Game of Thrones S01 E08 – Please, no one spit.

Previously: Robert died thanks to being drunk while hunting. He left Ned in charge, but Cersei had other plans and put her little douche-brat on the throne. Daenerys was almost killed by Robert’s assassin prompting Drogo to pledge that he will cross the Narrow Sea and take back her throne.
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The Pointy End

Lorraine: Just so we’re absolutely clear, I’m incredibly stressed out and I’ve only seen the opening credits. This show is giving me palpitations.

Sweeney: AND IT’S ONLY GOING TO KEEP GETTING WORSE. I’m not sure our fangirl hearts were ready for this undertaking, guys.

Lor: I don’t think our fangirl hearts are ever ready for anything.

We open with Arya training with Syrio, looking every bit the little warrior she truly is. That transitions to the clanking of metal swords, as we’re picking up this episode just moments after the end of the last. Lannister men are murdering every one of Stark’s household. In case you had any doubts, there is a lot of blood.

Sweeney: Yay blood budget!

Lor: Sansa walks down the hall with her caretaker and she is bratting, as usual. Her nanny hears the melee outside and instructs her to run back to her room and bar the doors. Just as Sansa disappears from the frame, soldiers appear before the nanny, bloody swords drawn.

Soldiers also bust in on Syrio’s lesson, saying that Arya’s father wants her. Syrio doesn’t let her go, and asks why “Lord Eddard is sending Lannister men in place of his own.” A growly soldier calls Syrio “little man” and tells him to get out of the way. He informs them all who he is, Syrio Forel, and the Growly Soldier calls him a bastard. That Growly Soldier is soon Beat By a Wooden Sword and on His Ass Soldier, so you know, STFU.

The head soldier orders his other men to kill Syrio, but not so much because he absolutely owns them. He moves fluidly and it makes calling him a “dancing master” ring so true. Arya, still stalling, tells Syrio to come and run with her. “The first sword of Braavos does not run,” he replies and readies to fight the last remaining soldier. It doesn’t last long- the solder breaks Syrio’s wooden sword easily.

“What do we say to the god of death,” Syrio asks a teary-eyed Arya.

“Not today,” Arya responds.

“Go.”

Sweeney: I love this moment so hard.

Lor: Agreed.

Arya runs through the dark halls of the castle, listening to the massacre, repeating “not today, not today.”

Sansa is also running but crosses paths with The Hound. Sansa nervously says she’ll tell her father, she’ll tell the queen. “Who do you think sent me,” creepies the Hound. This all has a little bit of a pedo-y vibe to it. He’s getting way too much enjoyment out of this.

Sweeney: He’s a creeper, but give him time. He’ll grow on you. He’ll still be creepy, but he’ll grow on you.

Lor: Creepy growth. Cool.

Outside, Arya sees where the men loading the Stark’s trunks onto a cart were killed. She spots her chest of things and quickly goes through it, looking for Needle, her sword. A boy who looks just about Arya’s age spots Arya and threatens to take her in, calling her “wolf girl.” He grabs Arya, and she spins on him, Needle in hand and sticks him with the pointy end. She’s shocked, he’s wounded (S: Probably dying.) and she runs off.

Ned Stark sits in a darkened cell, and I hope he’s had a chance to think about all the times he ignored my warnings and advice. Varys comes in offering him water. Ned asks after his daughters. Arya has escaped the castle and Varys’ spies can’t find her because she’s cloaked in a shroud of awesome. (Or something.) Sansa is still to be married to Joffrey and will be kept close to Cersei. (S: Which sounds awful, but we should clarify that this fact was meant to be comforting.) The rest of his household are dead. Varys says he’s sad to report the news… BECAUSE HE HATES THE SIGHT OF BLOOD. Well, sorry to disturb your sensibilities with the death of all these people, VARYS.

Sweeney: He’s on the wrong show. He should really request a transfer to some other HBO show.

Lor: Varys wants to know why the hell Ned had that whole, “I know your brother is also your baby daddy,” conversation with Cersei, and Ned says it was out of mercy. He didn’t want to see Cersei’s children killed. He instead, though, put his own children in so much danger. Poorly thought out, dear Ned.

Sweeney: It’s that whole honor thing. So far this show has taught me that honor sucks. Fuck honor.

Lor: That is definitely what I’m taking away from all of this.

Varys blames Robert’s death on Ned, though I’m unclear if this is an admission that he believes that Cersei had a hand in said death. Ned is also a dead man, especially now that Tyrion is no longer being held prisoner by Lady Cat. Ned asks Varys to just slit his throat, but he says, “not today,” echoing the Syrio/Arya interaction. To be fair, though, he probably meant to say, “Ewww! But blood!” Ned asks who he really serves and Varys says, “the realm.”

Sweeney: “Someone has to,”  he adds. I get the feeling that you’re generally not a fan of Varys, and while he’s not my favorite, it should be noted that his motivations aren’t inherently evil. He’s something of a coward and will always watch his own back first and foremost. However, he’s not such a bad guy. He just prefers being smart to being honorable, a philosophy I wish Ned would take into consideration. But then he wouldn’t be Ned, so. Such is life.

Lor: I don’t know that I have specific feels for Varys, probably because he is neither the worst of the worst or the best of the best. He says he’s looking out for the realm, but for me at this time in viewing, I don’t see that yet. I can’t believe him because I don’t have the whole picture. So, I just sort of shrug in his general direction.

The Wall. Men are dragging in the corpses of two of the Night’s Watch. One of them is missing a hand, which if you’ll recall, Snow’s direwolf was using as a chew toy. Snow thinks they’ve been dead a while, which is a legit guess seeing as how they look blue and… extra dead. You’re welcome for that brilliant description. That’s why we get paid the big bucks. (Note: We don’t get paid for this.) Samwell is the one who notices that they don’t smell like extra dead which means that their deaths must’ve been recent. While he’s recognized for this smart observation, I feel like dying in arctic temperatures would drastically slow the rotting and smelling process. Right?

Sweeney: Probably. Unfortunately, my corpse knowledge is limited.

Lor: That makes me feel better about you as a friend. Snow suggests they burn the bodies, and they will, after they examine them.

Sweeney: As much as Snow grumbled about the steward gig, THAT sounds like a legit awful job.

Lor: The Commander has a raven from King’s Landing waiting for him in his room. We cut there as Jon Snow also enters the room. The commander asks him for a horn of ale and tells Jon to pour one for himself too. Then, he breaks the news: the king is dead and his father is charged with treason. Snow stands and makes to leave but the Commander makes it clear that he is not to. He’s taken his vows now and his duty is to the Night’s Watch. He’s worried about his sisters, but the Commander assures him that they’ll be treated gently, which as far as assurance isn’t very assuring. “I’m sure they’ll kill them softly!”

Sweeney: Lor and I have had this conversation a millionty times (mostly in reference to our endless THG feels) but sibling stuff always gets me. I have ALL THE FEELS in this scenarios because this is when it is easiest for me to empathize. In part because my most traumatic nightmares are of bad shit happening to my baby sister that I can’t stop.

tl;dr – What I mean to say is that Jon Snow is actually feeling something like this:

Lor: Crap, even the gif of that scene makes me teary.

Cut to Sansa, in front of the Queen and the remaining council, being informed her father is a traitor. Sansa is sure this is a mistake, as her father knew of her deep love for Prince Douche. I really want to smack Sansa right now. I feel bad for her, increasingly so as the scene plays out, but she’s a bit small minded. We could blame it on her age, but her little sister ruins that excuse for her.

Sweeney: This is my major problem with Sansa at this point. I hated her throughout S1, but she grew on me in S2 after life hardens her a little. (You know, the feels.) I get it a little more now, though. While you’re right that Arya is infinitely cooler, Sansa has lived a rather sheltered life up to now. She’s been groomed to be a little lady, and she (unlike Arya) has always accepted and been eager for that role. She’s a 13-year-old girl who has been promised a life as a princess/queen, and she’s a little out in the clouds because of it. She’s still rather annoying and self-centered, but I understand why it takes her a bit to grasp the reality of her situation. She’ll never be as amazing as her sister, but that’s a tall order.

Lor: Indeed. I feel for her, but watching her brat around has been difficult in the context of all this bigger stuff that is happening.

Anyways, Cersei says that she doesn’t know if the daughter of a traitor should be married to Joffrey. This is an incredibly manipulative tactic here, especially as the remaining members of the council go back and forth about whether Sansa can be trusted. Cersei extends some paper and a pen to Sansa, telling her to write to Lady Cat and her eldest brother Robb, instructing him to come and swear fealty to Prince Douche. I do realize he’s king now, but fuck that.

Sweeney: WORD. FUCK THAT.

Lor: Sansa hesitates and says that maybe she could talk to her father. She stops her sentence short at Cersei’s icy “bitch please” look. Cersei says she’s disappointed in Sansa, as Ned is a traitor and she shouldn’t want to talk to him. Sansa wants to know what will happen to Ned and Cersei softly says that it depends on Robb, and thus on Sansa.

Segue Magic to Robb reading the letter written by Sansa. Maester Luwin says that while it is Sansa’s handwriting, it’s obviously dripping in heinous bitch. That is, they are the Queen’s words. “Joffrey puts my father in chains and now he wants his ass kissed,” Robb says and I want to high five him. I think Ned is a dead man anyways. Ned was a dead man when he set foot in King’s Landing. I’m going to be really embarrassed if he doesn’t die now. Maybe I’ll come back into this post and just delete these sentences and pretend it never happened.

Sweeney: I think I just realized why Sansa is so disappointing: because she has such a BAMF family. It’s like, “Really? This is the best you can do?”

Lor: Robb says that he will not refuse to go to King’s Landing, but he won’t go alone. “Call the banners,” he instructs Luwin and this pleases Theon LET’S KILL SOMETHING Greyjoy immensely. Luwin gives a little smile and heads off.

Robb sits down in shock. Theon asks if he’s afraid and Robb shows us his shaking hand. Theon says fear is good, as it means he isn’t stupid. Ravens fly by and caw in an ominous way. I don’t think ravens really have another way of cawing, so I suppose this was just some well timed ominous cawing.

Sweeney: Theon mostly annoys me, but this is a good moment for him.

Lor: The Eyrie. Cat storms into her crazy sister’s room, yelling because she’s had a message since dawn containing the news of her imprisoned husband and Robb’s intention to declare war. Lady Aaryn crazies that Cat needs to go home and teach Robb patience. Meanwhile, her son whose voice could change at any moment, is untying her dress saying he’s hungry. I spend the rest of the scene going, “PLEASE NO. NOT THE BREASTFEEDING.” so I miss a lot of what happens. But, the point is that Lady Aaryn will not give any of her knights to join the Stark cause.

Woods. Tyrion Lannister is whistling jauntily as he walks along with Bronn, who seems to not be a fan of jaunty whistling. Tyrion says that if Bronn sticks with him, he’ll be rewarded with gold and women and golden women. Bronn says that’s fine but that he shouldn’t expect to be ass-kissed.

When we next see this duo, it’s darkening and Tyrion is asleep. Bronn wakes him as they hear people approaching. Bronn draws his sword, but they are surrounded. The lead forest man conveniently threatens and introduces himself all in one. He is Shagga son of Dolf, one of the Stone Crows, and he will kill them. After Tyrion introduces himself as son of Tywin of clan Lanniser, Shagga asks how he would like to die. “In my own bed at the age of 80 with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.” This gets a mountain man giggle in response, prompting Shagga to instruct his men to grab the entertaining half man but to kill Bronn.

Tyrion shouts for them to wait, as he’s rich and if they just see them through the mountains they will be paid. He then talks bad about Stone Crows, saying they just hide from the Knights of the Vale. He also insults their stolen weapons, which earns Tyrion an axe-smack to the face. For his final trick, Tyrion offers Shagga the ring he wears, saying it is worth more than all they have. Plus, if they will escort him home, he promises them the Vale of Aaryn, as he kind of has a beef with the current Lords of the Vale. (Namely crazy ass Lady Aaryn.)

The Wall Kitchen. Allisor Thorne, who I previously called Head Wall Guy in Charge and who hates him some Jon Snow, comes over to hate him some Jon Snow. He makes a “traitor’s bastard” comment. Jon is still for a beat, and various Wall-mates look at him expectantly. A few more seconds of tense silence and Jon launches himself at Allisor, knife in hand.

Some Wall-mates hold Jon back and manage to get the knife away from him. Allisor, who looks kind of like he could be Spencer Pratt’s medieval dad, says, “blood will always tell. You’ll hang for this bastard.” He looks pretty proud of himself, but probably shouldn’t due to that aforementioned looking related to Spencer Pratt.

Sweeney: 1430 forever.

Lor: The Commander walks in and is not happy. He confines Jon to quarters, which I guess is the fancy Wall way of saying he’s grounded.

Jon is spending his grounding time brooding, while his direwolf Ghost is whine-barking. Jon thinks this means that someone is lurking and he follows Ghost outside because apparently he doesn’t understand grounding, Wall style or otherwise.

Ghost leads him to the Commander’s door. Snow goes in to investigate, and there finds the blue-eyed zombiefied version of one of the dead Night’s Watchmen from earlier in the episode. Ghost spends this whole scene barking and trying to get out, so not so many DIREBOSS points for him.  Snow stabs the zombie repeatedly, to no avail. He chops off its hand- nothing. He runs it through with his sword and it goes down, just as the Lord Commander appears to ask WTF is going on. Jon doesn’t need to explain because the zombie gets up and just discards the sword, unharmed. Jon grabs the lantern the Commander is holding and throws it at the zombie, who goes down and burns.

Segue Magic to the Dothraki, where there are small fires burning and they are pulling down a large stone bust. Daenerys wants to know what the people being pillaged have done. Not much, but they will be sold as slaves, all in the quest to hire ships that will sail them across the narrow sea. Daenerys sees a women being roughly handled by a Dothraki man we’ll call Doth Rapey McRaperson. She wants him to stop, but Ser Jorah, speaker of English, tells her this is the way things work. He also says Daenerys has a gentle heart but she insists she doesn’t. I think once you’ve eaten a heart, you’ve earned the right to call your own heart whatever you want. (S: Word.) Daenerys has a group of captured women released and brought to her.

We hear Doth Rapey McRaperson tattling on the khaleesi to the kahl. Daenerys approaches Drogo, and he asks if she did indeed take away the slave girl Doth Rapery McRaperson was to “mount.” Dany admits it is true and Kahl tries to explain the way of war. Dany thinks if these men want to mount the women, they should take them as wives. A nearby Dothraki man wonders if the horse mates with the lamb and Dany says that the dragon eats them both. Drogo smiles, and you know if there were a way to say “BURN,” in his language he would. Doth Rapey McRaperson tells Daenerys that she is a foreigner and does not command him. She is the khalessi and does command him.

Drogo is pleased, because Dany is growing more and more fierce. DRMcR is not pleased and spits at Drogo’s feet. OH SHIT. I paused here to stand and stretch and pour some coffee and prepare myself because DRMcR is going to DIE.

When I press play, I find that Drogo likes to speech. He says that he will not burn DRMcR’s body and describes all the disgusting things that will happen to his corpse. DRMcR is armed with a sickle which he puts up against Drogo’s shoulder. Drogo looks down on it and BITCH PLEASES THE SICKLE. He presses HARDER INTO IT. DRMcR swings at Drogo a few times but he expertly dodges the swipes all while he keeps speeching. Drogo drops his knives because he’s MF Kahl Drogo and he doesn’t need knives. Instead, he strong arms DRMcR so that he uses his own sickle to split open his throat. It’s gross and bloody and most people would stop there, but not HBO! NOPE. Drogo reaches into the wound and rips DRMcR’s tongue out through his throat.

Daenerys looks mortified and for a second you think, “right. ‘Cause of the whole tongue thing,” but as she runs to Drogo’s side, it’s clear she’s more worried about his shoulder wound. She wants someone to tend to it. She calls for the healers, and all the Dothraki people look at her LOLWHUT.

The woman who Daenerys saved from being raped by Doth Rapey McRaper speaks up and says she can help with the cut. The dude that appears to be one of Drogo’s guards tries to shush her, but Dany invites her to speak up, and the woman thanks her in English. She says her name is miraodihfdsuhidoor. It takes me a lot of crafty Google searching to find that she really is named Mirri Maz Duur. She says she was the god’s wife and that she knows how to make healing smokes and ointments. The bodyguard calls her a witch and spits on her AND PLEASE STOP SPITTING IN THE PRESENCE OF KHAL DROGO. Sorry. Slightly ruined now.

At Dany’s insistence, Khal lets his wound be mended.

Winterfell. We see Robb’s direwolf at his feet, chillin’. Men sit around eating, and one of them insists that he should lead the vanguard. Robb’s all NOPE and I Should Lead says something back but it is so muddled and swallowed in his accent, I have no idea what he says, but it ends in an ultimatum: he will lead the van or he will take his men and lead them home. Robb looks pretty fierce as he glares and says that he’s welcome to leave, but that he’ll be hanged as an oath breaker. Lord Jon Umber, as we now know him to be named, stands up and swallow-says a few menacing things and makes to draw his sword. Theon I’MMA KILL YOU TOO Greyjoy stands but it’s the direwolf that ultimately charges at Umber.

Sweeney: DIREBOSS! I was getting worried that we wouldn’t get to shout that this episode.

Lor: Grey Wind snarls and rips off some of Umber’s fingers. Everyone’s watching now as Umber screams in pain. Robb: My lord father taught me that it was death to bare steel against your liege lord. Doubtless the Greatjon only meant to cut my meat for me.” Umber still seems angry at first but then settles on not being further mauled by a direwolf. He holds up his hand and says that Robb had some “bloody tough” meat. Everyone laughs and Bran is looking around like this shit isn’t funny. Bran, it really isn’t.

That night, Robb wakes Bran and says that he is leaving in the middle of the night to evade Lannister spies. Bran wants to come but Robb says that there must always be a Stark in Winterfell, and that will now be Bran. Robb leaves to the Strings of Lots of People Die. The youngest Stark child Rickon, who I think we’ve only seen once before, enters and says that everyone has left. Bran tries to reassure him that they will all be back, but see the reason we haven’t seen Rickon much is because he’s been playing the, “SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE” game with us. He says that they won’t all return.

Sweeney: Now seems like a great time to share this amazing gem that a reader shared with us:

Lor: A+.  You guys are the best.

New day, Bran is sitting out in the woods praying to Grandmother Willow the old gods. The captured Wildling thief (Her name is Osha) approaches and tells us that she prays to the old gods as well. North of the wall, the Wildlings all pray to the old gods, even the slaves. Bran says she isn’t a slave, but she motions towards her shackles, which do look awful slave-y.

Osha goes on that the gods are talking to Bran through the wind, but unfortunately Robb will not get any help from them in the south, where no one serves them. At this point, Hodor comes running in from the woods naked and Osha makes a few “HEY-O BIG BOY” comments. She thinks he has giant’s blood. Clearly this all happened because a.) We forgot to take into account the lesser but still existent Balls Budget and 2.) it allows us to totally not awkwardly transition to talk about giants and the north.

Sweeney: This move was about as subtle as a naked giant can be.

Lor: Wall. A group of Wall-mates are watching as a body burns. Sam deduces that these men were touched by White Walkers and that’s why they returned with blue eyes. Fire is the only way to stop them, and he knows all this because he read it in a book. The rest of what he read is general WINTER IS COMING doom.

Sweeney: Meanwhile, this is kind of his best moment, because everyone else is all, “BOOKS? YOU READ BOOKS?”

Lor: Lady Cat and Rodrik “Not By the Hair on my Chiny Chin Chin” Cassel find Robb’s camp. It’s also snowing in summer, in case we forgot about all those crazy seasons!

Sweeney: SNOW IN SUMMER? This sounds a little like my personal hell.

Lor: My personal hell would just be “snow,” but you know. Floridian.

Cat finds Robb in a tent talking war strategy. He’s all, “MOMMY!” She wants to speak to him alone and with all his bros gone, Mommy Cat hugs her son. She remembers when he was born and now he’s leading an army. They do grow up so fast. Robb shows her mom the letter from “Sansa” and she notes that there is no mention of Arya. Poor Arya.

Sweeney: No mention because it’s really a letter from Cersei and revealing that they’ve lost control of Arya weakens their hand. All that to say: while Arya’s situation right now is unenviable, my feelings are more “Poor Mama Stark.”

Lor: She’s been amazingly strong and level headed throughout, if only you can forget kidnapping Tyrion. But, like, otherwise.

Cat knows that if Robb were to go to King’s Landing he would never leave alive. Their only hope is to defeat the Lannister soldiers in the field. She uses the example of the Mad King, saying that when he was overtaken, Tywin had his kids killed in their sleep. So they either win or they die.

Sweeney: NO PRESSURE.

Lor: Tyrion arrives at camp Lannister with his rag tag group of Stone Crows and various other mountain men. He enters Tywin’s tent and there is much exchanging of titles but otherwise very little civility. Tyrion learns that Robert is dead, Prince Douche is now king, and Jamie is sweeping up war victories. A man rushes in and reports that the Stark armies are approaching. Tywin is to move against Robb and he wants the Stone Crows and other various shaggy men and women to fight with them. Shagga has a condition: Tyrion fights too, as his life is theirs until they get what was promised.

Robb’s tent and more war strategy. They have to cross a river at a certain bridge. Men enter the tent with a captured Lannister spy. Robb wants to let the spy go, and everyone is all WHUT? He sends the spy back with word that winter is coming for Tywin in the form of 20,000 men.

Sweeney: Style points on this one for Robb:

Lor: Robb definitely has style.

King’s Landing, throne room. Tywin Lanniser is appointed hand of the king. Cersei calls Sir Barristan and volun-tells him into retirement. Jamie Lannister is to be the new commander. He doesn’t take well to this and pissily starts to remove his armor. He throws his sword toward Joffrey, tells him to add it to the throne of discomfort and leaves.

The floor is opened to any additional business, and Sansa speaks up. She kneels before the throne and begs for mercy for her father. She calls him guilty and knows that he must be punished, but begs for mercy. Maester Pycell is not having it, but Sansa begs in the name of Joffrey’s affection. Prince Douche says that Ned must confess him as king or else there will be no mercy. Sansa says that Ned will.

Sweeney: This is the beginning of that aforementioned transition, when I started developing Sansa feels the first go-round. Mostly in the form of shouting, “THERE IS NO SUCH AFFECTION, SANSA!” And then wanting to hug her.

Lor: Sansa started this episode bratty but ended brave as her sister Arya. A different brave. She, in the throne room surrounded by swords, was brave enough to ask for her father. That poor girl.

 

Next time: Robb goes after the answer to his gold-shitting question, but gets something else instead. Find out what on Game of Thrones S01 E09 – Baelor.