Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E04 – Putting plot holes in your plot holes.

Previously: Spike came to town and killed the Onesie. Some other stuff might have happened, but mostly, Spike came to town.
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Inca Mummy Girl

Sweeney: I started grumbling to my sister about this episode while we waited for Netflix to load it. “Really, this episode?” So we had a good laugh when it begins with Buffy lamenting to Willow and Xander, “This is so unfair.”

I feel you, girl.

In her case, she’s all pissed because they’re hosting a foreign exchange student for two weeks and blah blah blah, get over it. We’ve hosted a bunch of exchange students, and it’s usually awesome. Except for the fact that she is Buffy and this is the Hellmouth and yeah, this episode unsurprisingly puts a downer on that whole FES situation.

They go on a field trip to a museum that day, as per the contrivance of all of our main characters apparently being in the same classes or something. Field trips are good ways to introduce exotic new demons that are not native to the Hellmouth. Demon imports, if you will.

Lor: Foreign exchange demons, if I might.

Sweeney: A+

Cordelia gushes over super hot exchange students and uses the word “lunchable,” which disturbs me for reasons I can’t explain.

Lor: Uh:

K: When I limited a search for Lunchables to pages from Australia, I got links to eBay auctions where people are selling limited edition Lunchables from NINETEEN NINETY NINE. I’m not sure what this says about my country, but EW…

Sweeney: You Australians are creepy. It’s because you’re upside down. Blood rushing to the head and all that.

Short of Facebook-friending them, we have never received a photo of our students prior to their arrival. Also, every organization out there pushes the “this is your sibling” vibe, so this whole pop culture thing of people getting with their foreign exchange students is ultra weird and creepy.

A forgettable delinquent, appropriately named Rodney Munson, is picking at some mask. He even makes a Herman Munster-esque grunting noise. Buffy goes to stop him, but Willow intervenes because “the non-violent approach is probably better.” Buffy gets a little offended by this. None of this really has anything to do with anything.

K: My inner museum curator starts crying when Rodney turns up and basically doesn’t stop until the end of the episode.

Sweeney: Willow informs him that he could get in trouble for that and asks if they are still on for their chemistry tutor session, which he has a Claudia-Kishi-esque-misguided-confidence about.

Then the class goes to look at this Incan Mummy, and I am annoyed by their lack of interest. Don’t you guys know that you’re in a television show, where every paranormal weirdness you encounter is going to be your demon of the episode? Haven’t you gotten that memo? Wasn’t it in the Codex?

No? All right, fine.

Tour guide tells them that the mummy princess is protected by some sort of curse thing, and after the gang makes a few quick jokes about the lack of happily ever after, they stand around the mummy discussing Buffy’s FES. Specifically, his name and the fact that Buffy will be picking him up from the bus station.

Just so we are clear: this exchange program sends teenagers to a foreign country where they hop on Greyhound buses to Sunnydale and are picked up by other teenagers? There are no adults whatsoever involved in facilitating all of this? They don’t check-in with anyone and aren’t expected to at least, you know, call their parents? Sure. Sounds totally legit. Also, why so many students from all over the world (rather than a single class or something like that) descending on Sunnydale for just two weeks? Seems like a really odd time frame.

There are seriously about nine thousand holes in this particular bit of contrivance and I’m trying to get this out of the way now and move on, even though it’s going to annoy the shit out of me for the rest of the episode.

Lor: You can have more holes in your contrivance when it’s imaginary contrivance like, I don’t know, an old vampire stuck underground in a church-y lair. Viewers have nothing to compare that against so they are more likely to accept whateverthefuck. Foreign exchange student? C’MON. Do a little research, guys.

Read: I feel your pain.

Sweeney: Rodney Munson goes off to be his total delinquent self and steal shit from the mummy, because there is a disturbing and unrealistic lack of security up in this business. No glass or anything? Just all out in the open and stuff? I can just reach out and touch the mummy, save for the airtight security of a menacing tour guide to give me a stern look? Except not even that, because there is literally nobody around while all this precious old shit is lying around, uncovered? WHAT IS THIS EPISODE?

K: After sitting through about five hundred meetings about security in museum galleries and how you have to make sure people can’t hurt themselves/the objects through stupidity, I’m just gonna say this: The Sunnydale Museum is gonna get sued like whoa. 

Sweeney: I hope so.

As Rodney tries to steal the plate thing from the mummy he breaks it.  He is tries to ditch it and run, but TOO LATE because the mummy comes to life and chokes him to death. Rough break. The name Rodney Munson kind of doomed you from the start. Just like some names doom girls to becoming strippers, so too does a name like that doom fictional characters to early death. Fictional parents should name their children better.

Lor: Also: creepy mummy with empty eye sockets. YICK.

Sweeney: The next day in the library, Buffy is training with Giles and trying to get him to agree to let her go to the dance. Did I mention that there is a dance? Childhood Trauma loves dances. It’s for the foreign exchange students and it’s a big cultural costume party deal. Anyway, Giles is anti-dance; he points out that it will be hard enough to hide Buffy’s secret identity with a foreign exchange student living in her house, and that’s where he loses the round because Buffy points out that this is all the more reason for her to go to the dance like a normal girl.

Buffy and Xander then start talking about going together as a buddy trio. Buffy says she thought he was going with Willow, but that is pretty much why he wants Buffy there — to keep it out of date territory. He goes off about how he loves Willow as a friend and can’t think of her that way. Naturally, Willow walks into the library and overhears this whole conversation and it’s sad and awkward. Also, Willow should probably stop wearing overalls. This is never going to be a hot look.

Lor: My notes while watching: must mention full length overalls. A+ Sweeney. A+.

Sweeney: Fortunately, Willow recovers quickly and pretends she heard nothing. She came to the library to tell them that Rodney is missing and they make jokes that maybe the mummy came to life and attacked him LOLFOREVER.

Then there is a big awkward silence as they have their, “Oh wait, HELLMOUTH!” moment. Apparently they did get that demon-of-the-week memo and/or it was in the Codex, because they decided to skip the whole library thing and head straight to the museum.

As they investigate, they are attacked by a creepy knife-wielding man (who, as an aside, will also be in the Twilight movies, only instead of being a badass knife-wielding dude, he’ll be wheelchair-bound — a fitting symbol of the overall downgrade from Buffy to Twilight (K: +1)). Knife-wielding man takes one look at the mummy and flees. Xander is convinced that he is responsible for this.

Willow notices that the mummy has braces, and so it must be Rodney, instead of the actual mummy. Naturally. Whatever. Willow is the only one to notice that the Knife Man was freaked out by Rodney Mummy too.

Now it’s time to return to the library and try to figure shit out. Then Buffy has to go to the bus station to pick up her FES, where she is supremely late. We see him arriving and getting death-kissed by the mummy, thanks to the trio’s conversation at the museum. He dies and Mummy Princess lives. Buffy arrives, accepts on faith that the girl is the supposed FES, because she looks Hispanic and answers to the right name. That’s all it takes, really.

Since it’s a super hot girl instead of a guy, Xander makes a bunch of painfully stupid Spanglish jokes.

Lor: Yeah, thanks BtVS. Keeping up the Childhood Trauma tradition of celebrating stereotypes. We seriously get “Doritos,” “chihuahua” and “hay caramba” said in this scene. Like, seriously, seriously.

K: Sunnydale High – failing at Languages Other Than English since 1997.

Sweeney: Willow, not liking Xander’s drooling, asks about the fact that the FES is a girl and not a boy, but there’s not a whole lot you can pursue in that line of conversation. Again, I’d like to remind everyone about the lack of adults involved in this Epic Contrivance situation. Negligent Parenting Factor in this episode? Off the charts high.

Back at the house they chat up the Mummy Princess FES. (Of course, Joyce is nowhere to be found, as a foreign teenager shows up at her home late at night. NBD.) They ask if she has been to America. She says that she “toured” the country and “was taken to” a number of major US cities, linguistic choices made for our notice. Willow asks her how New York was and she says that she “didn’t see much.” Xander compliments her English and they laugh both laugh stupidly for a little too long. “I’m going to kill you next, ha ha ha,” jokes my sister. Word.

As the girls get ready for bed, Buffy asks her about home and FES says that it is “cramped and dead” there and when asked about friends it is “just me,” one of many cryptic references to her mummy life. She says she just wants a “normal life,” just like Buffy, which makes Buffy go all, “LOL, RIGHT.”

“One normal life, coming up.”

Creepy knife-wielding dude from the museum is chilling outside her window being his creepy stalker self.

At school Cordelia is ordering around some band lead singer guy. After she walks off, he goes to talk about her with his bro SETH GREEN, which reminds me that at least this episode has that redeeming factor. I still feel a little cheated since Kirsti got Spike, but the introduction of Oz is epic in its own right. He doesn’t do much in this episode, though. We just know that he’s super cool because he’s the lead guitarist and could have ANY GIRL, but he’s not into Cordelia-types, which is apparently strange? Basically, Oz is Awesome High School Boy because he’s in a band and likes girls who have substance.

Lor: But… but… he’s Seth Green. He’s Seth Green. I am confused.

Sweeney: YEP. Also:

K: My undying love of Oz is almost as strong as my undying love of Spike. So, despite the hideous goatee he sports in his first appearance, I’m gonna have to do this: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, OZ!!!!!!!!!

Sweeney: Anyway, Buffy takes the Mummy Princess straight to the library, because Giles wants to ask the FES to try to translate the inscription on the plate, because everyone from South America can read Swedish can translate Incan relics.  The crew is super good at coming up with a contrivancey explanation for this request, because they do this kind of shit often. It’s for Archaeology Club! These guys should write children’s books; I bet there’s a Scholastic contract waiting for you.

K: As the owner of an archaeology degree, *facepalm*.

Sweeney: Mummy Princess says the legend has it that the mummy has a bodyguard who protects her from those who would disturb her. Buffy runs with this Archaeology Club thing as a means of explaining while she’ll be MIA: she’s super-busy being club president. Xander offers to take care of Mummy Princess for the day and Willow mournfully watches them scurry off. This episode has a whole lot of sulking-over-Xander!Willow, which has a purpose, but is still kind of frustrating to watch, because that’s my least favorite kind of Willow.

Xander and Mummy Princess flirt because he can only pick up girls who have been living in boxes for an eternity. Or are insects. They eat twinkies and it’s all adorable, except for the whole fact of me wanting this episode to end quickly and it not doing that.

Lor: And them stuffing phallic, cream filled snack foods whole in their mouth? Uh, whut?

 

Sweeney: Back in research central, Willow’s woe-is-me is briefly kind of adorable, because she’s decided that she can either wait for Xander to date every girl ever before he notices her, or she can just get over it. Buffy congratulates her on her maturity, but she tells Buffy that she hasn’t made a choice yet.

They get enough of the plate put together to decipher that the mummy can feed on the life of people, confirming that the mummy probably killed Rodney. This means that they still need to figure out how to find and stop the mummy.

Knife Man shows up on the bleachers and interrupts Xander and Mummy Princess. He attacks Xander, saying that he stole the seal. He realizes that the girl is the Mummy Princess, and again runs off.

In the library, Mummy Princess tells them they should destroy the plate and then freaks out. Xander starts to reveal the secret, telling her that they are not an Archaeology Club, but when Giles gives a warning-throat-clear he recovers with “Crime Club!” Actually, kind of accurate? Demon Crime Club?

Mummy Princess freaks out and leaves. Xander goes after her, and she tells him that their investigation is dangerous and she just wants a normal life. Willow goes out to see what’s going on and Xander says he’s trying (and failing) to convince her that their lives aren’t all DANGER!

Willow continues to be an epic class act and tells Xander that he should take her to the dance, just them. Xander shows zero deference for what a class move that was, with his GREAT IDEA, THANKS BESTIE! Reaction.  I don’t remember hating Xander this much before, but I really do want to vote him off the island. (Lor: +1 K: Cosign.)

Xander asks Mummy Princess to the dance. His nervousness is kind of precious. I resolve to try to stop hating him on Willow’s behalf, since things will turn around for her soon. (Lor: Uh, -1. I don’t know what’s gonna happen and he’s still annoying.)

Buffy and Giles conclude that the best thing to do is go to the museum for the remaining pieces of the plate. They’ll have to meet there after the dance, which means no dance for Buffy. No normal girl time after all.

Mummy Princess goes into the girls bathroom and runs into Knife Man. She begs him not to kill her and he points out that she’s already dead. “I was innocent,” she says. He gives her a line we’ve heard a few times before: “You are the chosen one.” She begs him to leave her alone because she is in love. He tells her that she has no choice and she’s all BITCH, PLEASE and does her kiss of death thing, before walking out of the bathroom and telling Xander that she’ll totes go to the dance with him.

Lor: Look at all the parallels you guys! If we think about how Buffy just wants a normal life and no more danger and is the chosen one, this episode is telling us that Buffy… is basically a mummified princess. Wait. I think I got that wrong.

Sweeney: Back at the house, Buffy has other bags for the Mummy Princess FES, sent over by the station. The bus station sent over bags? For reals? Sorry, I need to stop trying to point out all the ways this “plot” is poorly handled, because the list is too long.

Buffy offers Mummy Princess her makeup for the dance, and starts unpacking the stuff and finds boxers, which briefly reminds her that her FES was supposed to be male.

After Buffy lends Mummy Princess some lipstick, MP says that Buffy reminds her of the Inca Princess (aka, herself) because she’s always thinking of others first. She tells Buffy the story of the Incan Princess and how she was a Chosen One among her people. Even though she was sixteen like them, she was forced to become a sort of human sacrifice. Yep, loaning lipstick is pretty much on a par with being killed off by your people for the greater good.

Obviously, the Chosen One stuff hits home for Buffy, particularly as Mummy Princess is getting ready to go to a dance that B can’t go to. This puts Buffy into a bit of a funk, making her extra oblivious. She starts to open a trunk, which we see contains a corpse, but the bell rings and it is Xander there to pick up his date. She informs Xander that it really will be just him and the Mummy Princess because she’ll be out with Giles.

K: I feel the need to add in that Buffy is now wearing her Overalls of Sadness. Get used to them, guys. They’ll make regular reappearances for a while, and they never get any more flattering. 

Sweeney: But that’s so appropriate. She stops wearing fetus clothing to demonstrate her sadness.

Joyce gushes over how quickly FES was able to fit in here, probably just to piss me off.

At the dance, Willow gets a millionty more awesome points by forgoing the slutoween costumes popular at this dance, in favor of an Eskimo costume. Also her costume has a giant spear thing. She has a weapon. She’s prepared. A+

Xander continues to annoy me when he and Mummy Princess run into Willow at the dance. MP tells Willow her costume is really authentic and Xander can only say that she looks “snug.” Ass.

Giles shows up at Buffy’s house to tell her that they found the bodyguard all mummified. Given that it was only the braces that gave away Rodney, I have no idea how Giles knew that this mummy was the bodyguard, but whatever.

Lor: Joyce says, “oh hey Buffy’s librarian! WTF are you doing in my house at night time talking about mummies?!”

JUST KIDDING. THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN. Carry on.

Sweeney: The translation was wrong and the guard is meant to keep the mummy from waking — protect us from her not her from us. They both agree that Mummy Princess probably knowingly translated wrong, and Buffy points out that Mummy Princess was weird about the plate from the start. B remembers the weirdness with her stuff. They go upstairs to check her shit, and this time she opens the mummy trunk.

“What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse and doesn’t even pack lipstick?”

It’s clearly the lipstick that gave you away, MP.

Back at the dance, Xander and Mummy Princess FES are dancing and on the verge of kiss-o-death. On stage, Seth Green asks the lead-singer, in the middle of a song, about “that girl.” The singer thinks he’s asking about Mummy Princess, but Oz is all, “No, the eskimo!” Presh. I love you, Oz.

K: Everyone loves Oz. 

Sweeney: Buffy and Giles are going to the dance, and Buffy is grumbling about Giles having a painfully slow, shitty vehicle. Apparently the Watcher and Librarian gigs do not pay well. (L: SORRY K! K: I bet that’s because Snyder makes Giles pay for all the damage to the Wiggins Library out of his salary.) While they are on their way, they realize that since MP wanted them to destroy the plate, and since breaking it freed her, putting it back together is probably the way to trap her again. Giles takes Buffy to the dance to get Willow and Xander, and goes to the museum to put the plate back together.

Mummy Princess’s hand is starting to re-mummify while she is dancing with Xander, so she runs off. Xander goes after her, though very slowly, it seems, because he can’t find her. He runs into Willow and asks if she knows where Mummy Princess is, but can’t tell that Willow shrugs, because of the size of her costume. “Next time you should probably say shrug,” he says and walks off. Willow then adorably says, “Sigh,” and I continue to want to hug her.

Lor: And punch Xander in the face.

K: I was going to go with punching Xander in the groin, but your way works too, Lor! 

Sweeney: Mummy Princess lures a rando-kid into a dark corner of the dance. He seems pretty forgettable, but since he actually does come back, it’s worth pointing out that his name is Jonathan. Fortunately for Jonathan, but unfortunately for us, because I could easily do without much of his continued existence, Xander appears just in time and he scurries off before Xander sees that Mummy Princess was about to kiss him. She gets really sad and says that she doesn’t deserve him.

Xander jokes, “I know why you can’t tell me. It’s a secret, right? And if you told me, you’d have to kill me!” Yep. Mummy Princess starts crying. Being in love with Xander isn’t enough to keep her from deciding to kiss him. It starts to go all life-sucking, until she stops herself. She apologizes and then seems to sense that the seal is being put back together or something, because she stops trying to console Xander and just says, “The seal,” and runs off.

Buffy finds Willow and tells her that the FES is the Mummy, to which Willow says, “Oh. Good,” before remembering that this means Xander has once again fallen for a girl who puts him in mortal danger. Oz is about to go talk to Willow just as they dash off to find Xander. He tells them that MP’s already gone, and they realize that she’s probably going to destroy the seal, at the museum, where Giles is.

Mummy Princess arrives just as Giles is most of the way done, and then MP smashes the plate, like that bitch that ruins the thousand piece puzzle when you are just a few pieces away from the end. Rude.

MP starts to choke Giles, just as B runs up. They fight, but ultimately Buffy ends up knocked out in the concrete coffin thing. Willow arrives next, and MP is about to take her. She tells Xander that she needs to kill Willow now in order for her to live and for them to be together. Xander tells her that she’s going to have to take his life if she wants to live, and she hesitates, but ultimately concludes that she can make that choice. Which, you know, duh.

Buffy breaks out of her coffin thing just in time. Or, sort of, because MP was already starting to re-mummify. Buffy rips her off Xander and her arms come lose in the process. It’s gross.

Lor: Also, with all the mummy and seal pieces scattered around the floor, that un-securitied museum is going to be PISSED in the morning.

Sweeney: At school the next day, Xander is all sulky and Buffy tries to stick up for MP, pointing out that being sentenced to die at sixteen for no actual reason kind of sucks. Xander then reminds her that Buffy ultimately did choose to do the selfless thing and give up life, instead of, you know, sucking the souls of randos, like our Mummy Princess. So the lesson of the episode is basically that Buffy is a great person.

 

 Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: In Sunnydale’s continued effort to demonize everything ever, we meet a demon worshiping fraternity. Also, Angel gets to do stuff besides honing his excellent brooding skills. Find out what exactly in S02 E05 – Reptile Boy.