Game of Thrones S01 E03 – The Great Stallion

Previously: A direwolf was falsely sentenced to death by Bitch Queen Cersei and Bran woke up.
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Lord Snow

Sweeney: Lord Stark arrives at King’s Landing and is met by a useless and douchey squire who sasses Lord freaking Stark about the appropriateness of his attire for meeting the King. Stark gives him a BITCH PLEASE face before he goes inside. Unfortunately, the first person he meets there is Jaime Lannister, sitting in front of the iron throne.

Lorraine: I’ll go ahead and state the obvious: a throne made of welded together swords can’t be particularly comfortable.

Sweeney: It’s not particularly cozy looking.

They exchange pithy lines, including Jaime reflecting on being present for the death of Stark’s father. He says he remembered that and thought of it when he killed King Targaryen, but Stark isn’t really buying that and points out that the Lannisters were supposedly serving the king before they killed him.

After Stark has enough of that little standoff, he continues into the castle to greet the other members of the king’s council. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll give names regardless of whether or not the show does, based on who is named in my season one DVD family tree, figuring that none of these names count as spoilers. First up is Varys, who is oh-so-sad on behalf of Joffrey, which makes Ned Stark snarky; then Renly Baratheon, the king’s youngest brother; finally, Lord Petyr Baelish, who basically says that he fought for Stark’s wife. Awkward. Also, I maybe skipped Grand Maester Pycelle, but I don’t feel like rewinding to make sure I got the order right, so I’m just going to say he was last.

Lor: Rewinding is hard but “grand maester” is an excellent name.

Sweeney: Anyway, the king doesn’t feel like showing up for his meeting, so the council gets on without him and while Lord Stark is kind of “WTF?” about this, it’s implied that this happens all the time. They start talking about tournaments and prizes and it’s mentioned that the crown is actually crazy in debt to Tywin Lannister (Cersei the brother-fucker’s father) but they can just keep borrowing money from him for the rest of forever. NBD.

Stark doesn’t understand how Arryn (the previous hand of the King) allowed Baratheon to bankrupt the realm, but everyone’s all, “The king just kind of does what he wants, due to, you know, being the king.” Stark is annoyed with everyone but apologizes and blames it on the long ride. Varys assures him that as he is the hand of the king, they serve at his leisure; it just feels smarmy.

Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Joffrey is whining as Cersei tries to patch up his wound. He’s upset because it’s ugly, but his mom assures him that kings need scars and fighting off a direwolf makes him a warrior. Joffrey rightly points out that all he did was scream and cry. Cersei notes that during the reign of the Mad King (as they call Arrys Targeryen) Baratheon, now king, was seen as a traitor; one day Joffrey will sit on the throne and he’ll decide what’s true. That’s a terrifying thought, Cersei.

Joffrey doesn’t really want to marry Sansa (SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU ANYWAY) and Cersei is all, “Too bad.” But also, because he’ll be king, he can fuck whoever and basically do what he wants and only has to be around Sansa for formal occasions and baby-making. She tells him to do something nice for Sansa in order to make things good and easy for the both of them down the line. Joffrey then goes off on a stupid tirade about how they should raise taxes on the north and then invade it and take over Winterfell. Cersei’s all, “LOL, we’d never win that fight.” But she doesn’t disagree with his basic claim that the Starks are their enemies: “Everyone who isn’t us is an enemy.”

Lor: Alright, Hitler. Calm it down there.

Sweeney: To make the point, Arya is stabbing a table and tells their nurse lady that she’s practicing for the prince, which doesn’t go over well.

She gets sent off for being a beast, by which they must mean awesome. (L: And part direwolf.) Lord Stark brings Sansa a doll to compensate for her dead wolf, but it doesn’t go over well. Sansa is on a short list of characters who I develop very different feelings for later, but right now she’s a huge brat and I hate(d) her. In her defense, “Sorry your dog was put down; here’s a doll!” wouldn’t go over well ever.

Later, Lord Stark goes to Arya’s room where she has her sword out to deal with her rage and it makes me wish that I had a sword. He wants to know where she got it, and he recognizes the sword maker upon inspection. He tries to tell her that little ladies shouldn’t be playing with swords but she’s not having that because she wasn’t playing and has no desire to be a lady.

They have a big deep talk about everything that’s happening and how Arya needs to go easier on Sansa because she’ll have to marry Joffrey one day, and, as such, needs to be able to take his side. (Also: EW and SAD.) Arya doesn’t understand how Lord Stark can let Sansa marry him and even though I understand that this is way more complicated than all that I still want to say: “YEAH. THAT!” Stark tells her that they’ve come to a dangerous place and can’t be fighting a war among themselves. Arya relents and acknowledges that she doesn’t actually hate her sister.

Lor: Arya has a lot of strong emotions, though the leading one seems to be “stabby.” At the back of it all, though, she feels guilt for having asked Micah to practice sword fighting, and probably as a result, for the death of Lady. I just want to hug her and tell her I know all about feeling stabby. And then we could make popcorn and poke at the air with the pointy ends of our swords.

Sweeney: THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE GREATEST SLUMBER PARTY EVER. Anyone whose primary emotion is “stabby” would be a great fit for The Snark Squad.

Back in Winterfell, a crow lands in Bran’s window and he listens to an old lady knitting and telling stories and he’s super annoyed with this old woman. He wants to hear scary stories. Also, she picks up on a theme that Stark touched on with Arya — that winter is coming, and that these are children of summer who have never known winter. Honestly, after watching both seasons I still don’t fully understand this, but suffice it to say that there is some weird understanding of seasons going on here.

She tells him really intense stories about White Walkers and scary winter. Eventually Robb comes in and sends her off. He says that he’s seen Bran climb a thousand times and has never fallen, trying to fish for a memory, but Bran remembers nothing. Bran asks Robb to confirm that he’s paralyzed and will never walk again and adds that he would rather be dead.

Lady Stark arrives in King’s Landing with her escort, thinking she’s all stealthy, only to be stopped by some dudes and told to go with them. She gets way pissed because nobody talks to Lady Stark that way. They give her a note and she relents. They lead her into a brothel run by none other than Lord I Love Stark’s Wife Baelish. She chews him out for hiding her in some back alley like that and he apologizes, insisting that he was just trying to be discrete.

Lor: And HBO had a surplus in the Boobie Budget.

Sweeney: Varys magically appears from behind some curtains. He apparently knew that she was coming, which is how Baelish knew, but he won’t tell her how. She brought the dagger that was used to assault her with, and while Varys doesn’t know its owner, Baelish does — it used to belong to him until he lost it to none other than Tyrion Lannister.

Up in the crazy north of the wall, the various recruits are taking their turns fighting Jon Snow and he’s basically kicking everyone’s asses, sometimes more than one at a time. Earning him the distinction of “the least useless person here.” The commander of the Night’s Watch is observing all of this with Tyrion, and mentions that a raven came for Stark’s son, containing both good news and bad.

Back in King’s Landing, Lord Stark is receiving word of this same raven from Grand Maester Pycelle, when Baelish rolls in to sass him about the fact that he know’s the whereabouts of Lady Stark better than he does. Oh, the rudeness.

He does lead Lord Stark to the brothel where he’s hiding her, and Stark nearly chokes him for making whore jokes about his wife. Probs not a good move. Fortunately for Baelish, Cat sees this and calls him inside.

Back at the wall, a bunch of guys gang up on Jon Snow because they’re super pissed about him beating all their asses. They consider killing him secretly, but Tyrion Lannister rolls in and name drops his sister, the queen, so they back off. Then Jon Snow is pissy because while everyone knew what was waiting for him at the wall, Tyrion was the only person who had been honest with him about it, including his father who he says left him to rot there. Tyrion fills him in on the mega shitty backstories of his comrades. He adds that while they may hate him for being better, he’d do well to remember the privilege that made that so — few of them had ever held a blade, let alone been trained to use one, before arriving at the wall.

In King’s Landing Cat doesn’t understand why they can’t just come out and start accusing people of fucking with her boy, and Baelish is the voice of reason, reminding her of all the likely alibis that Tyrion will likely have/use, not to mention the fact that the only thing they have is a knife which provides no corresponding explanation. Plus, the season began with a probable Lannister murder plot so proceeding with caution wouldn’t be entirely ill-advised. Baelish agrees to help for Cat’s sake and to try to keep Stark alive, while she goes off to see her sister.

Lor: Baelish is super oily, man. I’m surprised Ned didn’t go for the neck again when he was all, “I’d do anything for your wife.” EW, DUDE. QUIT IT.

Sweeney: Jaime goes into Cersei’s room and she’s pissed that he was so stupid as to push a child out a window. He says it won’t matter even if Bran does remember, because he’ll go to war with whoever he has to – “The War for Cersei’s Cunt” (she slaps him for this). His declaration of murdery, incestuous love goes on uncomfortably long, but that’s the gist of it.

Lor: I like Cersei’s sensibilities. Like, “don’t you call my precious lady jewels the c word!” …but then her brother is feeling her up and that’s perfectly okay. Mmmhmm. WHATEVER YOU SAY.

Sweeney: Cersei makes a lot of interesting choices.

Cat and Ned have a big intense, emotional goodbye. She tells him that she knows in her bones that the Lannisters did it but he asks her not to do anything until they get proof and bring it to the king. He jokes about her temper, but she points out that he nearly killed Baelish, mostly as a way to bring up his nickname, Little Finger, and the fact that the two of them go way back. Lord Stark doesn’t like Baelish, due to him still being in love with his wife, but she kisses him to calm his jealous. It’s all very sweet and sad.

The king is have a little chat with one of his court bro, Ser Barristan Selmy, and Lancel Lannister. They’re swapping war stories and gruesome memories of their kills. Apparently Baratheon is disappointed that songs about war don’t mention people shitting themselves. Baratheon is super rude to Lancel before sending him off and calling in Jaime Lanniser, nicknamed King Slayer, to share the story of his first kill. Also, to ask about the Mad King, whose final words were apparently, “Burn them all.”

That’s a lovely bit of segue magic across the narrow sea to he of the English-speaking skillz, Ser Jorah Mormont, giving Daenerys Dothraki lessons. She hears something and insists that everyone stop because she’s talking like a khaleesi now. She goes to inspect and her megadouche brother appears and nearly chokes her because he’s so pissed that she was giving him, “THE DRAGON” orders.

Lor: If I may just channel Sisqo here for a moment, something about not unleashing the dragon. Mostly, I think it’s hilarious that dragons and platinum hair remind me of Sisqo.

Sweeney: A couple Dothraki appear, though and beat the shit out of him until Daenerys calls them off. After she does, he tries to order Ser Jorah, who has also appeared, to kill them and he acts like he heard nothing. It’s fantastic. It gets even better when Viserys tries to get on a horse and the Dothraki guy who almost killed him tells him that he no longer gets a horse and now has to walk.

Up at the wall, it’s all blizzardy, as is typical of the wall, and Jon Snow decides to venture off on his own. He gets in this terrifying death elevator that looks terribly faulty and like people probably die there long before they even make it to the top of the wall, but Jon Snow makes it to the top just fine. He finds his uncle warming his hands over a fire, overlooking the vast wasteland on the other side of the wall. Uncle Stark will be leaving first thing in the morning because there are disturbing reports. Jon Snow once again reminds someone that he’s way better than everyone else, but Benjen’s all, “Too bad. You’re not a ranger yet so you’re not coming.”

Lor: Being Jon Snow is a thankless job.

Sweeney: Tyrion is sitting around shooting the shit with some member of the Night’s Watch when Benjen comes in and he’s not pleased by laughter at the Night’s Watch’s expense. He points out that half the boys Tyrion has seen training will die north of the wall, so that “plump little lords like you can enjoy their summer afternoons in peace.” Then the conversation turns into another one of those “Are the ghosties real?” chats, the short version of which is that Tyrion says no and Benjen says that, since he’s never been north of the wall, he should shut his mouth.

Daenerys is getting Dothraki lessons from one of her maidens, when she suddenly grabs her boob and Daenerys is all, “WTF?” But the girl thinks she’s preggo, which is a Big Fucking Deal.

Lor: Apparently, it’s a gift from “the great stallion” which is either some sort of religious-y thing, or the best and most widely known penis name ever. Nice work, Drogo.

Sweeney: A+

In another tent, Ser Jorah is having more Dothraki chat with a younger fighter and we get cryptic allusions to Ser Jorah’s past but that’s about it. The aforementioned maiden comes in demanding rabbits and dogs and special meat, because Daenerys is pregnant and has a Blessing From The Great Stallion and, as such, doesn’t want to eat horse? Weird Dothraki Customs. That is all.

Back at the wall, Jon Snow is actually helping to teach his useless brethren how to be better fighters. Tyrion Lannister sees this and smiles knowingly at him before he goes inside to have a conversation with two old dudes, one of whom is blind. The blind guy totally knew I was just complaining about this seasonal thing, because he’s breaking down the fact that some winters and summers are longer and shorter and apparently we’re nearing the end of a nine year summer. That sounds fucking amazing, except for the fact that it’s still snowing in summer up at the wall, making the wall extra miserable.

Anyway, as the Stark’s say WINTER IS COMING! And this one’s going to be super long and filled with things that go bump in the night. The blind man crazies about what a failure the Night’s Watch has become, and they both plead with Tyrion to try to get Cersei to send them help, by which they mean monies.

Back across the narrow sea, Daenerys and Drogo are laying in bed and she tells him that she knows it’s a boy because she fucking does.

Lor: Homegirl is really taking this khaleesi thing to heart.

Sweeney: Tyrion Lannister is ready to head off, but not before pissing off the wall just once like he planned. Jon Snow says goodbye and that he’s sad to see him go. He asks Tyrion to take his regards to Bran and he gets sad on Bran’s behalf, but Tyrion points out that, “if you’re going to be a cripple, it’s better to be a rich cripple.”

Then Arya has one of the best King’s Landing scenes ever because it’s an Arya scene. She meets Syrio, her “dancing instructor” who is actually teaching her how to fight. He keeps calling her “boy” and tells her it’s good to be skinny because she has a smaller target. Mostly, he’s just got this outlandish accent, and is highly theatrical and hilarious.

Arya has no idea what exactly is going on, but she’s excited all the same. When he finally gives her the chance, she starts charging at him like the half-direwolf she clearly is. He easily deflects her, but as they go back and forth he gives her tips and she gradually improves. Lord Stark walks in near the end of this and the episode ends on this moderately foreboding, but mostly way-more-optimistic-than-normal note. I don’t even know what to do with that.

Lor: Me either. Maybe we just take this moment to guess that at least one of them will die. Yeah. That seems right.

Sweeney: Always a safe bet.

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Somebody dies and more boobs in S01 E04 – Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things