Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 11 – To Love, Honor, and Flog

Previously: Ana stole Grey’s boxer briefs and it was probably the proudest she’d ever been of herself. Grey gives her the Sexy Times Contract and leaves her to consider their future.
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Lor: I’ve accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it “boring.” Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she’s decided to interrupt the main action of the “plot” to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.

Just the entire damn thing.

I really would’ve loved to see EL’s brainstorming process here.

Amazing! Yes! Clearly you should include an entire contract in your novel.

And this is how it starts:

The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regards to her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.

Loose Translation: Girl, I’m doing this for you!

Truth: LOL. YEAH. RIGHT. Christian Grey is just so concerned about Ana getting to explore her sexuality. This contract has nothing to do with him getting his rocks off and using manipulation and distraction to do so.

Next, we are told that both parties are confirming that they have no sexual or life threatening illnesses and that if they should contract any illness during the contract term, they will immediately inform the other.

Then, their roles are defined. The Dom’s role is to do whatever the hell he wants. Or, I mean, more specifically he’s in charge of the sub’s well being and as long as he’s being “safe” can do whatever the hell he wants. The sub’s role is to “obey in all things.” So like Simon Says! Kind of.

Next we’re told that the contract is valid for three calendar months, during which the sub has to be available from Friday evening to Sunday afternoons and any other agreed upon days.

Here’s a gem:

The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.

Loose Translation: You are stuck, bitch.

Seriously, Ana, you can REQUEST your release and Almighty Grey will consider it? DO NOT SIGN THIS ANA STEELE.

I skipped a whole page of contract right in here. You’re welcome.

Then we get a little bit of this:

The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

I’m sorry. OWN? TO OWN?

Ownership of said sub means that the Dom can flog, whip, or corporeally punish her at any time for discipline or pleasure as long as he leaves no lasting marks. I don’t own a whole lot of stuff, but I don’t know that I own anything I would treat this badly. I mean, I drop my phone a lot, but that can’t be helped.

I skipped a whole ‘nother page of contract right in here which leads us to the rules for the Submissive. On top of agreeing to be someone else’s property, Ana must also agree to: take oral contraceptives, NOT LOOK GREY IN THE EYES UNLESS HE TELLS HER TO, not touch Grey during sex unless told to (?), to only address Grey as “sir” or “Mr. Grey,” and not masturbate.

Finally, the damn thing is over and we finish with the safe words. Yellow means slow down and red means stop, so clearly, Grey got really creative there.

OH WAIT NO. GUYS THERE IS AN APPENDIX. I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS OVER.

The appendix is more rules for Ana: she must get 8 hours of sleep minimum (…how will he know?), she must only eat off of a list of pre-approved foods, she must exercise 4 times a week, she cannot drink to excess, smoke or take drugs, and she must not have sex with anyone else.

Then we get a little survey. Not like a cool, personality survey or “which guy is right for you” survey. We get gems like, “is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive?” and questions about vaginal and anal fisting.

Holy Fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list. I swallow hard, my mouth dry, and read it again.

Oh, so you read the part about anal fisting again BUT YOU CAN’T READ THE FOOD LIST? Sweetie pie, the pre-approved foods are really the least of your worries.

How can I possibly agree to this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sexuality- my limits – safely- oh please! I scoff angrily. Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words… obey? This throws me.

No, stop it, Ana, WHAT? This is not okay reasoning.

1.) He wants to spank you, not marry you.

2.) Marriage vows can say whatever you want them to say baby cakes.

3.) Even those vows with obey in them do not proceed to say, “to be owned, flogged and fisted,” less we give grandma a heart attack.

So no. Your logic is once again a fail.

Ana decides to sleep on it and her subconscious is all, “really? You are considering this?” Her inner goddess is “jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old.” Another reference to children in this erotic novel, because apparently this is another thing we need to have once a chapter.

Ana’s inner goddess begs her to please sign the contract less they end up alone and surrounded by cats. And really, at 21 years old, her options are so slim, am I right? She’s right on the edge of never-ending, all-consuming loneliness.

Ana goes to sleep and dreams of GRAY! eyes and shackles.

The next morning, Kate wakes Ana up because she’s got a delivery that she needs to sign for. “It’s big,” Kate informs her. Ana stumbles out of bed and goes to greet the delivery man. There is a “large” box in her living room, and the delivery man tells her he has to set it up and show her how to use it. “What is it,” she asks. “A MacBook Pro.”

 

 

Delivery Man sets up the laptop, which I assume means he “plugged it in.”

So, because Ana mentioned not having a laptop, Sir Mr. Grey has sent one over. Sir Mr. Grey has even set Ana up with an email account and Ana’s all, “I have an email account?!” SERIOUSLY? A COLLEGE GRADUATE IN THE YEAR 2011 DOES NOT HAVE AN EMAIL ACCOUNT?

Anyhow, Ana and Grey send a few emails back and forth and when I reviewed this book as a whole for a guest post on another blog, I was forced to pick a “best part of the book.” I threw up a little, and then I chose the emails. If I knew nothing about stalking and shared toothbrushes and virginity blood and serious mom issues and crippling low self esteem THEN, these would actually be semi-cute.

Ana goes to get ready for work and she’s so excited she got an email!!!11!1lolz. She’s like “a small, giddy child.” I should probably start a pedo-count.

Ana has a two paragraph lunch with Josecob, in which the entire unwanted-gropage thing is handled thus:

We cool?

Yes.

The end.

Clearly, we should dedicated entire pages to a contract, but that whole “my best friend maybe was going to try and rape me?” plot point should be solved in sentences. Date rape is just really easily solved anyways.

Ana gets home and Grey emails her that she should start her research. Ana, a college graduate in the year 2011, wants to know how to do this “internet research” and Grey directs her to the most accurate source of knowledge, “Wikipedia.” Ana types in “submissive” and half an hour later she’s a little queasy. But also a little turned on? She’s very confused.

I just typed “submissive” into Wikipedia, but I didn’t get anything crazy. Ana must be using that special Wikipedia…

That’s the end of the chapter, and I saved up my big complaint for the end: THIS CONTRACT IS THE DUMBEST THING OF ALL TIME. I’m pretty sure we can prove this with science. Seriously, what is this “legal and binding” contract BINDING TO? Also, what if Ana just gets up and runs way? What then?

I hate this book.

I’m also really sorry that the chapter we delayed posting due to site changes ended up being incredibly anti-climatic. We probably could’ve planned this better…

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Watch Grey use sex in a manipulative manner in Chapter 12.