Goosebumps #003 “Monster Blood” – Or I told you cats are evil.

Lorraine: Happy Halloween, Traumateers. How else would we celebrate, besides with a little Goosebumps?

Our dumb kid of the story is Evan Ross, a 12 year old ginger. Evan is begging his mother to abandon her plan of dropping him off at his great aunt Kathryn’s house. His mother says that he is acting like an infant and then ruffles his hair. Evan says he hates when she does that, and his mom is all, “I guess you hate me then,” and shrugs her shoulders.

A true Goosebumps mother.

Sweeney:

Evan and I have something in common, because I knew I hated her based solely on her being a Goosebumps mother.

Lor: The contrivance set-up is that the Negligent Father of the Book has been transferred to a new job in Atlanta. He and the Negligent Mother of the Book are going ahead to, uh, move and do stuff, and they couldn’t possibly take their 12 year old son with them. And because everyone they know, ever, is on vacation (seriously. They say this in the book) they have to leave Evan with Kathryn.

We get a scene where the Negligent Parents are discussing this option. See, Kathryn is deaf, but has never bothered to learn sign language or lip reading, making her basically impossible to communicate with. Negligent Mother of the Book says that leaving their child there for two weeks isn’t that bad, and really, he doesn’t need to communicate with his care taker anyways. He’ll be fiiiiine.

Sweeney: Wait, so…how does Kathryn function if she’s never learned any means of communicating with others? Or is this one of those situations where her shitty family just hasn’t bothered to learn to communicate with her? I don’t understand.

Lor: This is “explained” later in the book, by which I mostly mean, “no, it makes no sense.”

So, here we are. Krazy Katheryn (Yes, I just did that.) greets NMotB and Evan with a bloody butcher knife. She explains that she just happened to be murdering beef. Kathryn grabs Evan’s face and says that he’s a good looking boy. She wants to know if he “likes the girls.” What a creeper. “Do you like girls?” is already an awkward question but add “the” into that sentence? Whole new ballgame, my friends.

Sweeney: PLEASE EXPLAIN THE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM. I do not understand how this exchange just occurred.

Lor:  I got  nothing, Sweenz. She talks and people listen but don’t really respond and then she talks some more.

She repeats “he likes the girls” like three more times and also threatens to bake Evan’s dog Trigger in pie, allowing the Negligent Mother plenty of time to be all, “yeah, I’m not leaving my kid with you.” But she doesn’t say that. She just keeps saying that Evan will be fine and that she’s counting on him. I’m not sure what she’s counting on him for, but she probably means she’s counting on him to make it easy for her to pretend she doesn’t even have a kid at all.

Evan’s being all emo about being abandoned by his parents, wondering WTF he’s going to do in a house with no Nintendo, no TV and not even any good books to read. He’s checking out the shelves of dusty, old science books and then decides to check out what’s in the closet. Something jumps out at him, and temporarily prevents him from being able to see! The chapter ends on that CURB HANGER.

Turns out it’s just a cat.

Krazy Kathryn is standing at the door, smiling a lot because she thinks her cat attacking a minor is hilar. She says that the cat, Sarabeth, is pure evil and I’m pretty thankful for the chance to whip out the good, ole “cats will eat you” tag for this post. Because they will. They will eat you.

Trigger the Dog tries to go after Evil the Cat and scares it away. Kathryn tells Evan to bring the dog because she can’t have animals fighting in her house and now she has to “take care” of Trigger. You’re supposed to get this OH NO, BITCH BE KILLING DOGS moment of foreboding, but it ends up being her tying him up in the yard. Evan is not pleased.

After some cookies and milk, Evan decides to take Trigger for a walk. While chasing his dog around, he meets a neighborhood girl who calls his dog stupid, but it’s okay because she likes stupid dogs. Her name is Andrea, but she thinks that’s stupid too so she goes by Andy. She says the neighborhood is pretty boring and suggests they go into town.

Sweeney: This scene reminds me of that girl who made fun of Kristy’s dying dog, though the girl reminds me more of Kristy Thomas.

Lor: Andy takes Evan to an old toy store. When Evan tells us that there doesn’t seem to be any toys displayed I am reminded of this:

Turns out, all the toys are shoved in boxes. They start going through the junk when another room catches Evan’s eye. He goes there and spots a blue-soup can in the darkness. “Monster Blood,” it reads. “Surprising Miracle Substance.” Evan figures he’ll buy it, but the Hardly A Toy Store owner shows up and starts yelling at him.

Evan says he wants to buy the Monster Blood, but the owner says it isn’t for sale and that it’s so old, it probably doesn’t work anymore. Andy comes in and says she wants one too, and the shop owner is just in the background going, “srsly, you guys. Not for sale.” But the annoying children are so annoying, homeboy’s finally like, “fine. $2.”

Sweeney: I’ll re-reerence your aforementioned picture and cry PEDOBEAR in the extreme, because putting something out in your Hardly A Toy Store and then insisting that it can’t be sold is basically the best way to make sure kids want your can of creepy whatever.

Lor: Evan buys it and Andy is pissed because, she so informs us, she’s a spoiled only child, used to getting her way. Evan says he’s a spoiled only child too, and I laugh and laugh because his mother hates him and abandoned him.

The kids decide to go to Krazy Katheryn’s house and mess with their Monster Blood. Kathryn sees the kids come in and asks what the can is. After inspecting it and chanting something over it, Kathryn tells Evan to be careful.

Upstairs, Andy notices that there are magic books amongst the old thigs Evan thought were all boring. They manage to get the Monster Blood can open and inside is a bright green, thick, Jell-o like substance. They quickly note a few things: it’s cold, bright green, glows in the dark, bounces and stretches. I’ve seen this movie already.

When Andy notices that it is also leaving stains around the room, the kids decide to play with a bit of it outside. Evan tosses it to Andy but it sails over her head and lands near Trigger who promptly swallows it. Andy’s all, “aw man, now there isn’t enough to share!” and Evan’s all, “YOU BITCH, MY DOG MIGHT BE POISONED. PRIORITIES, YO.”

The next chapter starts three days later. Evan keeps trying to be nice to Kathryn, but she just gets meaner and meaner.

Sweeney: I’m glad we go from poisoned dog to, “The next few days are totally irrelevant, even by our low standards of what constitutes plot.” OK, BOOK. OK.

Lor: Evan’s parents call and basically say that, whoops, they haven’t found a house yet so he’s going to have to stay abandoned for a few more days. He decides to go visit Andy. On the way, Evan encounter two identical twin brother bullies. They threaten him, until Andy shows up and they are distracted by this opportunity to beat up on a girl. They push her and steal her bike. Andy has to go home and dress her wounds, so Evan goes home, sad and bored.

Once there, Evan remembers he has a dog! He goes outside to feed it, and finds Trigger in distress, being suffocated by his collar. Evan gets it off, and wonders how the collar could’ve possibly shrunk. While that would be the rational conclusion, this a Goosebumps book meaning that Trigger has actually grown.

The next day, Evan goes over to Andy’s house and finds her untying a cat from a tree. She knows the Doublemint Bullies did this! As Andy works to free the cat, it takes a few swipes at her, because cats like to hit people.

Anyways, after the cat is freed, Andy and Evan head to Krazy Katheryn’s house. They spend the walk foreshadowing, which must be a nice way to pass the time. They REALLY want to get back at the Doublemint Bullies and someone should REALLY teach them a lesson.

Sweeney: Foreshadowing while taking a walk is nice, but I like to go all out and host foreshadowing parties.

Lor: If you’re invited, you’ll know in advance.

At Kathryn’s house, the kids go upstairs and are immediately bored. I vaguely remember having this power of instantaneous boredom. Sometimes it still manifests itself in my adult life, but usually just at work. The kids decide to play with the Monster Blood and are amazed that it seems to be growing and is now warm and sticky. Growing. Warm. Sticky.

Mmmhmm.

Sweeney: I can’t believe this man has the audacity to insist that we were making up the innuendo here.

Lor: They have a little little fun throwing the warm and sticky stuff at each other’s faces until they hear Trigger barking loudly. They look out the window and Evan gasps at what he sees: Trigger has doubled in size.

The next chapter starts with Trigger running away and Evan chasing him. He soon realizes that Trigger isn’t running away; he’s chasing the Doublemint Bullies. I’m not sorry that I immediately think of this:

Evan follows them.

“All was silent now, except for the steady, rhythmic beating of Trigger’s enormous padded paws. Except for the clapclapclap of the Beymyer twins’ sneakers as they darted along the glistening pavement. Except for the gasp of Evan’s breathing as he struggled to keep up.”

LOL, so what you’re saying is that not all was silent, right?

Sweeney: It was silent, except for the part where it wasn’t.

Lor: Suddenly, Trigger rises up on his hind legs and starts transforming into a monster and howling. But then Evan wakes up because it was all a dream. He feels uncomfortable though, and notices that he’s a giant! His hands and feet are huge. He screams and that wakes him up from his dream within a dream. The book makes sure to tell us that he is for real awake now. He almost goes back to sleep but he notices that the Monster Blood is bubbling out of its can.

The kids take Trigger to the vet and he proclaims that the dog seems perfectly healthy, except for the part where he’s doubled in size, which he doesn’t seem concerned about. On the walk home, Evan ties Trigger to a hydrant and stops for an ice cream pop. When he comes back out from the store, the Doublemint Bullies are mid-dognap. One of the twins hits the chocolate ice cream pop out of Evan’s hand and Trigger starts growling. Because what kind of evil person ruins somebody else’s ice cream??? Trigger chases the Doublemints, and by the time Evan catches up to the dog, they twins have disappeared.

Later, Evan goes over to Andy’s house because he has a problem: the Monster Blood has grown so much, it now fills an entire bucket. Andy suggests throwing all the Monster Blood away, or calling the police, two ideas Evan quickly turns down. Instead, he wants her to take some of the Monster Blood so that he doesn’t have it all.

Sweeney: Police are usually a waste of time in the material we cover anyway.

Lor: Outside, the Doublemint Bullies are waiting for Evan and they beat him up. Evan is lying on the ground for a bit, before Andy finds him. Once they determine that Evan is alive and incredibly beat up, they turn to the bucket of Monster Blood which has spilled over Andy’s lawn. She’s all, “OH NO THE LAWN,” probably while Evan’s whole face is bleeding.

That night, Evan wants to find something bigger to put the MB in. He decides he’d better look in the BASEMENT, because that’s always a good idea. (S: Another recurring theme. WE JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS, EVAN. DON’T YOU READ OUR BLOG?) Down there, he finds an old bathtub and dumps the stuff. Of course, though, Evil the Cat is on hand to scare him and he falls right into the tub of Monster Blood. After way too many awkward sentences about sucking sounds and super struggles, Evan frees himself.

The next day, Andy and Evan drag the MB back to the toy store in trash bags to try and return it. Of course the Not Really a Toy Store is now out of business. They take the Blood back to Kathryn’s house and throw it away in her trash can. Kathryn comes out to tell Evan that his mom has finally decided to stop ignoring him and is coming to pick him up that day. Evan thinks this is fantastic and calls out to Trigger, who is now the size of a pony. Trigger runs into the streets and as Evan tries to go after him, he bumps into the trash can and knocks it over, freeing the Monster Blood. It stands up like an actual Monster now, and the kids freak.

They run away, crying for help and come across the Doublemint Bullies who are promptly gobbled up by the Monster. I guess that’ll teach them that lesson, eh?

“The sucking sounds grew louder as the two boys were pulled deeper and deeper inside.”

Believe it or not, some of this stuff is actually better erotica than some of the stuff I found in Fifty Shades of Grey. Unfortunately, this is still a children’s book.

Aunt Kathryn finally comes out to find out why small children are crying out in horror. She sees the Monster and runs back inside. The monster follows her inside the house and Evan follows. The green glob has Kathryn pinned up against a wall, and she shouts for the kids to run. “I made this thing,” she says, so she figures it’s only right to die for it. Evan’s all SKKRRRRT? And he figures that Kathryn must have put a spell on the toy and turned it into Monster Blood. He accuses Kathryn of such spell making, but Kathryn says that she didn’t make it, Evil the Cat did.

Evil the Cat promptly shape shifts into a human who is still presumably evil. Kathryn tells Evil the Catwoman that she is no longer under her spell. Catwoman isn’t really having that and says that everyone must die. Kathryn explains that way back when, she thought Evil was a friend, but she actually cast multiple spells on Kathryn, making her deaf and unable to learn sign language or lip reading (?).

When Evan was abandoned by his mother at Kat’s, Evil was pissed because she likes to have Kathryn all to herself. So, Evil decided to have Kathryn cast a spell on the Monster Blood so that the Monster Blood could kill the kid. This is the most round about way of killing someone ever.

Sweeney: I…don’t even know how to express my reaction to any of that.

 

Lor: That works pretty well.

Kathryn decides she’ll sacrifice herself to the Monster and finally be free, but Evil the Catwoman says she’s still going to kill the kids anyways. Thankfully, giant Trigger comes running into the house and pushes Evil into the Monster Blood. It swallows her and promptly starts to shrink. It releases the Doublemint Bullies and Trigger also returns to his normal size. Kathryn regains her hearing too. Even Evan’s mom shows up finally. Kathryn takes Negligent Mom into the kitchen to explain what’s happened. Evan and Andy awkwardly say goodbye and decide to keep in touch as if they didn’t just witness a woman being swallowed by a sticky, green monster. I guess all’s well?

Sweeney: PTSD pen pals?

Lor: Andy wants to keep the little bit of Monster Blood that was left, as a memento, and also because she’s SO DUMB OMG. When they look back, though, the little bit is gone.

The end, though, spoiler: There is a Monster Blood part 2.

This book has a few special features at the end, including a section of Q&A with RL Stine. Here’s a gem:

Q: What’s the weirdest fan letter you’ve ever received?

RLS: It’s the weirdest and also my favorite. “Dear RL Stine: I have read 40 of your books, and I think they are really boring.”

LOLOL. Pretty much signed, “The Snark Squad.”

Sweeney: So true! “We have read and hated so many, and still we keep reading!” It’s kind of like our unofficial manifesto.