Previously: Ana channeled her inner-Christian-Grey and was inappropriately jealous and possessive for no apparent reason when the FEMALE architect came over.
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Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is “so needy on some level.” LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That’s what we’re all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
They get up and get ready for work. At breakfast we learn that Ana didn’t eat the entire previous day because she was so mad at Christian Grey for being a possessive psychopath and then so busy being a possessive psychopath. On the one hand, I hate him for telling her when to eat. On the other, she clearly needs to be told this. Loss of appetite is associated with a great many emotional/stress disorders, which is a likely consequence of her abusive relationship.
Lor: Isn’t it amazing how casually the authors drops in these hints of this serious disorder? “I didn’t eat for 24-36 hours, but I did blink a shit ton yesterday. NBD.”
Sweeney: NBD LOL! Oh, sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. The endless lolz over the hilarity of serious! fucking! issues! come later in the chapter.
Grey is about to leave on an overnight trip to New York and wants Ana to come, but she’s all, “Remember how I’m never at my job I never do even when I am there?” and he patronizingly laughs at her in an, “Oh, right, we’re still pretending your job is real!” way. Ana wants to make sure he’s not taking a helicopter all the way from Seattle to New York, which makes no fucking sense to begin with, but gives her a moment to brood about that time he tragically didn’t die.
Once it’s confirmed that he’ll be taking the company jet, she then confronts him about the gun she found. He once again patronizes her for touching it in the first place. There’s more blinking in here too, by the way. Just so you know. Ana blinks. That’s why she still has eyes.
Anyway, the gun belongs to Leila, the Ghost of Submissives Past. Grey says something condescending about hoping Ana put the safety back on. Since Ana actually knows things about guns, she’s all, “Dude, that gun doesn’t have a safety.” Ana generally does need to be spoken to like a child and I hate giving Ana credit for knowing things, but I love any instance in which a person who is being a patronizing ass clown is made to look foolish. Note that the book doesn’t really dwell on this or intend for us to think that Grey looks like an idiot here, but he does.
We also pointlessly learn that Grey brushes his teeth before eating breakfast. I’m at a loss for words to explain my thoughts on the very idea of ELJ trying to give people hygiene lessons.
Lor: I just automatically gag whenever these two mention brushing teeth. Which, again, for some reason, happens a ton in these books. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER’S TEETH BRUSHING HABITS, GOD DAMN IT. (Pro-tip.)
Sweeney: Pretty sure people come here for awesome advice like that.
It gets even better, because then ELJ attempts to construct a gun control debate between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.
It’s short-lived because it would require too much actual thinking to write this dialogue, so we quickly move to something a little more in ELJ’s lather/rinse/repeat comfort zone: Ana asking Grey to do something that she wants and Grey refusing because refusing Ana things is one of his favorite hobbies. This time, she wants him to learn to shoot a gun, what with all the horribly unsuccessful attempts on his life. The idea of Christian Grey knowing how to use a gun apparently doesn’t terrify her as much as it should.
Fear not, those of you who recognize that murderapists shouldn’t be handed guns, for this is given the, “No. End of discussion,” you’d expect from Christian Grey in response to any request of Ana’s. Ana spots Red Ranger shaking his head and thinks it’s because he agrees with her. I’m going to go ahead and guess his thoughts being more along the lines of, “Bitch is stupid,” or perhaps, “She’s got a death wish that just refuses to come true.“
More annoying babble about how concerned Ana is about the GSP and how Grey’s probably paying for her to take art classes. This is another random piece of information I don’t even know what to do with. “Sorry for all the serious psychological trauma! I see you’ve tried to murder me because of it. How about I take you to one of those places where kids paint plates or creepy little cat sculptures?”
Lor: Ana’s confusion over this whole topic is hilar. I mean, should you feel jealous if you husband is paying for therapy cat sculptures for the girl who tried to kill you? Real life has never taught me the answer to this question.
Sweeney: File that away with the many deep, philosophical questions of Traumaland.
Anyway, Ana likes none of this, but gives up on trying to have opinions. “I know he’s going to do what he thinks is right,” which also means, “I know he’s going to do the opposite of whatever I would like him to do.” She gets to work and informs us with a vague sentence that she maybe daydreamed about doing actual work for an hour before getting an email from Christian Grey.
The pages of emails are all super boring crap about how everybody loves Grey’s haircut that reminds him of sexytimes. Ana awkwardly goes directly from a haircut = sexytimes sentence into, “I learned to cut hair by cutting my stepfather’s hair!” Then they make jokes about how possessive Grey is because, you know, HILARIOUS! Ana finally reminds him that he has an Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums to run and they should get back to that or something.
ELJ has finally decided that not every second of interaction needs to be documented, so after a section break, we jump to the following morning when Ana is brooding over the tragedy that Grey left for New York and she has been without him for several whole hours.
Lor: She misses him after whole hours, despite the fact that they pretend to go to work every day. Sure. Okay.
Sweeney: I was going to mention that, but then I remembered that while they pretend to go to work every day, she at least as the possibility that he’ll inappropriately storm into her office to make crazy demands, you know? She can hold out that hope! No such dreams for her when he’s in New York.
Naturally she “fires up [her] computer” (I’m picturing an old-timey factory machine of some sort) to find an email from Grey.
Can I just take a moment to remind you all that so. many. pages of these books have been dedicated to these pointless email exchanges? It’s hard to pick which parts of the book are the most pointless, but given that these neither advance the shoestring “plot” nor even include any of the nausea-inducing porn, they are just endless pages of filler. ENDLESS.
Pointless email lets us know that ELJ is now going to scramble for recyclable material, since this will be their first night apart since their wedding. Naturally, Ana’s plan is to get sloshed. Just as predictably, Ana’s plans are meaningless until they’ve been cleared with Grey. He calls to see what she’s doing that night and she freaks out because she doesn’t even want to say anything, but does, and her “plans” quickly turn into a request. She mentions the bodyguards before thinking, “Please let me go out.” Because Christian Grey is her fucking father and she has to ask for permission to go out for drinks with a friend that night.
And in spite of Ana’s please OF. FUCKING. COURSE. she agrees to let Christian Grey dictate her plans. Kate will be coming over to the apartment instead of them going out for drinks. It’s all prettily dressed up in talk of it being for her own safety, but it’s the same insane controlling bullshit that has been happening for the last two-and-a-half books. Ana offered to bring TWO FUCKING SECURITY GUARDS with her to this outing for drinks with her best friend. She also points out, in her doomed plea, “I’ve only seen her a few times since you and I met.” But no! They can’t go out for drinks because Grey wants to tell her what to do. Fuck all of this for-your-safety nonsense. It’s not even about his jealousy issues. Grey steps in to demonstrate his authority over Ana’s decision-making at every possible turn, and it’s fucking disgusting.
Lor: Additionally, he’s in NEW FUCKING YORK, even though, someone is trying to kill his ass too. This is less about safety and more about Grey gets to do what he wants and his daughter- WHOOPS. WIFE- can’t. It gets the most ragey for me when Ana APOLOGIZES to Grey FOR MAKING THE PLANS IN THE FIRST PLACE. “I didn’t mean to worry you,” she says even though what Grey “worries” about is completely beyond her control. She essentially apologizes for having a thought.
Sweeney: At some point in this absurd conversation, I realize that Ana’s subconscious — the one I felt bad for because she had seemed like the most sensible character in the book — has turned on us. (The fact that a figment of our protagonist’s imagination is the most sensible character in the book says a lot.) She chastises Ana because Grey does what he says he’s going to do. Or maybe I’m misreading that and she’s still on our side after all and that’s just a cautionary reminder.
Kate arrives and has already reserved a table at some bar/restaurant and wants to grab just one drink before they are locked up by Warden Grey. Ana agrees and I really don’t want to keep reading because we’re about to find out why Christian Grey was ultimately so! totally! right! for trying to control his wife and I already hate everything in anticipation.
However, taking one for the team is what Wednesdays on Snark Squad are all about, so here it goes: after Ana is a nasty bitch to her security people (sassing them because they don’t have to follow Grey’s orders since he’s not there. Never fucking mind the fact that she should be mad at Grey for giving the orders, not these people for doing their goddamned jobs). Kate informs her that security has been upped for all the Greys, and the others aren’t happy about it. Ana knows all of nothing outside their couple-bubble and is fascinated to learn that this outside world exists. It’s also an opportunity for Kate to reveal that she knows more about what’s going on that Ana does, because Kate is in a relationship with a member of the family who isn’t a possessive, secretive lunatic.
The revelation is nothing we didn’t already know — Grey’s upped the security because of something they found on Jack Hyde’s computer — but Ana hadn’t connected that dot yet and is annoyed that she is the only human being that doesn’t seem to have been told why she’s being placed under psychotic levels of surveillance.
Lor: This is another, “who do you hate more?” moment. Grey for not telling his wife anything, ever or Ana for having to ask why Grey would possibly increase security around his family. You know, after his helicopter was sabotaged, his office set on fire and they were in car chase. This bitch is stupid.
Sweeney: Indeed, I was conflicted while reading. Each time Ana thought something to the vague effect of being annoyed that Grey withheld something from her I was all, “Of course he did, but yes, you should be annoyed.” But also, none of the information that Kate shared was new information! We knew all of this already. IDGI; I hate them both.
At the bar Ana mentions Gia just so that we can hear that someone else hates her in a pathetic ELJ attempt to convince us that Gia is actually evil and not just a person doing her job and having her actions narrated in a cheatertastic way by a jealous lunatic.
Lor: “She was all over Grey,” Ana tells Kate. Remember that one time he touched her shoulder? And Kate hates Evil Gia because she had a fling with Elliot. Anyone who has sex besides Ana and Grey are evil in this book.
Sweeney: A general guide to identifying your evils! I forgot to mention it, but Ana was side-eying Mrs. Jones at the beginning of the chapter due to her makeout session. Ana’s unsure if Mrs. Jones has also had sex and must therefore be evil.
Ana also sadpandas that Carrick might be evil too, since he wanted his mega rich son to have a prenup. What an asshole, with his perfectly reasonable suggestions. Kate uses this opportunity to mention that Ana will one day have rich kids. WHY, BOOK, WHY?
Lor: OMG, is she like pregnant or something? Could she be pregnant you think?
Sweeney: They change the subject but not really. Kate’s big on the drinking since they never see each other now and jokes that Ana got married so quickly she was sure Ana was pregnant.
Lor: No, for real, is she pregnant? They said pregnant 3 times. Is that significant?
Sweeney: Commenters tell us that we’re probably in for may more chapters of this fun game before Ana realizes that she’s pregnant! Yay!
Ana mentions that this is the first time she’s been out on her own since getting married and this one’s kind of a draw because “Yeah, Grey sucks” but also, “You’ve been married 8 seconds.”
Ana thinks to herself that Jack couldn’t have done anything at a bar anyway, but also that it’s time to go because she’s done enough violating-of-Grey’s-orders. She and Kate joke about how controlling Grey is (a lot of that in this chapter because abusive relationships are just the tits) and Kate adds that domestic violence looks good on her. Or marriage. I think she says marriage. Whatever.
Lor: Ana is all, “gotta go! Grey’s going to be super mad that I’m not home,” and then she starts grinning like an idiot thinking about all the ways he’ll sexily domestic abuse her. Kate has the best, “are you serious right now? You like making Grey angry,” reaction. Because, are you serious right now?
Sweeney: Once alone, Ana sees that she has around nine hundred missed calls, as well as a text and a voice mail. I can picture Grey literally just sitting there attempting to call Ana for an hour straight, interrupted only by the time it took to send the text, the email, and also call the security guards.
Lor: The subject of the email is, “Angry. You’ve not seen angry.” Yeah, no, asshole. We’ve been reading this book. We’re well acquainted with angry.
Sweeney: Back at their building, Ana’s grateful that Grey has a whole night to cool off before coming home to take out his rage. I don’t know, girl, I see that as a whole night to think of good ways to torture you. When the elevator opens, Ana sees that a vase has been broken. There’s some security guard shouting before the end-of-chapter reveal that Jack Hyde broke in and is now “slumped at [Random Security Guard’s] feet.” In other words, the end-of-chapter-reveal that Christian Grey is totally justified and correct and ladies should listen to their abusive men. Thanks, book!
Murmur Count – 4
Whisper Count – 5
Look how low those are! I’m almost impressed, but this was a really short chapter, the bulk of which was spent emailing and talking on the phone.
Favorite comment last post: “I really don’t know who I hate more out of the two of them. On the one hand Christian is a total creepatastic abuser predator suckface. But, Ana is like, really really annoying, you know? The important questions.” – Samantha
Next time: We learn how little Jack really accomplished in his latest impossibly stupid murder attempt. Also, find out how Grey chose to deal with Ana’s latest “disobedience.” I’m betting it involves punishment sex and Lor continuing to lose forever. Find out the answers to these important questions in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 10.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
