Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E11 – Headaches.

Previously: The freakiest fairy tale of all time, in which Sunnydale loses its collective voice and we get to call more characters Fun Dip.
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Doomed

Lorraine: This episode starts so directly after the end of the last, I thought for a second I was still watching previouslys. But no, Buffy and Riley are just sitting around, giving really good awkward silence. She breaks it first by suggesting one of them speak before graduation. Riley paces a bit before asking what she is. Buffy dryly offers, “Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?” Riley apologizes for the blunt question, but he’s in awe of her strength and speed.

Buffy turns the question around on him, and he assures her that she knows who he is. What he does, though, is confidential. She offers up her own explanation: he’s part of a military squad capturing “hostile subterrerrestrials,” and performing experiments on them that may even convert them into harmless bunnies. Riley is shocked by how much she knows, but points out that he isn’t the only one who has been less than honest.

K: Some of the camera angles in this scene make Buffy look about three feet tall. It’s kind of unfortunate. She also appears to be wearing those Sketchers with elastic down the front instead of laces, which, OBVIOUSLY, because it was 2000, and also I just Googled Sketchers to find you a picture and discovered that I’ve been spelling the company name wrong for the past 13 years. Apparently it’s “Skechers”, which makes my brain hurt. </segue of randomness>

Lor: Often times, I don’t even know what to do after these segues…

Buffy tells Riley that she is the Slayer. I guess he gives her a blank look, but this look could also just be called “Riley.” He has no idea what that means, and Buffy suggests he look it up: slayer comma the.

K: LOVE.

Sweeney: Buffy’s irritation that someone who knows about demons wouldn’t know about her is priceless.

Lor: And then, somehow, this conversation acquires sexy undertones when Riley points out that after their encounter with The Gentlemen, he’s covered in bruises UNDER HIS CLOTHES, WINK and she doesn’t have a scratch anywhere on her soft, supple, nubile skin. Something like that.

Buffy suggests they need some time to process everything. He starts to leave but Rat Amy freaks out in her cage. A second later, there is an earthquake which excites Riley but not Buffy. Roll credits.

OH GOD, MARC BLUCAS IS IN THE CREDITS NOW? BUT WHY?

K: Because of UGH. They also picked really unfortunate shots of him and his long greasy hair to include. EW. 

Sweeney: Not that I’m likely to sing his praises regardless, but they weren’t doing him any favors with those scene selections.

Lor: Xander’s Fruit Roll-Up Basement. Spike is complaining about his sodden chair, as the quake knocked a couple of pipes loose. Xander points him in the direction of a wrench as he has to get to his job of the episode, but Spike balks at the chore. Xander tells him he either earns his keep or doesn’t get kept. I’m working really hard over here to buy this set-up, I promise. I think it just gave me a headache, much like the one Spike gets when he tries to hit Xander. I know how you feel, boo.

Sweeney: THE CONTRIVANCE IS GIVING US HEADACHES, WHEDON.

K: Also, it took me literally a full five minutes to work out that when Xander says that he’s the one paying for the plasma, he means ‘blood’ and not ‘my flatscreen TV costs a lot to run.’ Oh, 2000. You were a simpler time.

Lor: At the Bigger On The Inside Dorm, Willow comes bouncing in with news of the quake. Porter Dorm is blacked out, so they are celebrating with an Aftershock Party. Willow tells Buffy she should head down with Riley, but she says he’s busy and she’s on her way to see Giles. Willow asks if anything is wrong, and Buffy unconvincingly says that nothing is.

We cut to her pacing in Giles’s courtyard, predicting that something horrible is going to happen. Giles pooh-poohs her, as it was only an earthquake, common in southern California. Buffy points out that they last time there was an earthquake, one of my still favorite episodes ever happened. Also, she died. Giles understands her anxiety but sticks to his general “an earthquake is an earthquake” theory. Anyways, he’s more concerned with The Initiative, as he’s deduced that they are located directly underneath the university.

K: Did Spike telling them that he escaped from the labs and ended up on campus not give that away several weeks ago?! 

Lor: Good point. I guess since his information came via freakout, they decided to ignore him? Not sure.

Riley is asking Forrest what a slayer is, and his answer is a band “with delusions of Black Sabbath.” Riley’s all, no, dude. Slayer comma the. Forrest says he’s heard of it and figures it’s some sort of boogeyman story vamps and demons tell their kids to make them behave. All a myth. Riley wonders how Forrest explains what they deal with every day, as a horned demon is led by them. He thinks they are animals. The horned demon starts attacking his captors and Forrest and Riley run over to help. Once Horned is knocked out, Forrest is all SEE? ANIMALS. Also, it appears that much like Rat Amy, the captured baddies have been rattling their cages all day.

Over at the Aftershock Party where they all have flashlights but music is blasting (?) (K: It was a simpler time, when stereos could be run on D cell batteries?), Willow spots Percy and heads over to greet him. He’s on a football scholarship at USC, but he’s here with a girl who at first glance looks a little like a poor man’s Eliza Dushku. She’s a bitch to Willow so I don’t feel bad saying that she’s a little fatter in the face than ED. Percy nicely asks after Oz, but then Poor Man’s Eliza cuts the conversation off by whispering something to Percy and leading him away. We follow a line of kids who kind of look like they are mambo-ing out a door and see a demon-y hand with some long, Stiletto nails reach in. We cut to a shirtless redshirt pouring drinks. Stiletto Nails slits open his throat.

K: He kind of deserved it. I’m pretty sure he just mixed Tanqueray and 7-Up. And he free poured.

Lor: Willow is still alone and awkwardly bopping as she waits for Buffy to show. She overhears Percy talking to Poor Man’s Eliza. She accuses him of flirting with Willow, and he denies it. Willow is nice, he claims, but he likes his women hot. OH NO, WILLOW. You are totally hot! I mean, I’d ditch whatever the hell that coat you are wearing is, but you know. She walks away sadly and finds an empty room to sulk in. Except jokes, the room has the Shirtless Redshirt in it, sufficiently dead and now with some sort of symbol nail-carved into his chest. It was nice for the demon to leave a clue.

Sweeney: Detecting is way easier this way.

Lor: Fruit Roll-Up Basement. Xander complains that things look worse than when he left and that the leak isn’t even fixed! Spike, just off screen, ominously tells Xander not to turn around as the music swells. Xander does anyway and we see Spike dressed in an assortment of terrible Xander wear. It. is. hilarious.

K: Hawaiian Shirt Spike is the best. 

Lor: Spikes whines that he shrunk his own clothes and that he hates the basement. He sends Xander off to get him some decent clothing and more blood. Xander puts his foot down and says that Spike isn’t the “big bad” anymore. And even though Xander could kick his butt, he claims Spike isn’t even worth it. Spike grills him, and he’s clearly doing that tongue on the roof of the mouth thing. Xander leaves, and is it daytime? Because I’m not entirely sure why Spike doesn’t also leave? JOKES, JOKES. I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.

Sweeney: THE HEADACHES.

Lor: At the not-quite-a-party-anymore, first responders are wheeling the dead body out. Buffy is there and Willow calls her over and tells her that she (Willow) found the dead body and also Percy called her a nerd! Buffy has a nice BFF moment when she’s all, OMG, PERCY CALLED YOU A NERD? She gets it right, sometimes, our Buffy. Willow suggests reporting to Giles and as they walk out Buffy asks, “Does Percy even go here?”

Oh, like you don’t see it coming:

Riley and Forrest are having some bro-chat, but when it turns to Buffy, Forrest is all OH MY GOD. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. Maybe that was me? IDK. Us token brown people sort of bleed together.

K: It’s not just you. Forrest (and Lor. And me) says pretty much exactly that.

Sweeney: But also: I love you.

Lor: Another bro walks in to inform them about the extreme dead guy found at the party. Riley decides to go do some recon, while Forrest is off to report to The Evil Bitch Monster.

At Giles’s New Wiggins Apartment, Willow is complaining about Percy some more, saying that it made her feel like she was still in high school. Willow really thrived in her first weeks of college, but I think a big part of that was thanks to Oz who helped fill her social calendar. Anyways, Xander cutely points out that Percy would still be in a high school had it not been for Willow. She is aware, however, that the important thing right now is the Shirtless Redshirt. She noticed that he was propped up so that whatever killed him probably collected some of his drained blood. And then! Willow totally makes the point I just did about dating a guitarist making her not a nerd… but Oz is gone. I’d say more about how good I am at TV, but awww, Oz.

Back to dead guy: Willow shows Giles a picture of the nail-art on his chest. Xander jokes that it looks like the CBS logo and HA! TV network humor. Giles says that the earthquake + symbol mean it’s the end of the world, and all three Scoobies ask, “again?” and I know, right?

K: I’m pretty sure I said the exact same thing the first time I saw this episode.

Sweeney: I mean, dealing with the occasional apocalypse is sort of an inevitable hazard of the job for B.

Lor: Willow wonders what they should do and Buffy picks up a crossbow and says she’ll stop it. That’s the spirit, B, but maybe get more details first.

Sweeney: Right? This is around the time I completely checked out of this episode for sheer frustration. STOP WHAT, B? Usually when B is storming off without information, there is some sort of surrounding justification for her to do that and some of the Scoobies to point out that she needs to slow her roll. Not this time! Because fuck this episode.

Lor: We cut to Buffy expositing to herself that she recognized the nail-art symbol from one of the mausoleums in the cemetery, where she now is. Inside, Stiletto Nails is collecting some bones. We get a better look at him and he has a cyclops horn. Not as cool as a giant jewel. I like that I’m now ranking demons on powers and general appearance. It makes me feel good about my life. Buffy fights Stiletto and has the upper hand for most of the fight, until he body slams her into headstone. She jumps up and attacks… Riley! Who strolls in to say that he saw Stiletto take off into the woods. He calls the sighting into base.

K: His code name is Lilac. Buffy and I both make fun of him.

Lor: Buffy’s all, “end of the world, gotta go!” but not really, because they are going to have another relationship talk. It’s all will they, won’t they with none of the wanting them to will they. And then Riley says something about every inch of him humming. Again: IDK. He likes her and swears they have a lot in common. Buffy doesn’t think so. She went to school for 3 years on a Hellmouth, and while he’s running around being military adventure guy, she doesn’t get a choice. This is her destiny and something she cannot change. Riley tries to insist, but Buffy firmly says that her answer is no. I predict that Riley will respect this and Buffy will stick to this decision. HAHAHAHA. Yeah.

Buffy heads off now that the demon is probably half way to Mexico.

New Wiggins. The Scoobies are doing research, reading a rhyming couplet written about Stiletto. We cut to Riley giving a more straight forward, factual account of the demon to his Initiative-bros. And I just realized that they are all males. GIRLS ARE SLAYERS TOO. We cut to Buffy pointing out that Stiletto wasn’t digging up bones of a child for shits and giggles. Willow recalls reading about this and looks it up in a book that tells of a ritual involving blood of a man, bones of a child and the Word of Valios as a sacrifice that ends the world. The Initiative will track Stiletto using pheromones and the Scoobies also split up with a warning from B to be careful and not get hurt.

Fruit Roll-Up Basement. Spike is going to throw himself on an upward facing stake. It doesn’t work out. He just breaks the coffee table, and also, Willow and Xander walk in on him.

Willow thinks they can’t let him kill himself because they know him now. Spike points out that he’d drain Willow if he could, but instead he’s stuck in the basement, washing Xander’s underwear.

Willow doesn’t want to leave Spike alone, so they take him and his short pants to the museum with them.

K: I love how he cheers up when Xander mentions that the world might end.

Lor: Buffy and Riley find each other in the street and I DON’T CARE. ALL OF THE NOT CARING. They just had this fucking conversation, but they are gonna have it again.

Riley: We have a lot in common, blah.
Buffy: Everyone dies, blah blah.
Riley: We have the same job and it’s fun!
Buffy: Yeah, Faith said that and she’s in a coma. No go.
Riley: Buuuuut whhhyyyyy?
Buffy: I BROKE A MAN WITH MY VAGINA, OKAY. GOD DAMN IT. I’M RUINED FOR LIFE.
Riley: Self-involved much?
Buffy: I HATE YOU.
Riley: Please love me?
Buffy: Leave me alone.
Riley: Okay, but probably not likely. Bye!

K: Pretty much exactly how it happened.

Sweeney: A+ forever.

Lor: Xander, Willow and Spike found nothing at the museum. Spike is still wallowing and Willow says he’ll adjust to his new way of life. He doesn’t like the sound of that and doesn’t want to end up like them. He fights dirty when he tells Xander that instead of university, he’s living in a basement and tells Willow she couldn’t keep “dog-boy” happy. Spike riles them up some more by pointing out that Buffy probably doesn’t even need them anymore and they are the same 10th grade losers they’ve always been. He walks away smirking.

Giles finds out what the Word of Valios is and whoops, it turns out it’s a talisman and he’s the one who has it! He grabs his coat but the Stiletto demon and his two friends are already in the apartment. Later, Buffy arrives at the apartment to find a very beat-up Giles saying he should’ve known better. He tells them all that the Stilettos are on their way to open the Hellmouth under the Old Wiggins Library. Buffy: Looks like we’re going back to high school.

Aw. I miss it. I MISS SUNNYDALE HIGH.

K: So do I. And I have the t-shirt to prove it.

Sweeney: I DON’T HAVE A SHIRT BUT I MISS IT SO MUCH.

Lor: After a Not Commercial break, the Scoobies approach the weirdly still standing and easy to get into Sunnydale High. It’s all burned and depressing, guys.

K: Not to mention full of chunks of charred Mayor demon. EW.

Lor: Buffy briefly wonder why Spike is even there, but then she’s all, “NVM. I forgot we aren’t asking that question.”

The Scoobies walk the charred halls until they reach the library where the Three Stilettos are preparing for the ritual. Buffy attacks and Xander and Willow jump in to grab the blood and bones so they can’t finish the ritual. Willow throws the bag of bones to Spike and a Stiletto comes after him and punches him a few times before he’s had enough and punches back. He expects a headache but alas! He can hit demons! He wails on Stiletto, and finally grabs him and throws him into a Hellmouth crack in the ground, which was the wrong thing to do. Two Stilettos have now gone down that hole, which means just one more and the Hellmouth opens.

Buffy is fighting the last one as the building starts shaking and collapsing. A falling beam takes Spike out, but Xander rushes over and helps him out. Buffy stabs the last Stiletto, but he keeps on fighting, but hey! It’s Riley! Just here. Again. Showing up and stuff. Buffy tells Riley not to let Stiletto in the Hellmouth, but he makes it in anyways because Buffy was momentarily distracted by Riley getting hit on the head. She wants to jump in after the Stiletto and Riley’s all, “cool. I have this.. mountain climbing cable (?) on my utility belt.” I’m not sure. I’m not an outdoorsy girl.

K: I’m guessing it’s meant to be some kind of Batman-esque super strong cable thing, but to me it just looks like the retractable clotheslines that they put above the bath in hotels. Replace the pull thing on the end with a carabiner and you have this:

Lor: Anyways, Buffy jumps in and we get a really tacky shot of her falling down. Riley pulls her back up and she’s got the last Stiletto with her. Hellmouth re-opening averted.

Afterwards, Riley awkwards an explanation to Xander and Willow about how he was just passing back. Willow: You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit? Xander calls him commando guy, but he denies it. Riley sort of recognizes Spike and he puts on an “American accent” and claims to be Xander’s friend. American James Masters doing an American accent while doing a British accent? A+

The gang leave the ruins of their high school (and being geeks or man-ruiners) behind.

The next day Buffy visits Riley and I just checked but I still don’t care. They kiss.

K: And Buffy’s hair is held back with a little blue plastic butterfly clip, because she’s just a huge walking stereotype of 2000-ness. And in Googling butterfly hair clips to check that I was giving them the right name, the internet gifted me this and I can’t not share it with you:

Sweeney: AWESOME. I definitely rocked that look in 1999. Of course, I turned 11 that year. What were SMG and the PAID STYLISTS excuses?

Lor: Drunk on the millenium Kool-aid.

At the Fruit Roll-Up Basement, Willow and Xander watch TV, but Spike thinks they need to be getting out there and kicking some demon ass.

I’m glad Useless Spike is over. At least he can hit things now.

Sweeney: Hopefully we’ve also now done all of the necessary THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE set-up to make his continued presence more logical, giving us have fewer contrivance-induced headaches. I really hope so.

Lor: You and me both.

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ethan Rayne is back in town and Giles makes a stop at the Traumaland Pub in S04 E12 – A New Man.