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Sweeney: Since Lor traded places with me, I’ll go ahead and open with her weather girl routine from the credits: Today we’re going to King’s Landing. Harrenhal (!!). Pyke. Winterfell. The Wall. Across the narrow sea, we will be going to a new place called Qarth. How’d I do, Lor?
Lorraine: Not bad at all, girlfriend! You’ll be as good as Karen in no time.
Sweeney: A girl can dream.
It’s raining and two nameless Lannister bannermen are playing a good game of “Who would win” in a series of hypothetical fights. They’re Team Jaime 4EVA. One concedes that Tyrell is the fairest swordsman in all the land, and the other makes a joke about stabbing Renly for years without killing him. Get it? His penis is a sword.
Anyway, there are some rustling noises and the gay-joke-teller gets up because the horses seem spooked. Lots of ominous noises leading up to…a fart. HA! IGOTCHU! Yeah, this guy has sufficiently annoyed me in his three minutes on screen, so his death is obviously imminent. Has he spit yet?
(I rewatched, and no. He does fart. And pee. Close enough?)
Lor: I’m not sure, but I hate potty humor so, yeah. Close enough. He can die now.
Sweeney: Same. The guy who just got fart-pranked is all, “No but srsly!” And then Robb’s Direwolf appears to murder his face off. Segue magic to Robb leading his bannermen on horses chanting “King of the North.”
Lor, can we just declare ourselves kings of some stuff? I’d say queen, but nobody is running around declaring themsevles queens; king seems like the easier thing to claim.
Lor: I’m torn between picking something really all inclusive, like air, so that I can be King of all you bitches, or going for the obvious, like chocolate. King of the Chocolate, mmmmmm.
Sweeney: You know you can’t resist being King of the Chocolate.
Anyway, we cut to the next day, the aftermath of the battle. One of Robb’s men is telling him that they have a 5:1 ratio of Lannister dead to Stark dead, which sounds pretty great for Robb, except that they have nowhere to keep all the prisoners, and they’re almost out of food. Oops.
Robb refuses to execute or torture any of the prisoners because he read all the Zero Dark Thirty controversy. Right?
Lor: I don’t think that’s it, Sweeney.
Sweeney: Oh. Fine. It’s because his dad didn’t do torture and also because he doesn’t want to give the Lannisters any excuse to abuse his sisters. He apparently does not read our recaps, because otherwise he’d know that Arya was direboss enough to escape and that they are already doing a stellar job of torturing Sansa and killing her slowly.
Lor: Seriously. His thinking is, “I’m beating them in battles, but I’m not mistreating their prisoners so OBVS they are going to be totally nice to me.” SUUURE ROBB.
Sweeney: A pretty nurse is treating a man whose foot needs to be amputated and he’s not having it. Robb sits down to hold the guy still so she can get to the amputating. The guy doing the war-status-reporting sasses the nurse for helping a wounded Lannister man instead of one of their men, but homegirl is just interested in keeping people alive and gives no fucks about who claims them. Then she SAWS HIS FOOT OFF. She’s a beast. Robb gets hearts around his eyes as he watches her SAW A MAN’S FOOT OFF. Hawt.
Afterwards, he pester-flirts with her. This scene makes me think of Danielle’s first interaction with Henry in Ever After which was my favoritefavorite movie for years, so even though it’s actually not very good and Drew Barrymore’s accent is hilariously bad, that’s totes a compliment.
Lor: UH YEAH IT IS. I still list that movie in my top 10.
Sweeney: I do too. I just feel the need to clarify that I’m aware of what it says about my taste that I still love that movie.
I’m half expecting the badass nurse to quote Utopia. Instead, she gives him a speech about how all the they-did-this-to-us business that Robb stands for is a million years removed from the guy who lived in a fishing village, had probably never fought before he was forced into this war a few months ago, and most importantly he had absolutely nothing to do with the death of Ned Stark.
She also notes that since Robb doesn’t want that stupid uncomfortable throne, he’s fighting a war to overthrow a king with no plans for what comes next, which is a wee bit myopic. She hops on a wagon and rides off. Robb calls out that the guy was lucky that she was there. “He was unlucky that you were,” she replies.
Back in King’s Landing, Douche King Joffrey is pointing a fucking CROSSBOW at Sansa, because her suffering knows no end. He is demanding that she answer for her brother’s latest treasons. She is on her knees sobbing about how she has nothing to do with her traitor brother and this whole scene is just brutal. She has to give up what remains of her honor for the chance to continue living her prisoner’s existence. (GILDED CAGE. CONTINUE LIVING IN HER GILDED CAGE. Sorry. I tried to keep it in BUT I COULDN’T. #everafterforeverandeverafter)
The Cersei-fucking cousin gives a speech about Robb’s latest victory, but with emphasis on how it’s treason and some bonus bullshit about Robb’s men feasting on the flesh of the slain.
Joffrey can’t kill Sansa because Mama Cersei still has enough sway to convince him that he needs to keep her alive. Instead, he has one of his men beat the shit out of her, but spare her face because Joffrey likes her pretty. EW. I can think of few things that would make me want to be pretty less than that.
Tyrion helps Sansa up and tries to get in her confidence as they leave the room. He apologizes for Joffrey and asks if she wants out of the engagement. Sansa, having regained her stoic, emotionless composure, replies, “I am loyal to King Joffrey, my one true love” and leaves with her handmaidens. “Lady Stark, you may survive us yet.”
Indeed. She is an entirely different kind of DIREBOSS from her siblings, but she is one all the same. It’s sickening and painful to watch her retreat inside herself like this, but bitch is a survivor.
Lor: I love that Destiny’s Child dance parties have randomly become a thing in Game of Thrones recaps. Make sense of that one! Or, you know, JUST DANCE.
Sweeney: Pretty sure the first dance party was on an FSD post. It’s just a Snark Squad thing, which actually makes all sorts of sense.
Lor: More importantly, Tyrion keeps growing on me. And Sansa is absolutely a direboss. I would’ve been killed for my numerous, blatant attempts on Joffrey’s life by now.
Sweeney: DITTO. Or just suicide. Bronn theorizes that Joffrey’s problem is that he needs to get laid, and this conversation is just to remind us that Bronn and Tyrion know more sex euphemisms than anybody else in the history of ever. Also, for Bronn to have the best line of the episode: “There’s no cure for being a cunt.” NOPE.
Cut to Joffrey being told by The Hound that his Name Day present is waiting for him. Guys, I don’t want to know the future any more. I can’t fucking watch this.
The present is Ros and another prostitute. Ros tries to give Joffrey a handjob, but he shuts it down, telling her to touch the other prostitute. Then hit her. Then straight Christian Grey torture her. There’s a belt and then a big pointy pronged stick thing that I can’t identify and holy shit it’s horrifying.
Lor: I think it’s his scepter. It’s got antler-looking things on one end, because he’s (supposedly) a Baratheon. A stag. It’s absolutely horrifying both for it’s looks and for what it stands for and WHO MADE THIS LITTLE SHIT KING?
Sweeney: RIGHT. THE HORROR.
Ros hestitates with the horrifying scepter, so Joffrey loads his crossbow and tells her to get to beating so that she can take the seriously injured prostitute to Tyrion to show him what she’s done. The crying girl and the tortured look on Ros’s face and the ominous music IT’S ALL TOO MUCH. WE ALREADY HAVE ONE CHRISTIAN GREY ON THIS BLOG, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THIS TWICE IN ONE WEEK. PLEASE GO DIE NOW, JOFFREY.
Back at Renly’s play-war, Littlefinger shows up! Renly doesn’t like Littlefinger’s face. It takes a while for Littlefinger to get Renly to listen to him, do to the not liking his face, but the possibility of marching on King’s Landing to find open gates is appealing. Renly also seems extra arrogant in this scene.
Lor: Hubris. He’s totally gonna die.
Sweeney: Later that night Margaery and Littlefinger have a chat while she shows him to his tent. Basically they chat to indicate that Littlefinger knows about the lack of sex in their marriage. She shuts that down by telling him that it’s probably good that he didn’t get married since he doesn’t understand marriage. She breaks it down for him: “My husband is my king and my kind is my husband.”
I don’t know what book!Margaery is like, and I understand that The Tudors contained 0.5% historical accuracy (They used names of a few people who existed!) and I don’t understand why Margaery is this old, but in spite of all of that, I’m intrigued by tv!Margaery. It’s not that I like her, per se, but I am intrigued by her. (L: +1)
Back across the Narrow Sea, one of the horsemen returns alive, much to the surprise of everyone. He’s riding a horse that’s not his. Which turns out to be a good thing, because it was a gift from the people of the city he found. Three days to the east is Qarth. Ser Jorah, speaker of English, says that all he knows of this place is that the surrounding desert is filled with the bones of travelers who had the gates of Quarth slammed in their faces. So that’s promising! He also wins the coveted “saying the episode title” gold star.
We move from one HBIC to the other, as Arya is arriving at Harrenhal with her fellow prisoners. Inside the walls, a woman who is crazy creepy and more vacant and emotionless than Sansa, is continuing our Harrenhal exposition by talking about all the dead people. Someone is taken every single day. Nobody survives.
Later that night, our prisoners are sitting in their rainy outdoor prison-cell-pen and Arya is reciting names that include Joffrey and Cersei, so I’m assuming it’s the people she plans to kill. And I approve. Except The Hound. Don’t kill him.
Lor: So, last episode, Varys posed a riddle about who was responsible for Ned Stark’s death. Was it Joffrey or the executioner (who Arya names) or something else? Our girl answered that riddle with a, “fuck you. I’m killing all of you.”
Approved.
Sweeney: Speaking of the Ned Stark betrayals, Littlefinger finally gets to see Cat and she is PISSED, what with her trusting him and him betraying Ned right before his whole dying thing. In Littlefinger’s defense, he did try to convince Ned to not do the thing that got him dead, but I can see how that wouldn’t mean a whole lot to Cat.
Lor: Plus, you know, the knife he pulled on Ned.
Sweeney: Plus that.
In a true demonstration of not understanding what’s appropriate, he hits on her! He’s loved her since he was a boy, he says, and now that her husband’s dead, fate is totally on his side! Hilarious. On what level did this seem like a good idea, Littlefinger? He tries to touch her and she pulls a knife on him because she is having none of his shit.
Realizing how ineffective that move was, he asks if she ever wants to see her girls again. He lies that they have both girls and they are healthy and safe. Littlefinger says that he fears for their longevity if they remain in the capital, what with Cersei and Joffrey being made out of fucking crazy.
He’s offering Cat the girls in exchange for Jaime, to which she’s all, “LOL, kingslayer for two girls? Have you read Sweeney’s rants about Westeros and vagina value?” No. I guess not.
Anyway, Littlefinger has brought a gift from Tyrion, to demonstrate that this offer is in good faith. That gift is Ned Stark’s corpse. As a general rule, I’m going to say that corpses are not usually the best gift to woo the ladies. As Cat is having her big emotional moment, Littlefinger keeps talking because he’s an idiot, so she has to kick him out so that she can have her feels in peace.
Lor: Or throw up. Thanks for not warning me this trunk was full of my husband’s rotting probably headless corpse!
Sweeney: Back at Harrenhal, the prisoners are being woken up because the guards are coming to choose the day’s victim. A guy who supposedly never gets pick because of staring at the guards…gets picked. I’d pick the guy who fucking stares at me every single day too. The fat kid, who followed the staring advice, almost gets picked and pees himself. Maybe peeing isn’t a stand-in for spitting as Westeros sign of imminent death.
We now get to see the awful death that awaits everyone. They are strapped to a chair and interrogated about “the brotherhood,” though he clearly doesn’t know much. A bucket with a rat is strapped to the guys chest and fire held close to the end to encourage the rat to eat the guy’s insides, I guess. I don’t understand rat brain logic.
The next day, Stannis and Renly are having a little family reunion. Cat attends with Renly. They chat about how Stannis had to get a new sigil, what them them both being Baratheons; the Stag in the Stannis flag is on fire because his sigil is the firey heart of The Lord of Light. Creepy Red Lady says this, making it sound super creepy, regardless of whether it was meant to.
They banter about who has the right to the throne and Cat gets all motherly with them for fighting and being inadequately brotherly. The Baratheons are an interesting contrast to both the Starks and the Lannisters for their general lack of family loyalty. Robert put it best when he said that Ned was the brother he chose.
Renly makes some jokes about how hot Creepy Red is, and how that explains his cult-convert status. Stannis is having none of the lolz and tells him to stand the fuck down or be obliterated. Just because they’re brothers, Stannis will give Renly until dawn to change his mind before the obliterating goes down.
Daenerys arrives at Qarth to find herself greeted by soldiers, which is a bit of a surprise, since she expected a cuddly welcome. Ser Jorah reminds her that an approaching Dothraki horde would inspire a similar response from most people, but she’s all, “LOL, these starving bastards?” Paraphrasing a little.
A chubby amiable dude steps forward and he exchanges greetings with Daenerys, though he knows who she is already. He says something about his name being quite long and quite impossible for foreigners to pronounce and I laugh on Lor’s behalf, because she has lots of stories about her actual name being a strugglebus.
Lor: Yep. That’s the downside of writing on the Internet with a pen name. I can’t tell all my strugglebus name stories. You guys are missing out.
Sweeney: Indeed.
Anyway, he says that he’s just a merchant. He gestures to the people behind him, and says that they are The Thirteen, and their duty is to protect Qarth, “the greatest city that ever was or ever will be.” He wants to see the dragons, but she hesitates, and asks her people are fed first. The merchant’s all, “PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN,” because people are a bit skeptical about the dragon business.
Lor: She should probably just tell them that HBO budgeted all their money on blood and boobies and not CGI dragons. Maybe they’d be all, “fair.” and let her into the city.
Sweeney: A worthwhile strategy.
Daenerys gets a little uppity about how she comes from a place where guests are respected rather than insulted at the gates, so he suggests that she return to where she came from. Fair point, sir. Unwise move because you don’t yet know that she’s a BAMF, but fair point.
The thirteen start to go inside, but because Daenerys is both a BAMF and a hot-headed teenager, she stops them with a speech about how her full-grown dragons will take back what was stolen from them, lay waste to armies, and burn cities to the ground, and generally seek out those who wronged them to fuck their shit up. “Turn us away,” she says, “and we will burn you first.”
Our original merchant is unmoved by this speech, but a tall black guy steps forth, because someone noticed how white this cast is. Also, because he’s one of the thirteen and he wants to let her in. If they won’t do it as an entity, he’ll vouch for her himself, which involves slicing his hand open, because, you know, blood budget.
Speaking of blood budget, we cut back to Harrenhal to see the head of our earlier torture victim being pounded into a stake. The next victim turns out to be Gendry. NOT GENDRY. YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE. Arya keeps it together, but she looks like she’s as concerned as I am.
However, the torturing is halted by the arrival of none other than Papa Lannister! He doesn’t understand why the prisoners are in this outdoor pen, rather than in their cells. The cells are overflowing, the guard says, and it doesn’t really matter because usually after they are interrogated, they are killed. Tywin wants to know how these idiots think that they can spare all this able-bodied free laborer, because slave prisoners are way better than dead prisoners.
He asks Gendry, who is strapped to the chair, if he has a trade. When he admits that he’s a blacksmith, Tywin looks at the guards like, “Are you fucking kidding me with the wasteful killing?” Then the guards pull a sword on Arya and threaten to cut her open if she doesn’t kneel. No way, says Papa Lannister, because she’s a girl dressed as a boy. When she says it’s safer to travel that way, he says she’s smart unlike everyone around him. He says to put the prisoners to work and bring the girl because he needs a new cup-bearer. Arya is freaking the fuck out because she knows who he is and can’t chance him knowing who she is.
Sweeney: Back to King’s Landing, the superior Lannister is getting shit from the cousin-fucker, but he’s not really going to take it. A little banter and Tyrion makes it clear that he knows about the cousin-fucking and Tyrion makes another fantastic power-play move. Lancel was their on Cersei’s behalf to get Pycelle released. After Tyrion gets Lancel straight groveling to not be taken to Joffrey, because Lancel knows what a crazy fuck he is (SINCE HE TOTES JUST AIDED SANSA’S PUBLIC BEATING) he makes Lancel agree to be Tyrion’s Cersei-spy. Tyrion tells him to go tell Cersei that he’s sorry and that he’ll free Pycelle as long as he’s not on the counsel. Going forward, though, Lancel is to keep Tyrion in-the-know with Cersei’s scheming. Tyrion further demonstrating to be smart rather than dead.
Stannis is talking to our good friend Shifty Eyes from previous episodes, whose name I am too lazy to google. (L: Davos Seaworth! I only remember it because I got it totally wrong in the last post. Fail.) They’re talking about how bro-like they are, even though Stannis chopped off a finger to punish Shifty Eyes forever ago. Shifty Eyes just thinks that was fair, because he was a smuggler. He, like me, refuses to refer to Creepy Red by her actual name, which annoys Stannis.
Regardless, Stannis has an important job for Shifty Eyes. He needs to do his smuggling thing to sneak Creepy Red to the shore. Nobody can no what’s happening and they will never discuss it again. Shifty Eyes obviously does not like this plan, given his general feelings about Creepy Red (those feelings being that she is creepy) but agrees because Stannis is his king and all that jazz.
As he and Creepy Red row to shore, they chat about good and evil. He admits that he has good and bad parts, but she’s not having that, because everybody must be good or evil. She insists that she’s totes good. NO. YOU’RE FUCKING CREEPY.
She tells Shifty Eyes that she knows he wants to see her naked and YAY FOR HIM, he gets to! Again, I find knowing the future unpleasant and don’t want to watch. This was a bad fucking trade, Lor. I know that I am the one who knew and the one who asked for it BUT WHAT AN AWFUL TRADE.
Lor: You didn’t see it but I just did an air pump.
Sweeney: They go into a little cave that leads to a locked gate. Creepy Red takes off her cloak as she talks about the one true god. She’s legit about-to-pop pregnant, which is interesting since she just fucked Stannis in the last episode.
She sits down and moans her way through the creepiest birthing scene in the history of ever. We see the skin under her stomach move and then ghost-like black hands that remind me of a dementor.
Lor: …’cause her vag is dark and full of terrors?
Sweeney: A+ I can’t believe I missed that. Anyway, USE YOUR PATRONUS, SHIFTY EYES!
He doesn’t, though, and the dementor baby grabs her ankles and pulls itself out of her vagina. Sentences I never thought I’d type: that one. We see the fully birthed dementor going for the gate just before the credits roll. EW.
Lor: Nice to know that we are keeping up the tradition of only covering material if it in some way, shape or form includes a magic vagina. Cool.
Sweeney: New Snark Squad motto: “We know magic vaginas.”
Next time on Game of Thrones: Find out what kind of soul-sucking the dementor baby is getting up to and how Arya direbosses her way through her time with Papa Lannister on S02E05 – The Ghost of Harrenhal.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
