Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E18 – Nudge nudge wink wink

Previously: Jonathan returned to do a spell that made everyone think he was the bomb dot com.
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Where the Wild Things Are

Kirsti: First of all, Maurice Sendak would be spinning in his grave if he knew that the title of his book had been stolen for the trainwreck that is this episode. (S: +1, especially as I just declared my love for this book on this blog.) Second of all, I HATE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH OMFG. Right. Now that we’ve got that over with, let’s get this horrific trainwreck over with, shall we?

We open in the cemetery where Buffy, in a pair of shiny snakeskin pants, is fighting a vampire. You know, just for a change. She throws him across the cemetery to Riley who starts punching while Buffy loads her crossbow. Riley holds the vamp still for Buffy to shoot, then a blue horned demon appears out of nowhere to rescue the vamp. She drops the crossbow and heads into the fray. “You get fang, I’ll get horny,” she tells Riley before double taking over her double entendre. Which sets the tone for this episode pretty well.

Lorraine:

Sweeney: YUP.

K: Two big ticks in the slay column later, there’s lots of heavy breathing and what’s meant to pass for longing looks but mostly comes across as boredom, and a mention of how they should tell Giles about vampires and demons teaming up, but then we segue cut to the Bedroom o’ Balls for some clothing removal and the credits. Thank God.

Lor: I have to point out two things that bother me: (1) – Buffy says something about vampire and demons hating each other and never working together. UM. SINCE WHEN? Angel, Spike and Dru teamed up with The Judge. I’m sure there are other examples. (2) – The “slaying makes me horny” thing, though consistent, creeps me out. Especially considering how badly sex turns out for B.

K: 1. Agreed.

Sweeney: I’M REALLY SORRY, BUT EXCUSE ME WHILE I JUMP IN WITH THE LONGEST IN-POST COMMENT IN SS HISTORY. I disagree in a way that is meant as much as a question as an observation: this seems to be an effort to tie in some things that we’ve seen on Angel. I don’t think I gave this moment a second thought as a first time viewer, but I was intrigued by it (even before I saw you make this comment) on re-watch, because we do have examples of this on AtS (Nazi Demons).

I think you’re right in that we’ve seen limited evidence of this on BtVS but we have seen snippets on AtS. Regardless, the lines get a little hazy and even if this were just the interjection of a new piece of mythology to the BtVS mythology, I don’t think it outright disagrees with anything we’ve seen on BtVS up to this point, as much as I want to hate on this episode/season. Even the example of The Judge is a dubious counter-point in that (1) B is saying that demons hate vamps, rather than the other way around; the vamps reached out to The Judge, not the other way around, and The Judge made it a point to insult the very vamps who brought him back (Spike and Dru, for their “humanity”) and generally gave no fucks about their agenda except in whatever capacity they were useful to his own. Right, so, this has largely been statement when I promised question: I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, so I put this forth for a general agree/disagree/explain from our Buffy diehards.

Lor: You’ve got a really good point about bringing in what has been fleshed out a little more on AtS, but they do it in such a throwaway line, in such a throwaway fashion. The point that raises a red flag for Buffy isn’t really the hating each other aspect, but the working together aspect. It read and was delivered in a very, “THAT NEVER HAPPENS!” fashion. A demon and a vamp working together??? Even in that Nazi Demon episode on AtS, the Nazi demons brought Angel in to work for them. I mean, sure, they also planned to kill him but we aren’t talking motivations here. They are evil, after all, so we don’t ever see many happy, fuzzy feelings from them towards anything, but we have seen them teaming up for their own gains. The entire “this never happens” deal feels cheap at this point in the series to me, but I agree that I would love to hear everyone else’s take on it.

K: 2. I find this interesting, because it was never a thing until Faith pointed out that it was a thing FOR HER. And then all of a sudden, Buffy was like “YES. THAT IS A THING THAT HAPPENS.” But yeah. It’s kinda creepy.

Sweeney: GUYS, STOP GIVING ME REASONS TO DEFEND THIS EPISODE/SEASON BECAUSE THIS HURTS: B’s response struck me as an ambiguous NON-response, which is to say that it could have been as much about her discomfort with the question as potential disagreement. But yeah, mostly creepy. We’re all on that page. Who here has a job that turns them on ? Unless you are, in some capacity, a sex worker: Ew.

K: After the credits, we scroll through the silent frat house thing where Riley lives as spooky, Hush-esque music plays. We pan up the stairs and into the Bedroom o’ Balls. Riley stares at a sleeping Buffy in the dark, then gets up and heads out to the hallway and hears a noise. The spooky music goes into overdrive as he walks into the bathroom. Which is also bigger on the inside, and not like any college dorm bathroom I’VE ever seen. The spooky music crescendos as he pulls back the shower curtain around the bath to reveal…a dripping tap. Lame.

The next day, we’re at Xander’s job of the week – driving an ice cream truck. Obviously, this reminds me of the fact that Rupert Grint used a chunk of his Harry Potter money to buy an ice cream truck, from which he gives out free ice creams because he’s the actual best. (L: …obviously?) (K: Shut up, I have an irrational affection for Rupert Grint.)

Inside the truck, Xander’s trying to persuade Anya to go to a party at Riley’s. She’s all “Ex-demon + Initiative soldiers = NOPE.” Somehow, this segues into “You don’t find me attractive any more” and “Why didn’t we have sex last night?” and “Are we breaking up?” and “Do you have erectile dysfunction?” Xander’s all “YOU WANT SEX? LET’S DO IT RIGHT HERE,” which is of course his cue to notice that there’s a line of small children waiting for ice cream.

Lor: I also tend to like Anya less when she’s this poster child for, “GIRLS ARE SILLY AND EMOTIONAL AND IRRATIONAL, LOL.”

Sweeney: THIS. I love Anya, with relatively few reservations, but this is a huge one. I appreciate when they give her general awkwardness because she’s spent a thousand years giving no fucks about how those around her feel except to give them pain. Human/non-evil emotions wig her the fuck out. It gives her room to have a lot of brilliant lines that every socially awkward introvert can love/appreciate. Unfortunately, they occasionally decide to go this route with her, and this frustrates me.

K: Cut to Contrivance U, where Buffy and Riley are filling Giles in. Willow and Tara ask why demons and vampires would be teaming up. Buffy suggests Adam, on account of how he’s made of a bunch of demons, so it’s like he’s designed to bring them together. Sort of like the unfortunate baby of Jesus and Frankenstein’s Monster, but with more killing. Willow calls him the demon version of Martin Luther King. Giles looks judgey.

There’s a pointless zoom in to Buffy and Riley’s hands, which are gropey, as Giles tells them to be extra alert while patrolling in the next few days. Riley mentions the party, and Giles gets judgey again. Riley invites him, and Giles says “As much as I long for a good…kegger, I have other plans,” which is perfection because his face is all “Ugh, I can’t believe I just used the word ‘kegger’…” There’s some more zoomy hand groping shots, and Riley’s all “Soooooo. 20 minutes before you have class, Buff…” They run off, and Giles’ reaction is pretty much the same as mine.

Lor:

K: Cut to the frat house that night. Forrest and Graham come downstairs complaining about the cold. They reach Riley’s door and hear the sexytimes sound effects and are all “Ugh, AGAIN???” We (sadly) zoom through the door into the Bedroom o’ Balls and watch as Riley “produces a foil packet” from a drawer full of them. (L: The same guy who gave us the beer PSA wrote this episode too, right? Seems right.) We then head downstairs to watch the frat boys building a fire which is doing a world of nothing to warm up the house.

Back to the sexytimes, which is alternating between REALLY CLOSE SHOTS that make me uncomfortable and shots from above which still make me uncomfortable. As things…reach a conclusion upstairs, the fire downstairs erupts out of the fireplace and sets a random soldier guy on fire. Forrest rushes to the rescue with a Contrivance U banner thing.

Lor: The Biley sex scenes are still terrible, FYI. We’ve so far reserved our “unsexiest” tag for Fifty Shades posts, but I’ve seen enough awkward grappling to feel justified in (forgive the word choice) whipping it out.

K: Given the choice between that and creating a tag called “fiery orgasms,” I think you made the right choice, Lor.

Cut to Anya heading for the Bronze. She rounds a corner and Spike jumps out at her, making her scream. “Spike, what are you doing? You made me yell really high…” she complains, and I have to say I am NOT loving Anya so far this episode. Spike’s thrilled that he managed to scare her, and then demands money because apparently now he’s a mugger. “I like my money the way it is – when it’s mine,” Anya replies. I like my money that way too, Anya. Anyway, apparently scaring people into giving up their money keeps Spike fed and watered. Anya makes fun of him for having no friends, and he basically says “Uh, pot, meet kettle,” and she sulks.

With that, we cut back to the frat house, where the party is getting started. Buffy is standing with the Scoobies, while Riley is on the other side of the room with the soldier boys. They’re making googly eyes at each other, which reminds me of precisely one thing:

That movie is like one big round of Spot the BtVS Alumni.

Xander’s filling the girls in on the whole nearly-had-sex-in-front-of-children thing, and says that it’s just part of life with Anya. Then he wonders if he’s the crazy one in the relationship, and Buffy – paying zero attention – says “Uh huh. Absolutely.” Nice try, Buff. Willow takes advantage of the situation to claim that she’s spilled things on Buffy’s clothes and does Buffy still love her. She then grins until Buffy’s all “Wait, WHAT?”

Back at the Bronze, Anya and Spike are moping together on Team I Wish I Had My Evil Powers Back. They bond over how they should have “stopped and smelled the corpses” and I’m going to go with EW because I can’t imagine corpses smell good.

Lor: I like those two together. Really, Spike with anyone, let’s be honest. This man can make anything seem like flirtation.

K: Yup. Cut to the frat party, some snooty douchebag is informing a bored looking girl about the “sensuality of language” and how French feels so much better in your mouth. Uh huh. Sure. He then puts his hand against a nearby wall and basically has an insta-gasm. Awkward. He stares at the wall in surprise while the girl with him looks like she wants to run away.

Sweeney: I watched this from a freshman dorm in DC, while on my graduation vacation and I laughed at the douche factor because it was so familiar. In related news, we were trying to explain the “categories” card in King’s Cup and I threw out “European Capitals” as an example, it had to be clarified that this was a very “DC-rule” example, because I went to college with pretentious assholes like myself who would suggest such a ridiculous topic as part of a drinking game. tl;dr — college is filled with douches-a-plenty. My apologies to the rising high school seniors in our audience.

K: I…have no idea what any of that meant. But I will agree that university is full of pretentious douchebags. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m one of them where undergrads are concerned because GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY IF YOU PUSH EVERY BUTTON ON THE LIFT AND THINK IT’S FUNNY. Ahem.

Downstairs, Xander is talking to a girl with red curly hair. There’s some flirting and I DO NOT APPROVE BECAUSE ANYA. Buffy approaches the soldier boys and says that she needs Riley to look at an essay for class. Forrest and Graham are not fooled by the worst euphemism everI also feel the need to mention that Forrest is wearing an orange skivvy (America: read “turtle neck”) and therefore looks like the Wiggle that got away.

Lor: A+

 

Sweeney: I second the A+ for Kirsti and also give one to Graham whose knowing “Those kids!” laugh was precious and also the only decent thing to emerge from all the Biley sex in this episode.

K: Truth. Upstairs again, Snooty Douchebag tells a passing friend to put his hand on the wall. He reluctantly does, and a whole group of people laugh as he says “Oh God” a lot while gesturing at his groin. On the stairs, Tara and Willow are talking about how Willow hates horses. Tara says that Willow should go riding with her sometime (nudge nudge wink wink), but when Willow puts her hand on Tara’s knee, she freaks out and says “Don’t touch me! That’s…just disgusting.” Willow looks hurt. Understandably. Tara runs off to the bathroom.

Lor: Excellent that in the party where everyone is getting supernaturally horny, the lesbians get to talk about… riding horses.

Sweeney: OBNOXIOUS.

K: Meanwhile, Anya’s decided to show up at the party with Spike. He recognises a couple of people and Anya’s all “Oh yeah, they’re the super secret soldiers.” Spike is all “DUDE, WTF” but is interrupted by Xander who makes much the same comment because Anya is with Spike. He gets all possessive, and UGH. Is it Wednesday around here?

Spike pokes fun, and Xander starts announcing that Hostile 17 is present. Spike runs off in search of booze, and Anya’s pissed at Douchey Xander. Again, UNDERSTANDABLY. (S: Not sure I’m entirely with you on that…) She tells Xander that she gets to decide when their relationship is over and it’s right now. They both refuse to leave the party and head off in opposite directions.

Xander stumbles across a group of people playing Spin the Bottle, and it includes the curly haired ginger from earlier. Curly Ginger gives him a “you should join us” face, and he does. He spins the bottle, and gets the Curly Ginger. He gets nervous and kisses her cheek. She grabs him, straddles him and starts sucking his face off. She snaps back to reality, apologises, and runs off. He follows her past the Orgasm Wall (people are still getting their rocks off in front of a crowd) and finds her in a cupboard. She’s cutting off all her hair with a straight razor while sobbing “I’m bad” over and over again. O…kay.

Upstairs, Willow heads into the bathroom looking for Tara. The spooky music starts up again as Willow splashes water on her face, then she hears a noise from the bath. She pulls back the curtain to reveal a boy with his arms crossed over his chest being held under the water. She reaches for him and he disappears. She turns and the boy is behind her, looking all dead and evil and shit. She screams. In the Bedroom o’ Balls, Buffy and Riley stop face nomming for a second because apparently they can recognise Willow’s scream, but then get right back to having sex because UGH.

Xander heads back to the Spin the Bottle party to ask if anyone’s friends with Curly Ginger, but they’re all too busy sucking face to answer. Willow, meanwhile, runs through the crowd looking for Tara. Instead, she finds Xander and tells him about the ghost boy. “A ghost? What’s the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties, cause it’s not the snacks…” he replies.

Lor: It’s like the writers are dangling the contrivance right in front of our faces and laughing. -_-

K: Exactly. Tara comes up to Willow and says that the house gives her the wiggins and that they should leave. With that, the Spin the Bottle bottle starts spinning faster and faster and then explodes, showering all the players with glass. The Scoobies run to get Buffy. But when they bang on the door, thorn covered vines appear and block off the door. Xander shouts Buffy’s name, and we cut into the Bedroom o’ Balls to a shot of the bed from above. As we hear Xander yelling faintly in the background, the camera pans back to show the bed is surrounded by blackness. Clearly, Buffy’s Magic Vagina is up to no good.

After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back to the black screen of death with a postage stamp sized bed in the middle of it. “Do you want to go back?” Riley asks. “Never,” Buffy replies. Outside, the Scoobies yell some more and the vines grow. Tara hears a noise and turns to look over the landing to downstairs. The chandelier (a common feature in a frat house?) jingles as the house shakes and everyone falls to the ground. Except Spike, who’s hunkered down by the keg in an old wooden chair. “Well, this party’s starting to liven up after all!” he says with a grin. But not so much, because leather straps appear out of the chair and bind his wrists, feet, chest and mouth. JFC, it really IS Wednesday around here.

Forrest – who I really want to call the Orange Wiggle, but we’ve been using his name for ages now so I can’t – runs towards Graham, saying that they have to get everyone out. But Graham stares blankly while quoting…IDK, something Biblical? Forrest makes like a honey badger, and retinal scans them both into the elevator to the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility (APARF). Because obviously, a retinal scan would work perfectly while the whole building is shaking. And an elevator is just where you want to be…

Sweeney: RIGHT? THIS IS SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY EXPERIENCED ALL THE EARTHQUAKE DRILLS EVER EVER.

Lor: Hope no one at this ENTIRE PARTY saw them entering their super secret lair…

K: Truth. The shaking stops, and Anya stands alone in a corridor. A girl runs towards her screaming, then runs right through Anya because apparently GHOST.

The shaking starts up again as the Scoobies find Anya. Books fly off some nearby shelves at them, and they run for the door as Spike does some kind of Hulk muscle flex thing that rips away all the leather bindings. He runs for the door too. As he’s leaving, Xander turns back and sees Curly Ginger, whose head is now completely shaved, asking for help. He grabs her and drags her out the door.

Down in the APARF, Forrest tells a random scientist that they have a problem. Random Scientist is all “NO SHIT BRO.” Apparently the protocol under such circumstances is LOCKDOWN. We cut to the Scoobies standing outside the house. The door swings closed on its own and they all turn to stare at it. Willow says they need to go back for Buffy and Riley. Xander backs her up and wants to know who’ll go in with him. Spike says he is, and they all turn to stare at him. “I know I’m not the first choice for heroics…and Buffy’s tried to kill me more than once. And I don’t fancy a single one of you at all. But… Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Danger Mouse is on…” he says, and leaves. LOL. Good call, Spike.

Sweeney: Sort of felt like another round of the writers being all, “LOL CONTRIVANCE.”

K: Xander heads back in alone, but the Sex House is having none of it and hurls him out the door. He suggests maybe it’s time to find Giles. Tara points out that Giles won’t be home because he’s at his secret grown up thing at the coffee bar that he mentioned earlier. With that, we cut to Giles playing the guitar and singing Behind Blue Eyes. And if you don’t know that it’s a song by The Who, written by Pete Townsend, and NOT by Limp Bizkit, then I don’t think we can be friends. Cut to the Scoobies, who have the best faces ever:

Sweeney: This is much like the aforementioned moment where Faith mentions the slaying=horny thing and all the Scoobies turned to look and had glorious character-appropriate expressions that made all the Snark Ladies gifstare forever.

Lor: Or when Xander let slip that Angel was in town during Thanksgiving, and we see all the Scoobie’s faces from Buffy’s POV!

K: YES. Willow is my favourite here. That she holds that expression so unmovingly? PERFECTION.

When Giles sees the gang watching him, he gets a serious case of “Ohhhhhhhh shit” face, but keeps singing because he’s awesome. He’s also got an earring just to let us know that he’s not in Stuffy Librarian mode. The girls rapidly jump onto Team Giles is Hot, and Xander gets grossed out.

Lor: Is this ASH’s real singing? Whatever was happening, it was badly synced, and that is a shame because this episode doesn’t have much else going on for it at this point.

K: a) Yes, yes it is. b) TRUTH. This is the highlight of this episode, and the fact that it’s still the highlight when it’s badly synced shows just how awful this episode really is. Giles’ singing trails off as we cut back to the Sex House, which is now deserted and overrun with vines, but filled with creepy noises and screams. Pan into the Bedroom o’ Balls where Buffy and Riley are lying next to each other, panting. But apparently not touching = bad, because two seconds later they’re face nomming again.

Over at the Contrivance U Library, the gang are in research mode. And this happens:

Giles: When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn’t cry out or, or respond in any way?
Anya: No. They’re probably dead.
Xander: Unless they’re too busy doin’ it to answer.
Giles: Doing what?
Xander: You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you’re…kind of naive.
Giles: I didn’t think you meant… In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? …Oh, for a different phrasing.

LOL. Anyway, Willow finds out that it wasn’t always a frat house – it used to be a children’s home. With that, we cut over to Mrs. McCluskey’s the former manager’s house, which freaks me out because she has about twelve crosses on the walls. Giles asks if anything ever happened to any of the kids, and she says that she treated them like family – rewarding them for good behaviour and punishing them when they were dirty. And not the “whoops, Johnny fell down in the mud” kind of dirty. Basically, she doled out a big barrel of child abuse, and you guys, there’s an old mental asylum in my neighbourhood that’s been turned into super fancy apartments and THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY IN THE WORLD TO MAKE ME LIVE THERE. And shit like this is why. Places like that are full of bad juju, yo.

They leave in disgust, and Anya wants to know where the ghosts came from if the kids didn’t die from her abuse. Giles says that he doesn’t think there are any ghosts. Just some kind of giant sex fueled poltergeist, which is using Buffy and Riley as a battery. And which will eventually kill them. Let’s just review Buffy’s sexual history, shall we?

1. Angel. Buffy’s Magic Vagina turns him evil.
2. Parker the Douchebag. Seems nice, but turns out to be an emotional cripple who uses and discards women.
3. Riley. Everything is going well until Faith turns up, steals Buffy’s body and uses it to screw Riley. Things finally get back on track and now she’s the sex-having-battery to a giant evil poltergeist.

In short, perhaps Buffy should consider taking a vow of celibacy, because – much like birthdays – sex tends to end badly for her…

Lor: Which, going back to my earlier comment, is really fucked up considering we’ve been led to believe that Slaying ups her sex drive. AND THEN SEX RUINS HER LIFE. Worst gig ever. Also, there is no way this plot makes a lick of sense apart from the Tragic Magic Vagina explanation. I cannot believe that in a frat house there hasn’t previously been enough sexual escapades to release whateverthefuck. So it’s Buffy specifically, right? I think our choices are “Buffy” or “Damn this episode is stupid.”

K: Is both an option? Because the second one applies regardless of whether or not the first one is accurate.

Back at the Bedroom o’ Balls,  Buffy tells Riley again to “never stop touching me.” Cut to the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room where Willow, Tara and Giles are setting up to do a spell while Anya and Xander raid Buffy’s weapons trunk. The plan? The spell distracts the spirits while Xander and Anya save Buffy and Riley. The spell goes off without a hitch, and the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room is suddenly filled with creepy ghost kiddies. NYARGH.

Over at the Sex House, the front door swings open by itself. Xander and Anya head inside and the entire staircase is now covered in vines. They start hacking their way up the stairs. Dorm Room: They implore the spirits to leave their friends alone, and Willow adds “And…uh…get over it” to the end. Sex House: Xander reaches Riley’s bedroom door, but when he grabs the handle, a wind springs up. Dorm Room: The same wind springs up, and all the creepy ghost kiddies stare at the ceiling. Tara yells over the wind that they should find people, but the ghost kiddies are all “LOL, NOPE” and vanish.

Sex House: An invisible force drags Xander into the bathroom and throws Anya down the stairs. Xander ends up in the bath, underwater with the creepy ghost kiddies staring down at him. Anya pulls herself upright, fights her way up the stairs – copping a vine THROUGH the hand on the way, keeps going because she’s a BAMF, and drags Xander out of the bath before he drowns.

Lor: Sorry. I think this is less BAMF and more contrivance. Or maybe even, ‘fuck it. It’s the end of the episode.” I mean, her hand is impaled. And she pulls it out like it’s a splinter. Whatevs.

K: They head back down the hall towards the Bedroom o’ Balls, with vine hitting them in the face all the way. They use their combined strength to push the bedroom door open, and the bed spins back to its normal position.

The house returns to normal, and Buffy sits up in bed and says, “Xander, don’t you KNOCK??” Anya and Xander look at each other with exhausted expressions before walking away.

The next day, the gang are in the cafeteria. “I just had no idea. It’s so CREEPY!” Buffy says. But they’re not talking about the Sex House. They’re talking about Giles’ singing. Buffy gets all “If we hadn’t been so focused on each other, this would never have happened!” Willow says that it must have been horrible, and Buffy and Riley look at each other with a smirk before agreeing that yes, it was SUPER HORRIBLE.

Lor: I hate that Riley ends with, “at least no one was hurt!” Bitch, your Initiative Bro got roasted, Anya should have a gaping hole in her hand,  Xander is scratched up, there’s a Curly Ginger somewhere with no hair, and a bunch of spin the bottle players are probably still picking glass out of their hair, if not having it flushed out of their eyes. We have no fucking idea what the hell happened to Forrest and Graham who never showed up again. And over at Snark HQ we each had to spend over an hour with this episode. WE’RE HURT, BRO.

K: And with that, we fade to black and this horrifically awful episode is over forever.

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz(!!!) comes back to Sunnydale and shit gets complicated. Find out all the gossip in S04 E19 – New Moon Rising.