Dawson’s Creek S01 E01 – PUBERTY.

Welcome to Back to School week on SnarkSquad.com. We’ll be recapping the pilot episodes of a few high-school-themed shows- ones that teach us super valuable life lessons.

 

Lorraine: We’re starting each of these recaps with a little “me and the show” history. In my brain, I started watching Dawson’s Creek on a summer break when I was super young and impressionable. The Internet, however, has ruined this for me by telling me that TBS was running four hour blocks of Dawson’s in 2003, meaning I was 17.

Weird.

Sweeney: I think we need to break out the awkward turtle gif again.

Lor: Fair. I awkward turtled you, you awkward turtled me. We’re even.

I spent 8am-12pm on weekdays of that summer break following the adventures of Dawson, Joey, Pacey and Jen. I eventually lost interest, at around the start of season five, because JOEYANDPACEY4EVA.

Sweeney: These back stories seem to be two parts embarrassing pop culture knowledge and one part “We have no follow-through.”

Lor: We start episode one with a glance at a picturesque sunset over a body of water. Then, fade to a stately house at night, with the sound of sloshing water in the background, because you know, creek. Inside Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) and Dawson Leery (James Van der Beek) are in bed watching the end of E.T. Joey’s all, “I’ll be right heeere” before she asks Dawson if the movie won an Oscar. “Ghandi” Dawson replies. “Spielberg was robbed.” Dialogue that sets-up Dawson as a super movie lover over, he switches off the movie and turns on the news where a lady with some wicked poofy hair is, um, anchoring. Dawson and Joey appropriately make fun of The Hair. “She likes big hair,” Dawson says. “It must weigh a lot,” Joey snarks. “How does she walk upright?”

As this conversation is happening, Joey is putting her shoes on. Dawson wants to know where she is going and she answers, “home.” Joey doesn’t think it’s a good idea to spend the night because even though they’ve been sleeping in the same bed since they were seven, they’re 15 now. They’ve “evolved.” Joey has breasts and Dawson has genitalia.

While I appreciate Joey’s concern, there was a way to have this conversation in the most awkward way possible, and she found it. When Dawson says he’s always had genitalia, Joey awkwards that there is now more of it. “How do you know,” Dawson cheese-balls. “Long fingers,” Joey says. The better to be lonely on a Saturday night with, my dear.

Joey tries to leave but Dawson asks for further clarification. Joey says that their “emerging hormones” are problematic and she’s “trying to limit the fallout.” Dawson: Your emerging hormones aren’t developing a thang for me, are they?

Now’s a good time to mention that Dawson annoys the piss out of me.

Sweeney: +1. I only saw the first season of this show for approximately that reason. The ’90s high school shows seemed to require an insufferable so-called nice guy who actually just sucks at life.

Lor: Joey denies having such a thang but by her many protestations, the viewer at home can deduce that Joey’s thought a little too much about Dawson’s long fingers. Dawson says their friendship transcends any “mounting sexual theoretics.”  He teases her for being such a girl, so Joey hops on the bed and they have a mounting sexual theoretics tickle match, ending with Dawson pinning her down. “We’re friends okay,” Dawson concludes. “No matter how much body hair we acquire.”

Re-watching this show reminds me of that one summer I read every Judy Blume book ever, including Are You There God? It’s Me Margret. I re-read that book, not too many years later, and I have never, ever, ever felt so much second-hand embarrassment, ever. And really, this is my way of saying, “any time they want to stop talking about puberty, that’d be great.”

Sweeney: Also, to bring up the mantra of the show’s critics: NO HIGH SCHOOL KIDS SPEAK THIS WAY. The issue isn’t their vocabulary or sentence structure, but there is just no way two teenagers are going to have such an extended chat about puberty. Complete with tickle fest.

Lor: The two awkwardly settle into bed. As the camera pans out, we get a very accurate visual representation of Dawson Leery personality:

After a beat or two, Dawson asks, “Why’d you have to bring this up, anyway?” Fade to credits:

Sweeney: I think we could have just made this week daily theme music posts, because they all just speak to me, you know? THESE SONGS DEMONSTRATE HOW MUCH THESE SHOWS GET ME.

Lor: ‘Cause Idon’twanna wait for my life to be over, ya know?

We see Joey sunning on a dock, and the music gets a little Jaws-esque. A green sea-monster jumps out of the water and pulls her in. Dawson yells “cut” and we see that he is filming. He continues to yell movie-directing nonsense at Pacey (Joshua Jackson), who is in the sea-monster costumer.

It’s all interrupted by a cab pulling up to a nearby house. Everyone watches as Jen (Michelle Williams) emerges from the cab with a sexy saunter and a porno wind just owning her hair and nearly giving us a flash of the vajay. I’m not sure whether to ho suspension her or the wind.

Sweeney: The wind! This has been a week full of new #hosuspension territory!

Lor: Jen comes over for introductions. She says she’s met Dawson before, because she’s the next-door-neighbor’s granddaughter. He comments on her looking different. “Puberty,” Joey says and OMG. WE GET IT. Jen explains that’s she in town to help her Grams with her sickly grandfather. She’ll be going to school with them all. Dawson and Pacey find this agreeable. Joey does not.

Some presumed time later, Pacey asks Dawson, “think she’s a virgin? Wanna nail her?” Dawson brushes him off and Pacey continues, “greater men would be nailing her right now.” He gets better, right? Pacey isn’t always this gross, right? (I mean personality wise because there is that one season Pacey gets fat and has weird acne.)

Sweeney: Undoubtedly a much harder time was had by the viewing audience than Joshua Jackson.

Lor: The boys rush inside where Dawson’s mom and dad are macking on a wicker coffee table. The noises they are making are really disconcerting. It’s as if the director said, “pretend you are stuffing your mouth with a really delicious burger!”

Dawson freaks and it’s all awkward parents-boning-is-gross. Pacey compliments The Hair on Mrs. Leery, the news anchor. Thankfully, this scene ends, but not before Mrs. Leery calls Papa Leery “Mr. Man Meat.”

Joey arrives home where her sister’s boyfriend Brody comes out of the house asking her to taste something he is cooking. Also, I should probably mention he’s black. What up minority quota. Joey’s pregnant sister Bessie waddles out of the house and says something about Joey putting the things she borrows back where she found them. Bess says she’s too pregnant to be digging under Joey’s bed and Joey brats that she should stay out of her room then. Bess threatens to punch her, and I approve.

Sweeney: In general this week needed more punching. It’s a good thing we have Buffy tomorrow.

Lor: Over at the video store (LOL.) Dawson and Pacey are working. We get a snippy exchange between Pacey and a blonde girl with poodle-like hair. The entire point is to remind us that Pacey is a big loser nobody. Blonde Poodle finishes her little speech as an older woman wearing a something that looks awfully like a neglige walks into the video store. Pacey smarms. Ew.

Pacey pushes Dawson aside as he flirt-stutters his way through getting Tamara (Ta-MAH-ra) a video. “I’m in the mood for romance.” Anvil. Pacey directs her to the new releases. “Oh, no. I’m vintage all the way.” ANVIL. Pacey tries to direct her to the classics. “Where would I find The Graduate?” HOLYANVILMYGOD. Flirting, etc.

After work, Dawson spots Jen sitting on the dock by herself, so he invites himself to sit with her. Jen talks a little about how her Grams “praying mentality” presents a challenge as she doesn’t do God. The conversation soon turns to movies, though, and the fact that they make Dawson’s panties wet. Jen wants to know what the attraction to movies is about. “I reject reality,” Dawson says and that dear friends is something all the shows we’re recapping this week have in common. (S: A+) Dawson invites Jen up to his “studio.”AKA his room.

The next scene is painful. The only point is that Dawson loves him some Spielberg. So much so that he believes that all the answers to the mysteries of the universe can be found in Spielberg films. I’m pretty sure you just felt your computer screen shake with the pure power of my current eye rolling.

Sweeney: That’s an impressive super power you have there.

Lor: Thank you. It’s no Zach Morris power, but…

Cut to Joey climbing up the ladder she uses to get into Dawson’s room, making Joey the creepy Edward Cullen in this TV show. (S: The fictional popularity of this concept is so troubling.) She hears Jen’s voice and freezes. Thankfully, Grams calls out to Jen from next door, cuing her exit. Joey climbs in the window once the coast is clear and Dawson’s all, “thank God you are here so you can serve my selfish purposes.” He plays a video of his mother’s newscast. It kind of looks like someone took an ice pack, placed it on the top of her head and then covered it in The Hair.

Dawson’s not concerned with The Hair, though. He thinks Gail’s cheating with her co-anchor. Spoiler: she is, but it’s pretty ridiculous that Dawson deduces this because of the way Gail pronounces her “b’s.” Right.

At breakfast, Jen informs Grams that she doesn’t usually eat breakfast and also, that she’s an atheist. One of those is slightly more heartbreaking to Grams and I’ll let you work out which one.

Capeside High School with “Tubthumping” playing in the background. I’m pretty sure “Tubthumping” would be on the 90’s Sitcom Watching Bingo Card. (S: THIS. WE SHALL MAKE THIS.) Montage of students doing student-y things like throwing footballs and Frisbees and wait, WTF. I never spent the first moment of my school days playing Frisbee. Anyone?

Sweeney: Yep. Frisbee and monologuing to the air and all the stuff you see on TV. It’s how I started my days. Certainly not ambling around my house and then school at half of normal speed giving death eyes to any person who crossed my path in the first hour of consciousness. You know how I know I never did that? Because TV high schoolers never do that, and I know they are dedicated to accuracy.

Lor: Inside, we see Jen in front of her locker and the Blonde Poodle approaches. Now I have to tell you her name, because it’s Nellie Oleson- she’s named after a character on Little House on the Prairie. Nellie’s purpose in this scene is to demonstrate the dichotomy of a small town. She mentions Jen’s grandpa still being on the prayer list at church and in the same breath asks if Jen parties. Jen says she likes to have a good time, substance free. “Maybe we should call you Nellie,” Nellie snits before she bounces away.

Sweeney: Living in a small town, I am supposed to call bullshit on their representation of small towns, but I do not. I support it entirely.

Lor: Dawson pops up and shit, that forehead is SCA-RY. He should just announce his presence at all times. “Forehead, coming around the corner!”

Cut to a classroom where the kids are all being ridiculous. In walks Tamara. She very casually greets Pacey with a, “why don’t you call me Mrs. Jacobs during school hours?” She apparently is very unconcerned with the fact that he has seen her in her night shirt.

Jen walks into her biology class where Joey tries to sink down in her chair. According to the Saved by the Bell theme song, if you ride low in your chair, not even teachers will know you are there! Joey soon finds that this is not the case anywhere other than Bayside High, though. Jen spots her, sits next to her, and expresses her joy at having a class together.

Dawson walks into a classroom where the teacher is watching Psycho. He spouts some film knowledge and his self-congratulatory smile makes me want to shin kick him. The teacher guesses that he’ll be in his film class and Dawson explains that actually he was denied admittance to said class. Teacher says that seating is limited and priority goes to upperclassmen. Dawson stamps his feet and pouts. This is the point where the teacher should’ve been all BYE! but instead he asks why Dawson is so adamant. Oh, joy. Look. Another soliloquy about Dawson’s love of film. Yaaaaaay.

The teacher is all, “thanks for helping me waste the viewer at home’s time, but you are still not getting into my class.”

Sweeney: Somewhere there is a writer who deserves to be punched for this scene. Again, this whole week needs more punching.

Lor: Jen tries to ask Joey about her relationship with Dawson. As per usual, Joey word vomits. In about 20 seconds, we learn that Joey’s mom died of cancer, her father is in prison for intending to traffic marijuana in excess of 10,000 pounds, she lives with her sister and her black boyfriend and that Dawson likes Jen. Joey warns Jen not to abuse Dawson’s feelings.

Pacey goes to Tamara’s classroom and flirtily asks her about The Graduate. He then suggests Summer of ’42. Instead of being all, “get out of my classroom creepy jail bait” Tamara leans back in her chair flirtatiously and asks for a film synopsis. “It’s about a beautiful woman who seduces a young boy on the verge of manhood.” I wish I could tell you that this was the last time we hear “young boy on the verge of manhood.” I wish.

Instead of being all, “get your puny manhood out of my classroom!” Tamara says it’s a favorite. She also mentions that she’ll be watching a film at the Realto that night. Flirty times is cut short, though, as students start arriving to class.

Pacey is filling Dawson in on Tamara being his teacher and his intent to stalk her to the theater that night.

Sweeney: Because telling more students about your hypothetical illegal love affair is totally the way to woo her.

Lor: Dawson refuses to come along. Pacey: It is a fact that a large percentage of women are attracted to young boys on the verge of manhood. Groan. Pacey suggests that Dawson invite Jen to the movie. He presumably does.

Joey’s walking down a street when Dawson bikes up shouting, “Hey Joey! I was looking for you so that I could be self-centered again while totally oblivious to your feelings!” And then he asks her to the movie with him, Jen and Pacey. Joey is not happy, but she says yes anyways because you know, doormat.

Jen is telling Grams about the movies and Grams is playing it cool. Jen is surprised, until Grams is all, “have fun! Just as long as you go to church with me on Sunday morning.” SKKRRRRRT. Say wuh? Jen says again that church and God are ewies and Grams counters that considering what happened in New York (dun dun!) church would do her good. “I’ll tell you what Grams,” Jen says. “I’ll go to church when you say the word penis.” Grams startles. Jen kisses her and advises that she lighten up.

Sweeney: Because these things are related? What a sassy little brat.

Lor: Agreed.

At Dawson’s house, the Tenhead is saying goodbye to his dad, who is creepily leering at his wife on the TV, proclaiming it the best foreplay. Papa Leery’s parting, “play safe!” makes Dawson unhappy. “What is up with the sex?” He wants to know what the big deal about sex is, and this is the point where all my readers gaze into middle distance and think about all the ways sex is a big deal.

Aaaaaaand, we’re back.

“If sex is so important, how come Spielberg has never had a sex scene in one of his movies?” Oh. Oh, dear. He gets laid eventually right? It’s pity sex, I’m sure.

Sweeney: NEEDSMOREPUNCHING.

Lor: Joey is running out of her house as Bessie grabs her and says her attitude has got to go. She then helps her out with a little lipstick.

The kids are all walking to the theater and Joey is being cunty. She asks Jen about her dyed hair and if she is a virgin. “Dawson is a virgin and two virgins really makes for a clumsy first encounter, don’t you think?” Jen, for her part, doesn’t kick her in the vagina.

Sweeney: I still think she was a shit to her grandma, but yeah, sure, I’ll give her points for that.

Lor: It’s very charitable of you. Thank you.

Inside the theater, Pacey excuses himself to go creep on his English teacher. Dawson grabs Jen’s hand, and Joey freaks. She turns to Jen and asks, “you a size queen?”After a few more cunty comments, Dawson pulls Joey outside, threatening to kill her.

Pacey sits next to Tamara but it turns out she’s on a date. Pacey starts being belligerent. A spilled pop-corn tub and some confusion later, Pacey gets punched in the face by a random movie patron.

Sweeney: FINALLY!

Lor: Outside, Dawson and Joey are yelling at each other and their faces are really close. Odd. Joey argues that all she does is understand and that Dawson is so far removed from reality that he’s not even noticing what’s in front of him. Fair. But I’m not taking back my “cunty.” Especially because instead of this being about her big ‘ole Dawson boner, it turns out to be a “poor, perfect Dawson” thing. No need to bring your daddy issues to this party, Joey.

Later, Dawson walks Jen home and apologizes for the evening. He goes in for the kiss, but Jen interrupts him a number of compliments, inlcuding one about him having great skin. Dawson seems pleased. We all know he got supremely rejected.

Pacey’s eye looks all swollen and, uh, punched as walks along a dock. Tamara follows him out and wants to clear up any misunderstanding created by her wearing tank tops as dresses. Pacey calls her on her bullshit, her “turning 40” insecurity and her fantasizing about being with “that young boy on the verge of manhood.” UUGGGH.

Pacey says that she blew her opportunity for near-pedophilia and that he’s the best sex she’ll never have. It’s all really convincing too, as he stands there with his eye swollen shut. Sexy, sexy!

Tamara thinks so, because she kisses him. But then she insta-regrets it so maybe his face smelled like blood. And puberty. And a lawsuit. She runs off.

Sweeney: I do hate the smell of lawsuit on a guy.

Lor: Dawson comes home and Joey is sitting in his closet, which is weird and also Edward Cullen-y. Joey confesses that she wigged out. Dawson apologizes for being insensitive and says he doesn’t want to lose Joey. The Plinking Piano of Many Emotions highlights how very sad this entire scene is, as Dawson confesses that he thought Joey looked very pretty with her lipstick, but that was the end of his “seeing Joey as a girl” emotions. She says that she didn’t want Jen holding his hand, but that she didn’t want to be holding it either. LIES.

Joey says that they just can’t talk to each other the same way anymore. Dawson is all, “YES HUH” and Joey proves it by asking how often Dawson “walks his dog.” WINK. “What time of day, how many times a week?” Dawson doesn’t answer,  and Joey looks HEARTBROKEN. Like “please share your masturbating history with me PLEASE” heartbroken, which I didn’t know was a thing that existed until this very moment. Dawson finally just says goodnight and Joey leaves.

She cries and runs to her boat. As Joey is preparing to row home, Dawson pops his head out the window and shouts, “usually in the morning! To Katie Couric.” It takes a moment for Joey to process this and the music is hilariously “I’ll Stand By You.”

It goes a little something like: “Usually in the morning! To Katie Couric!” I’LL STAND BY YOU! As if Joey is saying, “you know? You’re kind of pathetic even in your masturbatory choices, but I’ll stand by you, dawg.” She laughs.

We end the episode with Joey seeing Mrs. Leery kissing her co-anchor Bob ’cause we couldn’t end on a happy note.

As always, we leave you with a few life lesson:

1.) Don’t worry about school, or classes or academia at all, really. What you should be thinking about is sex. All of the sex all of the time.You need to pair up and immediately.

1b.) Teachers are fair game.

2.) You don’t know if someone is truly your best friend until you’ve asked them about their masturbation habits.

3.) If someone invites you to church, ask them to say the word penis first.

 

Next time: Dawson makes Jen’s date super awkward in Dawson’s Creek S01 E02 – Dance.