Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E01 – It’s the new PCP

 Previously: Buffy and the Sunnydale High School Class of 1999 (LOL) survived both the mayor’s ascension and, more importantly, high school. Also, Angel left town.
—

The Freshman

Sweeney: Season four is here! I’ll save my rant about this season for the wrap-up and get right to work, because I’m all about getting through this season as quickly as possible. Let the snark commence.

The season begins in the cemetery, I guess to comfort us that some things never change. Fortunately, Willow’s hair did change for the better this season.

K: Possibly just to be contrary, I love Buffy’s hair and hate Willow’s. I have no explanation for this.

Sweeney: Buffy’s hair is great too.

Willow and Buffy are waiting for a vampire to rise and chatting about classes, because Buffy unsurprisingly waited until the last minute to sign up for classes. She laments that taking literature courses involves actually reading multiple whole books. Buffy gets excited when Willow reads off a class called “Images of Pop Culture,” and they marvel at watching movies for credit, which makes me laugh and laugh because of my master’s degree in YouTube videos. Also, sorry B, but classes like that are usually the first to fill up, so there’s no way you’re getting in.

Anyway, they talk about all the changes and how Buffy will have to be “secret identity girl” as the vamp they are waiting for crawls out of the grave, walks over to the girls all excited and runs off when he sees their pile of vampire slaying tools. Just after he runs away, Buffy turns around and asks, “Is this guy ever gonna wake up?” Aaaand roll new credits! New credits are an exciting perk of new seasons. These credits include a fancy stake twirl that I love, which happens in this episode!

Lor: Things I am excited for: these new credits! It has flashes of Spike in them and also Willow’s adorable little wave from Dopplegangland. And Oz. I wasn’t sure if we’d lose his as a regular this season. I’m happy he’s still around.

Things I am not excited for: how heavy handed that pre-credit scene was. So you guys think Buffy might be a little distracted and lose her edge? HUH GUYS? MAYBE?

K: Personally, I love that the Wiggins Library lives on in the credits even though it’s now a giant ball of exploded bookshelves and Mayor guts. Also, A+ to Lor – that pre-credit scene was a little over the top. 

Sweeney: SO MANY HEAVY-HANDED THINGS THIS EPISODE.

After the credits we get a shot of UC Sunnydale. Buffy is overwhelmed by all the FIRST DAY-ness around her.

She’s with the wrong batch of freshmen, so she has an excuse to walk through campus and be accosted by various club/event recruiters, frat guys, and protestors, so that we can get the basic COLLEGE stuff. My personal favorite is the hardcore Christian girl who asks, “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” to which B responds, “You know, I meant to and then I just got busy.” Best.

K: 1430, Buff. I’m going to use that on Jehovah’s Witnesses in the future. 

Sweeney: Naturally, when she runs into Willow, she’s totally excited about everything. They discuss all the flyers they received – “I’ve heard about five different issues and I’m angry about each and everyone of them,” says Willow. In a somewhat awkward exchange — awkward for me, as a viewer, not them — Willow is bummed that Buffy got one for jello shots and offers to trade her for a “Take Back The Night.” I think this was supposed to be funny, but I’m not amused.

Lor: Oh, you see, because it’s Jello shots and rape. Har har.

Sweeney: HILARIOUS. -_-

Willow continues to be excited and Buffy not so much. And then Willow says this:

“It’s just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon; you really had to work to learn anything. But here the energy, the collective intelligence — it’s like this force, this penetrating force and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know? And letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge — that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.“

She’s precious. Then she continues her precious when she spots her on-campus boyfriend and flails a little. Buffy jokes that she forgot to pick hers up and the line is probably super long now.

Lor: Story of my life.

K: Mine too. 

Sweeney: She starts to think she has a fellow overwhelmed friend in Oz, but he knows everybody, since his friends all graduated a year ahead of them and his band has played there a lot, so he knows campus quite well. WOMP.

We still have some exposition to get through, even though I’m already bored with it as the girls enter a building and discuss how Giles is now “a gentleman of leisure” which Buffy says is “British for unemployed.” Xander, meanwhile, is off driving to all fifty states. Buffy asks if Willow explained about Hawaii, but Xander seemed so determined that she didn’t want to crush that. Because I totally buy that these are completely new pieces of information to Buffy that she would absolutely be thinking about on her first day of college.

Buffy can’t wait for Xander to get back (she is alone in this) so that the whole gang can go hang out in the library again. And guess what? They’re walking into the UC Sunnydale library which is all big and collegiate. Willow is stoked because aside from occult collection, the Sunnydale library just didn’t have the greatest selection. You know, because it’s a high school library. Sorry, Willow, I’ve seen how insanely large and gorgeous that thing is for a public school library so I’m just going to go ahead and declare this claim unfounded.

Lor: Plus, my librarians never looked anything like Giles.

K: Plus, UC Sunnydale’s library appears to have almost a complete lack of books. Also, all of my university libraries have been in independent buildings across two or more storeys. Not a single room with an impressive vaulted ceiling. </librarian in training nerdiness>

Sweeney: I’m with Buffy in feeling sad and nostalgic for the now destroyed Wiggins Library. That said, I’m also with Willow and the excitement of college library time, since I didn’t see enough of it to have Kirsti’s level of feels on the new library. The school where I did my undergrad has a pretty epic library that I missed dearly when I didn’t have the same amazing resources as a grad student.

In the book store, Buffy jokes about the insane cost of books because it looks like she bought all new books and that is where she is going wrong with this. Then their Psych 105 books are inexplicably sitting precariously on the edge at the top of the bookshelf. They aren’t organized and no other books are up there. Thanks, contrivance! Buffy is able to nudge the books off the shelf and they land on the head of a hot guy whose hotness I had forgotten because I remember him with such distaste. This is me taking a moment to acknowledge Riley’s hotness before I spend the rest of the season shouting, “LEAVE SCREEN NOW, PLZ.”

K: Agreed. 

Sweeney: It turns out that he will be their TA! And also Buffy is totally tongue-tied and can’t form coherent sentences. This moment just feels really OOC for her. I’m not saying that all the slayer shit means that it’s easy to talk to guys, but in general, she’s a remarkably confident self-possessed character and this just annoys me. Willow, of course, knows all about their soon-to-be professor, so she and Riley bond. Buffy just makes an ass of herself and he thinks she’s an idiot. (Buffy’s inability to hold an academic conversation isn’t the part that surprises me, mind you. She’s just quicker on her feet/tongue than that.)

Buffy goes back to her room where she meets her super perky roommate, Kathy. Their room is pretty impressively large.

Lor: There are many intro-to-college things I feel this episode got right. This incredibly nice room is one that made me go, “LOL. OKAY.”

K: I’ve only lived in halls of residence in England, so I can’t speak for Australian universities, but I’m going to echo Lor’s “LOL. OKAY” just the same. 

Sweeney: Kathy babbles about how excited she is and how glad she got paired with somebody cool because she can already tell that Buffy is cool. As she is declaring how SUPER FUN this whole year is going to be, she is taping up a Celine Dion poster. LOL.

That night, Kathy has a really obnoxious snore and also giggles in her sleep, making her the worst roommate ever.

The next day, her professor for the watching-movies-for-credit class basically says, “No, that’s not what this is.” Then Buffy turns to ask the girl next to her if the class is full (I told you, Buffy!) and the professor is an ass who makes her get up and repeat what’s so totally important that she felt it appropriate to interrupt his lecture, because this scene has to happen in basically every “Welcome to college!” episode of every show ever. I have yet to meet anyone who had this actual experience. HOW ABOUT WE TALK ABOUT THAT IN YOUR CLASS, SIR!

Lor: Agreed. This was another, “NOPE” type moment. Though, if you had something like this happen in college, please do let us know in the comments.

K: I had a lecturer who kicked people out if their phones rang in class, but that seems fair to me. Then again, maybe I’m just an asshole. 

Sweeney: I had that once, too. But this first day tyrant thing is a super common trope that I have never seen actually happen in an American university. This tyrant tells Buffy she’s sucking energy from everyone in the room and kicks her out.

The music gets all moody and sad as Buffy leaves and ambles through the halls all lost. Then she runs into Riley, so it’s magically all better. Riley only remembers Buffy as Willow’s friend, which is a new thing for her and adds to her feelsy crisis. She sits down next to Willow and only says that she decided not to take the pop culture course because it seemed dull.

Professor Walsh walks in and starts class right away. People who fall into her good graces will come to know her as Maggie, but people who don’t will call her by the name her TA’s use behind her back but apparently not that behind her back because she knows it: The Evil Bitch Monster of Death. I was debating going with that, but TEBMD is a long acronym sthat doesn’t really roll off the tongue. Professor Walsh it is.

She says that she’s going to talk fast and run a hard class, which cues more moody music and sad eyes from Buffy. Seriously? Because a class will be hard? No, Buffy, I have no feels for this. Professor Walsh jokes that people should join the football players in Geology 101 if they want an easy class.

That night, Buffy is wandering around campus which is inexplicably empty because THIS ISN’T COLLEGE. I don’t know where we are (Lor: Contrivance U!), but it’s not college. Anyway, she runs into a guy named Eddie who is also totally lost and they joke about their lostness, but he has a map and so now they know where they’re going, together, wee!

As they walk, he mentions Of Human Bondage, which Buffy does not recognize as a book title. It’s cool, B, remember that time when I had no idea we were reading Call of the Wild? He keeps the book by his bed as a sort of security blanket. Buffy almost reveals her secret identity when she says that she doesn’t have a security blanket unless you count Mr. Pointy. I would feel a lot more secure if I knew I could stake vampires, so yeah, it counts.

K: I actually wrote a note to my future, post-commenting-on self while watching this episode that said “Reassurance that “Of Human Bondage” contains no actual bondage. Pretty sure Buffy, Lor and Sweeney all just heaved a sigh of relief.”

Sweeney: Indeed. They part ways on a seriously flirty note and it’s cute. Unfortunately, he is then seized by a vampire, which gives me all the sadness. They then go into his dorm, take all his shit, and leave a note on his bed.

The next day, Buffy looks for him after class, but he is, unsurprisingly, not there. She goes to his dorm and his RA explains that there are always a few kids like Eddie who just can’t handle it and bail. The UC Sunnydale explanation for all things Hellmouth! (L: It’s the new PCP.) Buffy reads the note and is totes depressed, BUT THEN. She sees that the book is still in his top drawer, so she gets her Nancy Drew on.

Back in the grunge-vampire lair, they are sifting through all of Eddie’s stuff (he’s lying there, all sorts of dead) and the head vampire is annoyed that all of his stuff is boring and they need to start killing some cooler people.

K: I laugh hysterically because she’s throwing CDs around. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I listened to a CD.

Sweeney: They also keep tabs on the posters — their freshman kills always seem to have either a Klimt or a Monet poster.

Head vamp is annoyed with them and storms out. A minion who she makes fun of for being fat (“That sweater doesn’t make you look fat; the fact that you’re fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.”) says that she should just make Dead Eddie get her food. “That’s pretty much the plan,” she says, as Eddie’s eyes open. Dun dun dun!

Buffy walks into Giles’ apartment to discover not Giles but a pants-less lady friend. Giles enters wearing a robe, and he is not sharing Buffy’s sense of awkward. Olivia, as we learn her name to be, leaves to put more clothes on and Buffy freaks out about this being a bad time. Giles asks if he’s not supposed to have a private life, to which Buffy responds, “No, because you’re very, very old and it’s gross.” Womp. Giles takes it like a champ, though, because he’s Giles and he’s the best.

He asks her to explain what her brings her there before he succumbs to the ravages of age. She explains that Eddie is missing and jumps straight to gang of vampires. She’s not wrong, of course, but it’s also not a particularly convincing argument. More importantly, though, her proposed research strategy is something that she’s perfectly capable of doing herself.

Giles gives her a speech about doing things for herself, now that she’s out of school and a grown-up and stuff. See, college freshman, Buffy understands how you feel the first time your mom tells you that you have to do your own laundry.

Lor: Boo on Buffy for busting in on Giles and being a brat about him having a life and boo on Giles for this method of throwing B out of the nest.

Sweeney: +1 on both counts. Buffy is walking around campus at night again and it now has people walking around it, which makes actual sense, unlike before. Buffy spots Undead Eddie and chases after him, thinking he is Not Dead Eddie. As she’s saying that she was worried about him, he turns around vamp grill on. He attacks and she stakes him pretty quickly.

But then! The blonde lead vamp from before appears behind her to make sarcastic commentary on the terrible challenge of facing the slayer, as several of her minions also appear and circle her. Lead vamp’s name is Sunday and she says she’ll be killing Buffy in a minute. Her Stoner Minion wants to know if they’re going to fight or just have a monster sarcasm rally.

Sunday manages to distract Buffy for a second with a comment about her clothes and then she attacks. They fight some more and Sunday is mostly winning. Eventually Sunday breaks Buffy’s arm. She gets up, wounded and surrounded, and decides to run rather than stay and fight. The next day, she has a giant bruise on her face and doesn’t want to face her friends.

Lor: It is about this time when I lose it with this episode because I call BULLSHIT on Sunday beating Buffy up for no apparent reason.

K: Agreed. I’m pretty sure its point is to emphasise the “Buffy’s a little fish in a big pond” thing. But it’s still dumb. 

Lor: Yes, they should’ve separated this. She’s the same slayer she’s always been.

Sweeney: EXACTLY. This scene makes no sense, other than it’s contrivance-tastic contribution to Buffy’s wholly unbelievable  feels plot.

We see the vamp gang in their basement laughing at Buffy. Sunday assures them that Buffy won’t last the night.

Buffy goes home to see her mom who is similarly unhelpful because she didn’t think that Buffy would show for a while and also Joyce has filled Buffy’s room with packing crates. Joyce insists that it’s still Buffy’s room because Joyce didn’t move anything and also she really didn’t think Buffy would be back so soon, a point she makes a million times. The phone rings and Buffy answers it, but nobody is there.

Back at her residence hall, she goes into her room to find it emptied out in the same fashion that Eddie’s was, including the, “I can’t handle this,” note. Buffy sits down on her bed, filled with feels rather than rage, because she’s thinking, “Maybe I should just leave.”

I just can’t buy this whole plot. It’s ridiculous. Buffy has lived away from home before, and there just isn’t really anything in this episode that seems outside her depth and it frustrates me more than anything else.

Lor: SEE? YES. I even forgot about the whole “Anne” thing and how KICKASS she was while taking care of herself there. I think they had to address the newness of college, and I can even buy B feeling alienated and overwhelmed, but this regression of character development? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. I think of the Buffy who got her heart shattered and still went on to face Hellhounds to protect prom, and I compare her to this Buffy and, well, did I say NOPE? Because NOPE. I ain’t buying you, episode.

K: Seriously. It’s not even like she moved to the other side of the country and has to make new friends or anything. She lives five miles from home, can drop in on Giles any time she likes, and has classes with her best friends. DIDDUMS. LIFE IS SO HARD. 

Sweeney: Buffy goes to The Bronze to hear moody singing. She freaks out when she things she spots Angel at the bar, but she doesn’t. Her broody reverie is actually thankfully interrupted by Xander! Look at you, Xander, being useful!

She gets really excited to see him and asks him to catch her up on his adventures. He got as far as Oxnard (which is still in California) when the engine literally fell out of his car. He cleaned dishes at a strip club for a month and a half saving up to pay for the repairs (what about all the gas money he theoretically would have saved up for a cross-country road trip?) and it’s implied that he maybe stripped one night too. (K: Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth over that mental image. Pass the Brain Bleach?) Once he had the money, he traded his car in and came home. He now sleeps in the basement and has to pay rent.

Buffy tries to tell Xander that college is good, but he knows her well enough to call bullshit on her fake enthusiasm. “You’re sitting here alone at The Bronze looking like you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.” She relents and explains that there is a vampire she doesn’t know how to stop, to which Xander replies, “Where’s the gang? Avengers assemble!” But she doesn’t want to bother anybody, she says. (L: Avengers reference!) (K: Do you think that counts as Whedon foreshadowing? I mean, I know the guy’s good. But is he ten-years-into-the-future good??)

Xander then gives her a speech about how this is all about fear and she can’t let it control her. He struggles through his speech and it’s kind of stupid, but sweet. The point is that she’s Buffy and college hasn’t changed that. I’m trying to decide if I’m actually starting to like Xander or if I’m just so annoyed by the rest of this episode that he is great by comparison. Regardless, I like Xander right now. There. I said it.

The speech goes on to say that when he’s afraid, he thinks, “What would Buffy do?” because she’s his hero. Yep. I’m sticking by the statement.

Lor: Me too. I really liked this bit with him.

K: As the Snark Squad’s resident Supernatural fan, I can’t not include this: 

Sweeney: Buffy and Xander go to an office of some sort that serves as their Wiggins-substitute. (IT’S NOT THE SAME! SADNESS!) They both come up with 1982 as the magic year to revisit — it’s when the disappearances first became common and also when a frat house lost its charter and their building was left dormant because of zoning issue contrivance. I’m less confused by the latter bit of contrivance than by the idea that the college wouldn’t be a major vampire feeding ground to begin with.

They go look at the house and Buffy sits on a skylight THAT LOOKS DOWN ON THE ROOM WE SAW THEM ALL HANGING OUT IN. WUT? Sloppy. This episode is just sloppy. (L: LOLOL. A SUN LIGHT. BEST.) Anyway, she watches them rummage through her shit. She freaks out as she watches them pull each thing out — including her diary. Xander runs off to get weapons.

She starts to give a speech to the air about how she’s going to get them (soon) when the window gives out and she falls into the vamp lair. When she lands, Sunday says, “Don’t I know you from beating you up?” Buffy backs away and Sunday adds, “I  must admit this is a diabolical plan: throw yourself at my feet with a broken arm and no weapons of any kind. How am I supposed to get out of this one?”

Buffy says that she made one mistake and the music swells before cutting out when Buffy admits that she has no idea what that mistake is, just that statistically, it’s a good bet. Sunday punches her in the face.

Back in B’s dorm room, Kathy, Willow and Oz discuss the weirdness of Buffy’s note and empty half of the room. Willow freaks out because Buffy wouldn’t do anything like this except for the one time when she did but there were circumstances and OMG WE MISSED THE CIRCUMSTANCES! Squish! She asks how Oz can be so calm. “Long, arduous hours of practice.”

K: Oh, Oz. You’re the best.

Sweeney: Xander shows up to say that it’s a prank, played by Buffy’s friends who sleep all day and have no tans, as a means of telling Willow and Oz without telling Kathy. Xander notes that the chest of weapons is gone, so they are going to have to go to Willow’s.

Outside, Willow asks if Buffy is in danger. Xander insists that they have time, as we segue magic to her getting her ass kicked some more. Sunday mocks Buffy’s Class Protector umbrella. PUT THAT DOWN, GIRL. She does. And steps on it.

Lor:

K: Screw you, Sunday.

Sweeney: She grabs Buffy’s arm, and then she suddenly gets some fight back in her. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to fight for too long, because the gang show up and start staking minion vamps. Buffy and Sunday banter some more. She assures Sunday that the arm isn’t actually broken. As the Scoobies enter, she does the stake twirl! Then she throws it at Sunday. Game over.

K: Let’s all stop and cheer for the return of BAMF Buffy, shall we?

Sweeney: I want to, but I’m too annoyed with this episode. I’ll cheer for the fact that it’s almost over, though.

As they leave with her stuff in boxes, Xander comments on the fact that all that other stuff is just going to sit there. He calls dibs on the rowing machine because he wants to grow up to be Kevin Spacey on House of Cards. Also because those things are awesome and probably expensive.

Giles runs up with arms full of weapons and he feels really bad for ditching her because he’s ready to fight the evil and fight it together. Buffy says that’s great and keeps walking. “The evil is that way?” he asks. Her room is. All’s well with Buffy and she’s herself again and blah blah.

Meanwhile, a vamp who got away just before Buffy staked Sunday is running through campus. He stops because he hears a noise and then gets electrocuted. Military guys with face masks circle around him. (L: This must be the side of the school where they don’t notice military men with guns.) The episode comes to a close. Season 4, however, is just getting started. I’ll be at the Table of Ugh, drinking heavily.

K: So will we all. It’s all downhill from here… 

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: We aren’t sure who is more annoying, Buffy’s new roommate or all of the Scoobies for not believing Buffy about her new roommate. Help us decide in S04 E02 – Living Conditions.