Game of Thrones S02 E03 – We do not sew.

Previously: Varys found out Tyrion rolled into town with Shae, Gendry finds out Arya belongs to House Stark, Theon finds out his family is pretty much a bunch of douches, and the Snark Ladies find out there are only so many ew-face gifs we can use in one post.
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What is Dead May Never Die

Lorraine: For the approximately 2 of you might’ve noticed such a thing, yes it is Sweeney’s turn for a Game of Thrones episode. No, I am not Sweeney. But! Alas, she had some Real Life Thangs that needed taking care of so I switched episodes with her. That out of the way, opening credits field trip! We travel to King’s Landing, Dragonstone, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Vaes Dothrak.

Papa Incest pushes Jon Snow into a room where his fellow Wall-mates are sleeping. He yells at them to all get out as he kicks Snow in the face. Lord Commander Mormont roughly yells at Jon to wait outside, so he leaves.

We cut to the Lord Commander looking for Jon, presumably after a conversation with Papa Incest. Samwell is on hand, attending to Jon’s wounds. We only see him for a second, but Sam seems to be doing so gently and lovingly. You know how we sometimes play the “AND THEN THEY DIE!” game? Sometimes, I feel like a secondary game in these recaps might be “or it was all in a Snark Lady’s imagination.”

Sweeney: Introducing that game is long overdue because it is everywhere.

Lor: We do what we want.

The Lord Commander tells Sam to skedaddle and then questions Jon, who admits he followed Papa Incest into the woods. Jon deduces that this isn’t news to the Lord Commander. LCM explains that the baby boys Papa Incest is handing over to the White Walkers as sacrifices. Jon thinks this is monstrous, but Papa Incest has often helped out Night’s Watch rangers. Apart from needing Papa’s help, LCM’s argument is that when you have freaky, cannibalistic creatures sacrificing babies, maybe you should first focus on the freaky, cannibalistic creatures part. Something like that, I’m sure. Jon saw the White Walker and the Lord Commander says he’ll probably see one again.

Sweeney: All this ambiguity surrounding DOING THE RIGHT THING and HONOR and all of that is really going to help Jon hone his brooding, though.

Lor: I guess that’s one way to look at it.

The next day, Sam is stacking crates when he sees Gilly walk by. He stops her as he wants to give her a present. He opens his hand and to me it looks like a teeny, tiny baby bottle. Sam says it belonged to his mother and that she used it for sewing so I’m going to amend my guess to, “thimble.” It’s the only thing he has that belongs to his mom. He charges Gilly with keeping it safe.

Winterfell. Hodor bends a little and smiles happily and we hear some panting. Direwolf Vision! Maester Luwin calls to Hodor and tells him to wake Bran for his lessons. We follow behind Hodor in our Direwolf Vision all the way to Bran’s room. We even climb up on his bed just as he wakes up panting, sweating and looking into the eyes of the direwolf he was just riding around inside of.

Later, Bran is telling Luwin about his Direwolf Vision! dreams, though they seem like more than just dreams. He sniffs dirt and even tastes blood in his mouth. Luwin tells him that once upon a time, magical people who could animal-surf did exist, but they are all gone now. Bran protests, as he even dreamt about his father dying.  Luwin points out, though, that he’s surely dreamed plenty of things that did not come true. Luwin finds a particular link in his Maester chains, made of Valyrian steel. He got it for studying spells, though he failed at magic. It’s all in the pronunciation and flick of the wrist, Luwin.

Sweeney: This was really just mandatory. I was watching and I thought, “I wonder what Harry Potter reference Lor is going to make here.”

Lor: This is the type of predictability I’m okay with.

Anyways, Luwin’s point is that he failed at magic, so clearly that means magic is dead.

Sweeney: Not his actual words, but totally his argument, which is a super arrogant argument. Don’t listen to stupid grownups, Bran. They don’t know shit.

Lor: Speaking of grownups, doesn’t Bran look a bit older? He’s like one breath away from a five o’clock shadow. Or it was all in this Snark Lady’s imagination.

Cheers and jeers bring us into the next scene where two armored men fight each other in front of a sizable and boisterous crowd. I have trouble following the fight, but soon enough the loser is on his back and the winner draws a knife. The Loser is the Knight of the Flowers, or if you’ll recall, Flowery Justin Bieber. He yields and Renly, wearing a crown and seated on a raised platform calls forth the winner, who kneels in front of him. He orders him to remove his helmet and IT’S A GIRL. The music swells all, “OH SHIT SON. DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!” No, I didn’t musical score. I definitely did not. I feel slightly sexist for calling her “he” this whole time, but only slightly.

Sweeney: Nope. Westeros is a pretty sexist, vagina-hating place. The gasps and swelling music are confirmation that you were using the expected pronoun.

Lor: Also, homegirl is tall. I paused the episode to look the actress up and she is in fact six-foot-three. God bless her.

For winning against Bieber, Renly offers her, Brienne of Tarth, anything within his power. She would like a place within his kingsguard. He grants it to her.

After that, Catelyn Stark is presented before Renly as an envoy on behalf of Robb Stark. Renly presents the woman next to him as his wife, Margaery of House Tyrell. Cat kindly bows her head, but it more looks like she sizing a bitch up.

Sweeney: NATALIE DORMER. Size away, Lady Cat. I mean, I don’t give any shits about Margaery Tyrell. Though it’s interesting to see an adaptation age up a female character so much more than her male counterparts. (Or, I mean, the actress; I can’t imagine TV!Margaery is actually supposed to be 31.) Based on the rest of the season, though, I think they were basically like, “This character is pretty close to Anne Boelyn. Let’s go with it.”

Lor: Renly says that he will bring justice to the Lannisters for murdering Ned Stark. He will have Joffrey’s head. All the surrounding men and equally strong women (gaining my non-sexist points back!) cheer. Flowery Bieber says that Robb should’ve come himself to seek an alliance, and Cat, without even turning back to look at him, says that her son is fighting a war, not playing at one. Absolutely. The first thing I thought when this scene started was how dumb it was to waste soldiers on tournaments.

Renly and Catelyn walk through his camp. He stops to inquire after a passing subject and it’s all very This is What Good Kings Do. Cat says it’s a game to him, and that she pities his armies.

Renly looks insulted and tells Brienne to escort Cat to her tent. He says he’s off to pray but I’m thinking he wants to go start getting ready for winter. I bet he’s wondering where he stashed his winter boots.

Sweeney: This scene is really interesting to me because it highlights that there is some truth to the notion that Renly would be a good, well-liked king. It also demonstrates that he is no soldier. He may be beloved if he acquired the throne, but that’s useless if he lacks the means to get there.

Lor: Agreed. He has the schmoozing part of politics down, that’s for sure.

Pyke. Theon walks into a room with enough candles to remind me of the Yankee Candle Lair that belonged to the Master during the first season of Buffy. Yara is behind him and when Theon notices, he lashes out at her for tricking him. She thinks it’s on him for not recognizing her, but he says he hadn’t seen her in years. Yara says she recognized him, but that’s faulty. He was standing on the dock basically shouting his name. Yara cheated.

Balon Greyjoy enters and says it is time to let Theon in on their conquest plans. Since Robb (whom he calls the wolf pup which is totes disrespectful of his status as DIREBOSS) has all of his armies moving south, Balon wants to invade the north. He gives Yara 30 ships to go forth and ravage with and he gives Theon 1 shipped apparently named “The Sea Bitch.” Theon is not happy. He tries to convince his father to abandon this plan and swear fealty to Robb but Balon reminds Theon of their words: we do now sow. I think it would’ve been awesomer if they were, “we do not sew.” FUCK SEWING, MAN.

Sweeney: Arya wasn’t having any of that sewing shit either.

Lor: A+ observation. Look where great sewing got Sansa.

Balon explains that not sowing means they aren’t subject to anything, I guess not even the Earth and seeds and seasons or fruits or vegetables. They just take whatever they want. We steal shit in this family, son! Balon says Ned Stark made him soft, and Theon reminds him he didn’t choose to go live with Ned. Balon gave Theon away and then bent a knee to Robert Baratheon, so I guess every once in a while the Greyjoys do metaphorically sow. Balon bitch slaps Theon but it doesn’t stop his son’s rant. He was given away, like an unwanted dog, and now he’s being cursed upon his return home. Balon just walks out of the room. Yara asks Theon to make his choice between his two families quickly.

Sweeney: A hot second to acknowledge Theon’s feels and how fucking rough this whole bit was for him, and, you know, negative a million feels for Papa Greyjoy.

Now back to generally regarding Theon as a megadouche.

Lor: King’s Landing. Tyrion Lannister is reading while Shae paces and complains about not being able to leave the room. Tyrion shushes her and she shouts that Tywin Lannister, papa of the Lannisters and over all prostitute hater, is three hundred miles away and cannot hear her. Tyrion says he might be able to sneak her into the kitchens to work. She isn’t about pot-scrubbing or cooking, though. Tyrion rehashes the fact that he doesn’t want Cersei to know about Shae and thus exploit his weakness. Shae is all, “YOUR FACE IS A WEAKNESS.” Almost.

Now it’s time to check in and see how miserable Sansa is. She’s eating at a table with Cersei and her two other children. The girl child asks her mother when Joffrey and Sansa will be married. Cersei replies just as soon as the war is over. The girl goes on about the two gowns she will be wearing and the ivory gown Sansa will wear. Cersei prods Sansa to reply to the girl, whose name is given as Myrcella. Sansa replies with a forced speech about pledging her love to Joffrey. Cersei looks at her thoughtfully, though her smile momentarily falters and she swallows hard.

Sweeney: I love this moment. It’s another champion moment for Lena Headey more than Cersei, but whatever. It’s just a look, but there’s a definite moment of empathy there. You know, before she chokes that shit back and resumes Uber Bitch status.

Lor: Now it’s time for the boy to make this dinner more awkward, and ask if Joffrey will kill Robb Stark. Sansa quickly pick up her cup and drinks, probably to hide the, “FOR FUCKS SAKE,” that almost slipped out. Cersei says maybe Robb will die but it doesn’t matter because Sansa will do her duty. Poor, poor Sansa.

Sweeney: I don’t think anyone doubts that Cersei understands Sansa’s actual feels at this moment. That said, I think most people will write this off as another Cersei-being-a-heinous-bitch moment. Honestly, I think it does contain a bit of for-Sansa’s-own-good meaning to it, too. She’s not even saying that Sansa’s going to be happy about it; she just reminds Sansa what her duty is, because forgetting that will get people killed. I know that there’s a lot at stake for Cersei too, but as her evil offspring gets worse, Cersei seems to develop a bit of a soft spot for Sansa. My two cents.

Lor: I think Cersei’s general feels for Sansa are, “sucks for her, but I made it through and look at me now. We do what we must.”

In her room, Sansa is looking into a clouded mirror probably while the Strings of Ancient Sadness play, because her future is cloudy and sad. Shae comes in and introduces herself as the new handmaiden. The rest of this scene is Shae making it clear that she has no idea what a handmaiden does and Sansa bratting, though she totally deserves any and all brat time. Brat all you want, girl.

Sweeney: Indeed. Teenage angst on steroids. BRAT ON.

Lor: Tyrion visits Grand Maester Pycell, under the guise of not being able to “take a proper shit in days.” I’d like to think that what ever Pycell gave him is going to make his shit really polite.  Tyrion conspiratorially confides in Pycell his plan of sealing a new alliance by marrying princess Myrcella off to the younger son of House Martell of Dorne.

Sweeney: Pretty sure this is the only reason the show bothered to make sure we caught her name in the dinner scene.

Lor: We quick cut within the same scene and see that now it is Varys sitting with Tyrion as he stresses that the Queen mustn’t know. He tells Varys that he plans to marry Myrcella to Theon Greyjoy.

He stresses again that the Queen mustn’t know again, but this time we see it’s to Littlefinger. He tells him that he’s marrying Myrcella to Lady Aaryn’s crazy ass son, Robyn. (S: Probs the most horrifying prospect of all. EWFOREVER.) He promises Littlefinger Harrenhal, which is the castle that was given to Wine and Dine (Janos Slynt) before Tyrion shipped him off to the Wall during last episode. Dubious but intrigued, Littlefinger seems to agree to help arrange the marriage.

We go over to Renly’s camp where he is inside of his tent making out with Flowery Bieber, or fine, Loras Tyrell. Loras is all bruised thanks to that fight he lost against Brienne. Renly points out that it looks like it hurts and that puts Loras in a foul mood. He’s embarrassed by being beaten by a woman. Loras won’t let Renly kiss him anymore. Anyways, Renly should be kissing his sister, whom he married two weeks ago and is still officially a virgin.

Sweeney: Lots of lolz over Renly’s, “HA, but we all know she’s totes not one so it’s NBD, right?” Plus, Jonathan Rhys Meyers has to be a tough act to follow.

Lor: Renly pours himself a big ass goblet of wine. (Confession: I caught during editing that I originally typed, “a big ass goblet of win.” INDEED.) (S: This sounds like a beverage we will sell at the Traumaland Liquor Store. Or perhaps the Ruined For Life Bar.)  Margaery Tyrell enters wearing a boobies-revealing gown. He gets one look at her and already blames the wine for everything that is about to happen. Margaery takes off her gown and gets to kissing and grabbing and groping Renly, but he’s clearly uncomfortable and just not responding. Margaery asks if he wants her brother to come and he is shocked. She says that Loras can come in and get him started or maybe she can turn around and he can pretend she’s Loras. She tells Renly that he can lie to other people, but the truth is that she needs a baby in her belly to keep alliances strong. He continues to be uncomfortable and she continues to try and help him. “With me. With me and Loras. However else you like. Whatever you need to do. You are a king.”  I know this entire scene is a little strange and, hello incesty threesome because we were missing that, but I can’t help that it endears me to Margaery.

Sweeney: Ditto. The last thing this show needs is another excuse for incest scenes, but it’s a win for Margaery, as a boss political wife.

Lor: Back to King’s Landing where Tyrion enters Cersei’s room. She’s in a huff over him trying to sell off her daughter like a common whore, so clearly someone who was not supposed to tell the Queen told the Queen. She goes on about how the Martells hate them, revealing to Tyrion and us that it was Pycell who was the tattle-tale. She cries that Myrcella will be a hostage but Tyrion kindly offers, “guest.” BAM. Sorry, I just like to see Cersei squirm a bit, thinking about someone doing to Myrcella what she’s done to Sansa. (S: I’m absolutely on board with Cersei squirming.) She threatens Tyrion, saying that the piece of paper proclaiming him the Hand won’t keep him safe. Afterall, Ned Stark had a piece of paper, and also she is excellent at ripping those up. NO THREAT OF PAPER CUT WILL STOP HER. Tyrion says what’s done is done and anyways, with a war coming, Myrcella will be safest out of the city. “Do you want to see her raped, butchered like the Targaryen children?” Cersei pushes him and tells him to get out.

Theon sits at a table and looks over a letter by candlelight. I pause it so I can write it here:

Robb,
I hope this reaches you in time. My father has rejected the offer and plans to attack the North, raiding the shores and taking Deepwood Motte. Mobilize your army and make for the North before it’s too late. I’ll write again when I can.
Theon

After thinking it over, Theon decides to burn the letter. The camera pulls back in a great shot where we see Theon surrounded by darkness, holding the burning letter.

In the next scene Theon is consecrating his faith to the drowned god, which if you are going to be a god, it’d be pretty sucky to be the loser-y one who drowned. (S: Also, why are we pledging our faith to the loser-y one who drowned?) Anyways, he repeats phrases and gets water poured over his head. He also gets bonus points for saying the episode title. He keeps looking up to his father and sister. Whatever, Theon. You picked the sucky family.

Sweeney: I want to feel for Theon’s struggle, but it’s not really about his father’s love. All of his arrogance and bravado as he headed home spoke volumes about why he is making this choice. He views this as the path to personal glory. If I really believed it was about trying to regain a place within his family for family’s sake, I might feel sorrier for him, but that’s just not the read I’m getting.

Lor: Tyrion sits around looking pensive, as he often often does. Littlefinger comes in, annoyed that he was lied to about getting Harrenhal. He doesn’t want to be involved in Tryion’s little tricks. It’s a shame, Tyrion says, because he thinks Lady Catelyn could be convinced to release Jaime Lannister. And wouldn’t Littlefinger just love to see Lady Cat?

Bronn enters at that moment, and says he’s found the “filthy old stoat,” so we know he means Pycelle. Apparently he’s got company, but Bronn isn’t above interrupting.

Pycelle lies in bed with a naked woman. Bronn and Tyrion and a large, threatening man break down the door. Tyrion accuses Pycell of being a spy. He says all he did was not for the Queen, necessarily, but for House Lannister. He’s always served Tywin. Tyrion gets some funny lines in about cutting off Pycell’s manhood and feeding it to some non-existing goats. Bronn just LOL’s in the background.

Finally, though, he orders Bronn and the large, threatening man to throw Pycelle into a black cell. They drag him out and Tyrion walks over to the cowering naked woman. He gives her a coin for her trouble. He starts to walk away and gets an eyeful of a scantily dressed Pycelle fighting off the two men dragging him away. He double backs and leaves another coin for the naked women with an understanding nod. She nods back all, “Yeah. That’s more like it.” At least she isn’t a kitchen wench?

Sweeney: I don’t know, I think I’d choose kitchen wench over Pycelle sex. I don’t really know/understand what kitchen wench entails, I just know Pycelle sex sounds horrifying.

Lor: Maybe that’s the choice Tyrion should’ve given Shae.

Varys and Tyrion sit together. The eunuch wonders if he should be worried now that Tyrion has managed to get rid of Pycelle and Wine and Dine. It’s at that moment that my love for Tyrion grows a little bit. He really is deftly watching his own back. I mean, maybe this will all come back to bite him in the ass, but it’s just interesting to compare his take on Hand of the King to Ned’s. Less honor, more smarts. (S: I STILL MISS NED.) (DEFINITELY.) Varys gives Tyrion a riddle about a king, a priest and a rich man. There is also a sellsword in the room. They all ask the sellsword to kill the other two men. Who does he listen to? Tyrion thinks it depends on the sellsword, as the real power lies with the man with the big, pointy, killing thing. Vary asks why, if soldiers have the power, do kings rule? It’s all very deep and explores a main theme of the show. Power is a perception thing, and can be wielded by people you would not always expect. Like a woman warrior, a dwarf, or a eunuch.

ARYA! I’m so glad we get to check in with her. (S: +1. Also, goes well with the prior point. Even a little girl, if she happens to be a direboss.) Her traveling companions are all sleeping as she carefully cleans her sword. Yoren enters and tells her she should be sleeping as they will be walking 30 miles the next day. Arya admits she can’t sleep so Yoren offers her a little wine. She declines, saying she doesn’t like the taste and Yoren confesses: You don’t drink it for the flavor to be honest. I think the Traumaland Liquor Store has a new option for it’s motto. (S: True story: Lor and I exchanged emails discussing our need for a Truamaland Liquor Store motto.) She wonders how he sleeps with all the bad things he’s seen. He catches her drift and says she didn’t see her father’s execution, because he made damn sure she didn’t. I thought maybe she might’ve seen his headless body, though. Anyways, she says she closes her eyes at night and sees them all standing there just before the execution. She sees her sister.

Yoren tells us a story about how he watched his brother be killed by a man named William. He can’t remember his brother’s face anymore but he remembers William’s. He eventually killed William with an ax and then rode all the way to the Wall. I think the point of this story is that Arya should stick the pointy end of her sword right through Joffrey. Yeah! That! Also, Yoren is pretty awesome.

Sweeney: Arya killing Joffrey is my new favorite headcanon.

Lor: This pow-wow is interrupted by horns and Yoren yells at the men to get up and get armed. He tells Gendry and Arya to stay out of sight and to run North in case of trouble. Yoren yells, “There’s men out there who want to fuck your corpses!” at the other recruits and it is at this point, that I fear for his life. Someone hasn’t died recently, and why not the tertiary character who just got a sympathetic monologue?

Sweeney: You’re getting really good at successfully playing the AND THEN (S)HE DIES game.

Lor: We see Mop Head, one of the boys Arya has interacted with a couple of times, spot Gendry’s bullhead helmet. He picks it up and we move outside. Yoren stomps up to the Goldcloaks who demand the bastard boy. The lead Goldcloak identifies himself as Ser Amory Lorch, one of Tywin Lannister’s bannermen. Yoren is not impressed and he spits on the ground. HE SPITS. HE SPITS SPIT. He is totally going to die.

Sweeney: Spitting: the Game of Thrones Sign of Imminent Death.

Lor: Amory signals to one of his men who shoots Yoren with a crossbow. Yoren says, “I always hated crossbows. Take too long to load.” The crossbow-man is indeed struggling to load his bow, and in the meanwhile Yoren slices open his throat. He continues to fight off men with an arrow in his shoulder. Another soilder spears him through the leg in a way that recalls Ned’s leg-spearing. Even then he gets a few more hits in. Amory finishes Yoren off with a sword to the neck. You did good, Yoren. Thanks for helping our Arya!

Gendry and few other of the boys who were hiding all start running out now to fight. Arya does too, but A-Man (Jaqen H’ghar) calls to her from where he is locked up in his wagon cage. “Sweet boy! A man can fight! Save us!” She tosses them an axe but doesn’t wait around to see him use it. The Goldcloaks make quick work of the men. One of the soldiers takes Arya out and grabs her sword. As they gather up the survivors to be taken back to Harrenhal, we see that the Mop Head has been shot through the leg with an arrow. He calls out to the soldier who took Needle and says he can’t walk and needs to be carried. Needle-Stealer says ain’t nobody got time for that, and pierces him through the throat with Needle.

Now, Amory announces to them all that they are looking for Gendry. After some silence and looks back and forth, Arya thinks on her feet and says they already got him. The camera pans to where Mop Head lays dead, the bullshead helmet not far from him. The camera stays on the helmet while the suspenseful music swells and cut to black.

Nobody better hurt Arya.

Sweeney: Word. We will cut a bitch.

 

Next time of Game of Thrones: Joffrey continues to prove why he needs to be stabbed immediately in S02 E04 – Garden of Bones.