Buffy the Vampire Slayer S05 E02 – Harriet the Spy

Previously: Dracula came to Sunnydale for a lighthearted season premiere. Also, Buffy has a sister. SURPRISE.
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The Real Me

Lorraine: There were split opinions on the whole randomly throwing out the fact Buffy has a sister thing. It was strange to me, but I also know that I’m not the exact audience it was written for. I only mean that I had 10 years of pop culture to tell me Dawn would show up eventually and a bit of foreshadowing last season told me she was probably Buffy’s sister. That’s a ton of build-up all leading to about 10 seconds last episode where it was all, “AND BUFFY HAS A SISTER LOLOL.”

Sweeney: When I first watched last summer I sent our group of bloggy friends a series of DAFUQ? emails. I had a vague recollection of watching a later scene with Joyce with my babysitter (and that decade of pop culture knowledge!) but even the scene I remembered wasn’t actually useful in explaining anything to me. There’s really no spoiler-free way to address your current reaction, but since it was only a year ago that I was where you are now, this is loads of fun for me. Sorry. But not really.

K: Yeah, I’m pretty much in the same place as Sweeney, but mostly because I started watching Buffy with season 6, so Dawn was just always…there. I guess my reaction was kind of the opposite – I started watching season 1 and was like “Wait, where the fuck is Dawn?”

Lor: Yeah, yeah. Enjoy the Lor knows nothing show.

We start the episode in a close up on Buffy’s serene and sweetly made-up face. Giles’s smooth, velvety voice is telling her to find her core and focus inward. As he tells her to let everything fall away, she opens her eyes and then pushes herself up into a handstand. She’s balancing herself on a narrow block of wood.

We next see some clear crystals arranged so they are leaning against each other. The soundtrack coos at us so we know this is all very mystical and impressive, especially when B lifts an arm so that she is now balancing on one hand.

K: Sup, Gymnastically Trained Stunt Double?

Lor: Stop ruining the illusion! Buffy is finding her core, okay?

She holds this position and we switch views back to the crystals. We see someone drop an additional crystal on top of the formation. They all fall with a clatter and distracted, Buffy falls with a clunk. Giles whips his glasses off in a Clark Kent-esque manner meant to convey annoyance. From Buffy’s point of view on the floor, Harriet the Spy pops into the frame and asks if it’s time to go. Buffy looks like she kind of wants to, well:

I know we can’t call her Harriet the Spy forever. I mean, we could, but we probably shouldn’t.

Sweeney: It makes me so sad that we can’t.

K: At the risk of getting kicked off the Snark Squad, I’ve never seen Harriet the Spy. Because I’m old.

Lor: The book was published in 1964 and the movie came out in 1996. Excuse denied. Go watch it.

Roll credits, where Michelle Trachtenberg has suddenly been added in. I love credits shenanigans.

Harriet the Dawn’s (I’m easing my way into this) voice over carries us into the scene: she’s sitting in bed writing in her journal.

She writes that hat no one understands her, with added exclamation points for emphasis. She says no one sees the real her, and I’d offer her a gold star, but I have so many Harriet the Spy gifs to use and so little time. Things will get too cluttered. We’ll call it an implied gold star. Good for you, girl.

The voice over continues as we head downstairs where Buffy, Joyce and Dawn the Spy are doing a little breakfast dance around each other in the kitchen. The voice over says people wouldn’t be so hot on the Slayer if they had to live with her and that doing back flips and stuff isn’t that big a deal. “If this town wasn’t so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn’t even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oooh, scary vampires — they die from a splinter.” She then steals Buffy’s bowl and takes the last bit of milk.

As a middle child (you know. Both an older and a younger sister) I think I might be a little more susceptible to Dawn’s annoying behavior. BECAUSE HELL NO. YOU DO NOT TAKE THE LAST BIT OF MILK.

Buffy announces that she’s going to the magic shop with Giles for more training supplies. Joyce says that’s great because it means she can take Dawn school supply shopping. NO MOM. STOP IT. Sorry. My middle child was showing again.

Sweeney: I had a rocky relationship with my now best friend little sister when we were younger in that I was certain she went out of her way to annoy me and drive me insane at every possible turn. The fact that Dawn is a pain in the ass is basically why I loved her initially. You know, when I wasn’t thinking, “HOW DID SHE GET HERE?”

Lor: Ditto about my own little sister and I’m 100% sure this is how my big sister felt about me. We became best friends when I entered high school.

K: Can we stop for a second to talk about Buffy’s outfit? Black skirt, which appears to have a frilly waistband, a glittery silver belt, and a backless midriff halter top that appears to be made out of sweatshirt material. Whut. Also, we have another instance of “Slayers don’t feel the cold” because Dawn and Joyce are both wearing trousers and long sleeves.

Lor: None of the Summers women look particularly stylish at the moment. Joyce is wearing an entire jungle cat for a shirt and a crappy brown vest.

Buffy and Dawn protest the shared errand. B says there aren’t any school supplies at the magic shop, and Dawn adds that she isn’t going to Hogwarts. Then she laughs a little at her own joke, and okay, fine. I forgive you for taking the last bit of milk.

Sweeney: THIS WAS THE CUTEST.

Lor: The doorbell rings and Joyce answers it. It’s Riley who compliments Joyce’s outfit. B calls him a suck up and he says, “I’m here to violate your first born never goes over with parents.” I’m not sure if I should laugh or gag. (K: Definitely gag.) They kiss and Dawn reflects the world’s EW face as she voice overs about how they are always kissing and groping. Riley greets Dawn with a “hey kid.” She pouts that she isn’t a kid as she scurries away.

Buffy says it’s a nice surprise to see him, which indicates to Riley that she forgot inviting him over to hang. He seems pretty cool about being blown off for Slayer shopping and says that they will just catch up later that night.

Cut to Giles driving a two-door red number of a car with Buffy in the passenger seat. If you pay attention as the vehicle passes in the establishing shot, you can see that Dawn is in the backseat, but it happens quickly. The next shot shows only Buffy and Giles in the front seat and he tells her that Riley certainly must understand the importance of training. Dawn reaches into the shot between them to mess with the radio. I mention all the blocking because, okay, fine, it’s kind of hilarious how they keep showing her just popping into the things. All in an episode where new viewers are still thinking, “BUT WHERE THE HECK DID SHE COME FROM?”

Giles tells her to stop fiddling with the radio and we cut back to Dawn in bed writing about how Buffy’s Watcher doesn’t like her, but only because he’s old.

Back in the car, Buffy wonders if any of the books on their long shopping list come on tape, read by George Clooney. Giles serious-es about the seriousness of their new training, but Buffy says she was just kidding. Then we get some banter about this new, automatic car of his.

K: BEST. Also, my dad hasn’t had a manual car in about 20 years, but he still spends a lot of time with one hand on the gearstick…

Lor: Giles babbles on about how he bought it at a crossroads, and Buffy jokes that he wanted to feel more shallow. He replies that maybe should respect him a little more now that he’s her watcher again. He starts to say that there isn’t time for flighty or frivolous things when Dawn cuts him off by spotting Willow and Tara walking down Sunnydale’s main drag. Giles: Ooh. They haven’t see my new car!

Buffy side eyes him appropriately.

Sweeney: This was all hilarious and adorable, but excuse me while I do our thing and vomit feels on the blog again: I couldn’t help but see this is as a reminder that Giles had been planning to go home and get his former life back, or some version of it. He gave that up because he loves Buffy too much, but he still wanted a change he didn’t get. Also, my shoddy knowledge of the future is now showing, but it seems like his foiled attempt to go be a normal guy could be a bit of what was foreshadowed in Restless, with the girlfriend crying over the crib?

Lor: Even without knowledge of the future I can say that I think that this is definitely a reflection of Giles’s dream in Restless. 

Willow compliments Giles’s car and says they were just on their way to the magic shop. Dawn greets Willow brightly and gets a, “hey Dawny” and hug in return. Cut to Dawn in bed journaling about how Willow is the best. More points for Dawn because Willow is the best. Bonus points for thinking Tara is cool too.

Sweeney: This is something that I see a bit differently now that someone in the comments has informed us that Dawn was meant to be about nine. I feel like they wrote this joke and couldn’t stand to part with it when they aged the character up. Snaps for Dawn for knowing that Willow is the best forever, though.

Lor: Back with the gang, Buffy and Willow talk about her new training schedule as they all walk to the magic shop. Willow thinks they are going to have a great semester and this is Buffy’s opening to confess that she had to drop drama class in favor of her new training. Willow is disappointed and says, “to hell with Giles!” Giles’s resulting, “I can hear you…” is just precious. I love him.

K: SO MUCH. I also agree with Willow’s statement about best friend loopholes.

Lor: While Willow tries to convince Buffy that blowing off training for drama class is no big deal, due to said loopholes, Tara notices that the magic shop is dark and apparently closed. Giles goes in to investigate and finds that the store has been roughed up a bit. Tara calls out to the owner but there is no answer. We find out why a bit later when Willow trips over the owner’s dead body.

Buffy rushes Dawn out of the store, despite her protests. B tells her to stay put and heads back inside. Dawn tries to get a look inside through the window, but is distracted by a dirty man who rambles about loitering and being a cat. He starts freaking out and Dawn tries to scream out to Buffy but he shushes her. He says he knows who she is: curds and whey. No, dude, that’s Little Miss Muffet. Dawn is Harriet the Spy. Clearly this man is ca-razy.

K: He has some kind of multiple personality thing going on. Clearly, he’s Sunnydale’s version of Ana Steele. 

Lor: Additionally, and in retrospect, this guy never shows up again. He just appeared for a few minutes with his Inner Mother Goose and that was it. I’m intrigued.

After a cut to black, we come back to Tara exiting the magic shop and calling out for Dawn. She finds her sitting on a curb just outside. The crazy man is gone. Dawn asks if the shop owner is dead and Tara confirms that he is. Tara says they are busy detecting the shit out of things inside, and non-Scoobies like Dawn and her have to stay outside and out of the way. Dawn takes a deep, “does nobody know who I am??” breath.

Tara asks if she wants to thumb wrestle and Dawn says okay. We watch them do that for a few adorable seconds.

Sweeney: Thumb wrestling is my new favorite way to deal with all the emotions I don’t actually want to deal with.

Lor: Thumb wrestling will be common on the Couch of Feels.

Inside, they’ve deduced that the shop owner was attacked by at least four vampires and that there are books missing from inventory, including one all about slayers. Giles is distracted from how bad news bears that could be by flipping through some of the shop’s financial books. Apparently the big bucks are in magic shops. Maybe we should open one of those first and then we’ll have enough to open Snark HQ next door. Also: GILES THE NEXT MAGIC SHOP OWNER? FANTASTIC.

K: You have NO idea.

Lor: Buffy needs to start looking for these vampires ASAP, but first she’s got to drop Dawn back off at home. Giles notices one other thing missing and Willow checks the inventory to find that it was a cheap plastic unicorn. Giles wonders what kind of vampire would want a cheap plastic unicorn.

Sweeney: Lor, I can’t even handle how on point your gif-game is today. Can you be my gif-watcher? Can you train me?

K: Seriously. A+ and 1430 gif selection.

Lor: OKAY. We’ll have training but it will involve finding your inner drunk and letting the shame fall away while you conduct Questionable Google Searches. I’m going to start putting this all down on paper right after this post.

Anyways, though, Harmony is another vampire who would want a unicorn, and that is who is who we Segue Magic to. She’s giving a speech thanking her minions for their successful raid on the magic shop. After some Harmony ditzing, we find out that the big plan is the kill the Slayer that very night.

K: Fun fact? One of Harmony’s minions turns up as a completely different character next season. He also turns up in Angel, The Cabin in the Woods AND Much Ado About Nothing, so we’ve got a Whedon Double Hat-trick on our hands. 

Lor: Back at the Summer’s home, Joyce isn’t doing much to gain Snark Lady favor as she’s being weirdly difficult about the whole Buffy just found a dead body thing. She’s got a gallery opening and someone needs to take care of Dawn. We hear Dawn shout from off-screen that she doesn’t need anyone to take care of her. Buffy asks if she can go patrolling if she finds an acceptable baby-sitter. Dawn yells that at 14, she’s old enough to be a baby-sitter. We’ve got loads of Childhood Trauma to back her up there. Joyce asks who they could possibly get to baby-sit on such short notice and B suggests Xander. Dawn comes running over at the mention of his name and says that’s okay with her.

We cut to the doorbell ringing and Dawn flipping her hair a little before she opens it. This moment seems perfectly 14-years-old to me. Xander comes bearing pizza and Dawn’s voice over tells us about how cute Xander is, and how smart on account of skipping college and working construction. And brave, like when he went undercover to face Dracula. Dawn says Xander doesn’t look down on anyone, even when he should. Cue Anya’s over enthusiastic entrance. She comes bearing board games.

Sweeney: LOL FOREVER. Dawn’s Xander crush is the cutest thing in the whole world.

K: As I said in a spoilery e-mail to Sweeney the other day, NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. 

Lor: Tara is telling Willow that Dawn was pretty shaken up by the scene at the magic shop, and what’s more, that it’s tough for her not being allowed to help in all things Scooby. It takes Willow a little while to catch onto the feels Tara is projecting onto this whole chat. Also, it’s all happening to some unpacking, which I’m guessing means Tara and Willow will be rooming together. Womp.

K: I’m pretty sure their room is the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room, but even bigger looking on account of there’s only one bed now. 

Lor: Willow assures Tara that she isn’t an outsider with a hug. “You’re one of the good guys,” Willow says and Tara pulls away from her all, “OMG I HAVE SECRETS” like. Stop it, Tara. Willow suggests doing some sort of Scoobie-initiation or wearing special rings of some sort. Tara says she’ll pass but thinks something like that would be nice for Dawn. Willow says not to worry, because Buffy is happily looking after Dawn.

Segue magic over to Buffy complaining about happily looking after Dawn. Mostly, she’s complaining about her Mom complaining about Dawn seeing icky things like dead people. That’s a legit complaint but (1) – B had no way to know about the dead person, yeah? and (2) – Joyce pawned Dawn on Buffy in the first place. Not so legit is Buffy’s my mom doesn’t shield me/I need space to be a Slayer portion of this rant. But it is a rant, she tells Riley, and not supposed to be grounded in sense.

Sweeney: I liked that her rant was half fair and half not. That tends to be how these things are.

K: I’m pretty sure I had a similar rant to my friends when I was like 15, but it was about how my little brother was allowed to cross a main road without going to the crossing and I wasn’t. #firstworldteenagegirlproblems

Lor: Riley points out how domestically tense Buffy is, and how she’s constantly on Dawn’s case. Buffy says that she knows it’s always been this way, but that lately, Dawn’s constant presence has been getting to her. Okay, show. Don’t push your luck here. The subtle visual things are fine but telling us that Dawn has always been around is too much.

Riley is the voice of reason when he says that Buffy is Dawn’s idol, what with her super powers, college life and boyfriend. Buffy is all, “yeah, cool, but about this life or death job…” And thus we reach the root of the problem: it bothers Buffy that Dawn gets to be a kid. Dawn complains about the little things while Buffy rants during missions to find vampire nests. Neither of them is wrong.

Mid-sentence, we cut to Dawn complaining about Buffy being waited on hand-and-foot. Xander tells Dawn that their mom is negligent to them both in equal amounts, like any parent should be. Something like that. They are playing The Game of Life, and Anya complains about being burdened with a husband, tiny pink children and lots of cash. Xander clarifies that lots of cash is a good thing, and Anya wonders how much cash she can get for her children.

These good times are interrupted by a rock coming through the window for our first bit of destruction to the Summer’s home in season 5! Celebratory shots!

Xander grabs the rock and there is a paper wrapped around it inviting Buffy to come  out and die. Huh. I guess there are no rules about uninvited vampires causing damage to the outside of the house which begs the question why none of them have ever thrown a big ass torch at it, or something.

Sweeney: Truth. This seems like a hole in the invitation magic.

K: What would the Whedon Verse be without these giant gaping plot holes?!

Lor: ANYWAYS, Harmony yells at Buffy to come on out and we next cut to Xander talking to Harmony at the door, saying Buffy isn’t there. The resulting banter about minions is supposed to be entertaining, but I’m distracted by why no one is killing the shit out of Harmony, considering she can’t get inside and she’s just standing there threatening Buffy. I’m annoyed.

And I’m proven right when they stand there and entertain her long enough for Dawn to blab out, “come inside and say that!” allowing Harmony to come inside and attack Xander. She gets a few slaps in and destroys a lamp before Xander literally kicks her out and locks the door. She yells that she’ll be back as Xander sets up our next segue magic by saying Buffy will not be happy about this.

Cut to Buffy laughing. Sarah Michelle Gellar is not doing a great job at selling this laughter. It’s kind of awkward to watch.

K: It really is. I think this is the reason why Buffy doesn’t laugh on camera very often.

Lor: Anyways, she’s “laughing” at Harmony’s threats until Anya shares that she’s got an open invitation into the house. Buffy gets serious and quickly puts together that Dawn had to be the one who did the inviting. Xander says it was a mistake, and that she’s probably already down on herself but Buffy doesn’t care for any of that.

Sweeney: Anya actually noticed that Dawn’s still pretty freaked out! Look at her, observing the occasional human emotion and having empathy and shit!

Lor: Harmony walks along proclaiming the first go at her plan a total disaster, seeing as how she just sort of gave up on attacking the people inside Buffy’s house because… they locked the door? I’m not sure.

The HarMinions talk about going back to the lair for someone to eat, but one dude says he’s looking for a bit more action. Enter Spike to knock him out and offer thrashings to the rest of the HarMinions.

Harmony yells out for him to stop. They greet each other and make with the ex-lover pleasantries. A particularly beefy HarMinion wants to know why she’s talking to Spike, given that he’s taken up vampire killing as his hobby. Harm calls the beefy vampire off so she can keep talking to Spike.

She boasts about having her own gang now in addition to a plan to kill the Slayer. Spike says that Harm’s new puffed up, Big Bad persona is adorable. She snaps that she’s her own person now and that she’s found “the real me.” Sorry, Harmony, but we’re only giving away imaginary gold stars in this episode. It was nice try, though.

K: Can we give Spike’s cheekbones a gold star? Because they deserve one.

Lor: As does that little lip bite in the gif above. I stared some.

Spike says she’s probably got some lame plan like snatching someone who means something to Buffy and leading her into a trap. She “pffts!” and says her idea is so much better. Spike is pretty done with this whole exchange and just wishes her luck with her villainy. Once he’s gone, Harmony happily turns to her HarMinions and announces that she’s got a new plan.

Back at the Summer’s home, Buffy is grabbing a ton of weapons. Xander tries to tell Buffy that Willow will be over soon to do the uninviting spell, and probably still has the supplies since they had to perform it last week because of Dracula. “All better,” Xander tries to reason. “No, not all better,” Buffy answers. “It’s not like Dawn hasn’t grown up in this house knowing all the rules.”

OKAY, SHOW. Fine. She’s always been here.

Dawn is hearing Buffy’s entire tirade out in the hall.

Xander says that people slip and offers the example of Joyce inviting Dracula in. This makes Buffy stammer over her own sister-rage, though she recovers quickly to say that everyone wants to coddle and protect Dawn, and they are just making her a little idiot who is going to get them killed.

Sweeney: Just as little sisters drive you a million kinds of crazy, the irrational rage fest or two is part of the big sister gig. This stuff does an infinitely better job of getting that message across than the SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN HERE IN YOUR FACE dialogue.

K: Agreed.

Lor: Agreed. I wanted to be more harsh on Buffy for this whole thing but soon we see Dawn running out to prove that she kind of is a little idiot, as she heads outside to cry. Not her room. Outside. Where vampires just were threatening lives and being evil. Anya tries to pull her back inside but, hey, what do you know, there are vampires out there threatening lives and being evil. They knock Anya out, grab Dawn and run.

The gang discovers knocked-out Anya. As she starts to come to, she manages to get out that the vampires took Dawn. Buffy leaves Xander and Riley to look after Anya and runs out.

Sweeney: She couldn’t have taken one of them with her for backup? Willow’s supposedly on her way over, she’s got the weapons chest out, and Harmony’s the only one with an invite. I know Buffy’s faced gangs of vampires before, but this seemed silly to me.

Lor: Back with Harmony, her HarMinions are getting testy because they want to eat Dawn. Harmony says that isn’t the plan, and reviews the sister-as-bait plan once again, though the HarMinions don’t look entirely convinced.

Buffy breaks into the TARDIS crypt where Spike is messing with his television. Buffy manhandles Spike a little and demands to know where Harmony’s lair is. Spike denies seeing her, so Buffy punches him IN THE FACE. Spike offers up the truth and Buffy punches him again for good measure. I appreciated it.

Harmony is pacing and ranting about how her minions don’t appreciate or respect her. We see that she’s directing this all to Dawn, so that our two imaginary-gold-star recipients are now joined by their feelings of under-appreciation.

Mid-rant, the HarMinions enter and say they voted and don’t like the plan. The new plan is killing Harmony and eating Dawn. One of the HarMinions grabs Harmony while one menacingly approaches Dawn. She warns that if they touch her, her sister will kill them. The vampire closest to her makes a big show of touching her with one finger. Chuckles all around until he’s dusted by a long distance stake. “Can’t say she didn’t warn him,” Buffy grand entrances.

K: While the whole running-off-without-backup thing was terrible, it did at least give us one hell of a BAMF-y entrance.

Lor: And really, that’s what counts.

Buffy instructs Dawn to close her eyes.

Harmony thinks this means her plan is working and tells Buffy, “at last we meet.” Buffy calls her a half-wit and I feel bad for Harmony sometimes, but seriously girl. Why u so dumb?

Harmony thinks Buffy is the half-wit for falling right into her trap. Not so much, though, because Buffy quickly dusts two HarMinions. As Buffy tells Harmony that she really sucks at being bad, the beefy vampire from before sneaks behind Buffy. He’s much bigger than her and apparently is a strength-match. Harmony takes this chance to run.

Buffy does a few more of her more gymnastic-sy moves. I remember way back in the first episode where Buffy did a gymnastic-sy flip or two and Kirsti laughed at my excitement and told me that pretty much went away.

BUT LOOK KIRSTI. IT’S BACK. There are cart-wheel kicks and back flip escapes!

K: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY. 

Lor: And with all those fancy moves, and a conveniently located large unicorn nearby, Buffy stakes the beefy vampire. She heads over to her sister and uses the axe one of the HarMinions dropped to free Dawn. B says she’s in so much trouble for all the stupid shit she did that night.

Cut to the Summers girls coming back home and realizing that Joyce is just getting there too. Joyce asks the girls if everything went okay, and Buffy covers and says everything was fine. Joyce buys this and sends Dawn off to bed.

The next day, Dawn acknowledges that this was pretty nice of Buffy, but in a bratty way because she adds that Buffy probably would’ve gotten in more trouble anyways.

We’re in the magic shop, and Buffy asks Giles if he’s sure about “this,” meaning owning the magic shop, considering he’s never run a shop and also shop owners in Sunnydale tend to die a lot. Giles says it’ll be fine, and it’ll be the New New Wiggins and they even have a space to train. Buffy’s asks exactly how bored unemployment made him, and he answers, “I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of this.” Buffy laughs and follows him off screen.

Sweeney: Sorry Willow, Giles is truly the best forever.

K: He really REALLY is.

Lor: On a completely unrelated note, it’s been a while since we mentioned Buffy’s lack of bra. That is a thing that is happening right now, FYI.

K: The whole episode has been lacking in Buffy bra. But her high necked shirt makes it incredibly obvious that her boobs are down around her waist somewhere.

Lor: Anyways, she comes back to tell Dawn, still sitting at a table and writing in her journal, not to break anything. She heads off and comes back again to say not to touch anything. She does this one more time and comes back to say that Dawn should basically not move.

Dawn says that Buffy still considers her the dumb little sister. “Boy, is she in for a surprise.”

Okay, that last gif was a real stretch, but I had to.

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Kirsti has to cover an episode with two Xanders. It’s like we planned it that way. Tune in then for S05 E03 – The Replacement.