Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 26 – The end, except for the part where it’s not.

Previously: Ana returns to Seattle just in time to have sex in a hallway, sex in the shower and sex in the Red Room. That last one happened with a hymn playing in the background. Sorry, we’re still not over it.

Lorraine: I wish I could tell you all that it feels like just yesterday I started covering this series, but that would be a bald-faced lie. It feels like AGES AGO. And don’t get me wrong, good things came out of writing these recaps, but we’ll get to more of that later. For now, I just want to say: I cannot believe we made it to the end. For a good while there, it felt like I’d fallen into a never ending hole of terrible fan-fiction.

Sweeney: This is not an inaccurate description of what actually happened here. Also, while we’re on that subject, it seems like perhaps the most appropriate time I will ever find to use this gif:

Lor: We start yet another chapter with Ana waking up. It’s 5am but Ana feels rested because of the time difference between Georgia and Washington. She hears Grey playing his Tinkling Piano of Super Deep Emotions, puts on a bathrobe and goes to see him. He is bathed in golden light and he’s playing something emo, so that Ana feels all his feels as she watches him.

Sweeney: His music punches Ana straight in the ovaries, or at least that is how I choose to interpret this. Also, she had to “clamber out of bed” (again) to get there. I don’t think she has ever left a bed any other way in 26 chapters.

Lor: Ana approaches Grey and she’s scared that he’ll be mad she is awake. Grey notices her and, yeah, he is irritated because Grey only comes in two forms: agitated and horny. He plays the emo song again, and after Ana inquires, murmur-informs us that it is “Chopin. Opus 28, number 4. In E minor, if you’re interested.”  1.) She asked you what it was because she was interested you dolt and 2.) how very superior of him.

Ana requests he play the piece he played the first night she stayed over. He does and it’s a jolly little jingle. JUST KIDDING. IT IS SAD.

Sweeney: He plays deliberately, as opposed to the haphazard fashion in which other people play during their emo pre-dawn performances.

Lor: Too true.

This emo-pre-dawn performance is making everyone incredibly sad: Ana  because she wants to get to know Grey more and we aren’t sure why Grey is upset. It must be the situation again.

Grey asks why she’s awake and Ana explains about the time difference. Also: she needs to take her birth control pill. Grey is super impressed that she remembered about that! For like a second. Then he says, “only you would start a course of time-specific birth control pills in a different time zone.”

Grey suggests waiting half an hour to take them, and then half an hour again the next day until she’s taking the pill at a normal hour. This seems like a super intensive plan, seeing as how Ana’s been taking the pill for like two days. “So what shall we do for half an hour,” Ana asks. Grey takes this as his cue to switch from agitated to horny, but Ana was actually thinking about talking. Grey’s all, “nah.”

“You’d always rather have sex than talk,” I laugh, steadying myself by holding on to his upper arms.
“True. Especially with you.”

SO FUNNY. My boyfriend hates talking to me and will probably shut me up by putting something in my mouth LOL.

After a few kisses, Grey whisper-suggests sex on the piano and Ana whisper-answers that first she needs some clarification. (S: After we get another “Oh my” and that Lamebook post is still the best thing to happen to my reading of this book.)  She wants to clarify the Sexy Times Contract, which I’m sure you were all working hard to forget. Grey’s all, “the contract is totally moot at this point, except for the part where all the Rules still stand.” Oh, okay.

“So let me be clear: You just want me to follow the Rules element of the contract all the time but not the rest of the contract?”
“Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules – all the time. Then I know you’ll be safe, and I’ll be able to have you anytime I wish.”
“And if I break one of the rules?”
“Then I’ll punish you.”
“But won’t you need my permission?”
“Yes, I will.”
“And if I say no?”
He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.
“If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.”

You guys know the drill:

1.) So, what you’re saying is you want her to follow the contract, right? That you are just taking away the little detail where she signs the legally unenforceable piece of paper, right?

Sweeney: But it’s moot! It’s moot except for the part where it’s not, you see.

Lor: 2.) “Then I’ll know you’ll be safe” makes me HULKSMASH angry. The shit Grey does because he’s a murderapist doesn’t make me as angry as the shit he does under the guise of caring for Ana.

Guys. This has nothing to do with Ana being safe. And, on the off chance it does, he probably needs her to be safe because if she dies, he has to find a new punching bag.

Sweeney: It’s probably the most reprehensible part of all of it, on the scale of emotional manipulation tactics. Essentially, any behavior becomes excusable if it is qualified with, “Because I love you!” and that’s just a swell cultural message for all of us. “I don’t believe you should have any sort of autonomy, but it’s all right because I just want you to be safe! Because I love you!”

I just hate E. L. James and whichever asshole at her publishing company first decided to publish this book.

Lor: 3.) “I’ll be able to have you any time I wish.” That’s called rape, motherfucker.

4.) “But won’t you need my permission?” Ana, he ALWAYS needs your permission. ALWAYS. FOREVER. UNTIL THE END OF TIME. The fact that she thinks otherwise is reason number 1679it’schapter26whoiscounting838 that Ana should not be in this relationship.

5.) “If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.” Grey: missing the point of no since 26 chapters ago.

Ana says that if the punishment aspect remains, she’ll need to reread the rules. Grey scurries off to fetch them for her. Ana goes to the kitchen in the meanwhile to get some tea and take her pill. “One swallow and I’m done.” Yeah, Ana. That’s usually how swallowing a pill works.

Sweeney: Whenever Ana completes basic big girl tasks, it’s an accomplishment that merits a national holiday. Also, the kitchen, like Grey’s music and black, tortured heart, is “shrouded in darkness.”

Lor: Maybe she should turn on a light? Oh, wait that was a metaphor? MYBAD.

Grey comes out with the paperwork and we’re treated to it again in full (8 hours of sleep, pre-approved clothing only, personal trainer “four three times a week” because this book wasn’t edited, shaved/waxed at all times, no smoking, drugs or drunkeness, no sex outside of the relationship) but the food clause is crossed out. Ana’s all, “so basically obey you?” and Grey grins. Ana rolls her eyes and-oh great. My least favorite time of the day: eye roll o’clock.

Ana’s all, “you gonna beat me now?” and Grey’s all, “uh-huh.” It’s supposed to be this big OMG IS SHE GOING TO LET HIM SPANK HER? moment, because now he “needs” her permission, but I forgot to bring fucks to give. Sorry y’all!

Ana says that if Grey wants to spank her, then he has to catch her first and they start like, playing tag in the kitchen. Ana says that it makes her excited like a child, just so that we wouldn’t end the book without one final, creepy pedo-bear mention.

Sweeney: Not that it even matters at this point, but I laughed a little when she ended that sentence with “but that’s not right.” Oh, really? You noticed?

Lor: It’s right, except for the part where it isn’t.

They run around a little and Grey’s all, “dude you are making it worse for yourself,” but Ana is somehow confident that he’s never going to catch her ever, even though they are indoors. It must be because her subconscious “has found her Nikes, and she’s on starting blocks.” If Ana’s inner goddess has more furniture than me, than her subconscious definitely has more clothes. It either sucks to be me or Ana, and at this point I can’t really decide. Side note: Remember when I had no idea there were multiple people in Ana’s head and I was just calling the voice(s) in there “Medulla Whisper?” GOOD TIMES.

Sweeney: That seems like so long ago! Those were more innocent times for everyone. But about her Nikes and the fucking race track in her mind: how is anyone actually taking this seriously?

Lor: I wonder what would happen if I went around in real life telling people there was a race track in my mind. Probably won’t be meeting any billionaire CEOs, will I?

Anyways, Grey says that with Ana running away from him, it almost seems like she doesn’t want to get hit! “I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you,” Ana says.

This is actually a reasonable thing to say, meaning Ana takes it back in like 2 seconds. “It doesn’t affect me quite as much as that,” she doormats, “but it gives you an idea.” Grey asks her about the previous night in the playroom, which Ana seemingly enjoyed.

“I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don’t. You didn’t hurt me last night. That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But then you want to punish me, I worry that you’ll hurt me.”

If some guy ever needed to hurt me, well, basically I’d call the police. Also, I love the part where she’s all, “I trust you but I worry that you’ll hurt me.” LOL.

Sweeney: I trust you, except for the part where I don’t.

Lor: It’s moot, except for it isn’t.

Grey won’t explain why he needs to hurt Ana because he’s sure she will run away from him once she hears the explanation. He couldn’t bear to lose her, though. Instead, he goes in for the manipukiss and starts begging Ana not to leave.

Sweeney: I will just say, now, that everyone who argues that you are “reaching” in these posts, is living in the same deluded fairy tale universe as Anastasia Steele, because all of the bullshit and manipukissing and whatever are actually about four thousand times worse in the actual book than in this summary. Maybe it’s the wine, but I went from giggling at yet another “Oh my” to shouting “Fuck this!” and grabbing a pillow to throw, because WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? The actual conversation is Ana explaining that she, like most rational human beings, does not like being beaten up, followed by Grey saying that he just needs to beat her up because of reasons, and THEN TRYING TO END THIS DOMESTIC ABUSE CONVERSATION BY KISSING HER.

I no longer have words and will have to express the remainder of my feelings in gif form:

Etc.

Lor: Basically.

Ana says she doesn’t want to go and figures the next logical step would be to whisper-ask Grey to hurt her as much as possible. “Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get.”

I’ll go ahead and answer that for her: dead.

Ana says her ulterior motive is that maybe if she lets Grey beat her up, he’ll let her touch him which is a totally fair tradesy.

Sweeney:

Lor: Yep, except for the part where I’m not.

Up the two go to the playroom. Grey grabs A BELT and instructs Ana to bend over a bench. He’s going to hit her six times and she has to count them out. He is doing this, he explains, so that Ana remembers never to run from him. It’s super deep because they were just playing tag, but also he means IN LIFE.

Sweeney: Sidebar: the good news is that her subconscious passes out in fear, which is bad news when you remember all the women that love this book and want to be Anastasia Steele, but good news when you consider that we have one less voice in her head. Granted, I’d prefer to knock out the inner goddess, but I’ll take what we can get.

Lor: Grey starts hitting Ana. By number two, Ana thinks, “holy shit… that smarts.” and I laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Probably shouldn’t, but I do, mostly because James wanted to give us one final I-can’t-write-Americans-isms.

By hit number five, Ana thinks she hates Grey and by number six, all the tears. Grey drops the belt and goes to hug Ana and she’s all, “let go!” and trying to get out of his grasp. Ana asks if this is really what he likes- her hurt and crying. He doesn’t say anything and Ana answers, “Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.”

OH DEAR LORD. DUH. And you can’t even be excited that she finally figured it out because she only did so after she asked him to hit her as hard as he could. What the hell was she expecting, exactly?

Ana tells Grey he needs to sort his shit out, leaves the playroom and goes to her room.

Sweeney: At this, I just wanted to pull up the post with all the finger guns, because there is nothing else to say here. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST TWENTY-SIX CHAPTERS, GIRL? This is not news. Less rage and more general annoyance, because she is the moron who continues to be surprised by things that have not changed.

Except, then, in her room, reflecting on what just happens, she feels guilty for having yelled at him: “Oh, his distraught look as I left. I was so cruel, so shocked by the savagery.” Who are you, Ana?

Lor: She cries on her bed and thinks, “I am going to lose him. He won’t want to be with me if I can’t give him this.” Girlfriend, you are not going to lose him, you are going to run away from him. Totally different.

“My subconscious is shaking her head sadly and my inner goddess is nowhere to be seen. Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me.”

LOL. Her inner-crazies are disappearing all over the place and apparently the darkness in the kitchen has spread to her soul.

Ana thinks back to her mother’s “follow your heart!” speech and then realizes “I did follow my heart, and I have a sore ass…” BRILLIANT. That is amazing, my God! I think “Follow your heart, get a sore ass” is second only to, perhaps, “we can’t dive into your ass,” as far as big life lessons FSoG has taught us.

Ana realizes that they are no good for each other but the thought of never seeing her “Fifty Shades” again is choking her. But figuratively only because bitch isn’t going to die now.

Sweeney: Dreams don’t come true after all.

Lor: Grey enters the room and asks Ana not to hate him and not to fight him as he holds her in his arms. They stay that way for a while, with Ana crying and then crying less and then thinking about how good looking Grey is, because this is the appropriate time for that.

Sweeney: See, Lor, you don’t understand just how pretty (and rich!) he is. If we went back and counted out the times she describes him in such creative terms as “Greek God” then you’d understand how it just about balances out the whole “he’s probably going to murder me soon” thing.

Lor: Imagine having to be murdered by some jerk with black hair. OMG, EW. Christian Grey has copper hair. Pretty.

Ana whisper-says that she can’t be everything Grey needs her to be. Grey says he wants her, but later agrees that he should let Ana go. Ana’s whisper-says that she doesn’t want to go, though, because GOD IS IT OVER YET?

Grey whisper-says that he doesn’t want her to go either. There are more whispers than usual thanks to extra emotions. Plus, Ana’s ass is sore so she probably can’t speak too loudly.

Finally, Ana’s says, “I’ve fallen in love with you Christian,” and Grey’s reaction is, “No.” He was all about her staying, but love? No. He is very distraught and now these two confused kids will flip-flop their positions: Grey says he can’t make Ana happy and Ana’s all, “but you do make me happy!” ’cause her sore ass must be in remission. Ana whisper-concludes that they’ll never be able to get past their incompatibility and then murmur-decides to leave. TWENTY SIX DAMN CHAPTERS LATER.

Sweeney:

Lor: Ana goes to take a shower and get dressed. In her suitcase she finds a model glider she bought for Grey and it reminds her of “happier times” namely that one time he followed her on her vacation uninvited, also known as yesterday. She leaves the model kit and a note on Grey’s bed.

Back down stairs, Grey is yelling at someone on the phone things like, “this is a real fuck-up” and “find her!” I get the distinct impression that anyone working for Grey has heard the phrase, “find her” on multiple occasions.

Sweeney: It must be comforting to Ana to know that he sounds like a murderer no matter who he’s talking to. Or, no, disconcerting, because he’s her murderer? Sorry, I’m not sure how this Stockholm Syndrome-ish thing works.

Lor: Ana returns the Macbook, the Blackberry and the key to her car. She asks for the money Taylor got from selling her old car. Grey is offended. He wants her to keep the gifts. Ana-whisper says that she doesn’t want anything that will remind her of him, and that she is only trying to protect herself. Gifts are returnable and sore asses will heal, but Trauma is forever, girlfriend. Might as well keep the car, is all I’m saying.

Sweeney: Truth. At the very least, keep the shit and sell it.

Lor: Grey writes her a check and announces that Taylor can take her home. He keeps trying to get close to Ana, but she keeps stepping away, saying his touch will destroy her, or something. She finally grabs her things and murmurs her goodbye. Grey says goodbye and she goes.

“I’m a complete failure. I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it’s proved a task beyond my meager abilities.”

Super stabby feelings.

Sweeney: I am feeling a little dejected too, Ana. I am glad this is ending, but still so angry about every single sentence this girl is thinking, but at this point it’s hard to muster up the actual hulksmash energy. I just want to finish my wine, pass out, and pretend this never happened.

Lor: I believe you asked me if this chapter made me more angry than others and I think the answer is that I was lazy angry. Like, “fuck it. It’s the end.” angry. Pretending it never happened sounds swell. 

Ana finally breaks down and cries again when she realizes she’s left the only man she’s ever slept with. She gets home, gets in bed and just cries some more.

“The pain is indescribable… physical, mental… metaphysical… it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones. Grief. This is grief – and I’ve brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lip curled in a snarl… the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor’s handkerchief, and surrender myself to grief.”

End of Part One

A pretty fitting ending, because:

1.) REALLY? You’ve been dating him for FOUR WEEKS. Think this is a little dramatic?

2.) “The physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing compared to this devastation” said every abuse victim ever.

3.) Ana cries and we all celebrate! IT’S THE END.

 

Murmur Count – 7
Whisper Count – 16

Entire Book Murmur Count – 199
Entire Book Whisper Count – 197

 

Some final thoughts:

I still have NO idea why anyone finds Grey attractive.
I have no idea why anyone finds the relationship between Ana and Grey attractive.

Sweeney: Just thinking about the number of people who are attracted to Christian Grey and/or this relationship and/or want to be Anastasia Steele makes a statement about humanity that leaves me feeling like this:

Lor: Anyone who has said anything in this book is sexy deserves to never have sex again. (S: Fact.)
This book has nothing to do with BDSM.
I stole my copy of this book, but I want my money back.
How brilliant is that ending, on James’ part?

These things are still my favorites:
Floor the pedal to the metal!
FUCK THE PAPERWORK!
Shit or bust time.
Sans culottes.
You sir are no gentleman! You have my panties!
My mother was a crack whore Anastasia. Now go to sleep.

Sweeney: I forgot about that last one! That one is great. I feel a little better already. I’d like to add the hymn and the many cameos by George Takei to this list.

Lor: Accepted.

I hated this book every bit as much as it seemed. That part is not exaggerated. I have to be completely honest though and tell you all that writing these recaps has been pretty amazing, mostly because 99.9% of the time, the funniest things happen in the comments. For that I am ever grateful.

Now that we’re at the end, I ask a few things and leave you with a final list:

1.) If you’ve been reading along with the recaps, why not leave us a comment? It makes us feel better about our life choices.

2.) If you have any specific questions for me or Sweeney, about the book, about our opinion on it, about how these posts came together, about what’s in our Playrooms (kidding!) (probably.) please feel free to ask away!

3.) Tune in for the rest of the week for some additional wrap-up posts.

4.) Tweet, Facebook, Tumble, Stumble, Reddit and generally whore our link, as I know many of you already have (thank you!!!) Our FSoG page is now complete and we’d love for you to share it with friends and enemies alike. Bonus points for sharing with fans of the series. https://www.snarksquad.com/category/ruinedforlife/fifty-shades

5.) Now would probably be the most appropriate time to announce that Sweeney and I have decided to continue on with the series, after a short break in October. We’ll be finishing off the month with a special series of Halloween-inspired posts, and come November, we’ll start Fifty Shades Darker. Please know that between Sweeney saying she’d help me, and you all asking for us to continue you won me over. In my head, there was no way I was reading book two, ever.

Alas.

And so, thank you, thank you, thank you a million times for reading.

It’s been quite the journey.