s curiosity is piqued, and she agrees to dinner that very night. They are going to fly to Seattle in a helicopter and when Ana asks why, Grey simply answers, “because I can.” This, dear readers, is also going to be something he repeats a lot.

Grey orders Ana to finish eating all the food on her plate, because he has an issue with wasted food. When she swallows the last piece of pancake, he says, “good girl” and I hate him even more. He then orders her to go dry her hair, because she could fall ill if she goes outside with wet hair. I half expect Ana to ask if she can stay out until after the street lights come on because this daddy/daughter thing is all up in my face.

Guys, remember last post when I got all irrationally angry about a fictional character stalking another fictional character? Please. Brace yourself:

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth.

No!

NO.

It would NOT be like having him in your mouth! It would be like having his teeth gunk in your mouth! More importantly, you don’t know how HE feels about having your teeth gunk in his mouth!! YOU DO NOT SHARE TOOTHBRUSHES. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS.

Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

This is the least erotic thing ever. See, whenever we do get to any “erotic” scene, you know what I’m going to be thinking, right? “He stalked you and you stole his toothbrush.” You’ve lost E.L. You’ve done it all wrong.

After her sneaky tooth brushing, Ana and Grey are out the door. They walk totally okay until they reach the elevator, which for some reason, makes Grey lose it. He says, “fuck the paperwork,” and pushes Ana up against the elevator. I would like to add “fuck the paperwork” to “floor the pedal to the metal” on the list of things Fifty Shades has inspired me to randomly yell.

Grey pins Ana up against the wall and kisses her. Now that she can actually feel his erection up against her body, it seems she’s finally realized that Grey wants her! Phew. I thought we would have to endure more pages of, “but does he liiiike meeeee waaaah?”

The elevator stops, so they stop kissing. Ana is totally losing her shit, but Grey is better at keeping it together. So good, in fact, that Ana wonders if he liiiiiikes heeeeer waaaaaah. REMEMBER THE ERECTION, ANA. IT WAS TWO SECONDS AGO.

Grey breathes out in an effort to steady himself and that makes Ana feel better about herself: “my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”

I hate E.L. James. I cannot decide whether I hate “inner goddess” or “gentle victorious samba” more. What a twat. Who in the hell says stuff like this? WHO?

We interrupt the above, an actual kissing scene, to bring you this splash of cold water:

“You’ve brushed your teeth,” he says, staring at me.
“I used your toothbrush,” I breathe.

Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.
Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.
Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.
Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.
Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.
Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not sexy.

Let’s see how many ways this is not sexy:
– Grey was going to kiss her with vomit/alcohol/morning/pancake breath. NO.
– Ana stole some time with your toothbrush.
– THAT is the comment you make after your first kiss with Ana?
– You are totally okay with her stealing some time with your toothbrush.
– And lastly, I hate you all.

The two of them get off the elevator, Grey wondering out loud what it is about elevators, and Ana trying her best to keep up behind him.

There are so many other things I want to say, but I’ve read the next few chapters, and all the stupid stuff James wrote in this chapter she repeats again. And again. And again.

See you next time, guys.

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana visit’s Grey’s apartment, or as I like to call it, the place where he’ll almost certainly murder her in chapter 6.