Previously: I don’t really remember, but I think we spent forty years in a desert? With Grey making domestic violence jokes and something about boats which don’t belong in deserts but do appear in marinas?
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Sweeney: We resume on the boat with Ana reminding us that GREY has GREY eyes and they’re extra magical out in the ocean. She calls him “Captain” and he uses that as an opportunity to make jokes about owning Ana because HAHAHILARIOUS. Also, Ana “smacks her lips in appreciation” and I just thought I’d share because I thought it was a mega weird description that I tried to mimic and it made me laugh. So everyone do that before you carry on.
Lorraine: I’m pretty sure I attempted that ON VIDEO in my FSoG chapter 15 vlog. Of course, I think she was thinking about oral sex when she smacked her lips then and EW. Forget I brought it up.
Instead, let’s focus on the fact that Grey’s all, “I’m master of this vessel,” and Ana’s all, “You are master of my heart, Mr. Grey.” And then she think-amends, “And my body… and my soul.”
HER SOUL YOU GUYS.
Sweeney: OH YEAH. Sorry, I block out everything that’s happened once we hit publish; it’s the only way I can carry on.
Grey is talking to someone on his Blackberry (because talking to people on Blackberries is totes different than all other phone experiences) in what sounds like a fake conversation (as all of these one-sided conversations have that “I’m pretending to be on the phone!” feel to them). After his call he tells Ana that boat time is over. Except that we have to sail back to the marina, which means we get a weird paragraph about all the boat things Ana learned. Basically, E. L. James googled a lot of boat terminology and tried to put as many words as possible in 2 sentences.
Lor: Also, “his lips are twitching through the lesson.” Which, I suppose is supposed to make it seem like he’s constantly on the verge of smiling but just reads like he’s constantly on the verge of going crazy and murdering her ass. I don’t disapprove.
When one sentence later, Grey’s “mouth twists with humor,” I can’t help but wonder WHY THIS DICK CAN NEVER JUST SMILE?
TWISTS WITH HUMOR???
Sweeney: Aaaand now I’d like the readers playing along at home to practice twitching and twisting their mouths. Hopefully there are people around you to see you look like a lunatic and you can blame it on Fifty Shades. This is just your friendly reminder that E. L. James, author of these books, probably doesn’t own a face to practice these things with.
Ana mutters about tying him up one day, and he’s all LOL YOU HAVE TO CATCH ME, which reminds her of the day that he finally beat her severely enough that she grew a backbone and dumped him. You know, before that backbone turned out to be made of chalk dust and we found ourselves here. She then muses about how everything is oh-so-different now that he’s admitted to being in love with her:
“Would I leave him again now that he’s admitted he loves me? I gaze up into his clear gray eyes. Could I ever leave him again—no matter what he did to me? Could I betray him like that? No. I don’t think I could.”
ANA, THAT’S NOT BETRAYAL. I’m not even going to get into the fact that there are about a thousand words that she could have used that would have been closer to her meaning than “betray,” but in this instance, girl, him abusing you is a betrayal for which you betray only yourself by sticking around. I really can’t get over the “no matter what he did to me” because the possibilities are endless.
More of the “HOW LONG WILL HE BE ABLE TO NOT BEAT ME UP!?” crap. Lor and I were just discussing how hard these posts have gotten to write, in part because of the serious psychological trauma we feel from reading this bullshit, but also because of the fact that we are starting to feel that we are being redundant. While we find ourselves hilarious, we can only make the same jokes so many times. In our defense, though, the material never changes. IT’S THE SAME BULLSHIT, CHAPTER AFTER CHAPTER.
As if to prove my point, the following things happen, in this order: A book is quoted (The Little Prince — another beautiful thing destroyed by association with this book; The E. L. James death count grows), Gray gets jealous of nothing (hilariously it’s Taylor this time, because why not), we’re reminded of both Gray’s moneybags and his security obsession (again, by way of Taylor), E. L. James drops in an entry from her word-of-the-day calendar (avuncular), and they joke about Gray’s abuse as they murmurwhisper about how she-already-knows-him-so-well-but-she’d-like-to-know-him-better. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Lor: I’d only add that she quotes the book incorrectly, she says that every hair follicle on Ana’s body stands to attention, which is one of those, “not giving the mental image you probably wanted,” James things, and Ana compares the man she just had sex with to a sulky, pouting child. Weeeee!
Sweeney: Also, we learn that Taylor’s first name is Jason, which I bring up only because it has enriched my headcanon: I now picture him as the Red Ranger.
Lor: A+ forever.
Sweeney: They go to dinner and talk about how Christian Grey has no friends because he’s a psychopath BUSY. Because he’s super busy. He has lots of employees and “business associates” (contractual fuckbeatingbuddies?) and Mrs. Rape is his only friend. Ana decides to ignore the mention of the “troll-bitch” and I high five Ana because I like the term “troll-bitch.” I always support new compound insults.
They joke about how Grey doesn’t need male friends because he lets off steam by beating his girlfriends, and he was a psychotic loner even in college and probs way before that, based on all the things we know.
And then they almost have an actual discussion about their relationship? I might be giving them too much credit because I lose all sense of what a relationship should look like while reading this. First he refers to his own “fifty shades of fuckedupness” and I realize that this is the thing the commenters warned us was coming. He still likes “punishing” women and probably won’t ever stop wanting to do that (winner!) but he lurves Ana so much (or, rather, he supposedly keeps telling her how he feels but all I see is him telling her that he’s already told her overandoverandover) that he’ll never do it again. Inner Goddess — you know, the mega-sex-crazed libido-passing-for-an-alter-ego — becomes a pouting toddler, because we were due for an inappropriate reference to children.
Ana says that she feels bad for making him do all the changing and maybe the occasional beating would only be fair. Grey reminds us that they have only been back together for A WEEKEND and I cry and cry because I consider the real possibility that this is never going to end. Anyway, he actually makes a degree of sense if you could take this out of its context because he’s all, “We’ve been back together for a weekend so you should probably calm the fuck down.” Or something like that.
Lor: In this book full of issues, it pains me how much Ana makes issues of the non-issues. She’s seriously so sad because he wants to change for her. Because we have to have on mini-conflict per chapter just to make sure who ever is reading the book dies slowly and painfully.
Sweeney: Grey accidentally quotes his therapist and they laugh and laugh at the sayings of his therapist before they go back to eating and stop talking about their issues.
They drive home and Ana briefly remembers the red flag moment in which her boyfriend was afraid of her talking to his therapist before she’s all, “LOL he’s silly.” Captain Crazy is on edge as they get close to his building, what with his hypothetical murderer hypothetically out there. (Alas, we all know that this fictional universe isn’t that kind.) When they get back into the garage his terror has him extra murdery and he snaps at Ana who thinks, “Jeez, keep your hair on,” which, uh, what? But then she smiles because it’s totes awesome having such a domineering man in her life! Lucky me! Weeee! As always: I hate her.
Then they have a stupid conversation about how Grey’s pouting affects her the same as her weird lip-biting and then BAM! they are all over each other. They don’t actually fuck in the garage, though, because Taylor The Red Ranger appears. Ana jokes with him about how she had to be Mrs. Taylor at the hotel and Grey gets jealous AGAIN because he’s a douche canoe.
Sorry, I wrote that before reading on to discover that he actually pulls her aside to have a whole chat with her about how she shouldn’t flirt with the staff because she knows how jealous he gets. Remember a few Buffy episodes back — “you know how I get?” I have no additional words on the absurdity of guys blaming their girlfriends for their serial killer rage.
Anyway, she goes to her bedroom and discovers that all her shit is gone and she mourns the loss of her pretty pretty clothes that she told him to get rid of. Then she decides the absence of her shit is a little weird so she runs down to Grey’s room, thinking that GSP stole it all, but it’s all in his room now.
Grey briefly catches Ana up on bullshit involving GSP that is not important since she is not there and still hasn’t managed to kill them, and then asks is she is all right with her stuff being in his room because he wants her to share his space and even though he made this decision unilaterally like he makes all other decisions, Ana, of course, decides is the OMGHEARTZ4EVERSWEETESTTHING. You see, he wants her in his room because he has nightmares, but he doesn’t have them when she’s there. And because Edward needs to watch Bella sleep.
Lor: That’s the most selfish reason he probably could’ve come up with. Wait, no. I think, “I want to save money on heating and sleeping with you will keep me warm,” would’ve been worse, but this is pretty bad.
Sweeney: Ana mentions getting her clothes for work tomorrow and Grey is all “LOL you’re not going to work tomorrow.” Ana declares that bullshit because she can’t very well sit around doing nothing while he’s off being MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE (what a stupid fucking title. Fifty Shades of Grey is awful too, but definitely an upgrade from the original fanfic title, Master of the Universe.)
Lor: Her pen name was Snowqueen’s Icedragon, so I think I’ll declare “E.L. James” a mega upgrade in that respect as well. Then I’ll keep laughing and laughing at Snowqueen’s Icedragon.
Sweeney: They argue about whether or not she can be allowed to go to work and he tells her that she has no need to earn a living, causing her to again remember that they’ve known each other for FIVE WEEKS so that would be absurd. The selectivity with which they apply the we-just-met logic is hilarious.
Grey demands that she have a bodyguard at work and at first I’m proud that she’s actually holding her ground on that also being ridiculous. Unsurprisingly, though, Grey tells her that she must either take the bodyguard or he won’t let her go to work, and she bows to this bullshit compromise. And then he insta-calms from full on yelling at her and offers her a tour of his apartment.
He gives her the tour and it’s boring. Mo’ money, mo’ rooms. That’s about it. He takes Ana into the creepy security room with televisions hooked up to cameras monitoring the entire apartment. HAWT. The Red Ranger is in there and not in a good mood, because Grey probably yelled at him for Ana’s stupid so-called flirting. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YELLING AT THE RED RANGER, SIR?
They end up in the Billiard Room, which always makes me think of Clue. IT WAS THE RED RANGER, WITH THE ROPE, IN THE BILLIARD ROOM! Ana challenges him to a game of pool, because remember she’s secretly oh-so-good at it. If Grey wins he gets his choice of prize, but her chosen prize is to go back into the Red Room of Domestic Violence and I need to relocate my JLaw gif because I don’t even understand what’s happening right now.
Lor: All I know is that Grey’s mouth just “twisted in amusement” AND MAYBE HE’S ACTUALLY A MR. POTATO HEAD.
Sweeney: YES.
So they play pool, and it’s all very suggestive, because it’s a game with big sticks and balls and lots of bending and stretching and such. First Ana’s winning, and then Grey comes back. She misses the eight ball, so he catches up. He declares that his victory prize will be to spank her and fuck her on the table, and then the chapter ends on an epic curb hanger as he is about to take his shot. It’s been so long since we covered a Goosebumps book that I had almost forgotten about the beloved curb hanger.
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Goosebumps books. Simpler, better days for this blog.
Lor: The good news is that next chapter we hit the 50% mark! WE ARE HALF DONE WITH THIS GARBAGE. We hope you’ll be back next week for a special post to celebrate.
Whisper Count – 5
Murmur Count – 13
Favorite comment last post: “I find it hilarious that Ana constantly feels the need to state the obvious and/or reiterate what we already know, like some hyperactive kid with a short attention span. She reminds me of Dory from Finding Nemo, except without the cuteness or personality :3″ — strawberry_pocky_moose
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Who will win this terribly uninteresting game of pool, deciding the fate of their next sexual encounter? Find out in Chapter 11.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
