Buffy the Vampire Slayer S03 E09 – If wishes were horses, we’d all be in a hell dimension

Previously: Spike came back!! Willow and Xander made out some more, and got busted, Cordy got impaled by rebar, and Buffy told Angel she couldn’t be friends with him. Basically, soap opera central, except without any evil twins.

The Wish

Kirsti: We open in the park on a sunny day, where a squid demon beastie is strangling Buffy. Xander’s lying on the ground surrounded by picnic supplies while Willow is rummaging through Buffy’s stuff looking for a weapon. “What kills a demon??” she asks in a panic, and Strangled Buffy replies “NERF!” This makes me laugh because my brother moved in with his best friend last month, and the first thing they did was set up the nerf guns. For demon slaying purposes, obviously. Anyway, Willow correctly interprets that Buffy means a KNIFE, and tosses her one. Buffy gets her stab on, and the demon’s dead. The trio stand over him, and Willow says “Isn’t he going to go poof?” Apparently squid demons don’t do that. Because what you really want after nearly being killed by Cthulhu is to dig a grave for it. YAY.

Sweeney:  I love when you demonstrate your Resident Buffy Expert status.

K: Uhhhhhh… It’s less a case of showing my Resident Buffy Expert status, and more a case of showing my extreme nerdiness… You should probably go and Google Cthulu now.

Sweeney: This has been your daily installment of Sweeney Doesn’t Know Things Other People Know.

Lor: I have an ex-boyfriend who used to swear by Cthulu, so I rather wish I didn’t know the reference.

K: SORRY LOR. The gang discuss Faith and her conspicuous absence before changing the topic to the events of the previous episode. Xander says that it’s Oz and Cordy’s fault for bursting in to rescue them without knocking. Uh. Whut. I’m pretty sure Willow’s expression at this point bears a striking resemblance to mine:

I, however, am not wearing the Overalls of Shame and Sadness. So yay me! “Your logic does NOT resemble our Earth logic,” Buffy says to Xander, and I have to admit that I use that line on an almost daily basis.

Sweeney: I LOVE THIS LINE. I need it in gif form to add to every FSD post.

Lor: BAM:

I’m incredibly proud of my gif hunting skillz right now.

K: Willow is all, “at least there’s school tomorrow…”, and Buffy supports her focus-on-my-studies attitude. Which, LOL. There’s a first time for everything, apparently. What Willow actually meant was “there’s school tomorrow and that means I’ll get to see Oz and grovel.” Xander asks for advice on how to deal with romance debacles, on account of Buffy had the biggest one ever. “I have you guys”, she says.

Lor: Further LOL’s mostly because Buffy has confided in them about 0% and they’ve been about 2% supportive.

K: At that, we cut to a photo of Cordy, Xander, Willow and Buffy. Cordey hacks it apart with scissors while increasingly desperate messages from Xander play on her answering machine and the Mopey Piano and the Oboe of Sadness plays in the background. Cordy, who looks seriously rough and is sporting a massive bandage around her midriff, puts the photo bits into a bowl and sets them on fire, watching Xander’s face burn. Roll credits.

At school the next day, Willow is spying on Oz’s locker, waiting for him to turn up. Buffy approaches, and asks if Xander has seen Cordy yet. Willow replies in the negative but says that Cordy’s definitely coming to school because Amy saw her at the mall the night before, and also Cordy looked really…scary. We cut to the car park where Cordy, dressed in a blood coloured leather skirt and jacket, is getting out of her convertible. (S: GET IT, GIRL.) She walks into school looking nervous, until Harmony and the other popular girls approach to give her air kisses. Harmony introduces Anya, who’s new. Anya compliments Cordy’s Prada bag, and I’m sorry but I have to do this:

Sweeney: A+ / 1430.

K: Anyway, Harmony’s all “ZOMG, I couldn’t believe it when I heard!” and then implies that Cordy faked the whole being impaled by rebar thing so that she could take a week off and pretend that she’d never dated Xander. The girl who played Whitney in Bring It On steps in to say that Cordy needs to get back on the horse. Harmony says that he’s got just the guy for Cordy, and drags her over to Jonathan. “I’m pretty sure he won’t cheat on you,” Harmony says with a giggle, and Cordy looks hurt. WORST. FRIEND. EVER.

Sweeney: Right!?

K: Cut to Oz approaching his locker. Willow tries to apologise, and he tells her to leave him alone because he needs time to sort things out.  Willow starts to get teary and wants to talk about it, but Oz won’t have a bar of it and walks away.

Lor: I love his speech. In all this, Willow keeps talking about how much she wants Oz to forgive her, how much it hurts her to know he is mad, but I think Oz rightly points out that it’s coming from a selfish place. Willow wants to talk to Oz to make herself feel better, for absolution, and he deserves better than that.

K: Downstairs, Cordy sees Xander approaching, and grabs hold of a passing football player. She asks him if she has anything in her teeth, and moves her head from side to side so that to Xander it looks (rather unconvincingly) like they’re kissing. He gets a hurt look and scarpers. Cordy, meanwhile, plays catch up with Football Player. He basically blows her off because he doesn’t want to be seen with “Xander Harris’ cast-off.” The students of Sunnydale are on FIRE with the empathy today.

Sweeney: And then he wants to take her some place private. TRYING TO HIDE HOOKING UP WITH CHARISMA CARPENTER? You shut your mouth, dickface.

K: Seriously. Cordy turns around and bumps into Anya, who gets all “please be friends with me, Harmony’s dumb as a box of hammers.” Cordy compliments her necklace, which Anya says is “an actual old thing“, a good luck charm from her dad. They bond over the suckiness of Xander, and Cordy says that she’s going to show Xander just how over him she is.

Sweeney: This conversation is one of the I LOVE KNOWING THE FUTURE moments.

K: Cut to the Bronze where Cordy flirts with boys while throwing Xander “Just look at me now!” glances at regular intervals.

 Xander tries to make himself look cool by laughing at nothing, causing Buffy and Willow to give him “WTF??” expressions. He asks for a little support, and Buffy and Willow say that Cordy’s kind of entitled to it. He makes a little carpe diem speech, and the girls agree that they should stop moping and appreciate being young and free in America. That lasts all of ten seconds before Buffy goes off in search of chocolate to make them feel better instead.

Sweeney: A strategy we approve of around here.

K: So much. Meanwhile, Cordy heads outside. Buffy follows, and tells Cordy that she just wants to see how she’s doing. Just as they’re doing the “sharing makes it hurt less” thing, a vampire attacks. Buffy pushes him backwards, and he bumps into Cordy, knocking her into a pile of garbage. Buffy stakes him, but the damage is done – Cordy pulls herself out of out of the garbage just as Harmony and her sheep giggle their way past. Cordy says that she’s finally figured out what her problem really is, and we cut to school the following day.

“Buffy Summers,” Cordy tells Anya. Apparently Buffy moving to Sunnydale is the cause of all Cordy’s problems, including pulling a few stitches the previous night.

Lor: This seems to be a reoccurring thing for Cordy so far, her issues with Buffy and not understanding that the Hellmouth is the Hellmouth independent of the Slayer. It’s whatever, though, because impaled and cheated on by Xander must give one a fuzzy head.

K: Harmony and her sheep offer some more bitchy comments, and Anya gives Cordy her necklace, telling her that she clearly needs some luck. Cordy says that she never would have even looked at Xander if Buffy hadn’t made him cooler by hanging out with him, and follows that up with “I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.” At that, Anya turns around to reveal that she’s actually some kind of demon.

“Done,”  she says in a voice that sounds like she’s been chewing gravel, and we fade to black.

Sweeney: ANYAAAAAA!!

K: I may have cheered.

After the break, Cordy is alone in the quad. Anya’s vanished, and the school is a little different to usual – students are hurrying past with their heads down, and papers blow everywhere. Cordy twigs, saying “She was like…a good fairy. A scary, veiny, good fairy!” With that, she heads into the unusually quiet halls. Harmony and her sheep are all “ZOMG, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!” and their Cordy idolatry only gets worse after Football Guy asks Cordy to the winter brunch and she tells him that she’ll have to get back to him.

Cut to a half empty classroom as the bell rings. “Don’t forget, tomorrow we have our monthly memorial service, so there’s no class,” the teacher says before rushing out the door. The students are equally eager to get out, because their parents worry and curfew is in an hour. Cordy’s having none of it, and says that she wants to go to the Bronze. Harmony is horrified, and Cordy covers by saying that she bumped her head the previous day and keeps forgetting things. She then asks if Xander and Willow are miserable. “Well, yeah. They’re dead.” Harmony replies, before rolling her eyes and walking out.

Sweeney: WELP.

K: In the incredibly empty car park, Cordy’s all, “dude, where’s my car?” to the janitor. He says that she should get inside before the sun sets. Cordy’s all “WTF??”, and we cut to her walking quickly down a boarded up Sunnydale main street in the dark.

Lor: It’s really cool that Cordy quickly figured out that her wish came true, but still isn’t getting all the ALL THE VAMPIRES hints.

K: Suddenly a leather clad Xander steps in front of her. Cordy’s all, “uhhh. Harmony said you were dead” to which Xander makes a “Gee, I wonder why that would be?” comment. Cordy, sounding kind of desperate and scared, says that they need to find Buffy because everything is better when she’s there. “Bored now…” comes Willow’s voice from the shadows, and she enters wearing a skanky leather top and leather trousers. As Willow and Xander drool over each other, Cordy stares in horror before saying “No, no, no way. I wish us into bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win!!” “Probably not,” Xander replies before vamping out, “But I’ll give you a head start.”

Lor: Now we’ve seen Buffy, Xander and (soon) Willow as vampires! That just leaves Cordelia, and well, Giles. Spoilers?

K: Cordy screams and runs off down the street. Vamp!Willow kisses Vamp!Xander with a scary amount of tongue before they both give chase. They catch up quickly and throw her to the ground. But just as they’re about to go in for the kill, headlights come around the corner. “Oh, swell. It’s the White Hats…” Vamp!Xander groans, and Oz’s van pulls up. Giles steps out, holding a crucifix. Larry and a random girl load Cordy into the van, and they speed off. Back in the Wiggins Library, Random Girl asks what Cordy was doing wearing a bright blue dress, because vampires are attracted to bright colours. Apparently vampires really fall for peacocking??

Lor: That’s kind of a weird detail to include. I mean, what evidence of that have we seen so far? Maybe if there were more vampires around we would notice? I’m not sure.

K: Giles sends Larry, Random Girl, and Oz off to keep watch in case they follow.

Cut to The Bronze, which is vamp central. Vamp!Willow and Vamp!Xander enter, and we see humans in cages on the walls, while vampires party to doof doof music. There are lots of screams and breaking glass, and also a couple of vampires playing pool on a table with a guy tied to it, which just seems ridiculously difficult.

Anyway, Willow and Xander walk through a curtain into the back room where The Master greets them.

Lor: THE MASTER! Not that I liked him as a villain, but having him alive in this world sans Buffy is an excellent callback. I love it.

K: Willow goes off to have a snack while Xander fills The Master in on Giles getting all rescue-y. He brings up the fact that Cordy mentioned Buffy.

Vamp!Xander: “Gotta get Buffy here.” Isn’t that what they called The Slayer?
Vamp!Willow: Hmm, Buffy, ooh scary.
Vamp!Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody’s hearts.

The Master is cranky pants, because having a Slayer in town would interfere with his evil plans. Especially seeing as “the plant begins operation in less than 24 hours.” He orders them to find Cordy and kill her, or he’ll kill them.

Cut to the Wiggins Library, where Cordy has just woken up. Seeing Giles, she tells him that it’s all her fault, and that she made a stupid wish. She tells him to get Buffy, because it was better. Then she realises that Giles is here but Buffy’s not, and is all, “how can you have a Watcher without a Slayer?!” Giles gets all, “how did you know I was a Watcher?” before stopping at a rustling noise in the background. He goes into the cage to get a weapon, and Vamp!Willow locks him in as Vamp!Xander bites Cordy. Vamp!Willow joins in, as Giles watches helplessly from the cage as we fade to black.

After the break, Giles is breaking out of the cage with an axe as Oz and Larry come running in. Apparently they also killed Random Girl. Giles asks them to take Dead!Cordy to the incinerator, before stopping them as he notices her necklace. He removes it, and they take her away. Over at The Bronze, the Master is sipping blood from an espresso cup. Vamp!Willow and Vamp!Xander fill him in on killing Cordy, and he’s so pleased that he agrees that Willow can “play with the puppy“.

Sweeney: I love the glimmers of actual Willow shining through vamp!Willow. I also just generally love vamp!Willow. And all Willow.

K: Vamp!Willow is awesome. Back at the Wiggins Library, Giles is on the phone to Buffy’s Watcher. He pleads for her to come to Sunnydale, but apparently “There’s a great deal of demonic activity in Cleveland.” Cut to the Bronze in the middle of the day. Vamp!Willow is walking back and forth with a giant pair of scissors in front of a cell, complaining about how much day time sucks. She enters a cell to play with the so-called puppy, which turns out to be Angel, who’s chained to a wall. She crouches over him, and licks his face, which I have no idea how they filmed it without cracking up laughing every time. (S: Truth. This had to be a fun day on set.) (L: Also, there have been so many little sexual touches in this episode. Hmm.) Apparently the plant is about to open and it’ll make the end quick for “all those people you tried to save“.

She rips open his shirt, to reveal burn marks, and says that maybe she went too hard last time. Vamp!Willow: the Christian Grey of the Buffy-verse. (S: A+) Vamp!Xander enters, and flicks a lit match onto Angel’s chest before tossing the box to Vamp!Willow. “Don’t you want to?” she asks, and he replies “No, thanks, baby. I just want to watch you go“, which is about as creepy as it sounds, given than Vamp!Willow is straddling Angel. (L: SEE? SEXUAL.) Thankfully, we fade to black as Angel starts to scream.

Back at the Wiggins Library, Giles has found Cordy’s necklace in one of his books. He tells Oz and Larry that it’s the symbol of Anyanka, who grants wishes to scorned women, and compares her to a patron saint, which I’m pretty sure the Catholic church wouldn’t approve of. “So Cordelia wished for something? Well, if it was a long, healthy life, she should get her money back,” says Oz, and YAY because Bizarro World Oz is just as awesome as Normal Oz. Giles says that he has more books at home, and he sets off to do further research.

Cut to Giles driving down a quiet street in his crappy little Renault. He sees a truck on the side of the road, and a couple of vampires shoving people into it.

Lor: The truck is marked with, “Sunnydale Loves Recycling.” LOL.

K: He pulls over, and jumps into the fray, forcing the vampires back with a crucifix. A third vampire slams the truck door into Giles’ face, and he falls to the ground. As he lies there, we hear fighting, and then the unmistakable sound of vampires turning to dust. A shadow falls over Giles, and the camera pans up to reveal Buffy standing over him. But not Buffy as we know her:

This is hard core Buffy. “Buffy Summers?” he asks. “That’s right. Wanna tell me what I’m doing here??” she says, and we fade to black.

Sweeney: I was about to say Bitchy Buffy, but it’s not even that. She’s so robotic and business-like and, “My slayer lifespan is nearing its end, so how many more can I take out before I go?” It’s weird. Also, you can’t really see her giant scar in that gif, but, there’s that.

K: Seriously. The giant scar is how you know she’s a total badass. At Giles’ house, he tells Buffy that to defeat Anyanka, you have to destroy her “power centre”, which will undo all the wishes and make her mortal. Buffy looks unimpressed, and asks what the power centre is. Giles has no idea. Buffy’s a bit stake happy, and not even remotely the Buffy we know:

Buffy: (interrupts) World is what it is. We fight. We die. Wishing doesn’t change that.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.

Lor: Interesting. Our Buffy very much questions her calling and often attempts to live beyond it. “I don’t want to die,” our Buffy would say. Something about being away from Sunnydale, and the people she has there, has completely flipped her stance.

K: With that, she sticks a foot up on Giles’ chess table and starts polishing her boots with spit. He looks on in horror. When he mentions The Master, Buffy gets interested. Her plan of attack? Walk into the Bronze and start staking. “I might as well do some good while I’m in this town.” She asks where the Master’s lair is, and we cut to her walking into the Bronze. It’s abandoned, with the exception of Angel chained up in the basement. She looks at him without compassion, and turns away. “Buffy. Buffy Summers.” he says, and she turns around in surprise. He follows up by telling her that she was supposed to come, and he was meant to help her, but she never came and the Master rose. By now, she’s looking confused. When he says that she was his destiny, she cracks it.

Lor: Buffy wants to know if that line is a get in her pants thing, and yes. Yes it is. And what’s in your pants relieves him of his soul. THANKS DESTINY.

K: She demands to know where the Master is, and Angel says that he’s at the opening of the factory, and that he could take her there. She looks skeptical, but goes to unchain him. When he flinches at the sight of her crucifix, she decides that it’s a trap and walks out of the cell. Angel pulls open his shirt, showing off his burns, and says “You don’t believe I want to help you? Believe I want him dead.” With that, we cut to the factory where a bunch of humans – including Oz and Larry – are in a wooden pen while the Master makes a big speech.

Apparently vampires need to move with the times and embrace mass production. “We really are living in a golden age” Vamp!Xander says, in a teary voice. The Master demands the first human be brought forward. A couple of vamps enter the pen, and grab Whitney from Bring It On, who screams until they hit her with cattle prods. They put her onto a metal tray, where her body is promptly pierced by half a dozen giant needles, sucking out all her blood. One of the vampires turns a tap, pouring some of her blood from the machine into a wine glass.

Sweeney: Doesn’t this ruin the hunt? Most vamps we meet don’t seem like they’d be all that fond of this, particularly in a world where they run shit enough to never really have to worry about getting killed or going hungry.

K: Right?! Clearly, the Master’s terrible plans haven’t improved in this reality. Buffy and Angel enter, and Angel asks what the plan is. Buffy’s reply?

As the glass of blood is passed up to the Master, Buffy shoots her crossbow. But the Master notices and pulls Vamp!Xander in front of him. The arrow hits him in the shoulder as the assembled vampires turn to fight. Angel goes to release the trapped humans while Buffy fights her way towards the Master. Oz breaks part of the wooden pen free as a makeshift stake while Vamp!Willow and Vamp!Xander enter the fray.

Over at Giles’, he’s summoned Anyanka. He asks what Cordy wished for, and demands that the world be changed back. Anyanka grabs him around the neck and holds him up against the wall. Over at the factory, Buffy is kneeing Vamp!Xander in the face, which makes me happy. She moves onto the next vamp, and Vamp!Xander pulls the arrow from his shoulder and starts to sneak up behind her. “Buffy, look out!” Angel yells, and jumps in the way just as Xander lunges. The arrow hits Angel in the heart, and he turns to dust as Anyanka gravels “This is the real world now” as she strangles Giles.

Sweeney: As she says, “isn’t it wonderful?” we see Buffy stake Xander and I’m torn, you know, what with my boyfriend being dead, but Xander also finally being voted off the island. You win some, you lose some.

K: Team Heartless Cow may have jumped up and down with excitement over both these deaths…

We then cut to the factory, where the fight is suddenly in slow motion as the Lady of Sad Feelings “aah”s her way over the background music. Buffy stakes Vamp!Xander, while Oz drags Vamp!Willow backwards onto an exposed piece of wood.  They both turn to dust. Then, as the Timpani of This Is Really Serious Now starts up, the Master enters the fight. He and Buffy make their way toward each other as Giles suddenly notices Anyanka’s necklace glowing. He rips it from her neck, and picks up a paperweight.

Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.

As the Master grabs Buffy and snaps her neck, Giles smashes the amulet. With that, we’re back in Normal Sunnydale and Cordy making her wish. “Done.” Anya says as she turns around. But this time, she’s just a girl. No demon in sight.

Lor: I’ll weigh in now and say that the previous scene was probably one of my favorite so far of the series. It was nicely directed and acted, and since I love reading into everything, it gave me lots of wonderful moments to consider. Xander ultimately kills Angel, Buffy turns away even as he calls out to her. Buffy kills Xander, and she turns her back even before his body turns to dust. Oz kills Willow. And the Master kills an all alone Buffy.

Seriously, A+.

K: Cordy makes more wishes, and Anya is all “WTF, why isn’t this working??” As Cordy walks off, the Happy Band of 90s-ness plays in the background and we pan across to Buffy, Willow and Xander, sitting on a bench and chatting happily.

All’s well that ends well. Unless you’re Anya.

Sweeney: BUT HOORAY FOR THE REST OF US BECAUSE NOW ANYA IS HERE.

K: True dat.

Lor: One last thing! Kirsti and I will together later on this week! When you live on different continents, this is in fact a HUGE THING. We’re going to be doing awesome things like drinking butterbeer and meeting other bloggers, but we also would love to attempt a vlog. If you have any questions for us, or for either of us as individuals, about Buffy, Snark Squad or life in general, please include it in the comments or email me at roxanne.and.lorraine@gmail.com

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: It’s Christmas in Sunnydale, but Angel’s not feeling the holiday cheer. Also, Buffy has a really terrible fringe in BtVS S03 E10 – Amends.