Previously: EL James decided the only way to make her book even worse was to introduce stupid flashbacks. Also, Ana and Grey are on their honeymoon and she decided to sunbathe topless.
—
Lorraine: Ana knows she’s in deep trouble because she’s topless on a European beach. Grey picks up her bikini top, throws it at her and hisses for her to get dressed. Ana tries to tell him that no one is looking, on account of this being A EUROPEAN BEACH but she’s Ana Freakin’ Steele so of course people are looking at her magical boobs. I’m sure a rainbow can be found between them and there is a unicorn that rides back and forth in merry bliss. Ooooor, Grey is a possessive asshole and no one else in the world gives any shits about Ana’s boobs. Either or.
Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.
Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.
Grey points out that Taylor and his security crew are definitely looking and are probably enjoying the unicorn show. Ana freaks and wonders why she keeps forgetting about them, and it’s probably because they are people that aren’t Christian Grey. Those are the people she tends to forget. Grey keeps up with his menacing animal noises and now snarls at Ana that there could be paparazzi on hand, and she could end up all over the cover of a tabloid. Ana “scrambles” into her top and recalls being “besieged” by paparazzi outside of her job when the engagement was announced.
I don’t know, you guys. It’s hard for me to even imagine for a second that fictional people would have any interest in fictional Ana Steele. But if I exert myself and accept this, I can see why Ana wouldn’t want to end up with topless pictures floating around the web. That’s fair. But. If that’s what Grey was worried about, he should’ve said, “hey. Don’t take your top off because paparazzi.” But this tremendodouche isn’t really interested in all that. He only cares that Ana would end up topless on a tabloid because she’s his. And other people would see her.
Sweeney: His being a possessive asshole is absolutely the a most annoying thing here, but the fact that he’s making this paparazzi comment — which would be about her comfort with her body — as a mask for his actual issue — his own comfort with her body — is a close second on the List of Reasons Christian Grey Is Awful Right Now. A new list is populated with each moment.
Lor: Yeah, well that list is about to refresh:
Ana and Grey get ready to leave the beach. Ana notes that every other woman on the beach is topless.
“I thought Christian would see the funny side… sort of… maybe if I’d stayed on my front, but his sense of humor has evaporated.”
1.) I’m so glad these two idiots are married because they know absolutely ZERO about each other. Ask any person who has read at least one chapter of this rubbish if Grey would find Ana topless in public funny. Ask them.
2.) His sense of humor doesn’t really exist. I mean, there was that one time he “joked” about putting you in the cargo hold of an airplane?
Sweeney: Or all the other times he was an murderapist who also joked about rape and abuse! ‘Cause he’s totes hilarious that way.
Lor: 3.) Even if Grey did have a sense of humor, I’m not really seeing the joke here. I mean, there is that overwhelming feeling that seems to bubble up whenever I read this that the joke is on me, but that’s all I got.
Ana begs him not to be mad, but he says it’s too late for that. Grey signals for Taylor the Red Ranger and two French guys on his security team named Phillipe and Gaston. Guys, we’ve made two Beauty and the Beast references in the past three days, so maybe I’m hyper-aware, but…
Sweeney: AWESOME. She stole from everything ever. “Well, we’re in France now. I don’t really know shit that’s set in France except for Beauty & the Beast.” Just awesome.
Lor: Ana goes on and on for a bit about how Taylor seems to be mad at her and how Christian seems to be mad at Taylor and how Christian definitely is mad at her and it’s all her fault. Grey and Ana are going to ride a jet ski back to the boat they are staying on. Ana complains about being the only one who has to wear a life vest and finally, I agree with Ana. Please, everyone, STOP TRYING TO SAVE HER LIFE.
She climbs on the back of the jet ski behind Grey and tells us he smells of “Christian and the sea.” Get it? Because he’s Christian, and they are at sea. Ana and Grey ride around on their jet ski (fully clothed, mind you) and they have so much fun, Ana thinks she is forgiven.
After a line break, we are on the deck of the yacht and Grey asks Ana if she would like a drink.
“Do I need one?”
He cocks his head to one side. “Why would you say that?” His voice is soft.
“You know why.”
Yeah! You know your abuse is totally easier to take when I’m drunk.
“You think I’m going to punish you?” Christian’s voice is silky.
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I’ll think of something. Maybe when you’ve had your drink.”
James follows this up by telling us that it’s a sensual threat. In case you were sitting there thinking, “well this is uncomfortable,” she jumps in with her cheating narration and is all, “BUT IT’S SENSUAL.”
Sweeney: As a general rule for when you put this book down and try to go have sex with actual humans, if your partner doesn’t find something “sensual,” then your insistence that it is will not change that. Just, you know, clarification in case any actual readers/enjoyers of this book find their way here.
Lor: You’re welcome! Snark Lady advice is gold.
Grey asks if she wants to be punished and she says that depends on whether or not he wants to hurt her. Grey says that of course he doesn’t want to hurt her, because she’s his wife and not his sub, which insinuates two things: (1) wives cannot be subs and (2) Grey did want to hurt Ana right up until the point he put a ring on it. Grey asks Ana not to take her clothes off in public and to think how she’d feel if her parents saw her topless on a tabloid.
Sweeney: Which, AGAIN, rain drops of shit: this is bullshit because it’s not about what Ana or her parents want and it’s annoying that Ana is so stupid that she accepts/believes that it is. If that were the case, they could have a calm and rational discussion about it and Ana would, in theory, be enough of a fucking grown up to weigh the pros and cons of avoiding tan lines v. boobies in Star magazine. But, of course, Ana isn’t a fucking grown up and Grey will never be held accountable for being an asshole. So.
Lor: On we go: They grab their drinks and call each other Mr. and Mrs. Grey which makes me want one or four drinks of my own. Ana asks Grey who owns the boat they are on and Grey answers, “Sir Somebody-or-Other,” whose great-grandfather started a grocery store and whose daughter married a crown prince of Europe. Ana: “Super-rich?” NO, ANA. HE’S SIR MIDDLE CLASS. THE GIGANTIC YACHT IS A RUSE.
Grey confirms to his super-smart wife that yes, the man is indeed rich, just like she now is. Ana is overwhelmed by going from living rent free in an apartment with her best friend being poor to suddenly having everything. Grey takes a call, which means it’s time to time travel! Ana remembers a Grey family breakfast in which Mia reads out a gossipy news item written soon after Grey proposed to Ana. The article wonders who the lucky lady is and jokes that whoever she is, she must be reading one hell of a prenup. It gets super awkward in the room as Grey starts yelling at everyone that there will be no prenup. Carrick tries to speak up in favor of one, and Ana agrees to sign anything. Her reasoning is that she already signed one document for Grey. I think she’s missing the part where the prenup will be a legally enforceable document. Idiot.
Anyways, Grace ends the conversation, but Ana feels awkward. Grey comforts her, and says that if she ever leaves him again, she might as well take everything. Ana’s all, “no, see. The first time I left you, that was different, probably because you’d just finished beating the crap out of me. BUT HOW ABOUT IF YOU LEAVE?” Ana thinks she may do something so stupid, he may want to leave her. Grey assures her that they are both so equally stupid they are meant to be 2ge+her 4eva.
Sweeney: Good work, Lor.
Also, I’m glad we’re throwing out vindictive comments like, “You left me once!” in the middle of wedding planning chats, because that’s usually a sign of a long and healthy union.
Lor: We come back to the present on the Middle Class Yacht, where Ana says that a prenup was never mentioned again, and in fact, she went on a shopping spree before the honeymoon. Done with his call, Grey urges Ana to finish drinking, as they are going to bed. Ana gulps down her drink, and Grey is impressed.
“His mouth drops open, and I glimpse the tip of his tongue between his teeth.“
What do you mean, “glimpse?” He opened his mouth, right? So… you saw his tongue BECAUSE HIS MOUTH WAS HANGING OPEN, RIGHT? Soon after trying trying to do this with my face, I made you a picture of Grey with his tongue peaking out between his teeth with his mouth hanging open. I alternatively call this, “Why Sweeney Handles All The Website Stuff.” Or “Lorraine’s Mad Paint Skillz.” Or “PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME KEEP READING.”
Sweeney: It’s beautiful, Lor. But by “beautiful” I mean that it will haunt my dreams tonight — which makes it a fair representation of Christian Grey.
I’m also amused by Grey’s surprise at her one-gulp drinking skillz. This is book three! No amateur hour here; only champion drinkers could make it this far, a rule that has to include even the awful alcoholism-inducing characters.
Lor: They are the drunkest ones here.
“I’m going to make an example out of you. Come. Don’t pee,” he whispers in my ear.”
WHAT THE HELL? Like, was Ana gonna pee right there and he told her not to? Was Ana doing a little pee-pee dance and he was all, “no, not yet?” Is this like a “don’t pee yourself in excitement?” IS HE GOING TO TORTURE HER BY NOT LETTING HER PEE FOR FOREVER?
Ana’s subconscious gasps and looks up from her book. Apparently, Ana’s subconscious is reading The Complete works of Charles Dickens, Vol 1, inside of Ana’s head. Bitch better stop and concentrate on not peeing!
Sweeney: It has been a while since Ana named the titles of books, so we needed this reminder, just in case we had started to assume that she was a complete and utter moron. Oh, wait.
Lor: Grey says the pee thing is not what Ana thinks and that she should just trust him.
Remember how we all laughed and laughed in the comments when we read that EL James said on her website that she loves to describe settings? Well, she goes on and on about the Middle Class Yacht and I don’t care. Then, Grey undresses and he’s all hers, and he’s beautiful, etc. Also, this is the second time the phrase “caught the sun” is used. I’ve never heard that for sun-tanned. Anyone?
Grey brings out handcuffs and says that they will need a safe word, even though I’m pretty sure he made a big damn deal last book about not needing a safe word because they were in love. Something like that. But anyways, they need one now, because this is going to be a super intense experience, and “stop won’t be enough because you will probably say that, but you won’t mean it.” Ana’s Inner Goddess likes the sound of that and wears sequins and gets ready to dance the rumba. Ana picks “popsicle” as the safe word. The good news is that “Popsicle” actually leads a lot of people to this blog. Hello web wanderers! Please do not read this book!
Sweeney: I was reading and I had an “Ooohh” moment, immediately followed by shaking my head in disgust at all of these people. We actually blogged about the randomness of all the “fifty shades popsicle” searchers (though we had a different theory at the time). Yet another Fifty Shades-related thing now makes a little more sense to me and I already wish I could unknow it.
Lor: As Grey undresses Ana he “jokes” that tomorrow he will staple her bikini top to her body.
Grey calls Ana very disobedient and then braids her hair.
Sweeney: Being that I have a stupid amount of hair, I have actually once had a guy suggest braiding it just to get it the fuck out of the way, but in a casual offhanded manner. I’m probably going to have to shave my head because if a guy ever says that to me again, I will have no choice but to leave immediately because of all the trauma of all the sex scenes that senselessly begin with the Christian Grey On-The-Go Hair Braiding Salon.
Lor: This is my favorite thing ever. I mean, I guess I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but also: LOL.
Grey ties Ana up so that she is hugging her knees, and her wrists are cuffed to her ankles. He pushes her back down on the bed and they have sex. She cries “argh!” at some point too, probably ’cause they are on a boat! At sea! (S: Score for Ana for finally understanding when it’s appropriate to be a pirate! Or, rather, accidentally getting it right. Whatever.) Also, we get a little remix here, are you ready??? Now, Christian tastes like Christian and smells of the sea. DO YOU GET IT YET?
He slams into Ana so hard that she screams and asks him to stop (no safe word though!) all while he asks in between monster thrusts why Ana defies him. She finally answers that she does because she can and because she loves him. They keep having sex and it is super intense and then she has the most violent orgasm of all time.
“I detonate around him, again and again, round and round, screaming loudly as my orgasm rips me apart, scorching through me like a wildfire consuming everything.”
Man. If only that weren’t imagery.
Sweeney: Right? That’s a totally awesome way to kill her off. Probably too awesome. Her death is more like, “She tripped on her own feet and hit her head on a wall, giving herself a concussion. In the hospital, someone needed an extra outlet so they unplugged her machines. And then she died.”
Lor: I hope they needed that extra outlet for something like charging their cell phone.
Grey explodegasms too, and then is all, “OMG I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU MAKE ME MAD.” Ana is so tired, but she really enjoyed her punishment sex and thinks she must misbehave more often.
Ana wakes up some time later. Grey is awake and working next to her. Also, he smells like body wash and Christian. I’M NOT KIDDING. She mentions his Christian smell again. Ana realizes she still has to pee, and I’m not sure why she couldn’t pee before? Like, she never mentioned it again, but suddenly now she’s waking up because she still has to pee? I hate this book for making me think about Ana pee.
She heads off to the bathroom, gets a look at herself in the mirror and exclaims, “Holy fuck! What has he done to me?”
That question, Ana, is about 3 books too late.
Murmur Count – 9
Whisper Count – 8
Favorite comment last post: Oh god, I’m in danger of just reproducing the entire FAQ here but: “In the case of the Fifty Shades Trilogy my premise was, What would happen if you were attracted to somebody who was into the BDSM lifestyle, when you weren’t?” LIAR. Your premise was ‘Twilight porn. – Alex
Next time: What has Grey done to Ana, besides not let her pee? Find out in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 3!
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
