Game of Thrones S01 E05 – Unhorsed.

Previously: There were a couple of show downs: Daenerys finally stood up to Viserys, Cersei questions Lord Stark, Jon Snow challenges the other men at the wall and Lady Stark confronts Tyrion after a chance meeting.
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The Wolf and the Lion

Lorraine: I was overly excited by the opening credits because apparently, they will be changing slightly depending on the episode. That my friends is flipping fantastic. It makes the entire three minutes of longest opening credits ever totally worth it.

This episode: King’s Landing, a little north to The Eyrie, further north to Winterfell and The Wall and finally across the narrow sea to Vaes Dothrak.

Lord Stark walks across the grounds where the tournament in his honor is being hosted. It looks like it is being cleaned and that is further confirmed when we cut to women cleaning up the corpse of Ser Hugh of the Vale, dead Jon Arryn’s now dead ex-squire. I’m getting better and better at clarifying these relationships for you all! You’re welcome!

Sweeney: I still can’t do it without my DVD cheat sheet.

Lor: Lord Stark makes a comment about how the recently knighted Hugh only wore his armor once, and the older man next to him who I think I’ve seen before, but he’s an older man in armor so it could basically be about 87% of anyone else in King’s Landing, says it’s bad luck that he had to face The Mountain.

Ned: Who determines the draw?
Older Man: All the knights draw straws, Lord Stark.
Ned: Aye, but who holds the straws?

I laugh, though I don’t think it’s supposed to be funny. Mostly ’cause I get a visual of some dude holding straws, giving his friends little winks.

Sweeney: It’s a great mental image.

Lor: Ned and the older man leave the tent and they go on a little exposition walk. First and most importantly, older man gets the name Ser Barristan. Next, we find out that he and Ned used to be enemies, though they never actually fought hand to hand. Ned thinks this is a good thing; Barristan has a reputation as a great fighter.

The conversation changes again to Dead Ser Hugh, and I wince, because Ned is just continuing to spread his conspiracy seeds to anyone and everyone.

Sweeney: STOP WITH ALL THE TRUSTING, NED. AND THE LEGITIMATE CONCERNS ABOUT SUSPICIOUS MURDERY THINGS. STOP IT. Suspicious murdery types are generally not the types you want to be fucking with.

Lor: Barristan mentions that King Robert wants to joust in the tournament and Ned gives him a nice, “bitch please.” Barristan is of the mind that Robert does whatever Robert wants, but Ned is confident he will not joust.

Cut to Lancel Lannister loading Robert into his way-too-small armor. Lancel announces that the armor is “made too small.“

Sweeney: I’m going to remember that phrasing the next time I’m trying on some unfortunate jeans that are clearly “made too small.”

Lor: While we certainly appreciate his nice spin on matters, Robert meanly announces that Lancel’s “mother was a dumb whore with a fat ass.”

Ned enters Robert’s tent where the king is going on about how Lancel can’t even put a man’s armor on properly. Ned: You’re too fat for your armor. Ned is the type of friend you need to take shopping with you, man. “Do I look fat in this?” “YEP.”

Sweeney: True story. It’s probs better than my previously stated plan.

Lor: Robert pretends to be affronted for a second, but then they do that thing where they look at each other for a beat, and laugh. Lancel cracks a smile and Robert gives him a hard time, first about finding it funny and then about not. If that doesn’t make sense, I guess the big take away is that Robert’s a dick, probably especially to Lannisters. He sends Lancel off to find a non-existent “breastplate stretcher.”

Robert takes a moment to reflect-exposit that Jon Aaryn was the one who told him that Cersei Lannister would be a good match for him. He thought that being king meant doing whatever you wanted. It’s a nice callback to the comment Barristan made. It seems the men closest to Robert thinks he does too much of what he wants while Robert thinks he doesn’t get to do enough of it.

Anyways, resigned to not jousting, Robert starts off to at least watch the tournament and smell the blood. Ned’s all, “bro. A shirt.” and Robert thinks it’s hilarious that he forgot his shirt.

Sweeney: These speeches where we see how wretched Robert was as a husband to Cersei are really interesting to watch now. As awful as she is, it’s clear that she’s been dealt a lot of shit to wind up that way. She’s kind of like a really badass Daisy Buchanan. Like, if Daisy got manipulative shit done instead of drunkenly lamenting her lot in life, and only subtly and accidentally destroying those around her. I can at least respect Cersei’s approach.

Lor: That comparison is a perfect example of a 1430 if I ever saw one.

Tournament. The Mountain rides up and bows to the king. Ned is in the audience this time, sitting next to Sansa Stark, but Arya Stark is missing. She’s at her “dancing lessons.”

Sweeney: BAMF LESSONS. SHE’S TEACHING.

Lor: Sansa notes a new knight riding in, “The Knight of the Flowers.” He’s kind of like the Justin Bieber of knighthood, I guess. He’s got a red rose in his hand which he hands to Sansa who looks a little taken with his floppy hair and prepubescent falsettos. Renly Baratheon, the king’s younger brother, gives the Flowery Knight a not-too-subtle look.

Flowery Knight bows before the king. Almost immediately, The Mountains horse gets a little jittery and they ride to their opposite corners. If horses could talk, this one would be saying, “dude. Seriously. Not a good idea. Don’t make me. SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE.” Something like that.

Sweeney: Even the horses understand how to place a safe bet on this show!

Lor: Sansa is worried for Flowery Bieber, while Littlefinger calls out a bet in favor of The Mountain. Renly takes his bet and snarks that maybe if Littlefinger wins, he can buy some friends.

The knights start toward each other and Flowery Bieber unhorses The Mountain. Renly is pumped and jokes that it’s a shame he’s won, as Littlefinger might’ve enjoyed a friend. “And when will you be having your friend?” Littlefinger asks as he points toward Flowery Bieber. I’m guessing the implication here is that they are gay. Or maybe it’s all a metaphor for Justin Bieber being gay. You heard it here on the Snark Squad first.

Sweeney: A+

Lor: The Mountain is pissed. He throws off his helmet and yells, “FFFTHHWAR.”  Some dude comes running up with a huge sword so maybe he said, “sword.” Flowery Bieber is taking his victory bows, when The Mountain unsheathes his sword and DECAPITATES HIS FREAKIN’ HORSE.

Sweeney: This show needs to calm the fuck down with all the animal murder.

Lor: I wasn’t expecting that one and he just chopped his head! EW.

The Mountain then charges at Flowery Bieber and starts taking whacks. The Hound jumps down from the royal platform and defends Flower Bieber. Brothers Hound and Mountain fight for a bit, but it’s a slow affair because, seriously, their swords are gigantic.

Finally King Robert yells for them to stop, and before the words are out of his mouth, the Hound is on his knees. The Mountain pissily throws down his sword and stalks off. We are shown Joffrey’s reaction to all this, though I’m pretty sure it’s just so we can remember that his face is douchey. The Knight of the Flowers is super thankful, and everyone in the audience cheers for The Hound.

Out on the road. Someone roughly unhorses Tyrion Lanniser, who is tied and has a black hood over his head. This whole storyline is causing me a lot of stress. This is why I don’t watch TV, you guys. I get so worried.

Sweeney: Being on Team Feels is super hard.

Lor: All the time.

Lady Catelyn Stark orders the removal of Tyrion’s hood. He notices that they are decidedly not headed towards Winterfell, even though that’s where Lady Cat said they were headed. She did say that, “often and loudly.” I’d give her points for being smart if she hadn’t just kidnapped the Queen’s brother on the worst evidence of all time.

Tyrion wants to be untied and claims it isn’t like he could get very far. He then works out that they are headed to Lady Aaryn’s (Cat’s sister) place. He claims that he had nothing to do with the attempt on Bran Stark’s life and Cat lays out her evidence:. Tyrion: “What sort of imbesel arms an assassin with his own blade?”

Shortly after, the party is attacked and there is blood spurting and necks being sliced open. Cat tries to take cover and Tyrion comes over to her and again asks to be cut loose. She obliges and he quickly picks up a shield. He eyes the nearby horses, but when an attacker stands ready to kill Cat, Tyrion knocks him out with his shield. He then starts bashing his face in way past the point of killing him, and I guess with so much focus on the Boobie Budget, I forgot that HBO also budgets for blood. Silly me.

Sweeney: I imagine an HBO budget looks something like this:

Lor: I love you, Sweeney.

King’s Landing. Theon Greyjoy is practicing archery while Bran studies with Maester Luwin.

Bran’s being quizzed on regions, lords, sigils, and mottos and I feel like this could be important information to have, but I’ll echo the sentiments of commenter Ris and say Westeros is a zoo. When the region of the Greyjoy’s is brought up, Theon chimes in to say that they are good at archery, navigation and lovemaking. Luwin pretty much eyerolls and adds “failed rebellions” to that list.

Sweeney: Just to remind everyone that I’m an idiot, I seriously didn’t put all of this together until season two. Watching it again makes me feel really stupid. In my defense, THERE IS SO MUCH TO KEEP UP WITH. I’m just going to say I decided he wasn’t important and I didn’t care.

Lor: I’ve taken the opposite route of decided everyone and everything is significant. I’m exhausted.

Bran says that the Lannister’s motto is “a Lannister always pays his debts,” which is incorrect but probably significant since it’s the second time it’s been said in this episode. Bran is kind of a brat, but I guess if you were pushed out of a window by a Lannister, you probably wouldn’t give two shits about their motto.

Through a little more conversation, we understand that Bran is upset that Lady Cat wasn’t there when he woke up. Luwin tries to explain that Cat is doing what is best for the family, but Bran just wants his mommy. He further mopes about not being able to shoot an arrow again, but Luwin gives him hope when he says that Dothraki boys all shoot from horseback. Theon shoots a final arrow we see hit a mark.

Subtle Segue Magic to a naked Theon Greyjoy nailing a different sort of mark, namely a red-headed prostitute I was calling Julia Roberts last episode, but since she’s on screen now I guess I should call her by her real name, Ros. (S: Do we have to?) They finish up but then proceed to spend the entire next scene chatting naked. Theon is curious about what Tyrion is packing, but Ros just says that he’s good with his fingers and tongue. Ros calls Theon a serious boy with a serious cock. Theon’s cock needs to have a little fun. Let it’s hair down. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING. I’m getting out of this scene.

We see a cat, who will probably eat you. Arya approaches it and it takes off with her in hot pursuit.

Lord Varys enters Lord Stark’s office with information for him, which he’s decided to share now after observing Ned and deeming him honorable and trustworthy. He informs us that the poison used to kill Jon Aary was “Tears of Lys” which is colorless and tasteless. He insinuates that it was Dead Ser Hugh poisoning Aaryn, but Ned wants to know who was funding the murder. Lord Varys only says, “someone who could afford it.” He also says Aaryn died because he started asking questions.

Sweeney: Which is a bit of a hint to do a little less question-asking.

Lor: Please, Ned. Stop.

Arya follows the cat all the way into some dungeon-y looking area where there is a dragon skull. She hears voices approaching and hides. It’s Varys and Illyrio (and yes I had to look up his name too. He’s the dude who was hosting Daenerys and Viserys before the Drogo-Daenerys marriage.)

Ilyrio: But when he knows the truth, what will he do?
Varys: The gods alone know. The fools tried to kill his son. But what’s worse? They botched it. The wolf and the lion will be at each other’s throats. We will be at war soon, my friend.
Illyrio: What good is war now? We’re not ready. If one Hand can die, why not a second?
Varys: This Hand is not the other.

I lose the conversation after that but Illyrio says something about Kahl Drogo not making a move until his son is born. I’m so scared for Ned, dammit.

Arya hightails it, but they only way to go is deeper into the dungeons.

Throne Room. Littlefinger is staring at the Iron Throne and it’s like a metaphor, you see, because this is Game of Thrones and what’s about to unfold is a scene thick with moves being made. Lord Varys enters and Littlefinger remarks that he looks lonely and promises him “the first boy on the house.” Littlefinger says he offers beauty and discretion, but Varys shoots holes into that by sharing little tidbits about what he’s heard. This person likes young boys, this other person fresh corpses, etc.

Littlefinger takes his turn needling Varys by asking if someone has his balls in a box, somewhere. Varys: “Do you know, I have no idea where they are, and we had been so close.” Varys says he “saw” Littlefinger talking to Stark and warns him that everyone knows he has an #awkwardboner for Lady Cat. If the Lannisters find out that Littlefinger had anything to do with their implication in the attempt on Bran’s life, it would not be good for him.

Littlefinger flips the script and says that he “saw” Varys talking to Lord Stark too. What’s more, he knows Varys was speaking with Illyrio. That last piece of news is more disturbing to Varys, whose face falls. Littlefinger vaguely threatens Varys, as the king who would most certainly like to know that Varys is in contact with someone from across the Narrow Sea.

Sweeney: This is all so fucking exhausting. Never mind all the actual murdering that goes on and my complete inability to handle all of that, I’d be dead in an instant because I could never keep up with all the different people watching people watching people.

Lor: Renly comes in and interrupts the little show down, announcing that Robert is actually going to attend their King’s Council meeting.

We see Arya emerge from a tunnel presumably outside of the castle walls looking grimey. She heads back toward the castle but is stopped by two guards who no doubt regard her appearance. She asserts herself, like the badass she is, and says her father, hand of the king, will have both their heads on spikes if they touch her.

Sweeney: HBIC.

Lor: Cut to Ned’s chambers where he’s upset she went missing again. She tries to warn him about what she overheard but he’s dubious. They are interrupted by a member of the Night’s Watch named Yoren.

Yoren won’t say what’s he’s come for in front of people so Ned sends Arya away with Jory, his main guard. Arya asks how many men guard Ned, and the answer is 50. Back inside the chambers, Yoren spills the beans: Lady Cat has taken “the Imp.”

Cut to Lady Cat being met by a host of armored men on horseback. They want to know if Lady Aaryn is expecting their visit, but she isn’t. There wasn’t any time to write. The Head Guard notices Tyrion and asks what he’s doing there. Cat says he’s a prisoner and then asks to be taken to her sister.

Ned arrives to the council meeting and Robert cuts to the chase: The whore is pregnant. He means Daenerys. Robert wants to kill her and Viserys, though he’s clearly more worried about this unborn child than he is Viserys, which I think is hilarious and fitting.

Sweeney: Because Viserys is not only smarmy, but fucking useless too.

Lor: Ned thinks this is the dishonorable thing to do and tries to talk sense into Robert, but the entire rest of the councils is with Robert. Despite all their best arguments, Ned will not relent. He takes off his Hand of the King pin and sets it before Robert, who as you can imagine, is so not happy.

Sweeney: I’d be super pissed if someone gave me back my BFF pin too. I bet Robert spent a lot of time hot-gluing the sequins to it and everything.

Lor: I guess Ned didn’t get the memo that the second F stands for FOREVER.

Ned is packing in a hurry and tells  Jory to ride ahead with his daughters. Littlefinger comes in to say that Robert is throwing around the word treason, and please Ned. Please, just get out of town. Please. Littlefinger offers to take Ned to see the last person Jon Aaryn saw before he died, but Ned needs to get the hell out of town. He of course, decides not to get out of town. He asks Jory to post guards outside of the girls’ chambers and follows Littlefinger.

Lady Aaryn is upset that her sister has brought Tyrion to her home. We, as in the entire people of the world, are upset because she’s saying all this as her about 7-year-old son suckles at her teet. The faces on all the actors in this scene are brilliant. Juuuust the right amount of WTF.

Sweeney: IT’S SO CREEPY.

Lor: Lady Aaryn says her boy is strong, and that Jon Aaryn knew it and died saying, “the seed is strong.” I can’t buy that that’s what he meant with that phrase, especially looking at this kid of his. Cat reminds her of the letter she sent, warning her against the Lannisters. Lady Aaryn may be crazy but she has a point when she’s all, “I said stay away from them, not round ’em up and bring them over.” The kid at her teet wants to know if Tyrion is a bad man. Lady A says that he is indeed bad as he killed Jon. Tyrion marvels at the business of his schedule, since he’s supposedly killed all these people.

Sweeney: We’ll have to remember this when we get around to doing more Nancy Drew posts. The answer is always: “TYRION DID IT!”

Lor: Damn, we’re getting good at detecting.

It’s becoming more and more apparent just how crazy Lady Aaryn is. Even Cat gives Tyrion an, “oh shit. Sorry,” look. Cat tries to claim that Tyrion is her prisoner and should not be harmed. He is still placed in The Eyrie version of jail which is basically a hole cut into the side of the encampment.

The Knight of the Flowers is shaving Renly’s chest and later his armpit. This show really loves to give us information in the most uncomfortable of situations. The jist is that Renly is fourth in line to the throne, and Flowers thinks he should be king. The Flowers family is super rich (though still not as rich as the Lannisters) and he says he’d put his money behind Renly as king. Then he puts his mouth around Renly’s little king, if you know what I mean. Okay, getting out of this scene now too.

Robert is alone, drinking and scowling, two things he’s very good at. Cersei enters and says she’s sorry his marriage to Ned Stark didn’t work. She thinks things will fall apart without a BFF hand of the king, and though Robert assumes she wants Jaime to assume the role, she doesn’t. He isn’t serious enough. More concerned with what lies across the narrow sea, Robert brings up the Dothraki. Cersei reiterates the speaking points, namely that they can’t cross the sea and that they have no siege weapons. Surprisingly, Robert brings up good points about what will happen if the Dothraki do land on their shores, and how it’s the people in villages and without stone castle walls to hide behind that will suffer.

Sweeney: The fact that Robert acknowledges as much does seem surprising, given that he mostly does the drinking and scowling thing. It’s a subtle reminder that he must have led a rather different life in the days before the war and that the war itself surely played a role in making him who he is. Ugh, damn it, show; can’t I just have blanket feelings about people being good or bad without having to consider all their complex issues and shit?

Lor: Calm it down, Buffy. Sometimes people with souls are complex and even bad.

JUST KIDDING. Complexity is hard on the feels.

robert goes on: Though they outnumber the Dothraki, the kingdoms do not share an army. The lords all command their separate army, and they haven’t seen a proper fight in nine years. “Backstabbing doesn’t prepare you for a fight,” Robert says, and he wonders what holds the kingdom together. “We do,” Cersei says and they both enjoy a laugh. A failed marriage filled with hate and even more backstabbing.

Cersei asks about Lyanna Stark, deceased sister of Ned and Robert’s once fiance. After they establish that she’s asking now because she figures Lyanna’s ghost can’t cause any more damage than what they’ve already caused, Robert admits he can’t even remember what she looks like. It’s a universal truth of loss, that memories fade even if feelings don’t. Robert remembers the feeling. “I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted. Someone took it away from me and seven kingdoms couldn’t fill the hole she left behind.“

Sweeney: I still don’t care that much about him, if I’m being honest, but this little speech is lovely. It was bound to be a Team Feels favorite, though.

Lor: Cersei says she felt for him once, but Robert admits there was never a chance for them. She leaves.

Ned’s at a whore house talking to a woman holding a baby she claims looks “just like him.” It’s another one of Robert’s bastards. Apparently, Jon Aaryn was tracking them all down.

As soon as Ned and Jory exit, Jaime Lannister and a group of his men surround them and he should’ve gotten out of town when I told him to. (S: WHY DON’T THEY EVER LISTEN?) Jaime wants to know what happened to his brother and Ned covers for his stupid ass wife and says he had him taken to answer for his crimes. Fighting ensues, wolf vs lion, much like our episode title predicted. Jory is killed by Jaime, knife through the eye. Finally, Jaime and Ned face each other.

Jaime’s style is a little more fluid and graceful. Ned is all grunts. It’s great to watch though for most of it it seems to me that Jaime has the upper hand. The fight is interrupted when one of Jaime’s men stabs Ned through the leg with a lance-looking thing. Jaime is pissed because he wanted to prove himself. But, he leaves anyways and says he wants his brother back.

Ned collapses and bleeds and someone send a direwolf after Jaime, kay, thanks.

Next time on Game of Thrones: Ned suffers for not listening to us (and Littlefinger), but mostly us in S01 E06 – A Golden Crown.