Previously: We met the Flowerboss of Highgarden, Brienne (mostly) beat Jaime at a sword fight, Bran met up with another boy with special skillz and even though he sucks, we found it hard to watch Theon tortured.
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Walk of Punishment
Lorraine: Just when we seem to give up on the credits, it adds a shiny, new location to the map so we forgive it for being an occasional liar. I feel like this is an abusive relationship, Credits, but I don’t know how to quit you. Today: King’s Landing, Harrenhal, (new location) Riverrun, Winterfell on Fire, The Wall and Astapor.
Sweeney: I’m glad you got the episode where the credits tried to make nice again, because I don’t think I’m ready to forgive just yet.
Lor: Fair.
Lady Catelyn’s father’s dead body is pushed off into the sea for a Viking-type funeral as she stands solemnly by with the rest of those in mourning. An archer attempts to shoot a lit arrow onto the boat and misses, which is exactly the most embarrassing thing that could’ve happened at that moment. He tries again and misses. Robb gives a chuckle which I want to call equal parts disbelieving and nervous. Maybe because I sometimes laugh when I’m in a situation where I’m overwhelmed by my emotions. Awkward Blogger Confession #528.
Sweeney: +1. Laughter is always the answer. Except when it makes things worse, which turns out to be quite often. Oops.
Lor: The Awkward Turtle Archer tries and fails one more time. An older gentleman behind him roughly pushes him out of the way and takes aim. He releases the arrow and is so confident, he doesn’t even look to see it land and catch fire. Cool guys don’t look at explosions.
The Awkward Turtle is Edmure Tully, Lord Tully’s son.
Inside somewhere, Robb is looking out a window, while Edmure bickers with the cool guy who didn’t look at the explosion, who I believe is Brynden Tully. Edmure says that Robb won’t win the war by himself and there is enough glory to go around. Robb says this isn’t about glory, and what’s more, Edmure disobeyed instructions. Robb had hopped to draw The Mountain out further into their country, to kill him, but instead all they have to show for Edmure’s premature attack are 208 dead mean and some lesser Lannister relations as hostages. Edmure apologizes. He didn’t know. All of this, looking back now on the opening scene, is interesting. Edmure, seems like an idiot – one who doesn’t get the job done.
Robb continues to chew Edmure out and says he should’ve been patient. Brynden says it appears they are all running out of patience, but Robb is all, “Tywin Lannister eats patience for breakfast.” And in case you are wondering what all this means, just know that we should all be really worried because the war is not going well for the Starks.
Sweeney: Basically. I didn’t hear words so much as: “WOMP WOMP HAVE ALL THE ANXIETY FOR FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WOMP WOMP.”
Lor: Yeah, it was really on second watch that I caught words and stuff.
In King’s Landing, the very patient Tywin has gathered the Small Council- Littlefinger, Varys, Pycell, and Tyrion. Littlefinger rushes forward like a little bitch to claim the seat closest to Tywin. Cersei is the last to walk in and, like a HBIC, she grabs a chair from the end and places it on the other side of Tywin, to his right hand none the less. It’s like she just skipped everyone in the lunch line. Tyrion then makes a big show of noisily dragging the last remaining chair to the other head of the table, directly across (and furthest away from) Tywin. I love him most of all.
Sweeney: This scene ran the risk of being discordantly comical, and is a testament to all involved that it ended up being fucking perfect instead. Cersei and Tyrion obviously, but Varys had same A+ eyebrow raises in there too, and I just want to gif the whole thing.
But that would take time and somebody else got close enough:
Sweeney:
Lor: Tyrion suggests that maybe this isn’t the best time to leave the kingdom finances unattended, as the royal wedding is going to be expensive and summer is over. SHIT, IS WINTER ACTUALLY HERE NOW? I’m a little disturbed. I don’t know how to feel if winter is here, and not in fact, coming. Anyways, Tywin agrees that someone should be doing the accounting, and names Tyrion the new Master of Coin. Tyrion does a SAY WUH? because he has no idea how to manage money. Cersei is amused.
The men of House Bolton who recaptured Jaime ride along singing what is probably a falsely merry tune (The Bear and the Maiden Fair). They sound pretty good too, so if their lives as bannermen don’t work out, there isa future for them all in Falsely Merry Tune Singing. Behind them, Brienne and Jaime ride on a horse, tied back to back, so that Brienne is at the reins. They are having the same argument I had at the end of last recap about who was at a greater disadvantage during their fight, and if she really beat him. She says maybe he was really good once, or maybe he was hyped up by others. He considers this for a second and then his comeback is, “I know I am but what are you going to do when you get raped?” No, but for real, he says that these men have never been with a noble woman, and it would be wise of her not to resist, so she won’t have her teeth knocked out. Brienne’s all, “fuck some teeth, dude” but Jaime spells it out further: they will kill her. They want Jaime, not her. She should let them have what they want. She should close her eyes and pretend they are Renly. Brienne demands to know if he would let them do what they wanted if he was a woman. Jaime: If I were a woman, I’d make them kill me. I’m not, thank the Gods.
Sweeney: Well handled, my snarky friend. Many, many feels for Brienne.
Lor: Over with the Brotherhood, Gendry is helping Thoros of Myr with his armor. Arya wonders why he is, since they have taken her for a prisoner. Thoros assures her she isn’t a prisoner, but doesn’t exactly cotton on to the idea of her leaving. The woods aren’t safe for her, he claims. Arya hears The Hound as a group of men are leading him, still bound, into a cart. Arya asks The Hound if he remembers the last time he was at this inn, but he says it just looks like a shitty inn. I thought it just looked like a shitty inn, too, but after a second look (okay, like after 7 looks) my guess is that this is where The Hound killed the baker’s boy after Nymeria chowed down on Joffrey’s arm.
Sweeney: I just sort of went straight to assuming, taking Arya’s accusatory tone as sufficient confirmation, because all those extra looks take work.
Lor: They do indeed. It’s a good thing we take turns on these.
I really forgot that Arya has so much reason to hate The Hound. She sees his face behind the loss of her friend, of her direwolf and of Sansa’s direwolf. I forgot about all this while he was being frenemies with Sansa. I don’t know what to think of you, Hound.
The Brotherhood gets moving, and Hot Pie comes out to announce that he’s staying at the inn to bake bread for the innkeeper. Thoros gave him as payment for some free food he’s been given there. Hot Pie says it’s a fine arrangement for him. He gives Arya a piece of bread in the shape of a wolf. The Strings of Sorrowful So-Longs start up as Hot Pie tells Gendry not to get stabbed and he gamely replies with a “don’t burn your fingers.” Arya says goodbye and walks away. As she rides away with Thoros, Hot Pie starts back inside the inn, but she calls out to him again. With a mouth full, she tells him that her bread-wolf is really good. Here, Arya lost her friend the baker’s boy, and here she leaves a boy baker. DEEP, I KNOW.
Sweeney: Team Feels is easily won over by crying while making speeches. We’re suckers for crying in general. We also love speeches, in general. So, you know, inevitable.
Lor: A tearful speech is basically our kryptonite.
Elsewhere, Lady Talisa is scaring the random Lannister Children who have been captured. Martin Lannister asks if it’s true that Robb is a DIREBOSS, and Talisa is all, “YEP.”
Sweeney: This was a cute humanizing little moment for a character whose very existence still annoys me. GO AWAY, YOU’RE GOING TO GET HIM KILLED I KNOW IT. Or, rather, he’s getting himself killed by marrying you. Whatever. I don’t care whose fault it is, I just want no additional Stark head removals!
Lor: Agreed! And that is why I really couldn’t say more about this otherwise cute scene.
North of the Wall, the Wildlings’ snow covered furs and leathers kind of look like Christmas trees for a second. Probably just me, though. They are walking among a decapitated horse crop circle, but except with less crops and more dead horses and snow. Apparently, the White Walkers like to fill their un-dead hours with art. Plus, HBO was like, damn, when was the last time we featured a dead horse? Too long that’s when.
Jon Snow, my pretty, pretty Christmas tree, notes that there aren’t any men here, and he thought the Wildling Warg saw dead Night’s Watch men. Mance Ryder is all, “you know what that means! A bunch of crows now find themselves blue eyed, undead and suddenly wanting to create art out of animal parts.” Jon is appropriately horrified. Mance says that crows could have survived, but either way Lord Commander Mormont took a big gamble, and lost. He orders Tormund to take a group of 20 men, including Jon, and to climb The Wall at his signal, which will be a really big fire.
The still alive-not-White-Walker Night’s Watchmen arrive at Papa Incest’s house looking pretty beat up. LCM and Papa Incest have a little stare-off, but he eventually lets them in. The men all sit around and we hear a woman screaming in labor pains. Papa Incest again makes a big deal about the men not looking at his Incest Children and claims his pigs have more value that his women. He also makes a joke about Samwell’s weight because somewhere in the HBO writer’s room, they were thinking, man, when was the last time we made fun of Sam’s weight? Too long, that’s when. Sam runs off and ends up taking a little peak inside the tent where, oh hey!, it’s Gilly giving birth!
Theon Greyjoy is being untied by Iwan Rheon. I didn’t even notice it was him last episode, so I feel you’ve been denied my proper flail by this casting. I will do so before he turns out to be an incest lover or a lying bastard or a horse decapitator and I no longer get to love him.
Theon is having trouble walking, but he muscles it out. Iwan provides him with a horse and instructions to ride east to where his sister will send help.
Dragonstone. Creepy Red Lady is getting ready to sail off, but she’s not sure where to, exactly, because that’s the way Creepy Red Ladies operate. Stannis Baratheon thinks he’s being abandoned, but she insists that everything will be clear when she returns. Stannis says he wants Joffrey and Robb dead and he wants to make more Dementor babies with her. For some reason, CRL thinks Stannis is too weak for her to have shadow assassins climb out of her vagina. I’m not following this logic, exactly, but again- Creepy Red Lady. Stannis says he wants her and her reply is, “your fires burn low.” OUCH. I mean, again, not entirely following but this whole scene has a very, “I love you!” “…thank you.” vibe to it.
Sweeney: Not only, “I love you!” “…thank you.” but with an added dash of, “Because you’re impotent right now.”
Lor: And with that, she’s off to collect some Baratheon blood from somewhere because the lord of light demands it. I think for a second who the remaining Baratheons are, and I have a fit because she better not come near my Gendry. Arya will fuck her shit up.
Daenerys is walking along what Jorah names The Walk of Punishment.
It’s a row of beaten and sort-of crucified slaves. Dany stops in front of one to offer him a drink and he whispers something to her. I think he said, “bitch, I’m crucified and beat bloody. A DRINK OF WATER? REALLY? I’M GONNA DIE.” Maybe, who knows. Ser Barristan begs her to leave this place and Ser Jorah thinks they need to stay and buy their slave army. He tells Dany that she is going to have to get her hands dirty if she wants the Throne of Discomfort. She doesn’t mind enemy blood messing up her mani, but it’s the blood of innocents that really just leaves the stains. Jorah points out that innocents always die in war. Men are beasts, and even more so during war with swords in their hands. His point is that the Unsullied are not men, and will not rape women, or kill innocents. They will only kill who Dany commands them to kill. Points for Ser Jorah because he is owning this slave labor sales pitch.
Apparently Daenerys thinks so too because we next see her before the disgusting Foreign Army Seller. She tells him, and the Pretty Translator that she wants to buy all 8,000 Unsullied, plus all the boys in training. The FSA goes on and on about how she cannot afford them, but gives her 100 for her ship, 20 for her gold and 3 for all her Dothraki. He wants to know how she will pay for the remaining soldiers. She offers him one of her dragons. Jorah and Barristan step forward all SKKKRT? WHAT? GIRL, YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME SCREAMING ABOUT YOUR DRAGONS LAST SEASON. DO NOT EVEN. Dany gives Jorah an amazing, “bitch, please” look though and proceeds with her trade. She gives the FSA her biggest dragon and is all, “hey, throw in the Pretty Translator as gift wrap.” It’s settled then.
As they walk out, Dany HBIC’s that she appreciates the advice of both Jorah and Barristan but they will be out of jobs if they ever question her in public again. They kind of stand by in shocked silence.
And at that we transition to Littlefinger’s whorehouse, where Tyrion is collecting the royal ledgers. Ros is fetching them and Podrick is distracted by her cleavage, and it is taking up the entire frame. Littlefinger banters with Tyrion a bit, and tells him to remember they are just numbers on a page. In return, Tyrion wishes him luck at the Eyrie.
Outside, there are a lot of passing boobs as Bronn, Tyrion and Pod walk through the whorehouse with the ledgers. We had zero boobs last episode and like wall-to-wall boobs in this one. It’s all about balance. Tyrion brings Pod into a room and introduces him to three prostitutes who will serve as his repayment for having served Tyrion faithfully and saved his life.
Later, Tyrion is going through the ledger and finds that all these years, Littlefinger has been borrowing money from Tywin Lannister to pay for the crown. Bronn thinks maybe he’ll forgive the debt since it is his grandson on the throne so apparently he hasn’t met Joffrey. Or Tywin. And anyways, it isn’t Tywin that Tyrion is worried about; it’s some other nefarious-sounding bank.
Sweeney: Probably run by goblins.
Lor: Hey, that bank had a dragon too.
Podrick walks in and the boys tease him for practically skipping. Pod hands Tyrion back his money because the women refused to accept it. Apparently, Podrick was so good at whatever he did, they decided not to take his money. Tyrion sits him down, pours some wine and they settle in for a serious round of bro-chat.
Theon is still riding on when an arrow sails dangerously close to him. He takes off with his horse chased by a handful of men cad in black. One man manages to unhorse him in a way that looks miserably painful. The soldiers hold him down and pull his pants down as one threatens to rape Theon. He’s begging for it to end and, mother fuck. I see what this episode did here. I SEE IT. THERE IS EQUAL THREAT OF RAPE FOR EVERYONE.
Sweeney: Maybe not equal, but well played, episode. Well played.
Lor: No, no. Not equal.
Theon is saved by a series of fast and accurate arrows that take out his assailants one by one. It’s Iwan looking pretty badass. The last living soldier calls him a little bastard (I KNEW IT) and Iwan kills him at close range. He helps Theon up and offers him a “winter is coming.” Interesting.
Sweeney: INTERESTING. I know you just said that, but it was so interesting I had to say it again.
Lor: I appreciate the backup.
Brienne is tied up as a group of her captors approach and some douche calls dibs on raping her first. Brienne tries to explain that she was ordered to deliver Jaime but this isn’t worth much. She fights, but is outnumbered and dragged away kicking and screaming and it hurts my heart. Jaime asks the Raping Douche if he knows who Brienne is, and where she comes from. He tries to convince the Raping Douche that the Lord of Tarth would pay handsomely for her if she is alive and unbesmirched. Then the Raping Douche wonders if Jaime’s father would pay for him, and he tries to smooze his way into being freed. The Raping Douche orders Jaime unchained from the tree and even offers him something to eat. It’s all show though, as the Raping Douche pins him over a table. “You’re nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain’t here.” Choice words for an episode that started with Lady Cat at her father’s funeral.
Sweeney: I was so conflicted during this scene, because first I was all, “OMG JAIME, YOU JUST DID A GOOD THING WITHOUT TRYING TO OBTAIN PERSONAL GAIN.” Snaps for character growth! And yet, Raping Douche, who I don’t actually like (implied by the nickname Raping Douche) gave this whole speech on Jaime’s sense of entitlement and I was all, “Well yeah. That’s fucking true, and he ought to hear it.”
Lor: And to help Jaime remember this lesson, the Raping Douche CUTS HIS MOTHER FUCKING HAND OFF.
OH MY GOD.
OH GOD.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
Sweeney: I DON’T KNOW, BUT THAT’S NOT HOW I EXPECTED HIM TO TEACH THAT LESSON. Couldn’t you just give him a worksheet or something?
Lor: NO. He cut his hand off. Jaime is never going to do anything nice for someone else, ever again.
The scene ends abruptly and cuts to the end credits over a punk rock version of The Bear and The Maiden Fair. I get what this was going for, but I wasn’t a fan of the choice. Feel free to disagree in the comments. I’ll be over here seeing Jaime’s chopped off hand in my dreams forever.
Next time on Game of Thrones: Watch Daenerys actually give away one of her dragons in S03 E04 – And Now His Watch is Ended.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
