Previously: Buffy’s magic vagina took away Angel’s soul, and now Angelus is crazying up the joint. Also, Willow found out about Xander and Cordelia and DIDN’T punch Xander in the junk like I would have. I guess Willow’s a better person than me.
—
Phases
Kirsti: You guys, this is one of my FAVOURITE EPISODES OF EVER. So I may well get fan girl-y in the course of this recap.
Lorraine: Heartless Cow Kirsti needed a break?
I LOVE YOU K.
K: You’re lucky you’re hilarious, Lor. But yeah, she kinda did. We open at the high school. Oz is staring at a cheerleading trophy, and tells Willow that its eyes follow you. I love this little link back to season 1. LOVE IT. (Oh dear. The fangirling has started early…) They discuss the movie they saw the night before, and the fact that they went on a date. Oz is super eloquent about it, saying “My time was also of the good.” Right about where there should be smoochies, there’s just awkwardness, so Willow takes advantage of an approaching Buffy to run away. And I have to interrupt to show you guys Willow’s backpack, because WHAT THE FUCK:
Sweeney: I think I owned one a lot like it in 1998. In my defense, I was 10 in 1998.
K: Larry (remember him?) approaches, and says that he’d like to get some of that Buffy/Willow action, ifyouknowwhatImean. Oz’s reply? “That’s great, Larry. You’ve really mastered the single entendre.” Larry gets super douchey, asking Oz why he’s dating a junior if she doesn’t put out. I’m gonna go ahead and file this under “reasons I’m glad I went to a girls’ school.”
Meanwhile, Willow and Buffy discuss how there’s been a total lack of smoochies so far. I’m going to give you this entire exchange, because I cannot emphasise enough how much I love Buffy and Willow’s friendship:
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I’ve dropped anvils.
Buffy: He’ll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
Willow: At last count, all of them. Maybe more.
Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing. They all get an “F” in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an “A”, and, oh, one of those gold stars.
It’s all adorable until Willow says that she doesn’t want to be the only girl in school without a real boyfriend, which gives Buffy the sads on account of how her boyfriend is now a person-eating psychopath. Buffy suggests that the intrepid trio do the “sharing our pain thing”, and Willow says “Great, I’ll give Xander a call. What’s his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I’m-dating-a-skanky-ho.” Oh, Willow. You’re made of awesome.
Lor: I love that even when Willow sticks her foot in her foot, she does it awesomely. That’s a true, true friend.
K: Seriously. Willow then wonders what the hell Xander sees in Cordy, and we cut to them making out in Cordy’s car.
Xander interrupts the making out to wonder what the hell Willow sees in Oz. Cordy gets understandably crankypants. We zoom out to see a werewolf watching them, which is just about as creepy as you’d imagine. Aaaaaand roll credits.
Sweeney: As rude and useless as Cordelia and Xander both can be, this relationship makes me feel bad for her. I appreciated them together for the LOLZ the first time around, but less so now. They both make awful snide remarks to one another all the time, because that’s just how they are, but Xander’s prior loyalty to Buffy and Willow expresses itself in shitty ways.
Lor: Honestly, the snide remarks are what get me. It was all fun when it was mutual ribbing, but now that kissing, and dating and emotions are involved it just make me uncomfortable.
K: Hold onto your hats for the next episode then, ladies!! After the credits, there’s more making out before Xander starts hearing noises in the woods. Shortly thereafter, a giant hairy arm bursts through the roof of the convertible and starts trying to grab them. It’s kind of hilarious. Cordy drives off, throwing the werewolf off the roof in the process.
Sweeney: Another damage count we should have been keeping? Cordelia’s vehicular woes.
K: Good point. At school the next day, the gang examine the damage to the car roof. Giles does research in the form of reading the local paper, which has reported “wild dog attacks” in town, and then postulates that the werewolf will be back at the full moon the following month. Willow one ups Giles by pointing out that the full moon technically lasts three nights, and so they’ve got two more nights of wolfy fun ahead of them. Giles gets all fangirly about researching werewolves and basically skips off to the Wiggins Library.
Sweeney: I love when Giles flails about books. It’s my favorite. We love people who love books here on SnarkSquad.com
K: +1. Cut to PE class, where by some delightful plot contrivance, they’re learning self defence. By some further plot contrivance (or a lack of me understanding how American schools work YET AGAIN), the seniors and juniors have PE together, meaning that Oz and Larry are in the class. (S: PE classes were mixed-grade at my school because they were different electives, but the fact that all of our central characters are in the same class is majorly contrivancey.) (L: I had mixed PE too. Never self defense though.) Larry takes off his jacket to reveal a big bandage on his arm. When Xander asks what happened, Larry says that he got bitten by a GIANT dog, leading to 39 stitches. Oz says he’s been there, and holds up a finger. Apparently his little cousin just got his adult teeth and doesn’t like being tickled. I’m going to stop and take a moment to thank my seven year old niece for never trying to BITE ME when I tickle her…
Larry approaches a girl called Theresa, and doles out some more douchey sexual harassment. Buffy’s about to give him the smackdown when Willow pulls her aside and reminds her that she’s meant to be weak and feeble, like the rest of the girls. Buffy sulks about having her fun spoiled. The PE teacher tells them how to defend against an attack from behind (Anastasia Steele should *really* start reading these recaps). Buffy, paired with Larry, attempts to act like a weak little girly girl. Larry says she’s turning him on and grabs her arse. Buffy snaps and goes all Buffy Brawn on him, which is freaking awesome and totally deserved.
Sweeney: Agreed. If you don’t want to get your ass kicked, you should probably be less of a douche.
K: Cut to the Wiggins Library where Giles is demonstrating with a globe how the moon goes around the earth. I wish I were joking. Xander makes a joke about Moon Pies, which Giles finds hysterical for some reason. I have no idea why, and neither do the girls. (Dear fellow inhabitants of Commonwealth countries: Moon Pie = Wagon Wheel) Giles gives us the low down on werewolves, and Buffy points out that it sounds like your typical male – aggressive and acting on instinct. Giles and Xander suggest not jumping to conclusions, and Buffy replies as follows:
Sweeney: I loved that line. It was one of those, “Oh yes, I will now be searching for ways to incorporating this into casual conversation,” moments. Or maybe it’s just me who is weird and tries to build their conversations around great lines from TV shows?
Lor: Sweeney, have you met the rest of us? I’ve said, “wiggins,” and “don’t you have an elsewhere to be?” consistently since I started watching Buffy.
I just saw S03 E01 of “Doctor Who” and I want to yell, “POCKETS!” at everyone.
And, of course who could forget, Cordelia basically named our blog.
K: Things that have influenced my vocabulary far more than they should have: Buffy, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Firefly, and Pride & Prejudice. So yeah, you’re not the only one, Sweeney. Xander suggests breaking out the silver bullets, and Giles points out that the werewolf is still a person, and that said person may not know they’re a werewolf, so they probably shouldn’t get all trigger happy.
At the local lover’s lane that night, Giles and Buffy are snooping around. Because of how the werewolf likes to watch people making out, ya know? (S: Werewolves are total pervs.) (L: Let’s not even mention how it looks for grown-ass-man Giles to be at the local teen make-out spot. K: Agreed.) Buffy wanders into the woods alone and finds herself stuck in a net, being held at gunpoint by a very confused guy in a leather jacket. Confused Gun Totin’ Guy says that his name is Kane, which I have problems with because it reminds me of a character called Kane in Home and Away who raped a girl and then ended up married to her seventeen year old sister, whose name was Kirsty. Hence the trauma for me.
AnyrandomsegueaboutcrappyAustraliansoapoperas, Kane makes the assumption that Buffy and Giles are…getting jiggy with it. Yes, that’s a dated reference, but it’s also the only one I could think of that let me avoid thinking about Buffy and Giles…getting jiggy with it, so I’m going with that. Buffy says that EW and NO and HUNTING WEREWOLVES, ACTUALLY. Kane laughs and says that the idea of the two of them hunting werewolves is hilarious. He then points out his delightful necklace, stating that he tore a tooth from every werewolf he’s killed. Sunnydale’s will be his twelfth. He informs them that werewolves are suckers for sexual energy, and that anywhere teenagers like to suck face is probably a good spot to start looking. Buffy says she has absolutely NO idea where such a place might be, and Kane leaves.
Lor: And the Werewolf is actually a perv. Hmm. I didn’t really see that coming.
K: Joss Whedon: killing off your favourite characters and keeping you guessing since 1997! Meanwhile, Theresa is walking home. By herself. In the dark. Because apparently she’s an idiot?? Anyway, she hears noises in the bushes and starts to freak out before she runs – quite literally – into Angelus. He’s twirling a flower in his fingers and generally looks untrustworthy. He asks if Theresa goes to school with Buffy, and she’s all “Oh, you know Buffy? You’re clearly an awesome guy and I shall let you walk me home, no doubt resulting in my inevitable death. TRALALA!” SIGH.
Lor: Internet, today we learned:
1.) If you live in Sunnydale, never walk. Just, be home before the streetlights are on.
2.) If a guy is twirling an itty bitty flower, he’s probably a murderer.
3.) If a guy says he knows some girl you go to school with that doesn’t mean ANYTHING. Please, proceed to run away.
You take care, Internet. Don’t get dead.
K: Truth. Cut to the Bronze, where there is much face nomming going on. Cordy and Willow are having a God-why-do-guys-suck-so-much conversation, which is rudely interrupted by the werewolf, who jumps through the roof and onto the table in front of them. Much screaming and running ensues, before Buffy and Giles arrive. Buffy slips through the door just as the bouncer shuts it, and REALLY??? There’s some kind of monster in the Bronze and YOU SHUT A TEENAGE GIRL IN THERE WITH IT??? WTF. Anyway, Buffy’s on the prowl. She catches the werewolf around the neck with a length of chain, but puppy doesn’t like his choke chain. The werewolf throws her over the drumkit and runs off. Kane is NOT impressed, especially with Buffy’s take-the-werewolf-alive plan.
Lor: Also, between Willow’s, “girls are weak!” line and Kane’s “listen here little girl,” spiel, they really are laying the girl power set-up on thick here.
K: Fun fact about me: you know how everyone knows what they were doing when they found out about Princess Diana’s death? I was watching the Spice Girls movie. Yeah. That happened. Meanwhile, back in Sunnydale, the werewolf has smelled blood. Said trail of blood leads to Angelus standing over Theresa’s dead body. There’s a growl off between werewolf and vampire. Angelus backs off, leaving Dead!Theresa to the werewolf. Back up at Lover’s Lane, it’s nearly sunrise. Buffy and Giles hear on the radio that Dead!Theresa has been found, attacked by wild dogs, and Buffy gets her “Now it’s personal” face.
As the sun rises, we pan over the sleeping werewolf, which slowly turns into *gasp* naked Oz. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. He wakes, and in typical Oz fashion, his response to waking up naked in the woods is “Huh.”
Back at Oz’s place, he phones his aunt to ask if his little cousin (the one who bit him) is a werewolf. Apparently his aunt is kind of a moron, because instead of going “LOL, WEREWOLVES AREN’T REAL”, she apparently goes “Oh, yeah, didn’t we tell you?” leading to a nervous looking Oz walking down the hall at school.
Sweeney: That conversation was totally the best part of the episode. I really wish we could have heard the other end of it, because it would have been epic, I’m sure.
K: For serious. In the Wiggins Library, Buffy is crankypants. And apparently once again doesn’t feel the cold, because she’s wearing a singlet top (S: spaghetti straps, for the Americans… K: Singlet top = tank top/spaghetti straps top/pretty much any top that doesn’t have sleeves. We like to keep things simple) while Willow is sporting a big fluffy sweater under lime green overalls. Oh, honey. Noooooooooooooooo. Anyway, Oz asks if the werewolf hurt anyone, and Buffy breaks the news about Theresa. Xander decides that there are ways to work out who the werewolf is, and says that he’s been there. “On account of one time you were a hyena?” Willow asks. Wheeeeeee, another season 1 reference!! Apparently having been possessed by a hyena one time means Xander can get inside the werewolf’s head. He comes to the conclusion that it’s Larry, because of the dog bite and generally being a douchebag, and sets off to get a confession out of him. Willow tells Oz that she’s going to be doing research most of the night, and asks if he wants to help. He says he’s busy, and runs off, which leads to Willow sulking.
Over in the locker room, Xander confronts Larry. There’s all kind of talk about secrets, and then Xander says that he wants to help and that he’s been there. At which point Larry reveals that he’s gay. And Xander’s all “Uuuuuuuuuuh. WHUT.” Back in the Wiggins Library, Willow is checking for other students with profiles that might match the werewolf. Apparently the only one that keeps coming up is Buffy’s, which LOL. Willow and Buffy then have a deep and meaningful about Oz, culminating in Buffy recommending that Willow make the first move. I recommend that Willow change her clothes before doing so, because LOOK:
Xander approaches and Buffy asks how it went with Larry, leading to Xander getting really defensive, and Buffy sulking about them being back to square one. But then she realises that none of the reports said anything about Theresa being mauled, and so she and Xander set off for the funeral home to examine Dead!Theresa for themselves. They go to sign the guest book, and Dead!Theresa is actually Vamp!Theresa. There’s a brief fight and Buffy’s about to get her stake on when Theresa says “Angel sends his love“, which throws Buffy off guard. Theresa gets the advantage for a minute before Xander makes himself useful and stakes her, a moment which ends up in the credits for years afterwards.
Sweeney: Because his moments like this are so few.
Lor: I was seriously in awe of how useful Xander has been over the last two! His soldier experience and hyena experience, wielding a cross and a stake. I had a single moment of softening… then I was distracted by how big Xander’s forehead is. Why are they styling his hair this way? He looks 30 years old. I’m sorry. Continue.
K: He probably WAS 30 years old. As the sun starts to set, Kane is making silver bullets, while Oz has a box of manacles (who DOESN’T have a box of medieval restraints sitting around the house?!), and is chaining himself to the table when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Willow, who sadly hasn’t changed her clothes and who’s super cranky. Oz tries to get her to leave, but she won’t. He says he’s going through some changes, and then he starts to go through some changes.
Willow, not surprisingly, screams and runs after being confronted by Werewolf!Oz. She escapes over a fence and hits him in the face with a rubbish bin (that’s trash can to you, America). Back at the Wiggins Library, Giles has broken out the tranquiliser gun. Willow runs in, and informs Giles and Buffy that the werewolf is Oz. They head into the woods to find him, only to find Kane about to shoot him. Buffy knocks Kane out, and Werewolf!Oz attacks her. There’s a fight, which culminates in Willow shooting Werewolf!Oz with the tranquiliser gun. Kane is none too pleased that they beat him to the werewolf. Buffy takes his gun and uses her Buffy Brawn to bend it in half before telling him “How about letting the door hit you in the ass on your way out of town?” It’s kind of awesome.
At school the next day, Buffy is clearly feeling better about life because she’s wearing a #hosuspension worthy skirt. Xander worries about knowing Larry’s big secret. As a result of finally being okay with who he is, Larry is no longer acting like a douchebag. YAYNESS. You guys, Xander was useful twice in one episode!!! Speaking of Xander, he moves on to worrying about Willow now that Oz is Werewolf!Oz, and says that if it was up to him… Buffy interrupts with “Xander? It’s not up to you,” which snaps to Buffy because someone had to say it. Also, THANK GOD. Because if it were up to Xander, we’d be deprived of the awesomeness that is Willow and Oz. And that would make me sad.
Speaking of my favourite BtVS couple, Willow and Oz talk and it’s completely adorable, and I’m having a Kermit flail moment because at the end of their talk Willow walks away before returning to do this:
aksdjfkjglskjdglkjdalkjglkgjalkjg. I just…THEY’RE SO STINKING CUTE, YOU GUYS. Also, after all the Buffy and Angel angst of the last few episodes, yay for happy times.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
