Previously: Stannis confronted Renly, who refused to stand down. Melisandre birthed a dementor. Daenerys was admitted entrance to Qarth, totes the best city ever, Sansa is slowly dying inside and Arya has been called into the service of none other that Tywin Lannister.
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The Ghost of Harrenhal
Lorraine: King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall and Qarth. There are two probably-not-worth-noting-things-that-I’m-gonna-note-anyways: (1) Harrenhal doesn’t grow. All of the other cities have towers that come up out of the ground, or are otherwise animated. We just sort of circle around Harrenhal. (2) On the way from The Wall to Qarth, somewhere above the Shivering Sea, I think we pass over the sun? It’s a ball of fire with rings around it.
Sweeney: Interesting Harrenhal observation. I have some vague thoughts, but none very convincing, so I am kind of curious why that is.
Lor: Okay. Episode: We start at Renly Baratheon’s camp, where it’s very windy and people are running around. Renly sits in his tent with Lady Catelyn Stark as she pinky promises that her son Robb has no interest in the Throne of Discomfort. This seems to please Renly and he says he’ll even let Robb call himself the King in the North as long as he swears the same oath of fealty that Ned Stark once pledged to Robert Baratheon. Well, (1) swearing fealty to some other dude takes the fun out of being a king and (2) that did not end well for Ned Stark.
Sweeney: Right? ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, RENLY.
Lor: Renly says that in return for the oath, he will destroy Stannis’s army in the morning and then Stark and Baratheon can descend upon Lannister together. Renly stands and Brienne starts removing his armor. Lady Cat begs him to try and broker peace with Stannis, but Renly is all about the over confidence. He tells Lady Cat to bring his terms to Robb and then declares, “together we can end this war in a fortnight.” The winds of irony start a-howling, and they’ve brought with them Melisandre’s Magic Vagina Dementor.
Oh, shit.
Sure enough, the Dementor stabs Renly. AND THEN HE DIES. FOR REAL. Oh, man.
I guessed this one, both when I said one of the self-proclaimed kings had to die and also last post on account of the hubris. Game of Thrones really makes me feel like I’m good at TV.
Sweeney: You go with your self-five. Snark Squad makes me feel like I’m good at TV.
Lor: Self-fives all around.
The dementor disapparates and Brienne cries out as Renly’s body falls to the floor. Soldiers come running in and assume Brienne, who is over Renly’s body, is responsible. Cat tries to defend her, but just seconds after she says, “it wasn’t her!” Brienne has already killed the soldiers.
Sweeney: Sidebar: I didn’t have time to actually “re-watch” this episode, as I am driving across the country. I did, however re-listen by hooking my laptop up to my car stereo. (This post is brought to you by the wifi at the Flying J Truck Stop in Winslow, AZ.) Aside from proving how seriously we take this blog, I bring this up to say that the murder noises were gross and somehow worse than watching scenes like this one. Probably because I’ve now watched enough Game of Thrones to have a super vivid imagination for murder scenes. Or maybe it’s all the Fifty Shades posts. Not sure.
Lor: I’m just super impressed you managed to work in blaming Fifty Shades. A+
Brienne is wailing over the fallen Renly, and Cat tells her she has to run or else everyone will assume she killed him. Brienne won’t leave Now Dead Renly, but Cat speaks language she can understand: she won’t be able to avenge Renly if she dies. They both escape through the back, uh, flap (?) of the tent.
Some time later, Littlefinger looks out to sea where we see Stannis’s ships approaching land. In a tent, Loras “Flowery Bieber” Tyrell is mourning Now Dead Renly.
Margaery Tyrell is pacing as she voices her opinion that it’s time to go. Loras thinks it’s time to stare at Now Dead Renly some more. Littlefinger enters the tent and tells them they have to leave, as he thinks that Renly’s bannermen will switch sides once Stannis arrives. Loras doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who points out that he’s at least standing there warning them and not waiting for Stannis on the sea shore. Littlefinger asks Loras what he wants most in the world, and he replies, “revenge.” He echoes Lady Cat’s statements from the previous scene: you can’t exact revenge if you are dead. That was nicely done. Loras runs off to fetch the horses.
Sweeney: I love how each single death multiplies the options for the AND THEN (S)HE DIES game, because they leave behind multiple people who want vengeance. The possibilities are endless!
Lor: Death begets death. Something deep like that, I’m sure.
Margaery says that Now Dead Renly was very handsome and Littlefinger, calling her “your Grace,” agrees that he was. Margaery thinks that calling yourself a king doesn’t make you a king, so I guess she wouldn’t accept my new title, “King of the Chocolate.” If Renly wasn’t a king, she wasn’t a queen. Littlefinger wonders if she wants to be a queen. “No. I want to be the queen.” Go ahead, girlfriend.
King’s Landing. Cersei Lannister wants to know who killed Renly and Tyrion Lannister tells her that most people say it was Lady Cat. There are other theories, though. Point is, no one knows. Cersei applauds whoever did it, and Tyrion notes that it actually isn’t a great thing because all of Now Dead Renly’s men are flocking to Stannis. What up, huge army. Cersei observes that they have more money than Stannis though, which should come in handy if they want to pelt the invading army with gold. I don’t know. This is an “I hate Cersei” scene.
Where does he go? To get his information from elsewhere, thanks so much. Namely, from Lancel Lannister, Cousin-Fucker. Lancel informs Tyrion that Cersei and Joffrey are planning on using “wildfire” against Stannis’s ships. After some threats, Tyrion accepts this as honesty and Lancel is on his way out.
Over at Now Dead Renly’s Not So Much Anymore Camp (phew.), Davos is telling Stannis that people are mourning his brother’s death. Stannis says he is too. You know, kind of. Not a lot on account of he was partly responsible for his death, and all.
Davos wants to talk about the fact that he saw Stannis’s girlfriend birth a dementor, but Stannis is all, “NO. SHUTUP.” The bannermen have switched sides now, except the Tyrells, so Stannis is going to take some time to consolidate his new, HUGE ARMY and then sail for King’s Landing. Davos is like, “cool. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CREEPY DEMENTOR BIRTHING LADY?” He actually calls her by her name (Melisandre) which I think is the first time anyone ever has. It’s a good thing I cheated. Davos worries that if Stannis brings Melisandre to King’s Landing, people will credit her for his victories. He goes on, “You won those bannermen from Renly. Don’t lose them to her.” Stannis says they will set sail without Melisandre. I can’t help but wonder how Creepy Red is going to feel about this. Finally, Stannis tells Davos that he will be leading the fleet and though he hems and haws, Stannis has made up his mind.
Sweeney: I was going to say I give no fucks about Creepy Red’s feelings because I hate her, but given that she births baby dementors, I suppose we should all fear her feelings. Can you imagine the hormonal moodswings dementor pregnancy would cause?
Lor: That’s more of what I meant. Like, “I wonder if her feelings are going to ’cause more death and destruction?” Yeah, that one.
Agrabah. JAYKAY. King’s Landing marketplace. Tyrion is walking with Bronn and they are AGAIN going over the war score. It’s getting a little repetitive. Stannis has lots of soldiers, Robb is winning battles, radda radda radda. They come across a rowdy crowd being hyped up by an angry man who could use a bath. AMWCUB is shouting about how Joffrey is rotten, and what could they expect from the product of sibling-fucking. Fair. Tyrion agrees and says that Joffrey is a lost cause, and it’s everyone else he’s worried about now. AMWCUB goes on about an evil demon monkey and Tyrion chuckles along until Bronn explains that AMWCUB means Tyrion. Apparently, people think Tyrion is to blame for the bad things happening in King’s Landing. That makes me a little sad for him.
(Fuck) Pyke. Theon Greyjoy is swaggering along a dock, looking fondly out to sea where his ship, The Sea Bitch, is anchored.
He hears the gruff laughter of a group of men, and here comes his crew. He announces himself as their commander and tries to welcome them but they pointedly ignore him. He yells at them all to stop with a, “your captain commands you!” and it gets nothing more than derisive laughter. A tough guy asks Theon where they are headed and he tells him about the plan to raid fishing villages. He promises spoils and women for a job well done and Tough Guy wants to know who’s going to decide what a job well done looks like. Theon smirks and says he gets to decide. More jokes-on-you laughter from the men. Tough Guy says he doesn’t need a captain, just a ship and it appears The Sea Bitch is ripe for the stealing. Theon threatens to find and try Tough Guy for treason if he does any such thing and then they all, you guessed it, laugh at him. Yara shows up to mock him too, just for good measure. Anyone else want to make fun of Theon? Now’s your chance! Jump right in! It’s all capped off when Yara points out that Theon’s crew is rowing out to the ship without him.
Sweeney: Given my absolute lack of Theon-related feels, I appreciated this scene. His failure to take a fucking hint about how his douchey swagger would get him nowhere pretty well sums up my lack of feels for him.
Lor: Help for Theon comes in the form of Dagmer, the first mate. He’s dirty but vaguely familiar and a quick search reveals Ralph Ineson has been in a lot, but because this is Snark Squad, I probably recognize him for his role in the Harry Potter movies. (S: At least we’re self-aware.) Anyways, he tells Theon that the crew won’t respect him until he proves himself. Raiding fishing villages, Theon whines, is a poor way to do that. Dagmer points out that his crew were told what to do, but they did what they liked instead. Inspired, Theon decides he’d rather raid another place, one he could hold for a few days before Winterfell sent troops in. He smiles conspiratorially.
Over at Harrenhal, place of no growth, Arya is serving food for Tywin Lannister and his war council. Some dude says the Stark army will start to falter once winter comes. Tywin is all, “DUDE. STARKS ARE ALL ABOUT THE WINTER.” That was me, really, but Tywin agrees that the cold will not beat them.
Sweeney: Right? Like, they never shut up about winter, so why would he expect the Starks to be exceptionally shitty in winter? Sense: this man does not have it.
Lor: Another adviser says that spies are reporting unhappy soldiers who want to go home. Tywin says, “UM, DUH. WAR SUCKS.” That was me again, but Tywin agrees that war makes no one happy.
Tywin thinks they have made the mistake of underestimating Robb already, but he’s smart, has the loyalty of his men, and also, he’s winning, just in case we hadn’t mentioned it in this episode already. He asks them all how they can stop Robb and someone suggests that they would probably think better after some sleep. This does not please Tywin, who identifies the idiot as a Lannister, and dismisses him from the council.
Arya tries to pour Tywin wine but he wants water as there is a lot of work to do. Arya starts to leave to fulfill his request but he calls her back. Tywin asks her where she’s from, and she lies. He picks up on it and correctly guesses that she is from the North. She lies again, but this time a little closer to home. She rattles off the Lords and sigils of the northern city she picked and Tywin is convinced. Now, the following showdown must be transcribed, described, gifed, rewound and played again because it is awesome. Ahem:
Lord Tyrwin: What do they say of Robb Stark in the north?
Arya: They call him the young wolf. They say he rides into battle on the back of giant direwolf. They say he can turn into a wolf himself when he wants. The say he can’t be killed.
Lord Tywin: And do you believe them?
Arya: No, my lord. Anyone can be killed.
Lor: I’m so happy that this show has made that incest qualifier necessary.
But it is true. Arya talks of her brother straight faced, but it is so laced with equal parts sadness and admiration. And then, she holds Tywin Lannister’s eye while she evenly tells him that anyone can be killed.
They have a legit staring contest and it is Tywin who breaks it when he sends her after that water.
Does it even need to be said? Direboss.
Sweeney: It doesn’t need to be said, but OMG I can’t even help it. DIREBOSS DIREBOSS DIREBOSS.
Lor: Arya is walking through Harrenhal when she looks around a corner and sees some Lannister soldiers coming from the opposite direction. One of them is A-Man (Jaqen H’ghar). Arya waits until they pass, but he clearly see her. She walks off to get the water, and there, at the barrel, A-Man approaches her.
He says, in his third person way of speaking, that Arya is a secret keeper. She didn’t say anything when she saw him with the other soldiers. Plus, “a boy became a girl.” Arya protests that she was always a girl, and A-Man says he knew that, but he’s a secret keeper too. Arya accuses him of being “one of them” and A-Man counters that she’s fetching water for “one of them.” “Why is this right for you and wrong for me?” Arya says she didn’t have a choice, but she did. They both did.
A-Man says that he will repay his debt to Arya. Or really, he says that Arya stole three lives from the red god when she saved him and the two other men from the burning wagon, and now he will give three lives back to the red god. She need only speak three names and A-Man will handle the rest. Arya speaks the first name without hesitation- the man that tortures everyone, whom they call The Tickler.
Can I just say how much this makes me love her? Tywin Lannister, is within A-Man killing distance, and yet she first speaks the name of this other man who hurts so many others.
Sweeney: She’s the absolute best. This episode in particular highlights why not even my love for Daenerys can compete with my love for Arya. She reminds me a lot of my favorite fictional child in the history of ever, Lyra Silvertongue.
Lor: Best.
The Night’s Watch is walking along in snow and it looks miserable. Apparently they are waiting for someone to arrive, someone named Halfhand who spends his winters north of the Wall. Jon Snow hopefully says that then it is possible for people to survive out here and Lord Commander Mormont says it’s possible for the halfhand. Joy thief.
The Night’s Watch men set up camp on a snowy cliff. Samwell is standing around, going on about the history of Westeros, and how the first men stood on these very cliffs. Sam wonders what the first men were like and a passing Wall-mate guesses, “stupid.” Jon Snow thinks there isn’t enough brooding going on, though, and he says they were probably afraid and running away from something. A horn blows once in the distance (one blow is for rangers returning, two is for Wildlings and three is for White Walkers). Jon spots Halfhand approaching.
Tyrion is examining a funny shaped jar of green-ish liquid. An Unidentified Old Man is telling Tyrion that wildfire burns through wood, stone, steel and even flesh. Tyrion hands it back, like, yeah thanks for letting me know. Apparently, after the dragons died, wildfire kept the Targaryens in power. Bronn is skeptical and says that many a-peddler has sold pig shit for wildfire. UOM says he doesn’t deal in pig shit. He explains the wildfire can be loaded into catapults and then flung at the enemy.
When Tyrion asks how much wildfire UOM has, he leads them away for show and tell. Bronn continues to point out what a terrible idea this is. First of all, all the good soldiers are already off fighting a war, so if you have decent soldiers, they are hitting their targets 1 time in 10. Additionally, in all the chaos of war, people panic,which means pots of this combustible, corrosive, magic flesh melting substance EVERYWHERE.
Sweeney: When I first saw this episode, this made me feel so fucking hopeful. BURN KING’S LANDING TO THE FUCKING GROUND. I mean, it would be cool if Sansa and Tyrion could get out first, but I’d be good with sacrificing them for Joffrey and Cersei deaths. Then I realized that this was too easy and therefore not likely and so I became sad.
Lor: It’s best not to hope.
When UOM opens the door to the room that holds all the wildfire, Tyrion is super impressed. They have 7,811 pots of this stuff. Bronn says again that this is a shit idea, and Tyrion agrees, but he’s agreeing that making this stuff for CERSEI is a shit idea. He wants the old man to start making it for him.
Qarth, totes the best city ever. Daenerys and the Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold are watching one of the adorable baby dragons. Dany is saying, “dracarys,” which I Googled. It’s the High Valyrian word for dragonfire. I mean, I could’ve picked up on the context clues, but also maybe she’s saying his name or “eat” or “you adorable CGI dragon you! Get on with your bad self!” You just never know.
The women are delighted and Dany observes that the dragon will be able to feed itself now. The other handmaiden, the one whose SO’s head was chopped off and sent back in a saddlebag, looks a little annoyed when Dany notes that the dragon loves the Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold. The talk turns to the fact that the wealthiest man in Qarth gave Dany a dress. She recalls that the last pretty dress she got was for when she was being sold to Khal Drogo. Shit like that will definitely put you off dresses.
Sweeney: I don’t know, it hasn’t seemed to affect Buffy all that much.
Lor: Or Daenerys either, really, because she ends up wearing the dress to a very pretty little garden party. Dany is making small talk but quickly excuses herself when she sees two of her Dothraki men discussing a golden statue. Ser Jorah, speaker of English, is also present. She asks him what is going on and it basically boils down to the men wanting to steal the golden statue. Dany forbids any and all stealing
A man with sunken eyes and blue lips, like he’s been eating a shit ton of Fun Dip, calls out to Daenerys, “mother of dragons,” and says he represents the warlocks of Qarth. He wants to show her a trick in which she stares at a gem and he makes another one of him appear in the crowd. Yeah, I didn’t really get it either. Now, I just really want some Fun Dip.
Lor: Anyways, he invites her to House of the Undying, which is where all the Fun Dip is. SORRY. Where all the warlocks hang. Daxos, the man who cut his hand at the gates of Qarth to vouch for Dany and her horde, shows up to apologize for Sunken Eyes, who is one of the 13 and had an obligatory invitation.
Daxos leads Dany away while Jorah watches. A woman wearing what looks like an old style lamp shade over her head notes that Jorah watches over Dany. He’s all, “are you a lamp I know?” Okay, not really, but the head wrap is distracting.
Lamp Lady says that Dany will need true protection as the mother of dragons.
Out in some woods, Brienne is telling Lady Cat that the dementor looked like Stannis. Cat says all she saw was big, creepy, smoke man. Brienne adds, “…that looked like Stannis.” Okay, Brienne. Okay.
The women are a day’s riding distance from Robb’s camp. Brienne wonders if Cat will stay long with Robb, but she won’t. She’ll report back all the things she’s seen and head back to Winterfell to Bran and Rickon. Brienne says she never met her mother. Cat’s mother died when she was young.
Brienne asks if Cat will let her go once they are safely to Robb. Cat knows she means to go kill Stannis, but she wants her to stop and think about that fact that he will be surrounded by an army and his own personal guards. Cat assures Bri that Renly’s death wasn’t her fault and what’s more, Renly’s enemies are Robb’s enemies, hint, hint, wink.
Brienne: I do not know your son, m’lady. But I could serve you, if you would have me. You have courage. Not battle courage, perhaps, but I don’t know. A women’s kind of courage. And I think that when the time comes you will not hold me back. Promise me that you will not hold me back from Stannis.
Cat does promise and Brienne lays her sword down at Catelyn’s feet and swears to shield her and protect her.
Sweeney: +1.
Lor: Winterfell, where Bran is holding court while Rickon is being a creepy little kid, as he so often is. A farmer complains about his sons being away and having to watch his sheep round the clock. Bran offers him a couple of orphan boys and this makes the farmer happy.
The next case is brought forth by the one man whose name I can never remember, but he has the long sideburns. Apparently, Torrhen’s Square is under siege. They think it’s the Lannisters, but we know that Theon was planning on raiding there. Long Sideburns says he wants 200 men, but Maester Luwin thinks this is too many. Bran says that they need to be able to protect their people so that their people will in turn help protect them. Smart kid, that one. He grants the men and Sideburn’s name is Ser Rodrik.
Bran rides on Hodor’s back and chats with Osha. He wants to know what the three-eyed raven means but she won’t tell him. He’s had another dream, this time that the sea (the Greyjoys) came to Winterfell and flooded them. Oh nos. D:
Sweeney: Also, Osha’s silly for thinking that Bran’s not smart enough to know that when grownups hide shit from you it means it’s Bad News Bears.
Lor: North of the Wall, Halfhand spots a fire and says stuff about how all the Wildlings have joined Mance Ryder, and are probably organized and disciplined. He wants to move in and kill Mance sneakily and calls forth some men to do so. Jon Snow wants to join the party, but Lord Commander says he’s a steward not ranger. Samwell steps up and says he’ll do Jon’s job while he’s away. It’s sweet. Halfhand agrees with a little nod and Lord Commander gives in. Jon is off and I hope he took his direwolf!
Qarth, totes the best city ever. Daxos asks Daenerys how long her “manservant” has been in love with her. Dany clarifies that Jorah is her advisor and way not in love with her. Daxos says he always knows what men want, but women are super complicated. He asks Dany what she wants and she replies quickly; she wants to cross the Narrow Sea and take back the Iron Throne. It is hers by right, etc. She turns the question around on him, and asks what he wants, and he wants a wifey. I mean, first he shows her his vault of riches and promises her half of it all if she marries him. His parents came from nothing and he wants his children to be princes and princesses. Then he reveals to her that Robert Baratheon is dead. I forgot that she didn’t know any of this yet. She’s so removed from everything happening across the Narrow Sea.
Sweeney: Part of why she’s long been a non-option for the And Then She Dies game. I mean, she can die eventually, maybe, but until she gets to Westeros, she can’t die. Her death on this side of the Narrow Sea would make her entire arc pointless.
Lor: Cut to Dany and Ser Jorah. He isn’t a fan of this plan, because if she buys herself this army, she will owe them her victory. He thinks she needs support from inside of Westeros in order to gain the throne. Dany wants to know what he wants. This game is awesome. Someone ask me what I want! No? Fine, Jorah wants to see her on the Iron Throne because she has a claim to it, but also a gentle heart. He believes she would be feared and loved and that rulers of her ilk don’t often come along. “There are times when I look at you and I still can’t believe you are real.” Oh, hey! Ser Jorah has game. (S: Right? Well done, ser.) This wins Daenerys over and she asks him what they should do. He says that she only needs one ship and that he will find it for her. She sends him to do that.
He totally wants to tap that ass.
Harrenhal. OH MY GOODNESS. GENDRY WITH NO SHIRT ON. HELLO. (S: HELLO INDEED.)
He’s making a sword. He slices the air and Arya gives him a little advice. This is interrupted by some yelling. Arya runs over to investigate and it’s The Tickler, dead, sprawled out on the floor. Arya looks around until she spots A-Man. He holds up one finger to his eye.
Two more deaths to go!
Next time on Game of Thrones: What sort of trouble does Theon Greyjoy cause and can we laugh at him some more? Find out in S02 E06 – The Old Gods and the New.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
