Previously: Ana was unable to function following their break-up. Grey abducted her and, in keeping with the ridiculous timeline of this relationship, the break-up lasted five days.
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Sweeney: After the chapter-ending manipukiss from last time, Grey takes Ana to a restaurant, due to her apparently not understanding how to eat without Grey’s assistance. Or something. Because he’s such a total charmer, he grumbles that the restaurant they find “will have to do” as they are short on time for their abducticopter pickup.
Lorraine: Abducticopter is my favorite. Seriously, even better than this copter:
Sweeney: It’s a close call.
Ana finds the restaurant romantic, what with the walls being a deep blood red, just like Grey’s playroom! The romance is brought to an abrupt end, due to Christian ordering for them and Ana not wanting to be treated like a child. Grey tells her to stop acting like one, which has nothing to do with the steak that she may or may not want, but is actually about her trying to make him jealous. DUDE. YOU INVITED YOURSELF.
Christian points out that she was being rude to Josecob by leading him on. Given that I don’t think Josecob had any reason to know that she and Grey were over, due to their break-up lasting about as long as a commercial break trip to the bathroom, I find that doubtful. Plus, as much as I want to hate on Ana for using someone who has a thing for her (AKA every. single. guy. ever.) to make Grey jealous (especially since he’s probably a murderer) I also remember that Josecob is kind of a potential rapist himself, yeah? I don’t really remember because that’s before I was reading. Point is: Josecob sucks too, so what the fuck ever.
Lor: Additionally, I veto Christian’s entire argument because he only brings it up to distract from the original point: He just ordered for Ana without consulting her at all, and doesn’t understand why this is a problem. Instead of addressing her, or actually considering her problem, he brings up some other shit that will make Ana feel like it’s all her fault. I hate him.
Sweeney: Each page holds new reasons to hate him!
Grey offers to let Ana choose the wine to reclaim her pride, but because she’s still useless, she can’t choose a wine because she knows nothing about wine. I would never be in this situation in the first place, but if someone insulted my ability to order my own food, and I made a point of calling them out for it, you better believe I would make some shit up in this scenario. Instead, she reaffirms that she is too useless to function without Christian Grey. (Which is, in general, what women are saying that they’d like to be when they declare him their ideal man, because that’s the only kind of relationship he can be in. But it’s apparently NBD to be a useless sack of shit human being if the sex is good.)
As it turns out, this break-up isn’t actually over yet, because now we’re having the big talk.
Ana is actually sort of maybe standing by her choice? I’m trying hard to give her this one not because I like her, but because it hurts me a little less. I mean, she’s not blaming it on Christian being a psychopath, but her inability to be who she wants him to be and oh never mind, I can’t defend this.
Lor: Mostly, it’s hilarious because this talk comes after their entire drive-to-the-corner-store length break-up. It’s so melodramatic. Just imagine the theatrics if, I don’t know, they were actually boyfriend and girlfriend! Or if she’d ever really touched him! Or if she had actually signed the contract! Or if there were any level of commitment that would justify this entire fucking conversation.
Sweeney: And then it gets really good. By really good I mean, “I have to recap as I read in order to keep from quitting life.” Christian starts to say that he behaved “stupidly.” This is not the word that I would have used, but all right, sir, I’m listening to your apology. Please continue:
“You’re upset because of what happened last time. I behaved stupidly, and you . . . So did you. Why didn’t you use the safe word, Anastasia?” His tone changes, becoming accusatory.
Just so we are clear, an entirely non-sexual incident that ended with beating is now her fault because she didn’t use the safe word. Pass that along to every woman out there in an abusive relationship: just ask for the safe word.
But wait, there’s more! She didn’t use the safe word because she forgot it, and now Christian is even more pissed:
“How can I trust you?” he says, his voice low. “Ever?”
And then Ana fucking apologizes, because she is a failure of a fictional being.
Lor: It becomes even more infuriating when Ana thinks, “he’s saying I could have stopped him?” UMWHAT? You forgot the safe word and also forgot… like the fight or flight response? The fact that you have a will? HOW TO RUN AWAY?
Also, there is a great bit in here where Christian brings up the fact that Ana said she’d never leave him. Ana asks when she said that and he says, “in your sleep.” LOLOL. Aw, that’s so awesome! Christian Grey thinks that confessions made while the mind is unconscious are binding. Once when I was 13, my sister said, “tigers” in her sleep so I’m going to go ask her when she plans on gifting me those tigers.
Sweeney: Tigers!? She better deliver or your entire sisterhood will have been a lie.
The food comes and Ana and I are both relieved at the prospect of this conversation ending, but the bullshit never stops because Ana is starving but can’t eat because she’s so anxious (also, see above) and Grey threatens to beat her in the restaurant to make her eat because that will apparently solve her problem.
Lor: It makes me wonder about the people who don’t see the violence in this book when he sits there and basically says, “if you don’t eat, I will hit you.” I also wonder how that is an acceptable thing to say right after they were talking about how she left, because he hit her in a non-sexual context.
ARE WE GOING IN CIRCLES?
Sweeney: THAT IS ALL WE DO. CHAPTER AFTER CHAPTER AND I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS IS GOING TO BE FOREVER. The only thing that makes this tolerable is that she refers to him as Fifty again here and, you know:
They eat and she can’t finish her food and Grey is annoyed and blah blah whatever. They both like the singer but don’t know who it is, which leads to Grey smirking. I’m not telling you because I care or think that you should care, but because it’s clearly going to be a thing again later. Like, “It’s totes cool that my boyfriend still beats me because I got to ride in a glider! he stalked found that great singer! Swoon!!!!1″
Christian reveals that they will not be picked up in the abducticopter, but by Taylor because, “that way I can have you in the car all to myself for a few hours, at least.” It sounds so murdery coming from him, but he swears it’s just so that they can talk. You know, about the fact that she dumped him and he’s a lunatic who refuses to accept that and arranges to trap her in the car with him for extended periods of time.
Next time one of your friends claims Christian Grey is her dream man, you should really pass that info along to her exes.
Lor: A+
Sweeney: Christian tells Ana (while still in the restaurant, and since I know how E. L. James loves her car chat, I know this is going to be a long chapter) that he has a “proposition” for her, which reminds Ana and the reader that THIS ALL STARTED WITH A PROPOSITION. Officially adding “proposition” to my list of trauma words.
He has a proposition? What now? A couple of scenarios run through my mind: kidnap, working for him. No, nothing makes sense. Christian finishes paying.
LOL. I think the first one made plenty of sense. Full quote included to remind you of how James loves useless details.
Lor: Also, that somehow to Ana and in the context of this relationship, kidnapping is a proposition and not, you know, against the law.
Sweeney: In the car, Christian is “wearing his impassive face,” and it makes me want to re-use that Hannibal Lecter gif. Before he launches into the details of his proposition, he “reassures” Ana that Taylor can’t hear her. Ana, I don’t think that word means what you think it means. Personally, I heard that as, “Taylor can’t hear you scream.” Just me, though? All right.
Lor: Hope nobody honks their horn at Taylor in an “alerting you to danger!” kind of way…
Sweeney: Anyway, now that we’ve established whose face Christian is wearing and that nobody will be able to hear her scream, we can get down to business. First, Christian asks her how she wants her sex, specifically, whether she enjoys “kinky fuckery.” I appreciate the LOLZ, E. L. James. I mean, if I ignore the fact that Grey is ignoring his having been dumped meaning that this conversation just shouldn’t be a thing or, you know, any of the other information about either of these characters, I could just laugh.
Ana reiterates some shit that we already know. That she’s cool with kinky stuff in the bedroom, but she takes issue with her boyfriend wanting to hurt her for breaking arbitrary rules and resents the presence of the rules in the first place. Mostly it’s the non-sexy maliciously motivated beating, I think. Just a theory.
Grey once again acts like this is something she has never shared with him and faults her inability to communicate for the disintegration of their abusive relationship. This is pretty much the standard dynamic for the abuser and the abused in these situations.
Lor: This is really mind numbing, having him constantly accuse her of not being able to communicate about their relationship in the middle of their conversations about their relationships.
Sweeney: He wants to start again! He suggests they start over with “vanilla” sex and no rules and work their way up to Christian Grey Sex once he knows he, “can trust [her] to be honest and to communicate” with him. LOL.
Lor: Trust her to… not call the cops. Yep. That’s it.
Sweeney: He then launches into several paragraphs of wonderful traits that he often swears Ana has but the reader never sees. This, I guess, is what women love? Beatings and being degraded at every turn are cool as long as the compliments are quality? Blah, blah, he doesn’t feel he deserves her.
Returning the verbal hand job, Ana praises Christian Grey for things that the reader has never seen and insists that if he is willing to do this for her – stop abusing her and give up some of his psychopath ways – then she doesn’t deserve him. Then she’s all BAM! LAP! Sorry, as a tall girl, I still can’t get over the logistics of easily getting on someone’s lap in a car. You get there if you have to, but it’s not exceptionally comfortable.
This whole thing is getting a little torturous again, with Christian reiterating the hard limit on touching and Ana being all, “Why!?” BUT THEN, like a department store that doesn’t realize Thanksgiving hasn’t happened yet, Christmas came unseasonably early! Christian decides to answers her and the story begins: “One of the crack whore’s pimps.” I laughed for a good few minutes because, “The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia” remains the best sentence in this trilogy.
I realize, of course, that making a mockery of this fictional woman’s severely fucked up situation could make me an awful person, but E. L. James writing such characters inherently does that already.
Lor: And really, it’s the “now go to sleep,” that followed that sentence that ultimately sells it.
Sweeney: As it turns out, his mother wasn’t outright abusive, but “neglectful.” SEE, GUYS. THIS IS WHAT NEGLIGENT PARENTING PRODUCES. CHRISTIAN. FUCKING. GREY. All the beating came from the pimps. The crack whore’s pimps.
FYI, Lor, the beating in the prologue apparently didn’t end in her death. She killed herself.
Lor: Oh! WHOOPS! I just went back to see what I misunderstood. He says, “the sounds stops,” which I mistook for, you know, dying, but it was actually the sound stopping because he plugged his ears.
Uh…
Sweeney: I don’t know what to say because this is awkward snark territory.
Ana rests her head on Christian’s shoulders and imagines him as a little boy some more, because that’s a fun thing she does often in these books. Fortunately for us, she passes out.
Lor: Because seriously, after she hears about crack whores, she goes to sleep.
Sweeney: Unfortunately for me, the chapter isn’t over. Ana wakes up “blinking and stretching.” They get to Ana’s place and she’s bummed, because she assumed this abduction was legit. Christian decides that he won’t touch her again until she begs him to. I’m torn between (1) declaring this a shitty move because it once again reaffirms her weakness in this warped relationship, and (2) the feeling that he shouldn’t touch her at all, in light of everything.
He gives her a gift, which she opens up in her apartment. The box contains the laptop and blackberry she returned post-breakup (against our advice that she keep/sell them to pay her therapy bills) and a brand new iPad! It’s filled with music – a high-end Christian Grey mixed tape! Shiny stuff to blind me to the domestic violence! But will Ana, with the motor skills of an infant, be able to manage an iPad? Don’t worry: “Jack at the office has one, so I know how they work.” Ana, honey, I’ve seen toddlers operate iPads, so congratu-fucking-lations.
Ana spends several paragraphs playing with the iPad, gasping at each new thing she sees, which gives her this character-displaced-in-time vibe. Like Brendan Fraser in Blast from the Past.
The iPad is filled with pictures of them and a picture of the model glider that she got him which means OMGHEASSEMBLEDITFLAIL. There are books to remind us that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, Ana is supposed to be really! smart! due to her reading. I am reading this, and I am certain it is making me less intelligent by the page.
There’s a list of good food, so he can boss her around even when he’s not there. Then we move on to the music, which is supposed to be the essential point. (I swear that I’m giving you the condensed version of Ana and her iPad) Music is named either to reference the fact that it was mentioned in FSoG or to demonstrate Ana and Grey are cool. After much deliberation, she decides to play “Try” by Nellie Furtado, and launches into a two paragraph analysis of how the presence of this song on her iPad must mean that Christian Grey is going to TRY to not be such a stalking serial killer. The music continues and she cries because it’s a playlist apology. I guess this is now a middle school relationship, severed when the boyfriend was caught holding another girl’s hand at lunch, because that is the only scenario in which this is an acceptable apology.
Lor: Really glad this wasn’t my chapter because confession: I read NONE of the iPad descriptions. Mostly because: WHO THE FUCK CARES?
Sweeney: IT WAS SO MANY PAGES.
The playlist apology crap finally ends so we can start another one of those delightful email exchanges. Hooray! It’s just a reiteration of stuff we already know, though at one point Ana adds:
PS: I also note that you included the Stalker’s Anthem, “Every Breath You Take.” I do enjoy your sense of humor, but does Dr. Flynn know?
Ana, this would be funny if there wasn’t already a body of irrefutable evidence that he is, in fact, your stalker.
She refuses to beg and he insists that she will, before ordering her to bed via email. She pulls her abducticopter balloon out from its hiding place and hugs it while she falls asleep listening to her Sorry I Caused You Actual Trauma playlist, and dreaming of making him one too.
Coincidentally, I am writing this well after I should be asleep. Thanks, E. L. James, for helping me cry myself to sleep.
Murmur count – 3
Whisper count – 9
(Ana also swallows a statement in this chapter! That must be what Grey sees in her.)
Favorite comment last post: “So I saw an article the other day about a British charity for battered women turning the pages of these books into toilet paper. BEST. Thing. EVER. http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/11/07/charity-to-use-50-shades-of-grey-as-toilet-paper/” – Hanna
Because, you know, fuck yeah.
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: More music on Ana’s iPad. Seriously. Find out what’s next on shuffle in Chapter 3.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
