Previously: Before leaving to Georgia, Grey and Ana have sex on his desk and one can only hope he disinfected afterwards. At the airport, Ana learns that Grey has upgraded her to first class. Grey is all about keeping it classy.
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Lorraine: Ana is bragging about having had a manicure, a massage and two glasses of champagne in the first class lounge. That seems like a lot to get done in a pre-boarding amount of time, but I might as well follow Ana’s example and drown all rational thinking in alcohol.
Sweeney: Also, I know that it’s getting exhausting to list all the things E. L. James has clearly no knowledge of, but as I come from a family of frequent flyers, I have been in many of the “fancy” lounges, and while they hook you up with some decent free food and drinks, and the general ambiance of being better than everyone else, Ana has described a full-fledged spa experience. So for the first of many times this post: I call bullshit.
Lor: Ana opens up her Macbook “hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet.” Because she’s now less in Seattle than she was before? Because she’s inside of a building? Because E.L. James can’t just say, “I pulled out my Macbook?” You decide.
Ana writes an email to Grey about her upgraded ticket.
“What really alarms me is how you knew which flight I was on.
Your stalking knows no bounds. Let’s hope that Dr. Flynn is back from vacation.
I have had a manicure, a back massage and two glasses of champagne – a very nice start to my vacation.
Thank you.”
I cannot wrap my head around the fact that an email that has “your stalking knows no bounds” also includes the phrase, “thank you.” Because it’s super cute when your boyfriend stalks you! Let’s joke about it and throw in an extra joke about his therapy sessions for good measure, weeeeeeee!
Also, I kept going back and forth on how creepy and stalker-y it was of Grey to find her flight and somehow upgrade it, but that internal argument just ended with tears and the realization that this is what my life has become.
Grey writes back and asks who, exactly, was massaging her back. Oh, you know, a very nice man who happened to be walking by and overheard her say she could use a massage. Wait. No. A FUCKING MASSEUSE YOU IDIOT.
Sweeney: Not that’s I’d really put it past Ana to allow herself to be felt up by a strange man in the airport who swears to be a masseuse. Also, if he’s male and in this story, he’d want her, so that theory would be fully plausible here.
Lor: Yeah, well, she mentions that the dude was probably gay, though she withholds this information, seeing this as a prime opportunity to make Grey angry. Because she’s 13 years old. She decides to write her response on the plane though, because it’s safer. I mean, not safer for all those unsuspecting passengers who’d rather not have their avionics messed with. But safer for her.
Once in first class, Ana replies to the email and tells Grey that a “very pleasant young man” massaged her back, and really, it was all thanks to Grey upgrading her. Ana thinks, “oh, he’s going to flip out – and I shall be airborne and out of reach.” And she’s apparently never going to land so this is a brilliant plan and also a lovely, romantic thought to have about your boyfriend.
The flight attendant comes by and tells her to shut off her laptop so now Ana’s upset because she won’t be able to see Grey’s response. The rest of the cabin fills up, except the seat next to Ana. She begins to worry that Grey will show up on her flight. Then the plane starts to taxi and Ana’s all, “phew! He isn’t coming. Wait. He isn’t coming. I’m sad.” Because Ana doesn’t know what she wants at all in life, ever.
Ana decides to further disregard the rules of safe air travel and check her Blackberry. She finds an email from Grey:
“I know what you’re trying to do -and trust me- you’ve succeeded. Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate. Believe me when I say that attending to you in that state will give me so much more pleasure than merely upgrading your ticket.”
She’s totally shocked even though her sole purpose was to make him angry. She explains that the problem with Grey’s “humor” is that she never knows if he’s joking or seriously angry.
It’s time for a general life rule: If your significant other mentions putting you in a crate in the cargo hold of a plane, AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY, it might be time to reconsider your relationship.
Trust me on this one. I’m sure about it.
Ana writes back and says that if he’s serious, she’ll stay in Georgia because crates are a hard limit. Grey responds with, “uh, why are you emailing you idiot?” and Ana puts her phone away. She takes out a copy of Tess of the d’Urbevilles, for some “light reading” she says. I hate Ana.
Sweeney: What’s not to love about morons who are under the deluded notion that they are absolutely brilliant? My favorite kind of people.
Lor: During a layover in Atlanta, Ana decides to write Grey a long, rambly email. Hooray. In it, she tells him again how much she dislikes when he spends money on her, because it makes her feel like he’s paying her for sex. She goes on to say that he scares her and immediately joins that thought to the confession that she’s “considering a lifestyle with [Grey] that [she] didn’t even know existed until last Saturday week.”
It’s great that through all the things wrong with those few lines, I’m most offended by “last Saturday week.” WTF?
Sweeney: +1! I’ve only just started and I’ve already reached a point of resignation with most of Ana’s general FAIL, but writing choices like that are the, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, E. L. JAMES?” moments.
Lor: Ana says that comments like the crate one make her want to “run screaming for the hills” but she won’t really run though, ’cause she’d miss him.
Anyhow, she goes on to say that she’s not a natural submissive, and she’s willing to try, but she’s afraid that she’ll suck at it and end up black and blue. She’s happy he’s trying for more, but she just needs the time away to figure out what that meant to her, because he’s “dazzling” and makes it hard for her to think.
Sweeney: Favorite gif ever. A+
Lor: From Sweeney’s personal gif collection, y’all. Feel honored.
Finally, we’re in Savannah. Ana starts crying as soon as she sees her mom and Bob and it kind of freaks them out.
Ana goes with her mom to the beach. There, they talk a little bit about men.
“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say… If I were you, I’d take him literally.”
Ana thinks this is great because Grey has said that he doesn’t want to lose her and that she’s bewitched and beguiled her. That is amazingly selective memory because he’s also said things along the lines of “I will find you,” “I will track your cell phone,” and “I’d put you in a cargo hold.” So, you know. Pros and cons to taking him literally.
Sweeney: I’m almost impressed by that selectivity, since this serious-or-not-serious/literal-or-figurative question just came up in the last couple pages about the whole bound and gagged in a cargo hold business, which he not only said he’d do, but reiterated when she asked if he was serious. SO OK COOL.
Lor: But anyways, Ana likes this advice.
“I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.”
LOL. I… I’m not… Never mind. Just never mind.
Later that day, Ana’s at the house alone and decides to check her email.
Grey’s newest email says that, firstly, he’s annoyed that she’s only ever open and honest when they aren’t together. Secondly, he’s rich and she should deal with it. He’s not sure how to make her feel like less of a whore. He says he works hard so he can spend money how he wants. “For such a bright, witty, beautiful young woman you have some real self-esteem issues,” he says, and really, just holy shit.
Because it’s easy to point and laugh when you consider FSoG to be completely un-self aware. When you get statements like that, that acknowledge the fact that this protagonist has these crippling issues, IT’S RAGE INDUCING. Throw in the fact that he’s telling us -AGAIN- that Ana is witty and bright and yet we still have NO evidence of that, and I just want to destroy everything, but mostly this book.
Sweeney: I just choose not to read these statements about the mythical smart girl in these books. I just assume that she is a ghost — an additional character dangled in front of us to give us hope that maybe it’ll get better when the smart ghost shows up, but she totally never will so it’s best to ignore her.
Lor: Grey apologizes for scaring her with the crate comment. He finds the idea of scaring her “abhorrent,” but he sure does try to scare her a lot. He also says that he would never let her travel in the hold, not really because he thinks those would be terrible conditions for a human, more because “crates do nothing for [him].”
I feel like I could probably find a group of people who get off on crates. But “sparkling Edward Cullen” was today’s questionable Google search of the day. I can only handle so much.
Sweeney: On behalf of the internet: we thank you for your sacrifices, especially as they have grown so numerous.
Lor: *breaks down crying*
Grey goes on to retcon this entire book and say that Ana has all the power; that if she says no, he listens to her because submissives are really the people in control. I’d list all the times Ana has said, “no” and Grey’s been all “LOL. YES.” but just go check out chapters one through all of them.
There’s more bullshit about Ana being exemplary in the Playroom and them just needing to figure out what happens outside of it.
Ana is impressed by the length and content of the email. She has the power! She’s so excited! She’s so easily convinced! She’s so naive.
She realizes that she misses him like crazy, even though it’s only been 24 hours, and that she loves him and his zany stalker tendencies like woah.
Sweeney: And once again her internal monologue sounds alarmingly similar to a thirteen-year-old. It doesn’t feel like much of a stretch to assume Grey’s got a little Humbert Humbert thing going on there and Ana’s just the legal alternative.
Lor: We cut to Ana’s mom waking her up from a nap. She spots the Macbook and starts asking for questions about Grey. Crap! Ana thinks. Mom asks if he’s emailed and Ana thinks double crap! Mom asks what he emails about and Ana thinks triple crap! We better end this scene soon before we have a shit or bust situation on our hands.
Mom leaves and Ana starts dressing for dinner. She stops to email Grey AGAIN. GOD IS THIS TRIP OVER YET?
She says she liked his email, is going to dinner, is rolling her eyes. Grey blah blah blahs about his own eye-rolling habit. Ana wonders who spanks him when he eye rolls and she remembers Mrs. Robinson (MRS. RAPE.) Ana is distraught over the thought of Grey being beat by someone as old as her mother. No mention of the fact that he was 15 at the time, though, so we’re still not fully understanding the concept of statutory rape. Maybe one day.
It’s time for dinner so Ana shoots a “gotta go. Laters, baby,” email and leaves. Dinner happens offscreen and we only get a brief, “mom is happy!” recap before it’s time to return to the emails. Yaaaaaaaay.
Grey has responded with an email that has the subject, “plagiarism.” Oh, quadruple crap, guys.
He accuses Ana of stealing his “laters baby.” Ana responds and her subject is, “who are you to cry thief?” She says that the line was Elliot’s first. Grey says, “Elliot’s not very original. He’ll have stolen that line from someone.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FEEL LIKE I’M FALLING DOWN A FANFICTION BLACK HOLE.
It only gets worse when Ana accuses Grey of playing with a Thesaurus. WHY IS E.L. DOING THIS TO ME?
Sweeney: Also, one of Ana’s emails contains the sentence, “I would never be unwittingly obtuse,” which calls for another dictionary break on the word “unwittingly.”
Lor: It almost fools you into thinking that it makes sense. What she means to say is “I would never be purposefully obtuse.” What she says is, “I would never be obtuse without purpose or intention.”
LOL.
Anyways, Grey says he’s about to have dinner with an old friend and has to go. Ana finds this suspect, of course, seeing as how Grey doesn’t have any friends. But there is… MRS. RAPE! Ana finally calls her a child molester, which is refreshing.
Ana starts getting really curious about Mrs. Rape, so she decides to Google-image Grey. The only woman he’s pictured with is Ana. She’s impressed she’s “on Google.” I don’t think she gets how Google works.
Ana decides to email Grey and out-rightly ask if he was at dinner with Mrs. Robinson.
Sweeney: Sort of. She has to make it all postscript, like it was some sort of afterthought, rather than the actual reason for her sending that email.
Lor: Another very thirteen-year-old thing to do. “So, uh, yeah by the way…”
The next day, Ana and her mom go to a bar. They are downing Cosmopolitans and discussing men because alcohol and men are the only two things that matter in this world. Mom can tell something is off with this whole relationship thing. Ana says Grey overwhelms her, but she misses him. Mom’s all, “yeah. I have to go to the bathroom now.”
Ana takes this opportunity to… CHECK HER EMAILS SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS.
Grey’s confirmed that he was having dinner with Mrs. Rape because she’s an old friend. Ana’s pissed. She’s gone for two days and he has dinner with this woman. She emails back asking if Mrs. Robinson has found any new adolescent boys to royally fuck up. She’s so angry, she orders another drink. JUST KIDDING. She orders another drink because it’s a day that ends in day.
Sweeney: She feels the need to inform us that the waiter “understands the universal language of ‘same again, please.’” Because people who know how to do their jobs are fascinating when you are so incompetent.
Lor: Grey emails back that he doesn’t want to discuss the present subject over email. He adds, “How many cosmopolitans are you going to drink?”
“Holy fuck,” Ana thinks. “He’s here.”
QUINTUPLE FUCKING CRAP GUYS. OF COURSE HE IS.
Murmur Count – 1
Whisper Count – 0
Favorite comment last post: I’m gonna to have to paraphrase the immortal Chandler Bing here: “Hannibal Lecter? Better Romantic Interest than Christian Grey!”
Like sure, he’d kill and eat you. But at least he’d be a gentleman about it. And you’d have intelligent, witty conversation beforehand. And a whole lot less psychological fuckery.
Yo EL. When your hero is more repellant than a sociopathic serial killing cannibal, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. — Strawberry Pocky Moose
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
