Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 08: Let Go of Me Booty, Matey!

Previously: Ana and Grey whispered at each other a lot as Grey revealed that he is a Dominant in search of a sub. Grey shows Ana his contract of sub-stuff, which includes a list of things he will absolutely not do. (No playing with fire, y’all.) As the conversation turns to what Ana’s “hard limits” are, it is revealed that she is a three headed monster! LOL. JUST KIDDING. She’s a virgin.
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Lorraine: So, Ana’s a virgin and Grey is having a hard time dealing with this. Grey says he doesn’t understand why Ana didn’t cough up to being a virgin. Ana says that 1.) the subject never came up and that 2.) she’s known him for like a couple of days and that isn’t information you share with strangers.

You can, however, share your BDSM playroom with strangers. That is totally okay.

Ana can’t understand why her virginity is making Grey so angry. He’s like the Hulk, except that virgins make him go green. Someone please write this comic soon.

 

Grey says he knew Ana was inexperienced but he never imagined a virgin. And now, he’s shown her his deepest, darkest secret, and all along she was keeping this from him.  No one mentions the obvious, that Grey didn’t reveal anything until Ana signed a ton of paperwork. Sorry Grey. No paperwork, no secrets.

Grey asks if she’s even kissed another guy besides him which is kind of dumb of him to ask seeing as how he saw Josecob kissing her. Wait, does rapekissing count?

He wonders why some “nice young man” hasn’t swept her up, as she is a beautiful 21-year old girl. I usually am really offended by the implications of that whole, “why are you still single,” deal. Trust me, that as a single 25-year-old woman, I know it gets annoying to hear. It’s as if people are really asking, “what the hell is wrong with you? You SEEM normal.” In this case, though? It totally fits Ana. Why is she single? Oh, you know, crippling self esteem issues. Just that.

Instead of being affronted, Ana just puts her head down and grins goofily because Grey called her peeeerty.

“I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s nearsighted, my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”

Oh, hey subconscious! What up, girl! Though, I’m not sure why Ana is hating and calling you somnambulant, because you’ve basically been the most vocal character in this entire book. I think someone just had a Thesaurus handy… *ELJAMESAHEM.*

Grey is surprised that she was sitting there seriously discussing what she wants out of a Dom/sub relationship, when she hasn’t even had sex. Aw man. Stop making me agree with you Grey! He asks Ana if she’s been avoiding sex, and she just babbles about not being attracted to anyone, ever.

Ana asks why he’s angry, and he clarifies that he’s angry at himself for assuming. And we all know that assuming makes an ass out of you and anyone named Christian Grey.

Grey asks if Ana wants to run away ye,t but somehow everything that’s happened thus far is okay with her and she’d like to stay. Ana’s bites her lip again and Grey asks her to stop. She apologizes for biting her own lip and Grey’s all, “when you bite your lip it makes me want to maul it,” or something like that.

Ana gasps because she’s required to at least once a chapter.

So, at this point Grey is all, “okay well, let’s do the damn thing,” though that’s putting it romantically. What he actually says is:

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

Since our heroine suffers from Too Stupid to Live Syndrome, she’s all, “huh?” and Grey clarifies that he means to relieve her of her virginity by making love to her. He’s decided to make this an exception to his “no love making” rule.

Grey asks Ana to bed again saying, “we can start your training tonight – with the basics.” Guys, no wonder women all around America are swooning. I love it when guys refer to having sex with me the same way they’d refer to teaching a dog to pee outside.

Just to be clear, Grey says that even though he’s going to make love to her, it doesn’t mean that he’s suddenly going to be all “hearts and flowers.” This is ultimately a means to his kinky end. Seriously, he calls taking her virginity a means to an end. What the hell is the appeal of him? WHAT?

Oh, wait, his GRAY! eyes are intense.

After the last post went up, Sara sent me a text message asking me what I was going to do about recapping all the sexy times and I told her I seriously had no idea. Truth be told, James does this weird graphic-non-graphic thing in all her scenes. For instance, Ana consistently uses “down there” to refer to her vagina. We also get “behind,” “backside” and “erection.” It’s like James knew I would be recapping this and didn’t want to write “vagina” a million times or “swollen, throbbing member.”

I honestly never read these type of books, though, so I have nothing to compare to. Does anyone say “throbbing member?” They probably should. Always.

Grey pulls Ana up against his body, grabs her hair, and yanks it back until she’s looking up at him. He then finally bites her lip, which thank God, so maybe he’ll shut up about it now. Grey take Ana into his bedroom and his furniture is made of GRAY! wood. Except that suddenly the author spells the color like “grey,” his last name, so that I’m imagining that all of Grey’s furniture is made up of his skin. It pretty much fits, right?

Grey asks Ana if she’s on the pill, which she isn’t, so he takes out a condom. He murmurs something about being prepared and Ana whisper-says that she doesn’t mind keeping the blinds open while they have sex. Grey whispers a few more things about how much he wants Ana and then asks if she has any idea what he’s going to do to her. Um. Sex? Is this a trick question?

All sorts of stuff is happening over in Ana-land, including but not limited to muscles deep inside of her clenching in a delicious fashion and desire pooling in her belly. She’s also hypnotized by GRAY! eyes.

Ana has the best internal “exclamations” during this whole sex scene. We’re supposed to be sold on all this hot, hot loving because she goes, “oh my…” My favorite one in this chapter, though, has to be, “holy Moses.” SEXY.

Grey pulls Ana’s scrunchie out of her hair and then gasps when her hair tumbles out. Um. I’m not sure why he finds hair so surprising.

We interrupt some making out and talk of erections by this thought from Ana:

“I can hardly contain the riotous feelings – or are they hormones? – that rampage through my body.”

Oh, you dumb girl. There is a near-naked man, supposedly a god on earth, pressed up against your body. Are you seriously wondering about the particulars of why you feel funny inside? Dear sweet Lord.

Grey stick his nose “down there” and murmurs something about Ana smelling good. He then takes off her sneakers and socks and starts licking her feet. EW.

I don’t want to offend anyone who is totally into feet, but um: EW. Not only cause of the whole feet licking but because she just had her feet in sneakers. Tell me that seeing the “playroom” didn’t make her feet a little sweaty, right? Ew.

And then. Grey tells her to show him how she pleasures herself, and, of course, Ana never does, never has and probably never will. Because Grey can be a dirty, kinky son of a bitch, but Ana musn’t be naughty at all.

Grey murmur-sexes Ana some more by kissing her all over, playing with her breasts and insisting that she lay still.

Ana has her first orgasm of ever, so now she’s all enlightened, though, I’m confident that it won’t actually make her any less stupid.

Grey whips out his Princess Sophia (10 points for the reference!) and of course it’s the biggest penis of all time. Because he’s Christian mother freakin’ Grey. Ana is really scared about where she’s going to fit it all, but Grey has none of these concerns and gets to getting.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers and he slams into me.

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.

Please tell me that you caught that she just yelled, “aargh.” Like a pirate, guys. LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING PIRATE.

We get a few sentences more about the sex but it’s mercifully over before Ana starts screaming “ahoy!” or “aye aye!”

Grey wants to know if he hurt Ana, and she is sore, but after gazing at his mussed up hair and GRAY! eyes, she whisper-informs him that she would like to do that again. So, they do it again, except this time Ana removes her bra and Grey takes off his shirt. I have no idea why they were both just having sex mostly clothed. Is this another trick?

Grey whisper-asks if she really wants to do it again and then murmur-says that he’s going to take her from behind this time. Grey talks a lot during sex, saying that Ana is his (SOOKIE IS MINE.) and asking if she likes this or that, but Ana never actually says anything back, which is weird.

I guess Grey is tired of her staying tight lipped too because he orders her to open her mouth and he sticks the finger he was just dipping “down there” into it. She tastes her own virginity blood, you guys.

POLL: WHICH IS WORSE: SHARED TOOTHBRUSH OR VIRGINITY BLOOD TASTE TEST?

Any-I-just-grossed-myself-out-for-forever-way, Grey keeps “doing it.” He says he wants to make her really sore so that she’ll remember him all day long the next day. It’s like he wants to wirelessly stalk her through her vagina. It’s a pretty cool plan.

So, they finish that and Ana passes out. Not forever, though. I read ahead.

She wakes up some time later, but Grey isn’t next to her. She suddenly hears some piano music and it’s really sad. Ana goes to investigate and Grey is sitting at his piano, getting his emo on. He plays beautifully of course, because he’s Christian Grey. Also, we are reminded in this sentence that he has GRAY! eyes.

Grey finally hears Ana creeping around and she apologizes for disturbing him. Grey apologizes right back for waking her. Ana originally thought Grey was naked, but he’s actually wearing his pajamas, which hang from his hips “in that way.” She keeps saying this a lot about the pants Grey wears. It’s been a long chapter. Remind me to rant about this soon, kay?

They talk about the music he was playing but Grey orders Ana back to bed. Ana wants him to come back with her. He admits that he has a hard time sleeping next to anyone, but does eventually follow her back to the bedroom. He asks how she feels as they both notice the blood all over the bed. She affirms that she’s fine.

Ana tries to reach out and touch Grey’s chest but he backs away. She realizes that she’s never touched his chest and… Ruh-roh. Someone has even more issues! I mean, other issues besides the stalking/ordering around/being creepy stuff.

There’s no time to think about that though because they are going to climb into the bed with the bloody sheets and fall asleep. Sanitary AND sexy!

Now, dearest readers, I shit you not with these totals:

Whisper Count -17
Murmur Count -20

There is nothing further to say.

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana and Grey have more sex and we’re introduced to the iconic gray tie in Chapter 9.