Previously: Grey took Ana to his apartment. There, he wooed her by making her sign a non-disclosure agreement. We join them now, seconds after he’s finally revealed his Spanish Inquisition style play room. Fun for all.
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Sara: HAI BLOG HAI. So a whole shitstorm of shitstorminess happened right after I got married. For example, 1) my car broke down and I had to buy a new one, b) my laptop committed suicide, and cat) I got laid off at work. Just last night, my wonderful husband fixed my computer because he is the best husband in the whole world really, really tired of listening to me bitch about it.
The moment I found out my laptop was fixed, I texted Lorraine to say, “COMPUTER FIXED. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I AM SO IN.” Because when you’re talking about a book as awful as this one, the shouty capitals are really necessary.
Lorraine: There are two things she isn’t telling you here: 1.) I MISSED SARA’S INTERNET PRESENCE SO MUCH. 2.) I’ve been emailing my group of friends all the time about this terrible book and one of those emails was basically me trying to woo them over to the dark side and recap with me. I WIN.
Sara: I’m so happy to be along for the ride with all of you, because this book is PHEN. OM. EN. AL.
And away we go!
Ah, chapter seven. This is the part in the book, where if you didn’t know it was a dirty dirty novel, you might be all, “UM. THIS IS NOT YA FICTION. MYBAD.” Good thing I had plenty of warnings before getting here.
Ana spends about fifteen hours describing the dirty, dirty sex room to us. Canes, whips, floggers (oh my!), a large wooden X with cuffs on each corner, and the amazing lighting that makes everything look soft and romantic. (Her words, not mine.) Basically, it looks exactly like all of our BDSM rooms.
Uh. Just kidding.
Ana takes it all in pretty calmly compared to how I would handle the situation.
Sara: If only Nancy Drew were on the case!
Ana’s a little scared at first, but then decides that she’s certain Christian Grey would never try to hurt her. You know, since she’s known him for a whole 2 days and all. Date rape, shmate rape, amiright?
Lorraine: And it’s not like he’s stalked her, ordered her about gruffly, threatened to debase her and has taken great joy threatening to never let her escape from his helicopter. He is the picture of all that is safe in this world.
Sara:
“Say something,” Christian commands, his voice deceptively soft.
Why does everyone in this book whisper so much? YOU’RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE THERE. STOP BEING WEIRD. Yeesh.
Ana asks if Christian does the hitting or vice versa, and he says he does it to women who want him to. When Ana asks why Christian doesn’t just call up one of those women, Christian tells her, “because I want to do this with you, very much,” to which Ana lets out an audible gasp. We could probably do a gasp count for this book and beat the Sweet Valley Cry count in no time.
Lorraine: Also: what in the hell is an audible gasp? What is that, E.L? Or, better yet, what the hell would an inaudible gasp be, exactly? HUH? It’s a stupid thing to say, is what it is. Let me help you out here:
Grey tells Ana that he is a Dominant, and she whisperasks him what that means. Christian explains the rules of Dominant/Submissive to Ana, and to all of us old-fashioned people. Christian says being a Dominant means that he wants Ana to “willingly surrender [herself] to [him], in all things.” Ana asks him why she would do that, and he whispers, “To please me.” Again, with the whispering!
Whisper count: 3
Lorraine: It’s like E.L.’s own characters are ashamed of what they have to say. Like they are thinking, “God I hope no one hears this garbage…” so they just whisper everything.
Sara: Christian goes on to say that he has rules Ana must follow.
“‘They are for your benefit and for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,’ he whispers.”
Whisper count: 4
Shall count: What time portal are these people from?
According to Christian, it’s all about gaining Ana’s trust and respect so that he can make her do whatever he wants.
“The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”
I don’t know. Looks pretty complicated to me, Mr. Grey.
Lorraine: The fact that I thought those lines meant he was getting electrocuted probably means Fifty Shades has already ruined me for life.
Sara: When Ana asks Christian what she would get out of their arrangement, he says, “…Me.” -_-
Christian takes Ana to an extra bedroom that will belong to her if she chooses to sign up for this sexlationship. She would stay in the house with him Friday through Sunday, but they would never actually sleep in the same bed together because Mr. Grey has a thing about sleeping with other people.
Since Ana has signed the non-disclosure agreement, Christian gives her permission to ask him anything she wants. Intrigue wins out over fear and Ana says, “You mentioned paperwork?” If Ana decides to enter into this sexlationship, she will sign a contract stating exactly what will and won’t happen between the two. “How did you become this way?” Ana asks him.
“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”
We’re talking about cheese … Holy crap.
Lorraine: OH MY GOD. He’s just shown you a damn torture room, and then he asks if you like cheese and you’re all, “OH NO! CHEESE! HOLY CRAP.” ARE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANT?
I’m sorry. Carry on.
Sara: Christian spends a few minutes getting angry at Ana for not eating. Seriously. He actually gets angry with her, even after she whisperinforms him that she isn’t hungry. He says, “You will eat,” and James keeps mentioning that he says it in a commanding tone. Go figure.
Whisper Count: 5
Ana (AGAIN) questions why Christian wants to sex her and not some other woman who actually has some sexperience with being a Submissive, and Christian (AGAIN) tells her that she’s different and special and I think this is supposed to be romantic? But no. It just isn’t. Gross.
“I want you very badly, especially now, when you’re biting your lip again.”
Ana forgets every single thing she’s heard about Christian Grey in the past fifteen minutes and falls in love all over again, as she does.
Fuck the paperwork!
Just kidding. It’s paperwork time.
Christian takes Ana to his study to show her the contract. Here are the basics:
Rules
Obedience: The Submissive will obey any and all instructions from the Dominant.
Sleep: The Submissive must get a minimum of seven hours sleep a night.
Food: The Submissive will eat regularly and follow a strict diet.
Clothes: The Submissive will wear clothing purchased and approved by the Dominant.
Exercise: The Submissive will work out at least four times a week.
Personal Hygiene: The Submissive will stay clean and waxed at all times.
Personal Safety: The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take drugs, or put herself in danger.
Personal Qualities: The Submissive will not have sex with anyone else.
After hearing all of these rules, Ana’s only questions are “Do I have to wear the clothes?” and “About the working out? LOL.” Oh, girl. I feel you.
Lorraine: I think this is totally not specific enough. Like, the submissive should stay clean- AND USE HER OWN DAMN TOOTHBRUSH AT ALL TIMES. Fixed it!
Sara: Without Ana mentioning anything regarding the actual sex part of this sexlationship, Christian hands her the part of the contract that says what he won’t do in the bedroom, the most interesting of which being, “No acts involving gynecological medical instruments.” Damn. There goes my fantasy.
Lorraine:
“Well, when you’ve had sex, was there anything that you didn’t like doing?”
“Well… I haven’t had sex before, so I don’t know.”
“Never?” he whispers. I shake my head.
“You’re a virgin?” he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls.
END SCENE.
Lorraine: 1.) I have so many issues with Ana of course! being a virgin. I’m holding it in right now. Seriously. Why would I comment on gender roles and the blatant sexual double standard that’s being bashed over our heads?
2.) Yay growling! I love when my men make menacing animal sounds.
Sara: Our overall Whisper Count? 6. AND THAT’S JUST IN ONE CHAPTER.
Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana sounds like a pirate and it’s probably not for any reason you could imagine she would. Read all about in Chapter 8.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
