Previously: Sunnydale had a zoo. LOL.
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Angel
Kirsti: We start with the Master moping to Darla about how Buffy kills all his minions, and WAH. The Annointed says that he’d kill her right back. Darla asks if she can do it, but the Master says he’ll send The Three. Cut to the Bronze, where they’re holding a fumigation party: bring a cockroach to the bar, get a free drink. Oh, Sunnydale. Once again, I AM SO GLAD I DON’T LIVE IN YOU.
Lor: Why the HELL would I want a drink from a place I just spotted a thousandty roaches in? Sorry. This is a little beyond an “Oh Sunnydale” thing for me.
K: Yeah, I’ve never really been clear on why they continue to go to the Bronze either. Full of roaches and vampires? Uh, pass.
Buffy’s all whiny about not having a boyfriend. Life is hard when you’re sixteen and have a secret identity. And then Xander dances like he’s being electrocuted. It bears a striking resemblance to when the Doctor dances at Amy and Rory’s wedding:
Buffy leaves the Bronze, not noticing Angel doing his creepy stalker act from the corner. As she heads for home, she feels someone following her. Cue The Three, who turn out to be huge guys wearing armour. And not body armour. Knights on horseback armour. Buffy, on the other hand, appears to be wearing a lavender coloured leather jacket. Uh, WHUT.
The Three advance, and she’s powerless. Roll credits.
Lor: She’s apparently also powerless against the appeal of high watered pants. But yes, also, big scary vampires.
K: But it’s Angel to the rescue! Between the two of them they fight off the Three well enough to get away and into her house. Angel tells her that it’s okay – the Three can’t get in without an invitation. But oh no! Angel’s hurt. Cue shirtless Angel. Buffy has a little drool session over the tattoo on his back, and then stands FAR too close to him while bandaging his wounds. For an almost complete stranger, that is.
Lor: Also, I can’t imagine that standing so close that you have to lean your head all the way back to look up at him would be an effective way to bandage his open wounds. Just sayin’.
K: Joyce comes home unexpectedly, and is all “who the hell is this older guy in my house?” Buffy comes up with the not particularly convincing lie that he’s her history tutor.
Buffy pretends to show Angel out, but then sneaks him upstairs to her bedroom. They have a little “who’s going to take the bed?” conversation, and then Angel reveals that his family is dead because of vampires, but that it happened a long time ago. The next day at school, Xander’s all “HE SPENT THE NIGHT?!” and then implies that the getting attacked by vampires thing was a seduction plot. Lol. Oh, Xander…
Meanwhile, in the Master’s creepy lair, the Three offer their lives in penance for failing to kill Buffy. The Master gives the Annointed a spiel about taking life being a responsibility. And then Darla gets stake happy and the Three go poof. Okay. Seriously? If you have three super strong vampire warriors on hand, WHY WOULD YOU DO THE SLAYER’S JOB FOR HER? LAME.
Lor: Look, if the vampires are all gonna kill themselves/each other, I’ll be the chosen one. I bet it comes with a great benefits package.
K: Having seen the whole series, I can say “decidedly not.” (Lor: Darn.)
After a short quarterstaff training session (really, Giles? REALLY??), Buffy heads home where Angel’s still lurking in her bedroom. She asks him what he’s done all day, and he says he did some reading. She spots her diary on the desk, and goes on an “OMG, NOOOOOO!” word vomit-a-thon, including “A doesn’t even stand for Angel, for that matter! It stands for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student.” He’s all “DUDE. Chill. Your mum moved your diary when she cleaned. I hid in the closet.” *snort*
They have the obligatory “I’m too old for you,” “I don’t care,” conversation, and then kiss, which is brought to a halt when Angel vamps out. SURPRISE!! (Except that not.)
At school the next day, Buffy fills in the others, and asks Giles if a vampire can ever be a good person. Giles is all, “lol, nope.” Xander advises slaying Angel, and Giles backs him up. Angel goes back to his dingy basement apartment to find Darla there. She does the villain talks forever thing, and reveals that they have a history before suggesting he tell Buffy about “the curse.”
Back in the library, Giles has been checking out the diaries of past Watchers, and says that there are mentions of a vampire named Angelus in Ireland 240 years ago. He rampaged through Europe, and then 80 years ago, moved to America and shunned other vampires and no one knows why. Meanwhile, Darla tells the Master that she has a plan to convince Angel to kill Buffy and come back to the Dark Side. Buffy and Willow talk about boys some more, and Willow says “Hey, it’s neat how he’ll be pretty forever and you’ll get old and die.” Ha. Best friend ever.
With Buffy studying in the library, Darla goes round to her house, and pretends to be her history tutor. Apparently she does the War of Independence stuff. Probably because SHE WAS THERE. Joyce lets her in, and offers to fix her a snack. Darla gets her bite on.
Lor: My poor hypothetical future children’s study buddies are going to be SOL. “Hello Mrs. Lorraine. I’m here to study with…” “NOPE. SORRY. I SAW THAT EPISODE OF BUFFY. GO WAIT IN THE BUSHES OR SOMETHING.”
K: Unless it’s daylight. Then you’ll be fine! Angel’s lurking outside, and hears Joyce scream. Darla throws Joyce to him, and he vamps out. Darla leaves, and Buffy walks in to see vamp Angel standing over her vamp bitten mother. She throws him out the front window. Destruction to the Summers house #1, call to 911 #1.
In the hospital, Joyce says that the doctors say it looks like she cut her neck on a barbeque fork. AHAHAHAHA. Giles turns up, and Joyce is all “Wow, they have dedicated teachers at this school. But it’s kind of weird that he’s here…” True dat.
Outside Joyce’s hospital room, Buffy announces that she’s going to get her Slay on, and stops off at school to pick up a crossbow. Meanwhile, Darla’s persuading Angel to kill Buffy before she kills him. He agrees because he “want[s] it finished.” Obviously, the showdown takes place at the closed-for-fumigation Bronze. Surely it’s filled with bug spray?!?!?! (L: That would’ve been hella handy back when they were fighting the giant bug, yo.) Back at the hospital, Joyce tells Giles that it was Darla who came over, and Giles rushes off to tell Buffy that she’s chasing the wrong person.
At the Bronze, Buffy and Angel trade banter in the dark. Because lights are hard? Seriously. The light switches are literally RIGHT next to Angel. Ridic.
Blah blah, talking, blah blah, Angel killed his own family, blah blah, he killed a gypsy and the elders gave him his soul back, blah blah, eternal suffering over all the people he killed, blah blah, he didn’t bite Joyce. Darla’s all “Ugh, BORED NOW,” and then lisps over her fangs some more. She sounds like Sean Connery. “Angelushhhhh.”
Lor: While I was hip to Angel being a vampire, I had no idea his whole schtick was having all the feelings. WTF? It’s as if someone asked, “okay, if we needed a character who had absolutely all the fun sucked out of him, what would he be?” Oh! Oh! I know! A vampire. WITH A SOUL.
All this to say: don’t hate me but this made me understand all the brooding a little more. I’m giving a little head nod in the general direction of the brooding. I see you. I understand.
K: Oh, the brooding definitely has a point. But he’s still uber-emo. Which I just wrote as ’emu’. Apparently Angel is now an emu. I’m kind of okay with this turn of events!
ANYWAY. Darla’s sporting a couple of guns, which pack far more of a punch than a crossbow. Luckily, like all villains, she’s a terrible shot. Giles, Xander and Willow arrive, and distract Darla so that Buffy can move from the corner where Darla has her pinned down. Darla keeps shooting until Angel stakes her from behind. HURRAH, NO MORE DARLA. Angel does his mysterious “disappear into the night” act again, and the Master throws a hissy fit and breaks a bunch of stuff.
Back at the Bronze, it’s time for the post-fumigation party. Buffy’s all “I feel like Angel’s still watching me” (but in a protective way, not a creepy way), and Willow’s all “Uh, DUH. He’s right over there.” Angel and Buffy both list the reasons why they can never work as a couple, and then do some serious face nomming, which leaves Angel with a crucifix mark burnt into his chest from the necklace he gave her when they first met. I still can’t decide if this is “aww” or “ew” worthy…
Lor: I cover Fifty Shades of Grey, so don’t look at me. As long as no one is sharing toothbrushes, I’m pretty much okay.
Next time of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A demon possess the Internet. We wish we were joking about S01 E08 – I Robot… You Jane.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
