Saved by the Bell S03 E24-25 – Or Zack Morris is still a douche on Christmas break.

This post is part of our Very Snarky Holiday Special. Today we welcome the amazing Gina of This is Not Your Blog.

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Home for Christmas

Gina: Some TV shows do Christmas specials right (See: The Office’s “A Benihana Christmas”) and some… don’t. Saved By The Bell, of course, falls into the latter category.

Lorraine: I was beyond happy when Gina decided to do this episode. Y’all know how I love me some Saved by the Bell.

Gina: The gang is on Christmas break, and while they think they’re going to earn some extra cash by working part-time seasonal jobs, they really learn how to be charitable to really attractive needy people.

Sweeney: It’s a tried and true lesson around Traumaland that ugly people are gross, so I understand. Of course, so are poor people, so it’s important that charity comes with a healthy dose of feeling superior.

Gina: We open up the show at Zack’s house, where a half dozen one-liners are traded so that we can get a rundown of everybody’s personality in thirty seconds. In case you’re unaware: Zack is a slacker, Screech is oblivious, Lisa thinks Screech is dumb, Slater is a misogynist, Jessie is a feminist, and Kelly is pretty. (S: LOL, it’s true; that is her entire character.) They eat some cookies and, luckily for us, the internets noticed that Zack bit the arm off his gingerbread man cookie (which he thinks is a gingerbread woman) first, making it look shockingly like a very specific part of a man. I present to you the Zack Morris Thinks He’s Eating A Girl But Is Actually Munching A Penis gif:

 

Sweeney: I love the internet.

Lor: Well, my Christmas is made.

Gina: We then have some expository dialog so that everybody can tell us that they have part-time seasonal jobs that these supposed best friends had no idea about until right this second. The gang all agrees to buy gifts for the kids at the hospital because they’re all charitable like that. (Charitable Act #1.)

We then smash-cut to a slew of scenes showing us that Slater and Jessie are both really bad at their part-time seasonal jobs. Which is surprising, because I thought teens were all talented and responsible and stuff. Since Zack is hanging out in the food court, he is on hand to witness the poor job performance of both his friends, because the gift wrap station and Santa photo booth are generally set up in the middle of the food court, and there are only fifteen people in the mall one week before Christmas.

Sweeney: This is one of many reasons I often feel let down by the fact that the real world does not reflect what Saved By The Bell promised me. I feel so lied to.

Gina: Zack then – literally – bumps into a pretty girl named Laura.

Now let’s be honest, by a sixteen year old’s standards, and by nineties grooming standards, Zack Morris was a very attractive young man. So you know he’s being a skeezeball when a girl looks at him like this:

Seriously, dude, nobody should ever use the two-handed handshake with a girl he’s trying to score with.

Sweeney: It’s way too aggressive. Calm down, Zack Morris. It’s a sign of how much this blog has ruined me that my next thought is now, “I bet Christian Grey would do that.”

Lor: Christian Grey is definitely a double pumper. Also, I probably should’ve realized from the title that this post would probably work really hard to shame me out of my early-life crush on Zack.

So far, so good.

Gina: I, too, love Zack Morris.

I mean, “loved”… as in… past tense. *ahem*

Laura drops her “lunch,” which is a single, shiny apple. Zack acts surprised, and she claims to be on a diet. She’s pretty skinny, even by TV girl standards, so OF COURSE, Zack says, “Why? You look pretty good to me.” *smirk* To which her response is to beam like she’s just been awarded an Olympic medal because being skinny AND pretty is the best.

She scampers off, Zack thinks there’s “something different about her” and then vows to find out where she works. Which is pretty dumb, considering he could have just followed her.

Screech does something dumb, so Zack and Screech are in the bathroom when a man comes in and checks the phones for change. Can we talk for just a moment about how the phones are IN the bathroom?

Sweeney: I can’t find a good image, but it reminds me of when Joey got his fancy apartment and he was super excited about the bathroom phone and Monica was all, “Yeah, never call me on that.” I’d give a general +1 to that.

Gina: The guy gives Screech the priceless advice to use a dryer to dry his pants. These are high school students who couldn’t figure out how to use a DRYER to DRY their pants. The guy starts shaving, and then looks really lightheaded for a moment. Zack and Screech have a whisper-yell conversation about how the guy must be homeless. Zack then becomes Mr. Magnanimous and puts twelve dollars into the pay phone coin return slot. He can’t just walk away and be subtle, though. He not only tells the guy about the money, but wishes him a Merry Christmas, all while wearing the most self-satisfied smirk of ever. (Charitable Act #2.)

 

Sweeney: I mean, what good is charity if you’re not being praised for it, AMIRITE? No? Oh.

Lor: I’m sorry, I was focused on that sweater. Ew.

Gina: In a Supreme Act of Contrivance, Laura works with Kelly. So, when Zack is “looking” for Laura, he stops in to visit Kelly. Let me be clear: Zack is tracking down one girl and stops to visit his fallback girl.

Homeless Guy walks in and waves to Laura, but Zack manages to not see. After much “Oh, the poor homeless man” back and forth, Zack tells Laura that he gave the homeless man money (Charitable Act Used for Personal Gain #1.) Then he accuses the guy of being an alcoholic “or worse” and Laura walks away.

Zack spends some time pouting about not being on a lunch date with Laura and Lisa makes an unintentionally dirty joke about Zack not having anything to lick.

Kelly and Laura both show up at lunch, since most employers let two employees go to lunch at the same time during the busiest time of the year. Zack apologizes by saying he doesn’t know any poor people (or that poor people are the ones without cable, same dif.)

Lor: HUH? “I’m sorry I didn’t know not to be mean to poor people because I don’t know any poor people?”

ZACK. STOP SHAMING ME.

Gina: We cannot be expected to be nice to people we do not already know, Lor. Sheesh. It’s not like I can just “assume” that everybody has “feelings” or “rights” or whatever.

Kelly, Slater, and Screech all intervene on Zack’s behalf and Laura actually stays. She makes some vague and uninteresting conversation and Zack gives her all of his food (Charitable Act #3.)

Sweeney: Thanks, Zack, for confirming the rule about Traumaland characters general views of poor people.

Gina: Zack takes Laura to visit Santa, where we see Jessie yell at a kid.

Side Note: I happened to work at one of the photo booths all through high school, and I have very little memory of ever actually interacting with a kid. Maybe they were that terrible and I blocked it out, but I suspect this is just one of those “haha, bratty kids are funny” moments.

Zack and Laura take their picture with Santa, with Laura sitting on Santa’s lap (I do remember plenty of females of an inappropriate age sitting on Santa’s lap, so there’s that). Laura very seriously leans in and asks Santa for something.

Zack then asks Jessie how much they need to pay for the picture and Santa says no charge. I call BS on this.

1) The prices are very clear in these places. They charge an arm and a leg and they need you to know it right up front.

b) Santa is not in charge of this stuff. He’s just an employee, same as the “elves.” (less than the elves, really, since he can’t even go to Cinnabon on his break) And

dog) One of the big perks of being a teenager is that you get free stuff at all the places your friends work.

Zack then gives Laura a candy cane, which is gray area in the douche-rating-system, but Zack’s mom turns up and calls him on it. Her exact line? “Still luring girls with candy, Zack?”

She then mentions that there’s a Christmas play being held in the mall and that the whole gang is off work on Christmas Eve and performing in the play, because OF COURSE. Laura wants to be in the play and Zack’s mom assures her that “all store owners would love to have their employees in the play” even though it means being short-staffed during the busiest season.

Sweeney: I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the entire concept of the mall organizing a play consisting of mall employees. Aside from the staffing issue and the fact that this performance would almost certainly suck, a play is super involved and requires sustained attention for an activity that is not spending money. (As opposed to, for example, people singing or a talent show or some other thing that you only half pay attention for a minute or two before continuing on to buy all the things.)

 

Gina: We see some more “Haha, Slater is bad at his job” stuff and Homeless Guy shows up to kindly ask for some wrapping paper scraps. Slater, without asking his boss,  gives him a couple rolls and some bows for free (Charitable Act #4.)

Lor: And later gets arrested for stealing.

JUST KIDDING.

Gina: I want to point out here that I feel really awkward calling him “Homeless Guy,” despite the fact that this is EXACTLY how he’s referred to in the show up to this point. He does not yet have a name or any other identifying characteristics. He’s just “that poor homeless man” or “the homeless guy from earlier.” I just want you all to know that this is Bayside Insensitivity, and not Gina’s Insensitivity.

Anyway, Homeless Guy collapses, and Zack, Screech, and Slater all rush to help him. Everybody moves out of the way for the three teenagers who think they might have learned how to give CPR last year. Slater shakes Homeless Guy and yell-asks him if he is okay. They perform some questionable CPR complete with a mouth guard, because, ew, he’s homeless and we don’t know where his mouth has been.

We then smash-cut all awkward-like to Kelly cheerfully announcing that she’s off work (to be fair, there was probably a commercial break for Frosted Flakes, Nike Pump sneakers, and Hypercolor T-shirts in between these scenes), and we see Laura mooning over Zack. Then we find out that Laura’s & Kelly’s boss is a jerk. We know this because he thinks employees ought to “work” when they’re on the schedule and not have days off three days after they start.

Sweeney: Ew. That’s annoyingly similar to a boss in the real world, and not the magical Saved By The Bell universe to which we all wish we belonged.

Gina: The rest of the gang shows up to announce that the Homeless Guy is in the hospital and they take Kelly with them to go visit Lisa at her job in the hospital (contrivance warning) (also, Charitable Act #5).

While in the children’s ward of the hospital, Zack makes a joke about “allowing” his wife to leave the house and Slater wears a sleeveless elf costume because we can’t go one episode without seeing his biceps (Charitable Act #6?). (S: A+) (Lor: LOL. Tights.)

The gang decides to visit that Homeless Guy. Since a girl who works in admitting knows everything about every person in the entire hospital, which must be the only hospital in Los Angeles, they find out he’s in room 306. The guys enter Homeless Guy’s room and find Laura. She’s his daughter.

Dun-dun-duuuunnnnnn! Fade to black.

Lor: Now that that’s no longer a “spoiler” I’ll admit that I almost made fun of her outfit when we first met her, and then remembered she was homeless.

I’m getting coal for Christmas.

Gina: I was going to snark on her for being too skinny, so… coal it is.

In the opening scene of the second part, Homeless Guy (who still does not have a name) makes some jokes about being homeless, and Zack gives him a package of poorly wrapped cookies (Charitable Act #7). Zack invites them over for dinner and they cheerfully accept.

At dinner, they make jokes about eating too much, and about homeless people being “different kinds” of people. Homeless Guy tells their story, which is pretty standard: layoffs, eviction, can’t get a job because of systemic flaws. Everybody agrees that Laura’s boss is a jerk! for not letting her be off work for the Christmas play. There are more double-handed-handshakes, and Zack and Laura make goo-goo eyes at each other less than a foot away from their parents. It’s a fabulously awkward scene, and it ends abruptly.

The next morning, Zack tries to force Laura to eat a dozen donuts (Charitable Act #8) and then they have a deep conversation about the Little Things You Miss When You’re Homeless. Like privacy and chatty phone calls in your bedroom.

If I was homeless, I would probably miss a lot of things before I’d miss chatty phone calls in my bedroom, but hey, I’m not sixteen.

Lor: or, “an idiot.”

Gina: We cut to Kelly and Laura at work, and Kelly convinces Laura to ask their jerk!boss for an advance on her salary. Jerk!boss says no, much to Laura’s dismay.

I mean, COME ON. She’s been working there for TWO DAYS, and will likely be working there for at least EIGHT MORE DAYS before the Christmas season ends. Why can’t she have enough money advanced to her so that she can buy a jacket that is likely more than she’ll make that entire time? Sheesh.

(nobody mentions the fact that Laura’s job was – according to the conversation the night before – the only income she and her Dad have and that impulsively spending all of her wages on a jacket instead of on food, gas for the car that they live in, etc might not be what Laura’s dad had in mind)

Kelly implores jerk!boss to change his mind, and uses Laura’s homelessness to plead the case. Jerk!boss says he never would have hired her if he’d known she was one of “those people.” (okay… I’ll admit this is a genuine jerk move.)

Sweeney:

Lor: BUFFY GIF! This is the next episode we’ll post and in this scene the Scoobies are all being jerks. Nice pick.

Gina: Zack shows up in full Dickensian costume, picks up Kelly, and asks jerk!boss to let Laura be in the play also. Zack works his magic, Laura is allowed to leave (Charitable Act #9), leaving one girl to run the store by herself. She is left behind because she doesn’t wear tight pants, I just know it. Kelly sneaks the aforementioned jacket off the mannequin and asks the loose-pants girl to hide it for her.

They put on a condensed version of A Christmas Carol with eight of the worst British accents ever heard on television, ever. (S: They are shockingly even worse that David Boreanaz attempting an Irish accent.) Some are going for a cockney-type of accent, some are going for a Yorkshire-sort-of-thing, and at least two of them seem to think they are channeling Queen Victoria herself.

This train wreck of a scene lasts for – no joke – six minutes. That is more than 25% of this particular episode, which is made worse by the fact that three full minutes was spent on a recap of last week’s episode.

After this scene finally wraps, we head back to the store where Kelly, Laura, and Loose Pants girl work. The jacket that Kelly had Loose Pants Girl hide is, of course, still hidden, and jerk!boss assumes Laura stole it. She runs away in shame. He calls the police, who take an inordinately long time to answer the phone. So long, in fact, that Kelly has time to explain what happened and that she was going to buy the jacket (Charitable Act #10).

The gang commences a search for Laura. They feel all the feels, and we hear lots of Mournful Piano of Guilt music in the background. Zack does come through in one brief shining moment of non-douche-baggery, though: he reminds them all that jerk!boss is the one responsible for this mess. (I despise misplaced guilt, and I like that they at least place blame on the right person in this instance). (S: Snark-free sidebar: misplaced guilt is one of my least favorite things too and it infuriates me when I see it in TV shows/movies/books/life.)

Slater says a “woman saw a girl matching Laura’s description in the parking lot.” A skinny blonde girl in a mall parking lot in Los Angeles? IT MUST BE LAURA.

Lor: Maybe they told that woman to look for someone “homelessy.”

Gina: That actually makes a lot of sense. We’ll go with that.

Anyway, they search all of Los Angeles and find Laura and her dad about two hours later in a Christmas tree lot, living out of their car (yes, actively living out of their car at that precise moment).

Zack’s mom invites them over for dinner again (Charitable Act #11), since it’s Christmas Eve and all, and they accept.

At Zack’s house, everybody is there, despite the fact that

1) this is Christmas Eve and they all have part-time seasonal jobs that would require them to be working

b) this is Christmas Eve and they all have families who would want them home

cat) this is Christmas Eve and Screech is plainly Jewish (though Hanukkah did end long before Christmas that particular year, so who knows)

After Zack turns on the world’s most pathetic TV Christmas tree, Kelly marches in with jerk!boss in tow. Jerk!boss presents Laura’s dad (AKA Homeless Guy) with the Jacket That Was Hidden By Loose Pants Girl (AKA The Jacket That Caused Laura To Get Fired) (Also AKA The Jacket That Will Change The World… oops. spoilers.).(Also: Charitable Act #12)

Homeless Guy puts the jacket on, everybody gets misty eyed, and they sing Silent Night. Homeless Guy plays the piano and sings well enough to make a pretty penny playing gigs this time of year, but nobody suggests that he make money with his talents. That would be callous.

They all just know the world is going to be better. Because Homeless Guy now has a nice jacket.