Angel S02 E06 – Needs more polyjuice potion

Previously: Darla showed her hand and Angel rejected her. Also, Kate was an uberbitch and we sentenced her to be punched in her lady balls.
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Guise Will Be Guise

Kirsti: Wes, his nose in a file, wanders across the foyer of the Hyperion. Behind the desk, he goes to open a filing cabinet but finds it jammed. He yanks on it until the entire drawer comes out of the filing cabinet, scattering papers all over the room. Of course this would be the moment when a potential client walks in.

The dude says he’s looking for Angel, who Wes says is out. Wes wants to know if he can help. The guy says that it needs to be Angel, on account of his “special abilities”. But then he asks if Wes has “special abilities” too, and Wes is all “Oh, totally, on account of that one time I was a rogue demon hunter.” Then he slips on a piece of paper and lands on his arse. Oh, honey. You tried.

Lorraine: Slapstick comedy Wes is my least favorite Wes. I can be a fan of physical comedy but it really doesn’t do him any favors. Pass.

Sweeney: Agreed. It’s too much of a call back to back when he was shitty Wes and it feels so inconsistent with what a BAMF he is most of the time on this show.

K: If I remember correctly, they stop using it relatively soon. Hopefully I’m remembering correctly… Anyway, the potential client passes on Wes’s help and leaves. Cordy comes running downstairs to find Wes on the floor surrounded by paper. She says that she’s found “him” and that they need to stop him before it’s too late. Then she judges Wesley’s clothes. Poor Wes.

Lor:

K: Accurate. Seizure cut over to Wolfram & Hart. Angel and Gunn climb out of a grate and into the basement, just like the time Angel broke in and stole a spirit stick. They spot a couple of lawyer looking types in conversation and scurry past them to the lift. Just as the doors are closing, a briefcase slams in between them and the doors open again to reveal that the lawyer looking types are actually Wes and Cordy. Cordy’s all “Dude, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” and Angel says that he needs to find Darla. Cordy points out that Wolfram & Hart have vampire detectors, and Gunn says it’s fine because Angel has a plan. His plan? “I get to the offices before they stop me.” The others are NOT impressed:

Lor: Bless your heart, Gunn.

Sweeney: I DIED. A+ for you, Gunn.

K: Segue: so I found out today that J. August Richards is appearing at Oz Comic-Con in Melbourne next weekend. I will be in Canberra next weekend. This makes me very sad. But mostly because freaking CARY ELWES is also appearing. *cries forever*</segue> The purpose of that segue was to agree that yes, Gunn is the best. Plus I kind of wish I could inform J. August Richards of the Snark Squad’s existence…

ANYWAY. In the end, they spend so long fighting over the open/close buttons for the lift doors that a security guard turns up. He pulls out his stake-baton and tries to stake Angel, who grabs the stake-baton and jams it through the guy’s foot. As the gang head back towards the grate, Angel admits that maybe he has some anger issues. “Maybe?” Cordy says. Roll electric cellos.

After the credits, we’re at Lorne’s karaoke bar. Gunn’s thinks the place is weird and Wes and Cordy say that he has NO idea before explaining about Lorne’s empathy-through-karaoke powers.

Over at the bar, Angel and Lorne are having a little therapy session. At least we were spared any Angel singing? Lorne gives Angel – who’s kind of hanging on by a thread – the address of a swami friend of his who can help. We get a shot of Angel driving down the freeway alone, and then head back to Angel’s office at the Hyperion. Cordy tells Wes that she thinks the swami thing will take no time at all. Then she sits in Angel’s chair, and spins in circles before doing an impersonation of her boss: “Oh, no. I can’t do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them.  Oh, by the way, I’m thinking of snapping on Friday.” Wes fights a smile, and they’re pretty much the greatest things ever. (L: +1)

Meanwhile, Angel’s arrived at the swami’s place, which is a log cabin looking place. He knocks, and a middle aged dude in a flannel shirt who looks like he should be playing the father of a fiesty lady cop answers. He’s the swami.

Lor: This guy is a total “Hey, it’s that guy!” A quick trip to IMDB says HE IS BABE RUTH FROM THE SANDLOT. He’s got a ton of other guest starring roles. Mostly I’m glad I can safely say I didn’t just recognize him as the Tooth Fairy from The Santa Clause 2.

K: The swami says, “in or out, you’re letting in the bugs.” Angel awkwards on the doorstep.

Back at the hotel, a dude with a gun grabs Cordy by the neck and demands to see Angel. She says that he’s not there, and the guy says that she’s lying and he’ll blow her head off if she doesn’t get Angel immediately. We get a shot of Wes overhearing the argument, then a shot of someone in a long black coat walking across the foyer as Cordy pleads for her life. “I’m Angel,” Wesley says, as Cordy gives him serious “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” face in the background.

Sweeney: Oh, you know, saving your life. NBD.

K: Indeed. Back at Abraham Lincoln’s Log Cabin, the swami is grilling Angel about the fuel efficiency of his car while tying fishing lures. Angel’s all “Um, I have problems. Can we talk about them?” The swami says “That car IS your problem, pal. Says everything about you.” Angel’s all “Pff, as if”, but the swami points out that the whole vampire-driving-a-convertible-in-a-super-sunny-city thing means that he values appearances over his life, and also why the hell does he dress in all black when he lives in Los Angeles? Angel answers that wearing all black makes it easier for him to make sure his outfits match on account of he doesn’t have a reflection, and I’m pretty sure that the answer to his problems is Cher Horowitz’s wardrobe:

Lor: I’m pretty sure I instantly love Colossus of Clout Swami. He’s saying all the things we’ve said about Angel and his CONVERTIBLE in the SUN.

Sweeney: YES. I love the meta moments when characters comment on all the weird shit we point out all the time. I mean, never change, TV shows with your weird shit, because we need stuff to snark. Still, bits like this are fun.

K: Truth. Also, DAMMIT. I should have called him the State The Obvious Swami. Too late now. Back at the hotel, the thug is now pointing the gun at Wes. He stutters that it won’t kill him, on account of how he’s a vampire. The thug insists that Wes leave with him, and Wes is all “Um. No?” while making this face at Cordy:

It’s perfection.

L: YES. Good physical acting.

K: Anyway, the thug threatens Cordy again, and Wes reluctantly leaves with him after saying that he “shan’t be cooperative.” Bless…

We cut to a mansion-y looking place with a bunch of ninja-y looking guys outside. The thug heads in the front door and Wes follows him, leaping backwards when the guy says “I invite you in.” At the risk of giving you all a gif overdose:

Sweeney: No overdose here. This is all perfection. ALL NECESSARY.

K: I’m glad you agree. The thug introduces Angel!Wes to Magnus Bryce, who Angel!Wes says he recognises from the business pages.

Lor: I was about to say he was another recognizable face, but I just recognize him from one episode of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman on account of having seen it so many times on account of my deep love for 90’s Dean Cain. Awkward.

K: I don’t think I ever saw an episode of Lois & Clark. I’m not sure how, considering I watched like every trashy 90’s show EVER… Magnus tells the thug to get Angel!Wes a drink, and Angel!Wes looks decidedly ill when he’s handed a glass of blood. Magnus says he’ll be insulted if Angel!Wes doesn’t drink it, so he forces it down. “Dear God. That’s…nummy.” he croaks out, and OH MY GOD WES IS THE BEST.

Lor: He lets out a little burp and yes, I love him so much.

K: He then fights the urge to puke as Magnus informs him that the stuff that hits the business pages is all a front for the family’s real money earner – wizardry.  As Magnus continues talking, Wes sees that he’s not being watched and pours his glass of blood into a nearby vase. Which turns out to be clear, forcing him to stand in front of it awkwardly. Oh, and the job Magnus wants Angel!Wes to do? Protect his daughter.

Abraham Lincoln’s Log Cabin. The swami informs Angel that there are two Angels – the real one and the image he’s worked to create. “How many warriors slated for the coming apocalypse do you think are gonna be using that hair gel?” he asks. LOL FOREVER. I love it when they pick on Angel’s hair. He then says that Angel’s too focused on fighting himself to properly fight evil, and breaks out some quarterstaves.

Sweeney: Swami is ON A ROLL with these obvious observations missed by most other characters. You’re a champion, sir.

K: Back at the mansion, Magnus is introducing Angel!Wes to his daughter, Virginia, who’s all “Oh, my new vampire bodyguard. I bet my dad dragged you here at gunpoint, huh?” (L: Yerp.) Wes wanders around her bedroom, then catches sight of his reflection in her mirror and yelps. He demands that the mirror be covered, on account of him totally being a vampire will create an element of surprise if he ends up fighting someone in the bedroom. He then demands to speak to Virginia alone. He tells her that he doesn’t really want to be there, but that she needs to be protected, and he’s going to do his damnedest. She then suggests they go shopping, and Wes is all “Ugh, can’t it wait until morning oh no wait I’m a vampire and I’ll combust in the sunlight yes let’s go shopping right now.” LOL.

Cut to the Hyperion. Cordy’s filling Gunn in on what happened, and says that Wes pretending to be Angel is the worst idea of ever and how if she’s known he was going to do that, SHE could have pretended to be Angel on account of it’s a really girly name. Have I mentioned how much I love it when they make fun of Angel? Because I really do.

Lor: It’s good fun for all! Making fun of Angel brings us together.

K: Truth. Anyway, she tried to follow the thug and find out where he was taking Wes, but she lost them. The plan is for Gunn to go get Angel from the swami’s place, while she looks at mug shots to try and find out who the thug is. Cordy tells Gunn that the thug is bad news and that, “I hate to think where Wesley may be right now.“

With that, we head to a schmantzy store filled with historic artefact looking things – it’s a wizard supply store, apparently. Wes looks impressed while Virginia mostly looks bored. She’s trying to buy her father a 50th birthday present, and mopes about how the whole wizardry thing is just so dull and she doesn’t really care. While she peruses potential gifts, Wes leans on a helmet on the counter. “Doesn’t that hurt?” Virginia asks, and Wes realises that it has a cross on the top of it. Then something very similar to this happens:

Okay, fine. I just wanted to use a gif from She’s the Man. Shut up.

Lor: Sara will be so happy.

K: I’m glad I’m not the only one with an irrational love for that movie. Two guys appear and try to take Virginia. She calls out to Angel!Wes, and the guys are all “Wait, you’re Angel??” Wes’ reply is hilarious: “Yes – I am.  I’m…Angel, the vampire with a soul. Fighting for my redemption with…with…killing evil demons.  That’s right.  Scourge of the demon world.  Don’t worry, boys, I don’t kill humans – unless I’m angry!” The two guys are taken aback and release Virginia, saying that they were just doing what they were told.

Wes correctly assumes that their boss is a creepy Eurotrash looking dude who was at the house earlier. He tells them to back off and forget about the girl, and they look terrified and rush off. Angel!Wes turns to Virginia and says that he should probably get her home before things get any rougher. She, meanwhile, is looking like she’d like things to get rougher in an Eyebrow Innuendo fashion.

Lor: I know how you feel, girl. Wait, did I say that?

K: Back at the swami’s, he and Angel are fighting with the quarterstaves. The swami accuses Angel of holding back, and Angel says he has to because, “if I don’t, it’ll kill you.” “It?” the swami asks, before saying that the demon inside IS Angel, and that by him using so much energy on making sure it doesn’t control him, it IS controlling him.

We then cut to the swami on the phone inside Abraham Lincoln’s Log Cabin, saying that he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up the act. Eurotrash Creep is on the other end, and the swami is less swami and more Swami Murderer. Womp womp. Eurotrash Creep is VERY surprised to learn that Angel is there, given how his men were just scared away by Angel!Wes. Fade to black.

Lor: The Great Bambino Swami Murderer should quit his day job. He’s been really insightful.

Sweeney: Indeed. Swami-ing seems to suit him.

K: Right?? After the Not Commercial Break, Cordy’s still going through mug shots. She gets distracted by a trashy magazine, which conveniently has a photo of Magnus, Virginia and the thug right in the middle of it. Success!

Back at the mansion, Angel!Wes hopes that Virginia wasn’t scared by the nearly being kidnapped thing. She says that she’s mostly angry because it means her father will put even MORE protection in place. With that, they turn the corner to see guards outside her room. Except they’re not guards, they’re more would-be kidnappers. One of them starts casting some kind of flame-y spell at Wes, but he’s had enough shit for one day, and just beats the crap out of them instead. Virginia is impressed, and also a little confused about why he didn’t vamp out. Angel!Wes says that he’s not like a regular vampire.

“Not a vampire at all, really” Angel voiceovers, and we cut to him and the Swami Murderer fishing. Swami Murderer asks about Darla, and when Angel fills him in, he says that Angel wants to punish her AND thank her all at once. He then recommends a course of Sex With a Girl Who Looks Like Darla to get over her, and Angel’s all “Yeeeeeeeeah, about that…”

Back at the mansion, Angel!Wes asks Virginia if she’s okay after two close calls in one night. She says that sometimes she thinks about running away and getting a job and her own apartment, but that her father says she’d be kidnapped or killed in an instant if she did. So she makes her escape a different way – by kissing Wes. She then apologises for kissing him, because she knows about the curse and what it means. Wes’ face screams “GODDAMMIT” while he’s all “Ohhhh, right. The curse.”

Lor: Just one night as Angel and he’s already experiencing the epic cock-block of the curse.

Sweeney: Womp.

K: LOL. Cut back to the Swami Murderer, who’s all “Seriously? No sex at all?”, then back to the mansion where the kissing continues. Wes is all “Yeah we shouldn’t do this it would be bad, but let’s be honest, the curse is more like a guideline so we can totally have sex.” He tries to tell Virginia that he’s not who she thinks, but then gets swept up in the moment and the fact that Virginia’s trying to eat his face.

We get a shot of the sun coming up, and then of Gunn pulling up at Abraham Lincoln’s Log Cabin. He asks the Swami Murderer where Angel is, and gets hit over the head for his trouble. Angel appears in the doorway of the cabin, and is all “So, Swami Murderer. Where’s the swami?” Swami Murderer is all “I’m in the sunshine, you can’t get me, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah”, so obviously Angel grabs a fishing rod, hooks Swami Murderer by the lip (EW), and reels him in. Okay, show. Whatever.

Lor: Mostly: LOL FOREVER.

K: Back at the mansion, Wes is watching Virginia sleep. I think it’s meant to be sweet, but given pop culture in the past 5 years it mostly comes off as creeper-y. The next shot is of the two of them, fully dressed, sneaking Wes out of her room. He kisses her goodbye, then turns and runs straight into Cordy. She told the guards at the door that she worked for Angel and they let her right in. Hey, Magnus? I think I’ve found out how people keep getting in to attack your daughter…

Virginia appears behind them, and Cordy introduces herself. Wes tells Virginia that he left his coat, and she goes off to get it. Cordy tries to drag Wes away while there’s no one to see them go, but Magnus and two robed guards come up behind them. Virginia returns with the coat, and is all “What’s going on?” Magnus says that he got an anonymous tip that the guy protecting his daughter wasn’t Angel, and the thug drags Wes into the sunlight.

Wes: “Oh, no, no, not the sun!  For I am a vampire.  Oh, oh oh!  It burns! Oh.”

Eventually, he gives up the pretense and is all “Yeah, hi. I’m Wesley…” Virginia’s super pissed that he lied to her, and basically put her life in danger. Magnus kicks Wes and Cordy out of the house. Downstairs, the thug tells Magnus that he should have let him kill them. But Magnus says nothing can jeopardise the sacrifice. The camera pans out to show some kind of rock/throne/sculpture thing, with attacked manacles. “It’s the party of my life. Obviously, Virginia’s too”, Magnus says, and we fade to black.

Sweeney: It’s a great day for the notoriously awful parents of Traumaland! The Buffyverse heard me talking shit about its ability to parent horrifically so it was all, “Oh yeah? WATCH THIS!” I see you, awful parents of the Buffyverse. I see you.

K: Never mention the awful parenting. Whedon will ALWAYS up the ante, yo. After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back at the Hyperion. Wes is moping on the stairs, while Cordy’s all “Wow, that was super embarrassing, huh?” Angel and Gunn turn up, and Cordy’s horrified about the whole evil fake swami deal, while Angel’s mostly confused as to why Wesley’s wearing his coat.

Lor: Because, Angel, it comes with so much extra billow!

K: Do you think he has little fans installed in his pants specially to add extra billow? Wes says that Eurotrash Creep is probably responsible for the whole Swami Murderer/Magus getting tipped off situation because it would leave Virginia unprotected. “What’s going on? Were you in Virginia?” Angel asks, and Wes looks embarrassed because YUP BUT NOT THE WAY YOU THINK. Cordy explains what Wes was doing while Angel was gone, and Wes is all “Virginia’s probably in danger RIGHT NOW”, and then talks about the big party, which includes tributes to her father’s favourite deity – the goddess Yeska.

Angel’s all “Wait, what?” because apparently Yeska’s not a goddess, she’s a demon. And her tribute of choice is human sacrifices, which she eats while they’re alive. Wes joins the dots and realises that Magnus is going to sacrifice Virginia. The person offering the tribute receives great power, so Eurotrash Creep is probably just trying to stop Magnus from getting any more power.

Lor: By also killing Virginia? That’s convoluted but also, sucks to be Virginia.

Sweeney: I primarily assumed it was about keeping Virginia away from the sacrifice party. Killing would be a more, “As needed,” thing. But, you know, yeah: sucks to be Virginia.

K: True dat. The Fang Gang jump into gear, with Angel telling Wes that he’ll take the back door so that Wes can make a big heroic entrance, but could he please get his coat back? Awesome.

At the party, Virginia’s all “Wow, this rock/throne/sculpture thing is really fugly” while Magnus starts making a speech. The speech segues into the sacrifice ritual. The thug chains Virginia to the R/T/S, and she screams for help. Magnus anoints her head with some kind of water, and then the Fang Gang burst through the door with Wes leading the way. “Release her or die,” he says, and from off camera, we hear Angel say “Don’t I say that??” in confusion. Perfection.

The Fang Gang start fighting various minion types, and Wes starts to unchain Virginia while Magnus continues his ritual. Yeska – who looks like a morbidly obese vampire with a blonde afro – appears, says “The sacrifice is impure” and disappears in a sulk. Magnus is super pissed on account of Virginia was supposed to be a virgin, and Wes ruined it, and by the way, the reason he wanted to hire Angel is because he’s a eunuch. Hilarity ensues:

Sweeney: PRICELESS.

K: Cordy’s pissed that it took Wes less than 24 hours of pretending to be Angel before he got laid, while Virginia informs her father that she’s been sleeping with the help for years.

Lor: Angel is pissed it took Wes less than 24 hours too. I’m guessing.

K: Probably. When Magnus tells her not to make him angry, Virginia punches him in the face, declares that he’s not her father any more, and storms out. Well. It’s been a tough day for fathers around these parts…

Sweeney: Also: awesome! I love that even Angel’s damsels-in-distress ultimately do a little of their own saving. It’s really necessary to visit the Buffyverse the day after FSF so that we can remember all the fictional women with spines.

K: YES. Seizure cut to the Hyperion. Cordy walks into Angel’s office, holding out a magazine. It features a picture of Virginia and Wesley at a party. Cordy’s pissed because reflected fame is her thing, and Angel tells her to get a little perspective. She storms out, and Angel goes back to reading the article. “Bodyguard to the stars? Yeah right!” he mocks as we fade to black. Then we get a last minute “There’s no Wyndham-Price Agency!!” of horror before the credits roll.

I kind of loved this episode. Wes was perfect, and the whole making fun of Angel thing never gets old. Sure, we could have done without two doses of daddy issues in one day, but you can’t have everything, can you?

Lor: No, but we can have two episodes in which the core groups worked wonderfully together. That makes this Snark Lady happy.

Sweeney: Agreed.

K: Pretty much says it all.

Next time on Angel: The return of the terrible wig flashbacks fills in the blanks on Darla’s life, which leads to the return of some familiar faces. Meanwhile in the present, Darla has made a big decision. Find out what it is in S02 E07 – Darla.