Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 06 – Balls.

Previously: Ana called Grey out for taking her to a salon in his Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums, but when the Ghost of Submissives Past got a gun, he insisted that she go to his place and her temporary spine disappeared and she reverted to her usual doormat self.

Sweeney: The last chapter ended with what appeared to be a fade to black on sex, but obviously it actually just meant that it was deferred to me! Hooray! (Granted, Lor got stuck with lipstick bodymapping. Everybody loses here.) Although they hardly rank on the list of poor choices in the creation of these novels (item #1 is “the creation of these novels”) the chapter breaks are super weird.

Typical sloppy, clunky, unsexy E. L. James writing. Ana’s devouring Grey and he’s devouring her and everybody’s just devouring, and this just does not sound like a pleasant description of a kiss. It reminds me of that reality show I never watched, but I saw commercials for it, and it was about people whose first kiss was on their wedding day. Seeing the commercial of that first kiss nearly caused me death by secondhand embarrassment every time I saw it. That’s what I picture when you tell me that kissing involves repeated use of the word devouring.

Lor: Believe it or not, this is now the second time a gif from that show is used in one of these Fifty Shades posts. The first time was way back when it was just me, suffering alone, and Ana had never kissed anyone ever. 2/2 Snark Ladies now agree!

Sweeney: I REMEMBER THAT NOW. Anyway, yes. 2/2!

In the last chapter, Grey basically tried to sidestep an argument with sex, like he always does. He told her some bullshit about how this is the only way that he can know if their relationship is all right. (L: Uh, talking? NOPE. WORDS ARE HARD.) So while Grey’s alternating between devouring and worship-nipple-sucking, Ana’s inner-monologuing about how incredible it is that she can have this effect on him.

In other words: the highest achievement a woman can attain in a relationship is making her boyfriend want to fuck her. If you can do that, if you can get him to really really want to fuck you, then you are awesome, and your relationship is totally incredible. You should probably be so appreciative of this great gift that you ignore legitimate relationship concerns like the fact that your boyfriend stalks and abuses you. And probably wants to murder you later.

To be fair, Ana also ruminates on how this – sex – is what he does so well. This is the only contribution either of them make to this relationship.

Lor: Pausing here to note that as he’s worship-nipple-sucking (seriously. Ana equates nipple sucking to “veneration.”) Ana thinks, “Boy, I want him inside me, now.”

Well, golly gee willikers! That didn’t weirdly remind me of Mickey Mouse mid-sex scene, or anything strange like that.

Also, for those now keeping score at home, yes, her nipples elongate.

Sweeney: Afterwards, he tells her she’s pretty, and talks about how every guy ever wants to be all up on Ana, and gives his millionth YOU ARE MINE RAHHHH speech. Ana wants to explore the “treasure map” they drew on him in the last chapter. She touches him in the safe zones, but he’s still weird about it.

Lor: I laughed way too long when she “bravely trace[s] the mark on his shoulder with [her] index finger. He stiffens, blinking suddenly.”

UH, WTF? How do you blink suddenly?

DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT BLINK? IT CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! IT WAS SO SUDDEN.

Sweeney: BLINK SNEAK ATTACK.

They talk about Mrs. Rape a bit and how Grey refuses to talk to her about it because it makes her go crazy, which is fucking ridiculous. Withholding information because you have decided for her that it’s for her own good is just one Christian Grey’s many rage-inducing charms. They have sex again, but fortunately for me it’s a fade to black.

Ana takes a shower and marvels over how much Christian revealed to her today. This is an interesting way to look at it, since she pretty much had to beg him for every bit of information that he so generously revealed. It’s news to her that he’s so rich for someone so young, because she’s a moron. She also briefly considers snooping through his filing cabinet of submissives.

It’s a dated joke, but it needs to be made: Romney’s binder full of women has nothing on Christian Grey’s filing cabinet full of submissives.

Lor: A+

Sweeney: Now that we have that out of the way, E. L. James still doesn’t know how her American character should spell shit like “pedo.” Ana decides that Grey is probably right to tell her that she should stop worrying her pretty little head about Mrs. Rape because it just upsets her. She clearly has no concern for how much her fictional existence upsets me, though. Ana thinks about GSP, though not to focus on the gun-having probably-wanting-us-both-dead thing, rather, the fact that GSP’s shitty music is on Christian’s iPod. Ana’s priorities, ladies and gentlemen.

She then sadpanda inner-monologues about how Christian Grey will probably want to start “beating the crap out of [her]” again soon. Quotes to assure you all that Ana is actually aware of the situation, as I headdesk. Her subconscious – the one I almost feel bad for – just stares at her blankly. Ana does not fill in the thoughts of her subconscious, because she is “for once offering no snarky words of wisdom.” No, girl, she’s given up on your hopeless, pathetic self, and has probably just resolved to wait for your death. Or maybe that’s just me.

Lor: I’m not sure how exactly E.L. James managed to write “maybe we can make it work” and “until he wants to beat the crap out of me” in the same paragraph and then made the world believe this was a best selling, romantic novel. This is that moment I have once per chapter where I question the judgement of anyone who has ever claimed to like this tripe.

Beat. The Crap. Out of her.

Sweeney: Ana tells us the price and fabric of everything she’s selecting from her closet/drawers, including her underwear. Grey comes in and oggles her in her expensive underwear. He wants her to keep the silver ball things up her vajay during the big event that his parents are hosting. These books are primarily either rage inducing or boring as hell. Occasionally they are unintentionally funny. I forget that sometimes there is just a genuine ick factor apart from the hulksmash and lolz. It is that in mind that I ask: Why do events with his parents keep inspiring sex for Grey?

This whole “plot” point is weird and I don’t understand why it is happening, but I’m sure I won’t like it. While they discuss this, Christian promises never to spank Ana again, even if she begs. Sounds like bullshit to me. Ana of course agrees to the ludicrous plan. His, “Good girl. Come here and I’ll put them in once you’ve put your shoes on,” response only solidifies the ick by infantilizing Ana in conjunction with something sex related for the thousandth time.

Her shoes, by the by, are $3,295 Louboutins. (1) Probably a made up number. (2) I don’t understand why Grey left all these price tags on. (3) The actual issue here is how fucking unfair it is that Ana gets to have nice things and we do not, given that she sucks and we do not. (4) I hate this book. I just feel the need to remind everyone of that as often as possible.

Lor: UGH, of course I had to immediately Google search $3,295 Louboutins. BECAUSE IT’S WHAT I DO. I found a couple of pairs, though the most legit looking ones are these ones at Barneys.com that kind of look like a mermaid pooped them out:

Ana can have them.

Sweeney: I still resent it.

Balls in place, Christian gives Ana a present of some Cartier earrings that he was going to give her before, “but then she left him.” Ana and Grey call them second-chance earrings, but they are clearly guilt-trip / sorry-my-domestic-violence-was-totally-your-fault earrings. He leaves and she puts on a silver satin dress, which is the first time in ages she’s worn a dress that isn’t Kate’s. A moment of silence for Kate’s dress, which is now probably so fucking gross that Goodwill wouldn’t accept it.

Ana joins Christian for champagne. She notes that when offered she says, “Please,” a little too quickly, but I disagree because NEEDS MOAR BOOZE is kind of my general feeling about reading these books.

 

Anywho, Grey has another present for Ana! This is going to be a masked ball! GENUINE LAUGHTER TIME FOR ME! Have they never seen a fucking movie? You have a lunatic with a gun after you and you’re going to a masked ball? This has Gossip Girl written all over it, except that in spite of that train wreck that show has become, this is still an insult to Gossip Girl. But hooray for us, because my AND THEN SHE DIES edit is starting to feel within reach.

Also, we learn that Taylor is like ex-military or some other not-actually-given explanation for why he’s “trained” to be some sort of BAMF lead body guard. I accept this without question because it goes nicely with my headcanon in which Taylor kills them both later.

Grey decides that he has to show Ana his library for no apparent reason, other than he just realizes that he has never given her a tour. How have we reached this point in this cracked out relationship and have Ana still not know about something as significant as the presence of a library in his apartment? Has she been anywhere besides the two bedrooms and the red room of domestic abuse?

Lor: NOPE. Oh, and the kitchen, ’cause she has to be able to make him a sammich.

I love the non-suspense James creates here too. “He opens it, revealing a large room roughly the same sizes as his playroom… This one is filled with books. Wow, a library…“

A large room with books in it, you say? What could it be? What could it possibly be?

Wow. A library.

Sweeney: This bit was apparently inserted so that we can learn that he also has a pool table and that Ana learned how to play while bonding with Josecob, which she does not share with Christian now but will probably cause him to go all murderfaced on her later.

The car ride is shared in all its boring detail. More stuff with the balls. Guys, this is a legit question: does this sound appealing to you? Ana’s all WOO I’M ALL HORNY, but, like, she’s just supposed to be stupidly turned on without any actual release for hours while she’s at a party? Hosted by her abuser’s boyfriend’s parents? That’s the plan? This whole arrangement sounds fucking miserable to me.

Lor: Legit? Putting aside that thinking too much about these characters and sex seriously makes me never want to eat again? I’m on the no train. Being horny around my SO’s parents and other assorted strangers would be enough to make me not horny. But then you have the balls all, “NOPE. SUCKER. BE HORNY AGAIN.” So, yeah. Miserable.

Sweeney: RIGHT?

When they get to his house there are photographers: one for party souvenirs and one is a photographer for The Seattle Times. Ana considers that this is how GSP found her, but it’s totes whatever now because SHE’S TOTALLY UNRECOGNIZABLE BENEATH HER MASK. No seriously, I saw this episode of Gossip Girl.

Lor: I love you.

Sweeney: Mia/Alice spots them and insists that Ana come meet her friends. Lily(/Jessica?) says that they all thought Christian was gay and then Mia/Alice basically calls Lily(/Jessica?) out for being jealous because she’s in lurve with Grey. Since Jessica Stanley is the one source of genuine excellence in the Twilight films, and I now can’t help but picture Anna Kendrick, I just want to assure Lily(/Jessica?) that she’s infinitely better off. Not that anyone is listening to me, but, you know. Whatever.

This chapter is seriously boring, in spite of the promise of a Murder Mystery Masquerade Ball. Ana gets introduced to people. Christian’s grandma encourages them to get married, and Mia/Alice introduces Christian to Sean/Jasper. I feel for Sean/Jasper because Grey is a protective older brother and we all know this his version of protective has a murdery vibe to it.

Lor: I love how selective these masks are right now. The grand parents are all “Ana you so pretty!” but she’s unrecognizable under her mask? But then she can totally tell when Lily(/Jessica?) is blushing. But THEN she’s super thankful for her mask because the G-parents can’t see her blushing. WTF.

Is this the boredom talking?

Sweeney: The boredom is also giving me a lot of time to consider how ashamed I am of my Twilight knowledge and I really don’t like it. I can only handle being disappointed by one awful life choice at a time. THIS IS MORE SHAME AND REGRET THAN I CAN HANDLE AT ONCE, GUYS.

 

Anyway, Carrick/Carlisle (Grey’s dad) starts this really boring murder-free charity event. The charity is called “Coping Together.” It’s very dear to their hearts. The only kinds of coping I can presently fathom involve abuse and neglect and death and rape. I realize that this is actually the most generic name ever and could apply to coping with pretty much any shitty thing and so I must calm down. Maybe we can name the comments section on Fifty Shades posts “Coping Together.”

Lor: BEST. However, we should probably be upfront and admit that the alcohol at our “Coping Together” is probably a lot cheaper.

Sweeney: Every table has to pick a table head (Mia/Alice volunteers) and everyone is asked to fish out large bills and put them in an envelope. Ana feels all guilty for not bringing money and promises to pay Christian back for the $100 bill he gives her, which is stupid. Just to make sure we gather that this event, like basically everything else in this chapter, has been doused in sparkles and monies, Ana reads the fancy silver calligraphy menu, which contains really fancy expensive things, cooked over a fire fortified by hundred dollar bills.

Ana and Christian whisper about how much they both want to go have sex, but using the hunger = sex thing that E. L. James is so fond of, in her limited command of the English language. This conversation is interrupted by Grey’s grandpa, but only I seem to find this awkward. He wants to talk to her about baby!Grey, so Ana can think of Christian as a child, while she has silver balls up her vagina. Again, I am the only one who appears to find this awkward.

Lor: I’m giggle-dying over here. This won’t be published for a little while, but rest assured dear reader, that whenever you finally do read this sentence, I will probably still be giggling.

That’s my way of +1’ing the awkward.

Sweeney: They do a drawing with the envelopes of hundred dollar bills and Sean/Jasper wins. Ana excuses herself to the bathroom, because apparently having giant balls in your vagina all night is distracting. Grey starts to join her, but Mia/Alice insists on taking her to the bathroom, and they both have to accept the cockblock. I laugh at their sexual frustration and general discomfort.

Lor: Life Lesson y’all: Don’t plan on being able to have sex at a charity event because you never know when your rambunctious sister will cockblock. Something like that.

Sweeney: When Ana returns to the table, sans balls but still sexually frustrated, they start the auction, which is another excuse to gush over Christian Grey’s riches, because he donated a week at his condo in Aspen. She asks him where else he owns property, and he’s oddly secretive about it, probably because one of his properties is a storage facility for the bodies of his victims.

Also, this sentence happens: “I pout and I realize that I’m still querulous, and no doubt, it’s the frustrating effect of the balls.”

 

Lor: It’s amazing that you used this gif specifically because this chapter features a number of times where Grey weirdly parts his lips or his mouth makes a perfect “o” or he mouth breathes. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH CHRISTIAN GREY.

Sweeney: Ana notices that Mrs. Rape is on the list of big donors and she’s pissed. She tries to see Mrs. Rape in the crowd, but can’t. Then the bidding for Grey’s week in Aspen goes up to $20,000 and then Ana suddenly decides to waste the $24,000 in car money she didn’t want by bidding on that. She wins. I’m pissed because while that’s but a fraction of my student loan debt, it’d be a nice fraction to have cleared out and FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T DESERVE ANY OF THE NICE THINGS.

At least the chapter is over.

 

Murmur Count – 14
Whisper Count – 7

Favorite comment in last week’s Coping Together: “Yesterday, I was sitting next to a girl on the bus who was reading. She closed the book and turned to her friend who was sitting behind her. “Reading on the bus is making me sick,” she told him. I look at the book: Fifty Shades of Grey. No, honey. Reading that vile piece of absolute and inane garbage is making you sick because it’s currently slaughtering every brain cell you might have in that head of yours. Stop wrongfully blaming the bus.” – Nikki

Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: How pissed is Grey that Ana just used his own money to bid on his own property? Find out in FSD – Chapter 7.