Previously: The first and second books, in which billionaire CEO Christian Grey meets barely-a-real-person Ana Steele and they fall in insta-love and abuse each other in a multitude of ways. Also, Grey put a ring on it.
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Sweeney: It’s here, Traumateers! The beginning of the end! I feel like I can see the glorious light at the end of this shit tunnel.
Lorraine: While Sweeney and I were in California, during our goodbye brunch, we had a serious 15-20 minute conversation about the end of Fifty Shades, the amount of time we invested in it and how weird/awesome it will be when we’re done. Thinking of the end gives me something like nauseous nostalgia. It’s weird.
Sweeney: Before we dive into the nauseous nostalgia, the book begins with a page of thanks to various people who helped bring this book into being. Aside from how much I hate all of these people for being in any way complicit, I am particularly intrigued by the fact that it includes a “doctor” for “all things medical” and someone who explained the American adoption system. I want to try not to hold these people accountable for the fact that E. L. James is incompetent, but I think it’s worth pointing out that there are now other people involved in supplying the “factual information” behind this drivel. Cool.
Lor: IDK. I hold the GROUP OF THREE EDITORS she thanks pretty accountable.
Sweeney: A fair point.
This book begins with another stupid baby Christian Grey prologue. It’s supposed to be in the voice of a toddler, but reads like a vaguely literate adult using short sentences. Because that is what is happening. This prologue is Baby Grey with corpse!Crack Whore, not yet aware of her corpseness. She is found, first by her pimp-boyfriend, and then by the cops. We jump, without any clear transition whatsoever, to some third-person narration as Ana wakes Grey up from his nightmare.
Aside from the third person, it’s recycled: “OMG YOU’RE HERE!” / Ana’s name is a “talisman” and they belong to each other. Also, some nonsense about vows and no obeying and how they’ll find a way because they always do. If by “always” they mean “in the two months they have known each other” and by “find a way” they mean “ignore the problem completely.”
Lor: I love that James likes starting her erotica books with child abuse and death. I’m not saying a book can’t be multiple things and cross genres, but I mean, 97% of people read this book to beat it, yeah? How’s a corpse crack whore for putting you in the mood?
Sweeney: Moving past hawt corpses, chapter one starts with their honeymoon, meaning we are spared wedding details. This is probably good, because as much time as I spend judging people for reading this book, I would OH MY GOD judge you if you stole your wedding from the pages of crappy fan fiction. Although, there are people making fantasy Fifty Shades weddings, because the world is a frightening place.
Then I get confused because they’re on a boat, finishing up teh sex as Grey asks Ana if they can get married tomorrow. Said boat seems to be at his parents’ house (not a beach in Monaco, where we were two paragraphs ago) and Mama Grey would be in SEVENTH HEAVEN if they got married at the house. I then took a break to sing the 7th Heaven theme song and think about how horrified the creators of that show would be to know that I’ve now made a mental association between their crappy show about a Pastor’s family and this crappy book about BDSM.
But then we’re back to the beach and OH MY GOD IS THE WHOLE BOOK GOING TO DO THIS? THIS IS THE WORST APPLICATION OF TIME TRAVEL EVER. I AM GOING TO CRY. HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSE? Magic. Evil magic.
Anyway, it’s time for Grey to sunscreen Ana up. They keep addressing each other as Mr. and Mrs. Grey and I can already tell that this book will have our highest “Grey” count yet. Woo! It’s also time for your first Christian Grey Is Abusive Boyfriend Levels of Possessive (oh, sorry, ABUSIVE HUSBAND NOW! WEEEE!) because he’s displeased by how naked she is. This little harlot is wearing a bikini on the beach, though, so he’s right to be so uncomfortable! She jokes about going topless like everyone else on the beach and he tells her not to push her luck, because, you know, he gets to decide what clothing she wears. So glad they’re married now!
Inner Goddess also makes her first appearance to suggest some sort of strip tease “for his eyes only” that evening. Fingers crossed that it waits until the next chapter.
Lor:
Sweeney: Ana falls asleep and wakes up to more booze, and I want to warn her against ever accepting open drinks from a Christian Grey because it’s bound be a roofie cocktail. This is also an invitation for us all to refresh our glasses, because a mandatory drink is coming up: the first thing she notices is that “His shorts fall a little and hang . . . in that way.” I need to not do the drinking game or I’ll have you all hospitalized before the chapter’s over.
Grey insists that Ana go for a swim with him and then does his usual thing of demanding that she do whatever the fuck he wants by picking her up. She squeals and adds that the people on the beach are looking on “with bemused disinterest” which she adds is typical of the French and this doesn’t really have a point, except that I’m angry with her on behalf of French people. Earlier Grey was speaking French to order the drinks and that made me angry too, because I’ve reached this point where everything E. L. James does makes me angry and I’m sitting over here all, “You stay away from the French! They don’t deserve this!”
They make out in the sea, and Ana wants to get right to more sex, but Grey’s crazypants possessive behavior turns out to be a win for the innocent sunbathers of Monte Carlo (who are suddenly totes interested in Ana and Grey because the entire world spends all of its time thinking of sex with one or both of them) because he doesn’t want anyone to see her O face.
Lor: He does that thing I HULKSMASH HATE where he’s all, “want to have sex right here?” and Ana’s all, “yes!” and then he says, “pffffft! NO.” I agree, no you shouldn’t, BUT THEN WHY DID YOU ASK? HE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME.
Sweeney: It’s his adorable little way of reminding Ana that he establishes the terms of their relationship, her wishes be damned. Since he won’t fuck her in public, she goes back to the beach to sunbathe topless. Because that’ll show him!
Then we do another annoying jump backwards. HOORAY. This time to the moment they both say, “I do.” Grey gives her FUCK ME eyes from the altar and tells her not to let anybody else take the dress off but him because I’m sure she totally had plans to have someone else do that? That doesn’t even make sense, like many of his commands.
Ana sees her mom and her ex-step-dad dancing and gets all bummer town about failed marriages, remembering that she’s known her now-husband for a hot minute. Kate comes to cheer her up, being all, “Yeah, but you’ve been way happy for the hot minute, and TOO LATE NOW SO LOL WHATEVER.” What a friend.
Grey decides that they have been at their reception for way too long, with all those people LOOKING AT ANA, and nobody else is ever allowed to do that. He’s intercepted by grandparents wanting dances, and so he relents. Josecob makes his obligatory lifted-from-Twilight appearance, telling her that he’ll always be there for her. I am waiting for him to add, “As long as your heart is still beating,” but that part only happens in my head.
It’s finally time for them to go for realsies, and Ana’s all, “So, sex now, right?” because she wants to change before they travel anywhere. Unfortunately for Ana’s general comfort, Grey is , as usual, not about that; this assclown is going to make her wear that wedding gown – and keep her hair up – for ages. I am drafting this from an airport, in mega comfy clothes and all I can say is fuck that.
In more directly-lifted-from-the-original-crap-material news, their honeymoon plans are, at this flashback point, totally top secret to everyone who isn’t named Christian Grey. Ana’s mother is as annoyed by Ana’s uncomfortable travel attire as I am, and mentions the absence of the word “obey” from their vows, which is a weird point to make, considering that she supposedly knows nothing of their creepy relationship. Ana has traumatic memory feels because it is implied that they had a big epic fight about this before the prologue nightmare. As we are continuing to do this bullshit waste of time travel, we get to save that fight for later. I’m sure you’re all excited.
Lor: This fight will probably be like that one time Grey had a secret. NON-STOP THRILL RIDE.
Sweeney: Brushing aside more serious problems with their relationship, our happy couple says goodbye to everyone and heads for the airport where nobody but Ana is surprised to learn that they will be flying on a private jet. The First Officer on the flight is female, so she obvs wants Christian Grey inside of her, and Ana actually rolls her eyes at the fact that yet another woman wants her man. Us too, Ana.
Grey talks to another pretty lady about the flight and Ana internal monologues random words from the conversation as questions. You can play along at home. Like so: Flight? Random? Questions?
Lor: Abuse? Murder? I want to light this book on fire?
(I don’t think I’m playing right. Oh well.)
Sweeney: You tried, though.
In more cheating at narrating, Grey gives a displeased look to the pretty flight attendant, so she’s probably going to try to murder them at some point. They move on from that, though, and sip champagne while chatting about the big European destinations they’re going to hit on their honeymoon. Meanwhile, I am now in a middle seat listening to the second most epic snoring I have ever heard, on a red eye to Minneapolis-St. Paul. The world is unfair, Traumateers.
They eat dinner and Grey finally decides that Ana gets to change out of her wedding dress. I guess Ana has a history of wearing the same dress for an obscenely long time. (L: A+) Airplane sex is new territory for Grey, so he figured that was a good way to kick off the married life. There is a warped humor in the fact that I’m about to make this flight worse for myself by awkwardly reading Mile High Club porn. Do not worry; this is not lost on me.
He’s slow enough with the dress removal that he has time to tell Ana that she is his more than once.
Lor: Dude, he’s so slow that he murmurs all of this between kisses: I. Want. You. So. Much. I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You. You. Are. Mine.
Sweeney: Then we ooh and aah over her pink corset and Grey fondles her boobs with just his middle finger which seems weird and awkward to me. Just me? (L: Nope.) It seems weirder that I’m spending time thinking/typing about this on a plane. I’M SORRY, GOOD PEOPLE OF THIS AWKWARD AIRLINES FLIGHT. IT’S FOR THE GOOD OF THE INTERNET, I PROMISE.
So, he’s got her on the bed in this super swanky airplane, whose description mostly makes me think of the Spice World bus, in that the inside must be inexplicably larger than the outside would suggest is possible. See also: The Bigger On The Inside Dorm Room.
Lor: Of course named after the TARDIS. All of these things are way too awesome for Grey’s abductoplane, however.
Sweeney: Ana decides it’s her turn to undress him and we learn that he wore her favorite silver gray tie in their wedding. Is it just me or EW? Money bags couldn’t buy a new silver GREY tie? Seriously? There’s no way that’s sanitary at this point. It has to be a bit frayed and nasty by now, too.
Sexytimes continue and if you’re still playing the Awkward Airlines drinking game I said we were done playing, you can take a drink because Grey says Ana’s name like a prayer. As a not-religious person, prayers are kind of a panicked-my-life-might-be-about-to-end kind of deal, so it’s hard for me to see this as erotic in any way, but it does sound sort of appropriate for them, like Grey is acknowledging how close to ending Ana’s life is each time she’s alone with him, which is 95% of always.
Lor: If you wanna get really drunk, just know that in this sex scene, he calls her “mine” 8 times. EIGHT TIMES.
Sweeney: This is a slightly less one minute wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am operation than their usual actual sex, though thankfully for me that only means that it was like a minute and a half. However, the big orgasm moment is interrupted by Ana waking up back on the beach from before – again without any actual clear break as we bounce all the fuck over time and space in the worst time warp ever – and Grey is mega pissed. Probs because she showed her boobies to the beach.
Lor: Maybe because he’s annoyed with these breaks, though, because I seriously forgot we were ever at the beach. EL James is asking me to retain too much information from her chapters.
But probably because she showed her boobies.
Murmur Count – 13
Whisper Count – 18
Bonus for my own amusement:
Grey Count – 30
Next time on Fifty Shades Freed: Ana’s in trouble on account of showing her boobies. Find out how Grey threatens her in Chapter 02.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
