Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 13 – Hoarders: Ana’s Head Edition

Previously: Christian bought Ana a laptop so she could Wikipedia BDSM and better decide if she’s willing to let him spank her. True story.
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Lorraine: This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.

I’m sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It’s just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won’t have her at all. Pout.

Ana’s so worried that she decides to call her mom to distract herself, not because she actually likes her mom or wants to know how she’s doing, or anything. Her mom apologizes a murmur-count amount of times for not being able to make it to Ana’s graduation. See, her husband Bob twisted a ligament and now they can’t travel. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard about this sudden disappearance of every crutch ever made! Her mom should totally not come to her graduation.

(I take back what I said about Ana calling her mom. I wouldn’t call her either.)

After she hangs up, Ana goes into her room and turns on the laptop to find an email from Grey. He’s responded to her list of Sexy Time Contract grievances by copy/pasting the definition of “submissive” and sending it along. As if seeing the words “submissive servant” are somehow going to make Ana go, “OH! WOW! When you put it that way…” Douche.

Ana replies with a copy/paste of the definition of compromise. And because the entire appeal of this whole book series is the underlying idea that yes! you can fix a man! I have more faith that Grey might actually look at that and say, “Ooooooh. Compromise? Is that what my fucked up life is missing?”

Grey actually replies with, “good point, well made, as ever, Miss Steele,” which is close.

Ana and Grey email-bicker back and  forth about whether Ana will be picked up or driving herself. Grey concedes and they set up a meeting place. Ana is happy because she “may need to make a quick get-away.” Uh, red flag. Dude, seriously, if you need a get-away car for a date, with a man you’ve already slept with multiple times? RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.

After that is settled, Ana calls Ray, her step-dad. They talk a little about graduation and Ana says lots of nice stuff about him taking care of her and having quiet strength and inner fortitude, traits she’ll need for her date with Grey (red flag). Ana decides she’ll just have to channel her “inner Ray” during her date tomorrow. UM.

1.) Girlfriend, for real. If you need to channel your inner step-dad for a date? THINGS ARE GETTING CREEPY. RED FLAG.

2.) Now you have an inner Ray? I’m not sure you can have this many inner things. It’s like an episode of Hoarders inside of Ana’s head.

 

Ana spends the rest of her evening drinking cheap wine and packing up her apartment with Kate, that bitch.

We cut, suddenly and awkwardly, to Ana at her job. Paul, the boss’s brother, is back in town and apparently he’s been following Ana around all day asking her for a date. I really don’t get the point of Paul. To prove that Ana is desirable? Like having Grey and Jose in love with her wasn’t enough? Or maybe to make Grey look good? I mean, yeah, sure, Grey wants you to be his sex slave BUT Paul totally keeps following you around! RUDE!

Ana finally tells Paul that she already has a date with Christian Grey and Paul is stunned. Ana is offended by his shock and:

A small part of me resents that he should find this a surprise. My inner goddess does, too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers.”

…

…

I’m trying to think what this gesture is. Surely, if her inner goddess had flicked him off, E.L. would say that, right? Guys, right? Plus, she said “fingers.” What’s going on here?

Ana leaves work. Kate has lent her two dresses- one for the date and one for graduation- because Kate is a better woman than I’ll ever be. Ana cleans up and shaves and combs her hair and bitches and complains about her literary heroines never having to do dumb shit like “apply mascara.” Hmm. I must’ve missed the chapters where these literary heroines were signing Sexy Time Contracts. What I mean to say is: STFU ANA.

All dressed, Ana comes out and Kate pronounces her hot. Ana says she was going for demure and business-like and Kate says that too, but mostly hot. Then Kate says, “I’m just keeping it real.”

Word.

Since Ana hates when anyone is nice to her and she hates her best friend, she sort of just runs away to her date.

When Ana arrives she spots Grey and takes a good moment or two to admire his linen shirt and his beauty. In that order. We get a brief mention of Ana’s clumsiness, but at this point in chapter 13, that is SO a chapter 1 plot point. I’m surprised she even remembers that clumsy is a thing that she is.

Grey murmur says that Ana looks stunning and that he approves of her wearing a dress. Grey orders them some wine, his GRAY! eyes are still totally there in case you were wondering, and Ana is nervous. They both whisper-confess to being nervous.

Ana wants to get down to business and asks if they should go through the Sexy Times Contract point by point. Oh, no! Please no! NOT POINT BY POINT.

 

Grey says Ana is all business and they jokingly talk about the weather before Ana brings up the fact that the contract is legally unenforceable.

“You know that the contract is legally unenforceable.”
“I am am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.”
“Were you going to tell me that at any point?”
He frowns at me.
“You’d think I’d coerce you into something you didn’t want to do, and then pretend I have a legal hold over you?”
“Well…yes.”

Okay, but seriously:

1.) WAS he ever going to tell her? Isn’t it super creepy that he didn’t lead off with, “this is an unenforceable contract?”

2.) Yes, Grey. Everyone reading thinks you’d coerce her into EXACTLY that.

3.) If Ana thinks that he would do this to her, again: WHY IS SHE ON THIS BIG RED-FLAG OF A DATE?

Grey bullshits that it’s less about a contract and more about an arrangement. And I get that. I had a cool comment-conversation with one Emily C about the contract being more of an arrangement and being something not uncommon in dom/sub relationships. Which I get. I do. My problem is that Ana didn’t KNOW any of this. She doesn’t know a damn thing about dom/sub relationships. She was just handed a contract and that was all. Hell, she hadn’t even had SEX until like one second before she was handed a Sexy Times Contract. THIS. IS. CREEPY.

“Anastasia, it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I would like to make with you – what I would like from you and what you can expect from me. If you don’t like it, then don’t sign. If you do sign, and then decide you don’t like it, there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away. Even if it were legally binding, do you think I’d drag you through the courts if you did decide to run?”

Grey: This contract is fake. Also, there are get out clauses.
Lor: Oh, like the THIS CONTRACT IS FAKE clause. Asshole.

Grey bullshits some more about how these types of relationships are built on trust. If Ana can’t trust him not to rape her, stalk her, hurt her, or kill her, really she’d be a normal, human girl. No, really, what he says is that she should trust him to know her limits. And that it all comes down to whether or not if after two bangs, a week, and about 47 totally impossible orgasms, she trusts him.

Ana just remembers how he doesn’t trust her as evidenced by his tittie attack when Josecob called her.

Then.

THEN.

He asks if Ana is hungry. Yes, dearest readers, we’ve come to the “eat. Eat now. Eat more. Eat harder, stronger, faster” portion of our chapter. Grey asks if Ana would prefer to eat at the restaurant or in his suite. Ana says she’d prefer to stay in public on neutral territory. Red flag.

“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning.’

Ana says she HOPES being in public would stop him but no. He’s Christian mother fucking Grey and he’s got them a private dinning room. Creepy fuck.

Grey leads Ana to their private rape room and demands that she not bite her lip. You guys all realize that you read these recaps a week or so apart. So every week, Ana bites her lip a few times, they murmur a handful of times and Grey demands she eat. GUYS, IT’S EVERY CHAPTER. EVERY CHAPTER IN THE BOOK. NO WEEK IN BETWEEN. Just turn the page and BAM, E.L is repeating all the same stuff again.

I blame her for my overuse of the word creepy. It’s my murmur. I realize this and IT’S ALL HER FAULT.

Grey’s already ordered dinner for them and goes straight to Ana’s issues with the Sexy Times Contract. He pulls out her email and starts going through line by line. He confirms that he has no STD’s and checks himself every six months. He’s had no blood transfusions and has never done drugs. Ana thinks he’s a control freak and this time she’s actually wrong. He orders dinner for her? SWOON. He’s a sexually active man who keeps up with his health? Control freak!

I don’t comment nearly enough on how dumb Ana is.

The food comes out and it’s oysters. There’s some weird “just swallow” type wink, wink action going on. It’s really sexy. Just kidding! It’s oysters.

Grey says that “obeying at all times” isn’t really up for compromise. It’s basically THE part of the deal. Ana admits that she’s scared to be hurt and Grey just bullshits some more about trust. Ana’s scared after Grey relates a story of how he hurt a sub once by suspending her from a ceiling. Ana asks him not to suspend her. His GRAY! eyes are intense but he agrees to make it a hard limit. He asks if maybe now she’ll do the “obeying” and Ana whisper-agrees to try.

They move on to the term. Grey says that one month is too short, especially if she wants a whole weekend to herself. He proposes three months with one day a weekend to herself in exchange for one day midweek. Oh, sure, he sugar coats it with, “I can’t stay away from you,” but the truth is that he doesn’t even wait for her to agree to his new terms before he moves on.

He explains that the ownership thing is just a matter of terms and goes hand in hand with obeying. As soon as Ana enters his apartment, she’s under his will. He clarifies some more that he will fuck her any time, any way, any place and that he will train and discipline her by any means necessary. Ana isn’t really paying attention. She’s staring at him, in awe of how passionate he is about this. Except that it’s not a train set or model airplanes, you dense pisspot, it’s wanting to own you.

Grey whisper-asks if she’s still following. He then whisper-observes that she’s been very quiet.

He continues:

“Discipline. There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain Anastasia. They are two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other. I can show you how pleasurable pain can be. You don’t believe me now, but this is what I mean about trust. There will be pain, but nothing that you can’t handle. Again, it comes down to trust. Do you trust me, Ana?”
Ana!
“Yes, I do.” I respond spontaneously, not thinking… because it’s true – I do trust him.

Ana! Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo, he called her by her first name. Break out the nipple clamps, everybody. Clearly a man that uses your first name is a man to be trusted. Smart thinking. He’ll probably use your first name when he asks you to jump into the trunk of his car.

Grey is super excited that they trust each other now. Before dessert and everything! He tries to dismiss everything else as just details, but Ana says that they are important details. She’s probably thinking about anal fisting. That’s just a guess.

Ana won’t back down from not having him tell her when to eat. He just needs to know that she’s never hungry and they settle around that. He also won’t dictate when she sleeps. She asks about not being able to look in his eyes and he explains that it’s a dom/sub thing. She asks about not being able to touch him and he says, “because.”

Ana asks if it has anything to do with Mrs. Robinson. (AKA RAPE.) Grey is all, “wuh?” until he realizes that Ana thinks Mrs. Robinson traumatized him. Uh, yeah, ’cause of that whole rape thing, you know? He assures Ana that it isn’t like that at all.

After this, Ana’s had enough of the conversation. They haven’t gone over the soft limits yet, but her Hoarder brain really can’t take anymore. Grey says that’s okay because what he really wants is to peel her out of her dress.

His most potent weapon used against me again. He’s so good at sex- even I’ve figured this out.

Pfft.

1.) Why would you know that he’s using sex as a weapon AND BE OKAY WITH THAT? It’s like if someone showed you the gun they were going to maim you with and you were all, “ah yes. The weapon of my destruction. Lovely.” Okay, maybe not exactly like that but mostly, RED FLAG.

2.) How have you figured this out, oh moronic one? You have nothing to compare to. All you know is that you think he’s good at sex with you. 

Ana murmurs that sex isn’t a good idea. Grey murmurs that she could be the dessert. Ana whisper-says that he uses sex as a weapon and it isn’t fair. If you think Grey would be offended by this, obviously you haven’t realized just how big of a creep he is. He ADMITS to using sex as a weapon. “Doesn’t change how much I want you,” he says. Yes. It does.

Grey says that he wants to try something and Ana tries to process it all.

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy.” His voice is soft, seductive. “All those decisions – all the wearying thought processes behind them. The – is this this right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now? You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom. And right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.”

 WHAT.

Just raise your hand if you thought that was insulting at all. Seriously, women, seriously, THIS is the guy you are falling for? Mr. Decisions Are Hard? Mr. Don’t Worry Your Pretty Little Head Off? Mr. I’ll Take Care of It By Doing It My Way?

I am appalled.

Grey knows that Ana wants him because she’s flushed, her breathing has changed and she’s clenching her thighs. Ana’s all, “how do you know,” seeing has her legs are under the table, covered by a table cloth. Grey’s answer? “I felt the tablecloth move, and it’s a calculated guess based on years of experience.”

…

Experience being a creepy murderer? Jeez.

Ana tries to put off the sex and says she has to finish eating her food. This book makes me hate food. Grey glares at her with GRAY! eyes, in case we forgot what color they were, and says he doesn’t care about food anymore. Ana’s inner goddess is all, “c’mon be sexy” and Ana decides to sexy eat her asparagus. I SHIT YOU NOT.

She’s sucking on asparagus when the waiter enters the rape room and “breaks the spell.” That sexy, sexy asparagus spell. Ana’s head is suddenly clear and she decides she needs to leave. Ana stands to leave and Grey says he could make her stay. Yeah, chloroform, Grey. Roofies. We’ve heard about them.

Grey says that when he first met Ana and she was all “yes sir,” “no sir” he really thought she was a natural born submissive. I guess he skipped the “polite” assumption, huh?

Grey murmurs some crap about knowing that she doesn’t have a submissive bone in her body, but still wanting to explore with her. Ana lets him kiss her and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever kiss him again so they really kiss a lot. Grey tries to convince her to stay the night, but Ana says no. She’s having “a moment of clarity” which just bothers me. Seriously, what’s going on during the other times of this book?! Fuzzy consent? I am not okay with this.

Ana needs time to think if she can participate in this relationship. Naturally, this makes Grey pissy, so he goes back to calling her Miss Steele and escorts her to the valet, all dry and impassive like.

Ana murmur-thanks him for dinner. He softens a bit and tries to make a date for Saturday and Ana says maybe. He gives her his coat. The valet brings up Ana’s old car and Christian is appalled by it. He makes a “we can do better than this” comment and, oh Christ. He’s gonna buy her a car. Is this why women are swooning? Whatever dummies. He’s a creep.

Ana cries all the way home. He’s made her cry more times than he’s had sex with her. RED FLAG. She knows how messed up any relationship with Grey will be but the thought of never seeing him again is the worst ever. She comes home to an email from Grey wondering why she ran. He hopes he answered all her questions and promises to take things slow. He really wants to make it work. It almost seems sweet if you close one eye, squint the other and forget that what he means by “this” is a shady D/s relationship. Aww, right?

Seeing the email makes Ana cry more. She can’t even answer it. She gets in her PJ’s, climbs in bed and thinks about all the times Grey tried to warn her off. Her last thoughts before bed are that if being a Dom is all he knows and Christian Grey is all she knows, perhaps they can chart a new course together.

What?

Oh, yes, obviously the “he’s a creepy jerk who manipulates you with sex, gives off murder vibes, threatens to essentially rape you at every turn, makes your head so fuzzy you have these epic moments of clarity, and hardly ever respects your wishes” course. Right, right.

Wait, I almost forgot. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM.

 

Murmur Count – 4
Whisper Count – 5

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana graduates from college and has her first wet dream ever in Chapter 14.