—
Lorraine: We may or may not be visiting King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth. Please do not blame me for any opening credit misrepresentation.
Sweeney: The opening credits do what they want. Kind of like us.
Lor: Theon EWWWW Greyjoy rolls over to find he’s alone in bed. We cut to some time later, outside of the castle where we see the guard Osha killed splayed out on the floor. Theon is reprimanding one of his men for letting the cripple boy (Bran Stark) escape. The man suggests that “the giant” took Bran, and Theon thinks this is even worse, as he let a half-wit escape with a cripple. They establish that Rickon is also missing, as well as Osha, who Theon was fucking, the man knowingly points out. Being called out won’t do for Theon, so he turns on the man and punches him and then starts jumping on top of him. It’s not really a kick, it’s seriously jumping on top of this man. That all done, he calls for horses and hounds.
Sweeney: They make a bit of a thing of Theon shaking out his hand, which hurts from decking this guy. In general, Theon’s physical actions are often tempered by this sort of subtle demonstration that he’s a little weaker and less BAMFy than all the men he wishes he could be.
Lor: Theon: Less BAMFy, more barfy.
Cut to the gaggle of horsed, hounds, and men running through the forest searching for the Stark boys. Maester Luwin is among the party. Theon asks him how he’s liking the hunt. Luwin: “So far, hunting seems very much like riding, my lord.” Theon says the difference is the blood at the end. Big Man on Campus is hunting little kids, and Luwin reminds him of that, but he wah wah wahs about how he was taken from his home when he was little, and he never ran away. Plus, if he finds them soon enough he’ll hurt them but certainly not kill them. He’s very confident that his sister will show with back-up, and that even if Robb comes with all his army, he’ll be able to hold Winterfell. But… never leave, ever? Even to take a piss in the forest? This just seems poorly planned.
Anyways, Theon smarms that it’s all just a game anyways. I hate him. And I know a lot of you read the books and all that, but we’re only commenting on the TV show and TV Theon sucks ass. Has he been wronged? Sure. Him and every other fucking person in Westeros and Essos. That is no excuse for the level of suck that he currently is.
Sweeney: WORD. His motivations just suck. It’s a little bit about trying to impress daddy, but honestly, it mostly feels like he’s interested in his own bullshit glory/honor. He chose Papa Greyjoy over the Starks principally because it meant he could strut around and call himself a prince. He sucks and gets no sympathy from me.
Lor: Summer and Shaggydog are walking next to a stream, and a little behind them are Osha, Hodor, Rickon and Bran. They don’t have a lot of food, because Bran didn’t want to risk going to the kitchen. They come across a farm Bran recognizes, but he fears asking for help. Osha says Theon will have hounds after them, and while they have a good head start, they cannot outrun hounds.
North of the wall, Jon Snow and Ygritte are still cuddling. He wraps his arm a little tighter around her, but wakes and realizes that under all those layers of fur, there is a BOOB. Actually, I have no idea what he’s realizing, but I’m putting my money on BOOB. She wakes and asks if he’s pulled a knife on her. Jon Snow’s purity is offended and he stands and readjusts himself. Ygritte: “What’s the matter? Can’t be the first time you’ve pressed your bone against a woman’s ass.” But it is, Ygritte. It totally is.
He stands her up and unties her legs for the day’s walk as she figures out that Jon Snow is just a virgin who can’t drive.
Lor: Ygritte asks if there are any girl Night’s Watch Men. It’s not really as stupid a question as it sounds, because she calls them “crows.” Jon answers in the negative and assures her that the men don’t do it with each other.
Talk of the celibacy vow gets them started on freedom and property rights. Something like that. Basically she says she’s free and Jon is invading her land. He says she isn’t free on account of being his prisoner and NUH-UH. She claims Wildlings have been around forever, and that the Westeros folk just put up a wall and claimed the land. Jon says he’s Ned Stark’s son, so if they are citing ancestry, he has as much right to the land as she does. Ygittte: So why are you fighting us?
The Mountain thinks that someone from The Brotherhood infiltrated their hold and says finding them will be hard. Tywin tells him to just burn everything down. I guess that’s what happens when you choose to live near Harrenhal, because seriously, misery.
Arya is here, setting his table again and Tywin notices that she has mutton. I looked this up because I didn’t know this food term. I’m not ashamed of admitting that, seeing as how my diet is 92% refined sugars and artificial flavorings. Mutton is adult sheep meat. I prefer zebra (cakes). (S: This is hilarious and I love you.) He doesn’t like mutton and instead tells her to sit and eat. Arya tries to beg off, but he insists, so she sits and eats, and eyes her knife like she knows where she’d like to stick it.
While she eats and focuses on Tywin’s carotid, he goes on about how this will be his last war, win or lose. It’ll be the war he’s remembered for. They are calling it The War of Five Kings (Renly, Stannis, Joffrey, Robb and I guess Balon has thrown his name into that ring as well.) (S: And that’s not even counting what’s eventually coming across the Narrow Sea!) (Or North of the Wall!) This will determine Tywin’s legacy- what will remain of him when he is gone. He then tells the story of Harrenhal, with it’s great big towers and super strong walls. But “dragons happened.” You see, Harrenhal was built to withstand attacks by land, no matter how great the army. It wasn’t ready for dragon fire and thus, Aegon Targaryan changed the rules. That was his legacy, and that is why he is known 300 years later.
Arya, in a very unguarded moment, points out that it wasn’t just Aegon who rode dragons; his sisters Rhaenys and Visenya rode them as well. Arya even knows the names of the dragons. Isn’t it so like our little warrior to forget houses and sigils but know the names of women who rode dragons, and the dragons ridden by women? She goes on about what a great warrior Visenya was, and Tywin says most girls would be more interested in the pretty maidens from common songs. Arya: “Most girls are idiots.”
Tywin wants to know where Arya learned all of this, and she again claims from her father. He notes that her father seems to have been a very well-read stonemason. Arya sasses, “Have you met many stonemasons, my lord?” This is a touch too much sass for Tywin, who tells her that though he enjoys her, she should watch herself. He dismisses her and as she collects her mature sheep meat and turns to go, he says to her back, “m’lord.” Only high born, educated people say, “my lord,” and if she’s going to pretend to be low born, she should do it properly. Arya claims that her mother served a Lady Dustin for many years and adds, “She taught me how to speak proper — properly.” Tywin says she’s too smart for her own good, but she’s heard that before.
Sweeney: I LOVE THESE SCENES SO MUCH. You’ve all told us a million times that they aren’t in the books, but A+ FOREVER to the writers for including them on the show, because they’re gold.
Lor: Sansa OW MY FEELS Stark is walking through a hall in the palace. She crosses paths with The Hound and apologizes for not going immediately to thank him. Sophie Turner has a very distinct way of delivering lines. It’s a cadence, but also, she always seems to be clenching her teeth. I’m actually a fan of this choice, as it seems that Sansa is straining every courteous word she speaks. I feel you girl.
Sweeney: Spot on observation — I hadn’t been able to put my finger on a way to describe it, but that’s it. She one of my favorite actresses on the show, because she makes a lot of excellent choices, this among them.
Lor: She tells The Hound how brave he was, and he says he likes to kill people, so it was cool. Sansa basically asks why the hell he’s so creepy and he thinks one day, she’ll appreciate his creepy when it’s all that stands between her and Joffrey. And this is why Sansa’s life sucks. Also, for those keeping track of this sort of thing, our girl’s hair is back to being down in the Northern way.
Lor: I wondered if you would mention it first, but then I got too excited about noticing it. You are welcome.
Also, last post I learned that there are people that ship these two. LOL. WHUT?
Sweeney: …
Lor: Qarth, a pretty great city, unless of course your dragons get stolen there. Daxos is telling Dany that he’s called a meeting of the Thirteen, and tries to assure her that he doesn’t want her damn dragons, ’cause he’s already rich. Anyways, the point of this scene is that she doesn’t want to hear any of his bullshit. She wants her dragons.
North of the Wall, Jon and Ygriette are still walking around and she really won’t let go of this whole, “I’m free, neener, neener” thing. They may not have stone castles up here, but they have freedom and a king they chose. She tries to entice Snow into the Wildling way, and says he can sleep in and have sex in caves. Not a bad deal, I suppose. She’ll even teach him how to have sex. Jon says he knows how to do it. Ygritte: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
Most people who meet Jon seem to agree: he is pretty, but tends toward the naive.
Sweeney: Having only met Jon Snow through my screen, I concur. I also second Ygritte’s offer to teach him how to have sex.
Lor: Absolutely.
We get a sweeping view of a camp as the Strings of Ancient Sadness play against the picturesque scene. Inside of a tent, the Lannister cousin I believe I took to calling Dusty, and who still looks pretty dusty, is bringing Cersei’s decision back to Robb. He’s having a hard time of it too, but Robb assures him he won’t be held accountable for whatever news Cersei sent. Dusty tells Robb of Ceseri’s epic Paper Ripping Abilities. Robb graciously offers him a place to stay and some food, though we are reminded that he’s got too many prisoners and no room. For now, Dusty will stay in the same pen as Jaime and this hardly seems like a good idea. He dismisses his men.
Talisa wants a minute of Robb’s time, though not to stare at him and swoon.
Back at the farm where we last saw Bran, Rickon, Osha and Hodor, Theon’s search is coming up empty. The hounds have lost their scent, but he orders them to circle again. Maester Luwin tries to suggest coming back in the morning, but Theon says he will not look like a fool in front of his family. He will beat every man there until he’s found the boys. “It’s better to be cruel than weak,” he says, and I hate him, mostly because he is both.
Sweeney: YUP.
Lor: Some of his men bring out an older farmer who claims to know nothing about the Stark boys and gets a punch to the gut for his trouble. Before it gets any more violent, Dagmer calls Theon over because he’s found a walnut shell. Now, we’ve seen Rickon eating walnuts twice, but I’m not sure why a walnut shell in the middle of all this dirt and grime is significant for these two. Maybe it’s a universally known thing? Rickon: creepy shadow lurker, has direwolf, likes walnuts. Anways, Theon sends Luwin off and gives the camera a murdery look.
Qarth, where Daenerys stares at empty dragon cages. Ser Jorah enters and Daenerys tells him that Irri (her handmaiden) is dead. They can’t find the Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold who finally gets the name Doreah. Not that I’m going to use it, or anything, I’m just saying. Dany has no more people, not Targaryens or Dothraki, and the people in Westeros don’t even know she’s alive. Jorah wants Dany to trust him, but she’s pretty done with trusting people, and she even snaps at him for being too familiar. He apologizes and wonders how he can help, so I guess he hasn’t been paying very much attention at all. FIND HER DAMN DRAGONS.
Sweeney: Right? Emilia Clarke couldn’t overact this GIMME BACK MY DRAGONS bit any more than she already is. THE POINT IS CLEAR. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, SER JORAH.
Lor: More trudging through snow. Ygritte has abandoned her favorite subject of being free and has taken up her second favorite subject, sexy times with Jon. She prattles, and it’s clear that Jon has no clue where he is or where he’s going. She suggests that they just do it already, and though Jon looks awfully pensive for a moment, he eventually reaches for his sword and she backs off. It’s all a ruse though, as she throws him off balance and runs. Jon chases after and loses sight of her over a small sort of cliff. She whistles and when he looks up, she’s with two other Wildlings. He looks around, and he’s surrounded by Wildlings. Ygritte: Shoulda took me when you had the chance.
And she could mean in a sexy way, or the way where he was supposed to kill her when the Halfhand told him to.
Sansa sleeps and dreams of her near-rape, but in her dream, she is stabbed. She wakes up and looks down at her legs, where there is blood. The bed is also bloodied and Sansa starts to flip out. Seriously, this is the most traumatic first time period ever.
Sweeney: I CAN’T EVEN. She wakes up from stabby nightmares of her attempted gang rape to find that she’s bled all over the bed and will soon have to sleep with Joffrey. HORRIFYING.
Lor: Shae walks in on Sansa trying to cut away the bloody sheets and asks what she’s doing. Sansa explains that Cersei’s going to want Joffrey to pump her full of his inbred sperm and OMG THIS IS THE WORST. Shae’s all, “let’s flip the mattress,” because even she knows. But another servant walks in and sees the blood as well. She walks out and Shae chases after her. Holding a knife to her throat, Shae threatens the servant and demands she tell no one.
Sweeney: I love Shae for doing this, but also: this was stupid. I want Sansa and her feels to have protectors, but Shae is far too vulnerable herself, and it’s not like they could keep this secret for any great length of time regardless.
Lor: Agreed.
When Shae returns to Sansa’s room, there stands The Hound, just creepily staring at her bloody sheets while she cries.
Cersei walks with Sansa, who admits that she didn’t expect womanhood to be so messy. Cersei’s response is basically, “LOL. CHILDBIRTH.” She asks our little bird what she thinks this all means, and Sansa deadpans that she’s going to get to bear Joffrey’s children. Even Cersei can’t help but note that she was once thrilled by that prospect. I remember that too, Cersei, way back before your little shit killed her father.
Speaking of, Cersei says that Joffrey was difficult even in birth. She spent a day and a half in labor, all while Now Dead King Robert was off hunting. That was his custom, to go off and hunt while Cersei gave birth. I’m pretty sure he’d rest in the knowledge that he didn’t give up his hunting for some kids that weren’t even his. Anyways, she didn’t need him because she had Pycelle, and midwives, and Jaime.
Cersei goes on to say that Sansa may not love Joffrey but she will love his children. Sansa clenched-teeth-tells her that she loves Joffrey with all her heart, and Cersei thinks that’s super cute. Her sage advice is to love no one but her children, because you really can’t help that. I bet if your kid is Joffrey, though, you could help it a little. A lot. You can help it a lot.
Sansa, confused, asks if she isn’t supposed to love Joffrey. Cersei: You can try, little dove.
Sweeney: I love this scene. I have now oddly taken on the role of Cersei defender, which is hilarious since on my first watch I kept pausing to tell my best friend and her then-fiance how badly I wanted Cersei to die. ANYWAY, this scene is exactly what I mean when I say that I don’t interpret any of Cersei’s behavior towards Sansa as willfully cruel. That dinner scene comes to mind as one where I was in the minority on that. I think Cersei’s all sorts of evil, as she raised and defends Joffrey, but not 100% evil. She’s not Joffrey evil. She’s got Sansa feels. Not enough to help Sansa at the expense of herself or her children, but enough to guide her along. This scene was harsh and matter-of-fact, but I liked that Cersei just told her how it is. It’s also an important precursor to a later scene, in that we have Cersei acknowledging how difficult her piece of shit son is.
Lor: I gush a little more about this later on in the recap so I’ll just say that I’m with you on all of the above.
The Prisoner Pen of Poorly Planned Pairings. Jaime Lannister has an impressive prisoner beard, but that’s not important. He remains chained to a post and in a corner is Dusty Lannister. Jaime is trying to place poor Dusty in the family tree, and is having a hard time doing so. Dusty even squired for Jaime once, and he remembers it as the best day of his life. As he gets more and more excited he inches closer to Jaime, who is now claiming to be able to relate. See, he’s also squired for knight, last minute, and leaving the battlefield that day was like being hauled off to prison. He isn’t very good at prison, though. He imagines some men are good at being prisoners, like Ned Stark.
Imprisonment is a big theme this week. Ygritte the prisoner who thinks Jon Snow is the prisoner. Sansa the prisoner being taught by Cersei, the once prisoner. Arya the prisoner gaining the favor of her captor. And here is Jaime thinking that life has left him uniquely unfit for constraint. I don’t think Ned Stark was a good prisoner; I think he was a good man in freedom and in chains. I MISS YOU NED.
Dusty Lannister subtly suggests escape and of course Jaime has thought of it, but the Starks are very careful. Except now he has a way out and Dusty can help! Yay!
By dying. Womp.
Jaime beats Dusty with his chains, and I guess I might as well say his real name is Ser Alton. Sorry Alton!
Sweeney: For everyone insisting that is Jaime soooooo much less awful than Cersei, I’d like to point out that listening to your distant cousin tell you all about how you’re his fucking idol and manipulating that information to get him close enough to kill him is pretty fucked up. And evil. Sorry not sorry.
Lor: The guard passes by and sees Dusty convulsing on the floor. He comes in to investigate and Jaime attacks him, snapping his neck and grabbing the keys from his belt.
Lamp Lady, who we met at the Qarth garden party two episodes ago, is painting some guy’s back. I don’t know either. Ser Jorah approaches to talk to her, and she already knows he’s looking for the dragons. Probably because all you hear echoing throughout the city lately is, “FIND MY DRAGONS.”
Lamp Lady says again that he clearly loves Daenerys and asks him, calling him Jorah the Andal, if he will betray her “again.” He emphatically says he will not. In that case, the dragon thief is with Daenerys now.
And the thief is… one of the Thirteen. That Lamp Lady is kind of a troll. Daenerys is before them yell-begging for her dragons, who will supposedly die without her. The spice guy says the world will be better off without them. Fun Dip, head warlock guy, says he disagrees, and that he will take Daenerys to the House of the Undying, where he put her dragons. Oh. Well. Mystery solved!
Sweeney: It’s a lot easier to detect the shit out of things when the guilty parties just admit it like that. Also kind of takes the fun out of it, really.
Lor: Fun Dip is in cahoots with the King of Qarth, and when it is noted that there is no King of Qarth, Daxos steps forward all, “SURPRISE!” because he is now the King of Qarth and he’s going to open the city to all the world. The Thirteen mildly protest but then Fun Dip duplicates himself all over the room and cuts each of their throats. I bet their last thought was, “so he really CAN duplicate himself!” I know guys. I was shocked about that too. Daenerys hightails it out of the room, but runs right into a Fun Dip. Jorah appears then, and stabs this Fun Dip, but his clothes just fall to the floor with no body. Another Fun Dip calls out that she must go to the House of the Undying.
A man tries to get past Brienne to announce the recapture of Jaime. Freedom didn’t last long for him, huh? A crowd gathers around the chained Jaime, hitting him with sticks and calling out threats. The father of the dead guard, a Lord Karstark, wants justice for his son, in the form of Jaime’s head. Cat comes over to yell that she understands wanting justice, but he needs to stand the fuck down and wait for Robb. Lady Cat is pretty fierce in this scene, and Lord Karstack agrees to wait for Robb, but he still seems bent on relieving Jaime of his head.
The crowd disperses. Still seemingly unfazed, Jaime taunts Cat. “You’ve become a real she-wolf in your later years. There’s not much fish left in you.” Cat orders him chained, but mostly gagged.
Cersei had hoped that Joffrey would be more like Jaime, though she admits he looks like him in a certain light. Maybe in that moody, candle light y’all use when you’re sibling-fucking. Just a guess. Tyrion guesses that Joffrey is more like Robert, but Cersei doesn’t think so. Robert was a drunken idiot not a sadistic maniac. Sooooo, if Joffrey isn’t like Jaime or Robert…. CERSEI. LOL. YOU’RE IT.
Sweeney: WOMP.
Lor: I’m breaking the mood, sorry. Cersei is being sincere as she wonders if maybe having a Douche Prince is punishment for all their sins. And I mean, since maybe his crazy is a result of inbreeding, indirectly, yes. He tries to use the, “but the Targaryens married within their family” logic, but Cersei points out that half of them were crazy too. Tyrion tries to comfort her by telling her that Tommen and Myrcella are good, decent children. “Two out of three ain’t bad” isn’t exactly the type of comfort she was looking for, so she cries a little and Tyrion stands there awkwardly and they both give me feels.
Cersei is such a wonderful character. Truly.
Sweeney: She is! I don’t think I properly appreciated it the first time around because I was so busy hating her and I think that’s why I won’t shut up about it now.
Lor: Back over at Robb’s camp, things are getting out of hand as men get drunk. Brienne says Jaime won’t last the night, so Lady Cat decides to pay him a visit. I’m not sure what the logic is here, but YAY STARK/LANNISTER SCENE!
Cat tells the guard to leave her, but Brienne still hangs out in the background. Cat says Jaime has broken all his vows as a knight, and he gets in a very poignant speech about vows contradicting themselves. He was to defend the king, obey his father, protect the innocent, defend the weak. What happens when the king, his father, the innocent and the weak aren’t all on the same side? He was bound to break one vow or another.
Jaime digs and asks if she pretended to love the bastard Snow child, and not even a little bit. Jaime calls her “too honest” to pretend. Cat calls Brienne, who hands her a sword and then the scene ends. She’s not going to kill him, clearly, so maybe she’s just tired of his prisoner’s beard. Maybe. Also, she should really quit coming over to his pen.
At Winterfell, Theon is telling a gathered crowd that he told them what would happen to those that defied him. Luwin is being hustled in, as Theon gives a cue and two charred, child-sized bodies are lifted. Luwin cries out, “NOOOOO!” and for a second Theon looks… worried? Remorseful? Something that isn’t his usual smug.
Sweeney: Still sucks.
Lor: Now, I have to admit that when I first watched this scene I pulled a Maester Luwin too. NOT BRAN AND RICKON! Since then, though, I have been consoling myself with the idea that they are not actually dead. I have three reasons for believing this: (1) No signs of the direwolves. You can’t kill the two boys and not address the wolves. (2) Charred bodies. TV taught me disfigured bodies mean something fishy is going on. (3) Off screen deaths don’t seem like the way they’d off any Stark children.
If it turns out to be that these two boys are in fact dead, please expect a shit ton of belated feels and untimely tears.
I really hope they aren’t dead.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
