Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 16 – All Your Orgasms Are Belong to Me

Previously: Grey comes over to Ana’s to discuss soft limits. Fisting is out and so is suspension, but diving into Ana’s ass is still a possibility.
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Lorraine: Ana’s waking up and she’s all hazy with sleep and sex. Her head is on his chest and she tells us that he smells like fresh laundry and the best smell in the world: Christian.

Oh, really? He smells like Christian. Great, amazing. Thank you E.L. James for not actually wanting to do any writing heavy lifting and vague-ing it up so that lonely women every where can insert their own interpretation of what the Christian smell is. I’d personally like to think he smells of mommy issues and desperation. Oh, and a little papery, like the money that makes it all okay.

Ana touches his chest and Grey is on her like a hawk, removing her hand. “Don’t,” he murmurs. Ana whisper-asks why he doesn’t like to be touched as she stares into his GRAY! eyes.

He replies: Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up.

Did you all hear that? It was the sound of panties dropping all around the world. Nothing sexier than the extremely disturbed, amIrite?

Grey elaborates that he had a “very tough introduction to life” and that talking about it is not his favorite thing to do so he changes the subject to sex because 1.) well played and 2.) what else would Ana and Grey talk about?

We get a really clunky segue that leads Grey to this observation:

Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.

Uh, whut? You’re not just a pretty face you are also… a pretty face who orgasms a lot? I’m not sure, guys. I’m not sure.

Ana is both startled by his keeping count of her comings and embarrassed because she remembers the dream-gasm from chapter 14. She tells him that she had a wet dream and he wants to know what she was dreaming about.

Ana covers her eyes and thinks, “like a small child, I briefly entertain the thought that if I can’t see him, that he can’t see me.”

E.L. James spends every moment not writing about sex writing about stuff that will make the sex scenes all the more disgusting. Ana IS a small child AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL HER MOMMY IMMEDIATELY.

“I won’t ask you again,” Grey daddys, and Ana confesses that in her dream he had a brown plaited leather riding crop. “There’s hope for you yet,” Grey murmurs.

Grey stands to redress and suddenly asks Ana when her period is due. Ana is stunned into silence as Grey explains that he hates wearing condoms. It takes a while to answer because while such subjects as anal sex and swallowing semen are okay, periods are “personal stuff.”

“It’s due next week,” she finally manages. He says that she will need to start some sort of contraception. Ana, of course, has no doctor of her own so Grey says he’ll get a doctor to see her at his house next Sunday.

Grey makes to leave and Ana whisper-offers to drive him home, but Ana’s still drunk from her champagne last night (?) so Grey called Tyler the Bodyguard. Ana asks if he got her drunk on purpose and well, DUH. She obviously did not watch my vlogs. He explains that Ana clams up and he needed her to be communicative, so he drunk-ed her. Awesome, right? This really speaks to me on the level of a totally normal and healthy relationship.

Ana glosses over everything he says because all this manipulation is NBD. In fact, she asks him to stay to have some more sex.

Grey declines because he’s already broken so many contract rules and the Sexy Time Contract Enforcement Police are going to catch him. Oh, no, wait. Such a thing doesn’t actually exist so all these rules you’ve supposedly broken are of your own making and don’t matter. Grey says he’ll see her on Sunday and once she’s signed the revised Doesn’t Fucking Matter Sexy Times Contract, then they’ll play.

Ana says something smart and is all, “or I could never sign and drag this on for forever.” Seriously, because he keeps showing up at your door, tying you up and having sex with you anyway.

Grey gets creepy though and he “jokes” that he would crack, kidnap her, and then keep her as his sex slave 24/7.

Grey, it isn’t really funny when like 98% of EVERYONE believes you would actually do that. True and actual statistic. Grey finishes the joke with, “so you have no choice,” and Ana rolls her eyes.

RUH ROH.

Grey is on it. He’s all, “did you just roll your eyes at me,” and Ana denies such a thing. Maybe her Restless Lip Syndrome is spreading y’all! THIS COULD BE SERIOUS.

Ana whispers that she hasn’t signed the contract and Grey’s all, “well, now that doesn’t matter at all, even though one second ago it mattered so much that I refused to have sex with you.”

I told you what I’d do. I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard.

Ana freaks out for a moment. She considers running (from her own house…) but decides if she doesn’t do this she’ll lose Grey forever. She crawls over to where he is on the bed and he whispers “good girl” and directs her to stand.

He bends her over the bed and pins her down.

Grey: Why am I doing this?
Lor: What is, “because you are fifty shades of fucked up.”
Ana: Because I rolled my eyes at you.

Grey: Do you think that’s polite?
Lor: What is, “YOU AIN’T MY DADDY.”
Ana: No.

Grey: Will you do it again?
Lor: What is, “E.L. James only has about three recycled plot points so I’m going to bet all of my powers of snark on the answer being yes.”
Ana: No.

So, Grey peels off Ana’s sweatpants and she thinks that it’s “demeaning, scary and hot.”

Mmmkay.

Grey starts rubbing her behind and then starts spanking her. He alternates between rubs and hits and growls at Ana that if she doesn’t keep still, he’ll hit her for longer.

By the tenth smack, Ana cries out, “AARGH.” Instead of being afraid that a pirate is coming after him, Grey says he’s just getting the spanking party started. Ana keeps crying out and Grey creepers, “no one to hear you, baby, just me.” I’m pretty sure he took that line from the Things to Say Before You Murder People Handbook. Chapter 1.

Grey dips some fingers in her vagAna and he comments on how she apparently liked the hitting a lot because she’s wet. Ana’s all, “certainly not!” Grey murmurs his permission for Ana to come and gets to getting. Ana’s “traitorous body explodes in an intense, body-shattering orgasm.” Grey follows.

I have so, so many problems with “traitorous body.” If your mind is saying no, you stupid piece of crap, WHY IS THIS MAN STILL IN YOUR HOUSE? You body isn’t betraying anything. You put it there. You and your stupid-ass inner goddess and your good-for-nothing subconscious.

Grey says, “welcome to my world” and then whispers, “well done.” They lie together for a while but then Grey has to leave. He asks if she’s okay. Ana’s confused because she is, amazingly, okay. She’s says she’s “radiant.” She whisper that she’s fine and Grey heads toward the bathroom.

Ana redresses and notices that her pants chafe against her backside. She’s super confused because she somehow feels better after her “hiding.” She explains that she would avoid ever having it happen again, but that she’s really feeling great post-beating.

Grey comes back with some baby-oil for her butt. He pulls down her pants again and her subconscious is silent no longer.

“Up and down like whores’ drawers.”

If Grey is fifty shades, I’m pretty sure Ana is three hundred seventy nine shades of fucked up. That’s a guesstimate.

Grey murmurs something about liking his hands on her and Ana can’t look at him. She escorts him all the way to the door before Grey’s all, “look at me.” He murmurs that she didn’t cry, grabs and kisses her. He whisper-kisses “Sunday” and Ana takes it as both a threat and a promise. I really love when boys threaten to date me. Happens all the time.

Ana adds another shade of fucked up-ed-ness to her count as she tells us how she’s suddenly unbearably lonely, unhappy with her own company, uncomfortable in her own home, dying for a good cry but unable to sit down to do it because her ass is sore. I can’t keep adding, “and this is what people are fawning over!??!!!” at the end of each paragraph, but please, feel free to do so at home.

She decides that it’s time to keep calm and call her mom, even though it’s late. Mom picks up and Ana whisper-apologizes for the late hour. Mom notices right away that something is wrong. Ana starts crying and admits it’s a man problem. Mom is all, “what did he do to you and Ana is all, “it’s not like that!”

It’s not like…? Like he’s stalked you, hit you, manipulated you, encouraged drunkenness or controlled you? Yeah, no, it’s not like THAT at aaaaall.

Ana explains she’s fallen for a guy but that he’s very different from her and she’s confused. Ana’s mom asks how long she’s known him and she answers “three weeks.” Mom rightfully says that that’s shit for time and that she should hold him at arm’s length until she actually knows something about him. Ana’s all, “whoopsies. Too late…” Mom invites Ana to Georgia for a little R&R and Ana considers it.

Katherine Kavanaugh gets home and after finding Ana crying, again, asks, “has the obscenely rich fucker upset you again?”

Yep.

Kate offers to sit, talk, and encourage their alcoholic tendencies with more wine. Kate says that if he’s making her unhappy, she should dump him. Ana thinks about how Kate’s world is all black and white and there are no “hues of gray.” Ana got this thought process directly from the Things People in Abusive Relationships Say. Chapter 1.

After their talk, Ana checks her email. Grey’s sent this one:

You are quite simply exquisite. The most beautiful, intelligent, witty and brave woman I have ever met. Take some Advil- this is not a request. And don’t drive your Beetle again. I will know.

Well. 1.) I wonder if he’s discovered all this intelligence and wit from exploring her vaginal cavity. Because otherwise, I’m not sure why he would think that about her. They have next to no conversation.

2.) Nice of you to soften the demands with compliments, sir.

3.) STALKER.

They exchange a few emails in which it’s decided that Taylor the Bodyguard will collect her old car and sell it. Ana refers to herself as “some women [he] fucks occasionally” and that makes Grey angry. He says she wouldn’t like it when he’s angry and Ana says he doesn’t like him very much anyway. Why? Because he never stays with her. She powers off the laptop, climbs into bed and cry, cry, cries.

She’s still crying when she hears Katherine Kavanaugh yelling things like “what the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” and “since she’s met you she cries all  the time!”

Clearly, Grey has invited himself in and he bursts into Ana’s room not two seconds later. Ana gasps a “what are you doing here” between sobs. Kate comes in and asks if Ana wants her to throw Grey out. Grey and Ana are very surprised by this and I just go, “yaaaaay!” Ana says she’s fine though so Kate just threatens Grey and leaves, like a boss.

Ana asks what he’s doing there and he blah blah blahs about taking care of her needs. He came because she said she wanted him to stay, and he finds her crying uncontrollably. He knows he’s responsible for the wah-fest but he isn’t sure why.

Grey whisper-pleads for her to explain. He thought she was okay! She said she was okay! Ana says she thought she was okay too but that she didn’t like the spanking and would prefer he never did it again. Grey’s all, “well you aren’t meant to like it.” Ana wants to know why he likes it.

He explains again about liking the control it brings him and says he’s wanted to spank her ever since chapter 1 when she asked him if he was gay.

“I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine Kavanaugh is responsible for all this, and if she’d gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she’d be sitting here with the sore ass. I don’t like that thought. How confusing is this?

UGH. ANA REALLY?

1.) Are you really blaming Kate for this? THAT IS YOUR LOGIC? UGH. Someone murder punch this girl.

2.) I find it hard to believe that Kate would find herself in this situation at all. I refer you back to her threatening to kick Grey out. Kate strikes me as a girl with, I don’t know, standards. Self worth.

3.) Yes, confusing. YOU ARE CONFUSING.

Ana asks why Grey wants to change her. Grey says that he doesn’t, that she’s wonderful, but that he likes to have a set of rules for her to follow and that he’ll punish her if she doesn’t. When Ana presses he says that it’s the way that he’s made and that the punishment aspect of it just turns him on. He admits that he’s doing a crappy job explaining everything, but that he’s never had to before.

Grey asks how she felt after the spanking. I believe she said, “radiant.” On this page, though, she says, “confused.” Grey’s all, “nuh UH. You were sexually aroused by it.”

Him mentioning sexual arousal makes Ana put her sexy face on. Grey murmurs for her to put it away. He doesn’t have condoms and besides, she’s clearly too upset for sex. Grey wants to know why she’s always so open in emails but then he shows up and she’s all stupid.

“You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun,” I whisper.

Grey whispers back that she has that the wrong way around. That he’s completely bewitched by her. He asks her to write him an email spelling out all her feelings, but that for tonight they’ll just sleep. Ana asks if he wants to stay and all he manages is “you want me here.”  Super romantic.

They get in bed and Grey says, “if you are going to cry, cry in front of me.” Ana’s all, “uh, do you want me to cry?” because I’m pretty sure if he said “yes,” she’d start crying right then and there. But he says no, he just wants to know how she’s feeling. They turn off the lights and Grey murmurs his orders about what position Ana is allowed to sleep in (!). Ana rolls her eyes in the dark, meaning that I win the bet and get to keep my powers of snark. *phew*

Grey whisper-commands her to sleep and, “in the comfort and solace of his arms” Ana falls into a peaceful sleep.

Because his arms are all comfort and solace now and we’re totally going to forget the last half of this chapter was all about how unhappy Grey is making Ana.

Cool.

Murmur Count – 8
Whisper Count – 11

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana hangs out with other people and Grey doesn’t like it one in bit in  Chapter 17.