Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E07 – Punching douchebags, winning hearts

Previously: Oz found a fellow werewolf/foot wart and ultimately killed her, but only after he broke our hearts. And then he skipped town. Spike came back long enough to soliloquize and get tazed.
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The Initiative

Sweeney: Hearts may break and SEASON FOUR MARCHES ON. Grab a drink and let the suckfest continue, because today we’re going to get properly introduced to the season’s atrocious arc. I hope you’re ready.

K: I’m sure as hell not, and this is about my tenth time through.

Sweeney: The episode begins with a guy rambling about hot ladies in the cafeteria. I remember forever ago when one of you mentioned him re: black characters on Buffy and I really had no fucking clue who you were talking about, which says a lot about what a memorable, useful character he is. Or how well I blocked out this season. Could be both. We’ll find out!

Finally A Black Guy is talking to Riley, who is too busy with homework to care about hot girls coming to the party they are apparently throwing. This is our cue to introduce Buffy, who is in the cafeteria generally being a bigger klutz than we have ever really seen her be.

FABG (whose name is Forrest) points out that this girl is hot, but Riley (obviously) already knows her and isn’t interested in her hotness because she’s “peculiar” and we cut to her breaking a slushee machine handle. Is this her contrivantly losing track of her slayer strength? I am moderately amused.

K: I love this so much. Especially the part where she’s like “Ah, fuck it. WALK AWAY QUIETLY AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Nailed it!!”

Lorraine: I’ll admit to liking the gif set but being less amused by this sequence of events. Riley should definitely think Buffy is weird, because he’s seen her be spazzy, but this level of klutzy? The girl who can twirl and send a stake sailing into her target? And run-jump-kick like there is no tomorrow? This seems like a selective Buffy trait. No me gusta.

Sweeney: It’s absolutely out of character with 99% of what we see from Buffy.

Blah, blah, blah Buffy’s hot, but Riley’s too much of a gentleman to notice! All he sees is that she’s fucking weird. But Forrest notes that a lot of guys probably want to get their hands on her and we SEGUE MAGIC to Spike whispering “Slayer…” as he wakes up in a sterile white room. Pan out and we see that he’s in a research facility cell, of some sort, surrounded by other demon-holding cells. HEY NOW! THAT’S ODD! Roll credits, which have now swapped Oz for Spike. I’m too bummed about Oz to be properly excited. Sorry guys. I’m sure Kirsti will give you the necessary exclamation points.

K: Kirsti is torn between uncontrollable crying over Oz and uncontrollable squeeing over Spike. The result is a giant squid of flailing feels, which leaves surprisingly little room for exclamation marks. Sorry, y’all.

Lor: These credits, much like the credits in Game of Thrones, kind of lied to me. Remember at the beginning of this season, I was all squeal-y because Seth Green was still in the credits and I thought that meant he’d be around for another season? -_-

Sweeney: In Giles’ New Wiggins Library Apartment, he’s showing Xander a sketch of the military dudes and they agree that it’s human, which means that there is no research for them to do. When Xander realizes that this makes them useless, he tries to come up with a way to make it demony. Buffy enters basically to say that she is not patrolling because she is partying in order to cheer up Willow. She scampers off to find something slutty and I am once again confused by why she went to the apartment in the first place.

K: Perhaps all the phones in Sunnydale are spontaneously broken?? I would postulate that Giles’ apartment is between the Bigger On the Inside Dorm Room and her classes, but that seems highly unlikely.

Sweeney: Highly.

Back in the Abysmal Plot Research Facility, Spike stares at the ceiling when a packet of blood drops down. Sidebar: just as sunlight had a weird impact on the vamping out, this harsh light is bad for all the makeup. I think it’s the first time I have ever been distracted by the amount of makeup on James Marsters. Apparently vampires mostly need to be in the dark for the sake of keeping their makeup and special effects convincing.

Anyway, a voice warns Spike not to consume the blood because it’s drugged. The conversation that follows is like the plot from every dystopia in which an evil government imprisons people for no apparent reason. Except for the whole the-prisoners-are-harmless thing, as these are vampires and demons and stuff, so whatever. Contrivance Vampire explains that consuming the drugged blood leads to disappearing for experiments by whothefuckknows. Also, Contrivance Vampire believes he was lured there by Buffy.

K: I’m pretty sure he’s the dude who escaped Sunday’s lair back in ‘The Freshman’ and then got himself electrocuted by the Super Secret Soldiers.

Lor: Yep.

Sweeney: Spike assumes that this is what happened when Buffy got funding, which makes me giggle. Then he bangs his hands on the glass and gets electrocuted. WOMP.

In the ever-so-convenient psych class that meets allthetimealways, Willow goes to point out to Riley that he didn’t call Oz’s name. Riley says Oz isn’t in the class because he heard that he dropped out. Willow makes an impassioned speech about how Oz will be back. Evil Bitch Monster then jumps in to give her a speech about how Oz can’t come back because he failed to respect her schedule. Since this class appears to meet like four times a day, he has clearly missed a few classes.

K: Poor Willow. Also, I feel like I need to point out that this is the one and only time that Oz’s full name is mentioned – Daniel Osbourne is not NEARLY as good a name for him as Oz. Also also, this class meeting allthetimealways confuses the shit out of me, because in Australia and (based on my experience, at least) in the UK, you have a one hour lecture and a two hour tutorial for each class per week.  That’s it.

Lor: Daniel Osbourne, that’s adorable. It’s a nice little tidbit to throw at fans after ripping their hearts out. Thanks writers!

Sweeney: Kirsti, I think that’s pretty standard for college classes everywhere. This class is on a special Contrivance U schedule.

As Willow runs off, Buffy tells EBM off for not demonstrating human behavior even though she teaches it, and calls her out for not recognizing a human being in pain. Buffy leaves and EBM turns to Riley and says, “I like her.” Riley again repeats his Buffy-is-peculiar line.

Back in Xander’s basement, he’s playing with military shit, trying to prepare for a potential showdown with the military dudes, but his contrivancey memory from Halloween isn’t actually that useful because this continues to be a bit of show reality that is as flimsy as the Angelverse sunlight rules.

As Xander tries to insist that he’s still a beast in hand-to-hand combat, his mom calls down to ask if he and his friend want juice. It’s weird, because doesn’t his family suck? I have really liked Xander this season, but this scene reminds me of all the inconsistency that surrounds him, and probably contributes to some of my Xander issues.

Riley is talking to Forrest about Buffy telling EBM off, and Forrest recognizes that this makes Buffy a BAMF, but Riley is still inexplicably stuck on this “She’s crazy,” thing. Conveniently, Parker appears and Forrest asks if he knows anything about Buffy. Grad students + upperclassman + freshman. This everybody-knows-everybody’s business only happens here at Contrivance U!

Parker then gets all skeevy about how Buffy is totes awesome in bed, but totally clingy. Snaps for B, being so good by her second time! Sorry, that’s not the point. The point is that Parker is a dick. He compares freshmen girls — i.e. Buffy — to toilets. AND RILEY PUNCHES HIM. Still not on board the Riley train, BUT I really enjoyed seeing Parker get punched in the face, so whatever. Thanks, Riley!

K: I bounce in my chair and yell “YES!!” every time I see that happen, because as much as I’m not a fan of Riley, Parker deserves to be punched in the face pretty much 24/7. 

Lor: I’m going to be honest here. My first time viewing is all whacky because I’m coming into this expecting Riley to do something to encourage some big time hate, on account of all the dry heaving y’all do when he’s around. And I mean, sure his face is a little weird, and homeboy needs a good hair-wash like WOAH, and he’s also got a little bit of a Forrest Gump vibe to him, but this scene was clearly set up to make us like Riley. It worked, because punching Parker. LOL.

Sweeney: As you’ll see throughout the post, I’m having some difficulty remembering why I hate him so much. Right now it’s really just knee-jerk anger when he’s on screen.

Outside, Riley is talking to Forrest and their other random buddy whose name I don’t yet know. Riley doesn’t know why he hit Parker, but then has a grand epiphany that it’s because he likes Buffy and his two bros are all like, “Yeah, no shit.” I’m not buying this whole second grade he-called-her-“peculiar”-because-he-liked-her thing, but I’m glad we’re cutting to the chase. Riley’s all, “I’m gonna go see a girl.”

Inside the Abysmal Plot Research Facility, Spike appears to be passed out on the floor of his cell. A guy in a white lab coat drags him out and lays him on a stretcher. As Spike is being strapped down he opens his eyes, chokes Lab Coat Guy, and says, “Sorry, can’t stay. Gotta go see a girl.”

K: Things that I in no way understand: there were TWO people carrying Spike out of his cell (you can tell because his legs go up in the air), and yet only one strapping him to the gurney… 

Sweeney: Agreed. I know that it’s all magical because it sets up Spike’s on-going presence in the series, but it’s just so sloppy.

After the not-commercial break, he fights with the guys and ultimately frees Contrivance Vampire because CV can show him the way out and be a contrivance-tastic dummy to throw at a gaggle of soldiers that appear. They suck enough at their jobs that this successfully throws them off.

Willow is moping in the Bigger On The Inside Dorm Room, and Riley shows up to ask for advice on asking out Buffy. Willow springs to life in order to awkwardly hide Buffy’s Slayer Tool Bag, before resuming moping. She gives Riley a speech about how asking people out ultimately leads to one of them running out along with the “still-beating heart” of the other. Riley takes this like a champ, and starts to leave. His presence is weird and pushy, but he is really nice to Willow.

Acknowledging this, she finally does offer Riley Buffy’s appreciation of cheese, Icecapades-without-the-irony, and dragging Willow to a party that night. Riley’s totes excited because it’s his partay and Buffy will be there with his accomplice Willow. Willow is not, she assures him, his accomplice, and she also tells him not to get fresh, because she’s precious.

K: I love that even in the midst of her epic major heartbreak, she’s still a fantastic best friend.

Lor: Pairing Willow with Riley was another smart move because Willow makes anybody more likable.

Sweeney: IT’S SO TRUE.

Cut to underground, where Harmony, worst vampire ever, is putting up a unicorn poster. Spike returns and thankfully this time it’s a lot less domestic violencey, so you can all breathe easy knowing that I am both (a) not criticizing Spike -and- (b) acknowledging that Harmony is annoying.

Xander is absurdly narrating his stakeout with Giles. The two of them together amuse me. They’re a random little pairing, though it strangely makes more sense than almost anything else that’s going on right now. Maybe it’s not that strange, given how little of the show’s current events make sense.

At the party, Willow insists that she’s fine to get rid of Buffy. Once Buffy isn’t at her side, Willow goes to give Riley pointers on talking to Buffy. He can’t ask her to dance because he can’t dance. Willow suggests talking, with a reminder that if he hurts her, she’ll beat him with a shovel. This is my favorite Willow. “A vague disclaimer’s nobody’s friend,” she adds before patting him on the arm and telling him to go have fun.

K: ADORBS.

Sweeney: He finally goes to talk to her and I’ll be honest, I find his awkward inability to think of anything to discuss besides the reading and offering her cheese kind of adorable. I didn’t think this would happen, but I’m glad it did, if only because it gives me hope that Lor might actually be able to keep some semblance of an open mind.

Lor: I wouldn’t quite call it open. It’s more… ajar.

Sweeney: I’ll take it.

In the woods, Xander comes across Harmony starting a fire. They have a ridiculous fight that makes no sense given the strength Harmony ought to have, but I’m glad it happened because the slow-motion slap fight was fantastic. Xander finally gives up, but they chat long enough for Harmony to reveal that she’s burning Spike’s stuff because he is back in town and out to kill Buffy.

K: I love the slap fight. Especially because Xander was all “I TOTALLY STILL HAVE SOLDIER BOY POWERS” earlier. Plus, it’s just so perfect for both of their characters.

Lor: This slap fight was hilarious and I am not sorry for thinking so.

Sweeney: You shouldn’t be.

Back at the party, Riley is lamenting his failure to Willow. Dingoes At My Baby starts playing, and Willow gets sad, so Riley makes them change the music, which is also sweet.

Lor: This episode is selling Riley, but it’s selling Riley and Willow…

Sweeney: Willow then says that’s she’s going to leave and telling Buffy that can be his new opening.

Riley tells Buffy and just as he’s getting up the nerve to actually say something legitimate, Xander appears to tell Buffy that they need to go deal with “unfinished business.” She runs off and I really do feel sorry for Riley. I blame Willow. Once Willow got on board, I did too. Damn it, Willow. (L: SEE?)

Sweeney: Forrest and the other bro appear to tell Riley that they’re needed downstairs. As Forrest is telling Riley that Buffy and Xander are off having sex (EW.) (L: “Crazy naked sex” as opposed to the fully clothed sex that happens in the Fifty Shades-verse.) we learn that other bro’s name is Graham and he likes Buffy. As they have this conversation they go from frat house to a super secure high tech basement that turns out to be — wait for it — the Abysmal Plot Research Facility! Absolutely nobody is surprised.

Riley assumes that no girl will want to go out with a guy who’s normal by day and demon hunter by night.

K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Sweeny: Graham prophetically adds that a peculiar one might. Bro chat continues as we see how hardcore militaristic and high tech and whatever this facility is. Their boss turns out to be none other than Evil Bitch Monster, Professor Walsh. They have to suit up because Hostile 17 (Spike) has gotten out and they need to suit up and go find him.

Riley is in charge of the operation and he barks a bunch of orders about the various sectors of campus that each group is going to take.

Back at New Wiggins, Buffy is grumbling about how Sunnydale is her town (why do people keep wanting it? It sucks!) and it was super rude to come after her on her night off. She leaves to go after him.

Lor: I really, really feel bad for Giles and Xander and hope that they find more use for them soon.

Sweeney: Meanwhile, Spike is in a random computer lab, finding Buffy’s information. Riley & Co. are in the bushes and they’ve spotted a civilian who is theoretically compromising the area. Obvs, it’s Buffy. Forrest wants to leave her as bait, but Riley pulls rank and denies that suggestion, meaning that he needs to get her out of there.

Buffy hears someone approaching and starts to stake, but it’s Riley, sans military gear. They then have an awkward and kind of amusing conversation in which they are both awkwardly trying to make the other go away.

K: It’s kind of unexpectedly fantastic.

Sweeney: Riley also manages to work Xander into the conversation too. Taking a break from hating this arc and everything surrounding this, I was also amused by this chat.

Lor: Clearly you both forgot how not-that-bad Riley starts off, because seriously: not bad. (Yet?)

Sweeney: It might just be that I hate him for his association with this plot. There’s only one episode that I remember where he personally irritates me.

As they both insist that they’re not going anywhere, a woman screams and they both run. Riley and his guys apparently have a tracking device on Spike. Where was their little tracker a minute ago? I don’t understand.

In the Bigger On The Inside Dorm Room, Willow is home and Spike shows up. He says something about how he’ll give her a choice about whether or not he brings her back as a vampire. Except not really, because if he did kill her it would be downright foolish of him not to bring her back as a vampire, and not just because vamp!Willow is hilarious. Because of actual strategy and stuff.

She screams and he turns on music before throwing her on the bed to go for the kill. HOWEVER, after the Not Commercial Break, he is sitting on the bed, terribly confused because this has never happened before. The scene that follows is fucking GOLD and there’s no snark that can do it justice. I assume nobody will fault me for using two consecutive comic strip gifs from this scene:

K: FAVOURITE THING OF ALL TIME. Especially the part where Spike tells Willow he’d bite her in a heartbeat. Despite all the terror, it’s probably what she needs to hear right about now.

Lor: When I saw Spike walk into the dorm room, I SQUEE’d instead of being terrified. Their scenes in (again) “Lover’s Walk” were fantastic and I love this one just as much. The double entendre, the way that Spike gets to talk through his “performance” issues of late, the way Willow gets to talk through her heart-break-induced self-esteem issues and the two call backs to “Lovers Walk?” They make this episode for me.

Sweeney: Out in the woods, Graham is using a thermal imaging device to scan the dorm building where the scream came from. He correctly identifies Spike in Buffy’s room. In said room, Spike is still freaking out and Willow seizes the opportunity to attack Spike and try to flee. As she does, the lights go out in the building, courtesy of Riley & friends.

There is a fight in the hallway, in which Spike continues to get zapped when he tries to bite. They have Spike apprehended when Forrest tries to take Willow too, as she may have been turned, but Riley insists that they leave her. Spike gets free and some sort of gas is loosed, and Willow tries to crawl away. Buffy then appears and fires off a flare gun that Xander had insisted she take so that she could conveniently have it during this moment. The flare disorients everyone and Spike gets away. Buffy shoves Willow inside their room and closes the door and proceeds to have an intense fight with Riley while Graham and Forrest try (unsuccessfully) to stop Spike.

Back at the Initiative’s headquarters, Walsh is going off on them because not only did they fail to capture Hostile 17, but he now has a strong accomplice (who the guys insist is a huge dude, due to their vision being impaired by the gas) (K: LOL FOREVER). The good news is that is that her neurological implant is clearly working, preventing him from harming any living thing. This makes negative sense except that it provides a contrivance-filled reason for Spike to live, so thanks Great Contrivance Spirit!

K: YAY, CONTRIVANCE!!

Sweeney: The next day Buffy and Riley run into each other outside and apologize for being totes weird the night before, as neither  realizes that they fought each other. Buffy gives him the opening to ask her out, but he dodges it and asks if Willow told her that he likes cheese. She calls him peculiar, which he says he can live with.

I didn’t hate this episode nearly as much as I thought I would. Setting aside my contempt for the arc and general lack of sense-making, there were a lot of good moments here.

Lor: Yeah… I enjoyed this. Considering what we’ve seen of the season, this ranks only behind “Fear Itself” and “Wild at Heart” so far. There you go. Remind me of this whenever it’s time to start hating Riley and the Initiative!

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: My (ex) boyfriend’s back and I’m gonna get in trouble! Something like that when Angel comes back to Sunnydale in S04 E08 – Pangs.