Pretty Little Liars S01 E06 – If it quacks like a murderer…

 Previously: Hanna was a BFF, Spencer was a BAMF, Emily was irrelevant and Aria was annoying as shit.
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There’s No Place Like Homecoming

Lorraine: Aria is in bed pouting to a St. Lola in the Fields song and flashing back to the pedo-y highlights of her brief “relationship” with her English teacher, Ezrafitz. Her wet-day-dreaming is interrupted by the other members of the Pretty Little Liars who have come to stage an intervention. They want Aria to get out of sweats, which I’ve got to admit, has happened to me before. The part about my friends showing up at my house and going, “OMG PUT SOME REAL PANTS ON, WE ARE GOING OUT.” True story.

Sweeney: Any friends who tried to demand that I put real pants on would be promptly cut out of my life. True story.

Lor: And noted.

The girls remind Aria she has to try on dresses for homecoming, but she informs them she isn’t going. Her friends protest and assume she’s moping because her parents’ marriage is falling apart. Aria plays along, but let’s be real: she’s more upset that her adult-teacher-boyfriend won’t dry hump her on the regular.

The girls pull Aria out of bed and keep chatting about homecoming. Hanna is up for queen and Spencer appears to be single-handedly running the entire dance. Plus, she’s got a date with the curly haired dude who works at her tennis club, Alex. (S: A non-pedo / non-creepy guy! Go Spencer!) Emily intends to go stag, and Aria says she will too. Spencer jokes that they should go together, and Aria makes a, “LOL. LIKE A LESBIAN!!!” joke. Hanna, knowing that Emily is in fact a lesbian, jumps in to stealth-defend her friend and then changes the subject to all the Chinese food they ordered.

The PLL’s [Pretty Little Liars] dig in and for some reason Hanna leads off with a fortune cookie? And then she doesn’t even eat the cookie? I probably shouldn’t be this taken aback by someone not eating a cookie. I guess I should be more shocked by the fact that the fortune inside the cookie is from A! Damn, that is impressive. Think about the logistics there.

Spencer checks all of the cookies and they all have the same fortune. I guess this also means that A has indirectly earned our episode’s gold star!

Sara: What’s really great is to think about all of the normal people, who aren’t Pretty Little Liars, opening their fortune cookies with that same fortune inside. 

Sweeney: A+

Lor: Credits. The song is performed by The Pierces, whose music I occasionally enjoy. However, “two can keep a secret if one of them is dead?” Bitch, keep your secrets to yourself then. Damn.

After the credits, we hear Sean, Hanna’s preacher’s son boyfriend, asking someone we can’t yet see if they would like to have sex with him. The camera pans to reveal a blonde girl who says that she isn’t ready to have sex, as she made a commitment to herself . A teacher says they did good as they take a seat and then asks for two more volunteers. The Purity Teacher picks on Hanna to be “the instigator” and a slightly dorky boy named Lucas to be her counterpart.

Hanna deadpans a “wanna come up to my room,” and Lucas stops the whole role playing thing because it’s unrealistic. He claims girls like Hanna don’t approach guys like him. “I don’t need to know how to rebuff the advances of a genetic splice between Barbie and Sharkira.” Purity Teacher insists they continue with the exercise, even when Lucas says his virginity is pretty well safeguarded on account of having the upper body strength of Screech. Lucas, you are winning me over here. When Hanna asks again if he’ll come up to her room, he yells an enthusiastic, “YES!” and you can just see Hanna’s self esteem growing three sizes.

Sweeney: I became an instant fan of Lucas/Hanna based on only this scene. Obviously the people who live in the internet and don’t believe in wearing real pants are going to support the nerdy kid getting the hot girl. Obviously. Also, Sean is boring.

Sara: And most importantly, Sean is really, really boring.

Lor: In the lunchroom, Spencer sits with Hanna and hurriedly asks if Hanna can get Jenna’s file from the back-closet-psychotherapist-room they discovered last episode. Hanna says no because her shift at work was cancelled.  Spencer wants that file ASAP to see if it says anything about the night The Jenna Thing happened, mostly because Toby Cavanaugh just bought two tickets to homecoming, and he’ll probably bring Jenna and they will destroy their entire lives.

Mona, Hanna’s used to be nerdy but doesn’t wear a ponytail anymore BFF, joins them at a table and starts making fun of Spencer for bringing the towel boy to homecoming. Hanna shuts that down by sending Mona to fetch her froyo. Spencer asks why the heck Hanna would be friends with such a bitch. Where was Spencer when we all found out Hanna had her own personal froyo gopher? Because that explained everything to me.

Across the cafeteria, Toby enters. Hanna and Spencer watch as he fishes for something out of his back pocket, but he does it so violently that he manages to flip his shirt pretty much half way up his torso. It’s super convenient because now we can all see that he has a tattoo on his side.

Also, HELLO DELICIOUS MAN CUTS.

Sara:

Lor: In the halls, Toby finds Emily and invites her to homecoming. Emily is my least favorite PLL. The actress is beautiful. Arguably the most beautiful. But the character is bland as hell, and the actress has got a little bit of the Blake Lively Warble Mouth Syndrome going on. And Toby is weird. My point is that these two together make me uncomfortable. Emily accepts his invitation.

Sweeney: I actually think it’s equally as much the fault of the actress as the way the character is written. A+ for comparing her to Blake Lively though, because it’s the same deal: crazy gorgeous with around four facial expressions. I try so hard to like Emily, but it’s work. She’s not my least favorite, though — that spot is reserved for Aria who I actively dislike.

Lor: I put Emily last because I’d rather spend a scene yelling at Aria than falling asleep because Emily’s in it. But yes, Aria is the actual worst.

Spencer is painting what I’m assuming are some homecoming dance props when Alex strolls in. He was on his way to buy a suit and just wanted to know what color Spencer’s dress was, but he can’t hear colors over his cell phone, or else he would’ve called. I made that last part up. Spencer is weird about him spending his towel boy money on a suit and tickets, but he insists. They are pretty adorable together.

In the hallway, Hanna says hello to Maya, who assumes she’s fishing for Homecoming votes. Maya says she won’t be going to Homecoming, but Hanna plays sneaky matchmaker and says that Emily will totes want to see her there.

Creepy Toby approaches Jenna and apologizes for being late. Jenna wants to know if Toby was talking to Emily. Apparently, when Emily finds out the truth about him, she’s gonna hate him. Toby asks who’s gonna tell her. Jenna holds out her hand and Toby looks at her like the thought of touching her makes him want to cry.

At Hanna’s job, she tries to sneak into the back-closet-psychothearpist’s office thing, but there are workers there painting. She fiddles with the lock, though, and somehow manages to make sure it remains unlocked.

She says as much to Aria later that night as she picks through some jewelry. Aria is sulking so Hanna tries to relate to her problem. Not her dating an older man problem, but the parents’ marriage breaking up problem. She insists that Aria needs to get out of the house, and then assumes that Aria met a boy in Iceland. Hanna says that booty call is a long way off, and it’s super! significant! because her actual booty call is a long way off in like, years.

2am Club takes us into the next scene. I’m probably going to be super embarrassed about how much of the  music I recognize on this show. Hey, and what do you know, they are performing “live” on stage at Homecoming. Alright Rosewood, with your fancy homecoming.

Aria walks up looking like the fancy lovechild of Madonna and Michael Jackson:

Sara: I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I love her look here. You rock that one glove, girlfriend.

Sweeney: I was going to say I could do without the one glove, but I’m a fan on the grounds that she is in high school. The whole thing is pretty awesome.

Lor: Aria finds her friends easily and they are all totes excited she made it. Mona Not a Dork Anymore insults Aria for not having a date, and Hanna and Spencer both offer to share their dates, but first Aria has to man a beanbag toss station? IDK. This homecoming confused me right from the start.

Spencer spots her uber-bitch sister and goes over to see why she’s at a high school dance . Melissa is there to present the homecoming queen with her crown and also to be self-satisfied as she reveals that she knows Spencer stole her Russian History essay. Spencer already confessed as much to her parents, who decided that it would be more embarrassing for the family to have the essay retracted. I’m pretty sure my parents would’ve made me retract the essay and then would’ve introduced me at parties as the cheatery daughter. But, you know, different parenting strokes.

Mona and Hanna stand by the food table real-life-hashtagging people at the dance. Lucas, the dorky kid from the purity meeting comes over and says hello to Hanna. She very nice to him in return, but when he introduces himself to Mona, she’s a (funny) bitch.

 

There is something very Cordelia about that line.

Sara: Can we mention how freaking fantastic Mona’s face looks? If she was one of the Pretty Little Liars, my money would be on her for prettiest.

Lor: There is no shortage of beauty on the show.

Lucas beats it and Hanna tells Mona she was rude. Mona thinks Hanna didn’t bust her fat-suited-ass to make “it girl” just so she could talk to guys like Lucas and lose her place on the social ladder. Hanna very deeply says they lost a few things on the climb up, but Mona basically goes, “SPEAK FOR YOURSELF,” because being unpopular is the worst.

Aria heads to the stupid beanbag toss and guess who else is there? Guess. Guess. Guess. EZRAFITZ. Because Ezrafitz is the kind of teacher who always says yes to spending extra time with his under aged students, you know? Very reminiscent of one Mr. Creepy Collins. You need a chaperone? YES.

Things are awkward as Aria insists that she didn’t plan on being back there with him, just like she didn’t tell anyone about their pedo-lationship. Ezra is intrigued enough to ask who A is. Aria starts to tell him something about last summer, but spots Hanna in the background and holds back. All that she can manage is that someone is trying to mess with her and it’s complicated. Another teacher comes over and offers to bail Aria, so she stalks off.

Outside, Toby and Emily are just arriving. Emily looks nice in a rich blue dress. Toby is wearing a striped button down shirt and flannel looking scarf. He hesitates before going in because he knows people think his face is creepy. Something like that. Emily’s all, “aw, your face isn’t that bad. Let’s have some punch.”

Maya walks up to the PLLs and asks where Emily is. Hanna offers to text her, but at that moment, Toby and Emily walk in hand in hand. Everyone is super shocked and Maya beats a hasty retreat.

After a non-comercial break, Emily says hello to her friends and following a frosty reception from the PLLs, Toby excuses himself to find drinks. I bet he’s hoping he finds the kind with alcohol in them. Emily tries to insist to her friends that Toby isn’t bad, but Hanna says that if it walks like a duck and quacks like duck, it’s a murderer. I unpacked the metaphor for you.

Emily asks why Hanna is being this way when she was the one who earlier encouraged Em to follow her feelings. Hanna is all, “YEAH. That’s back when I thought you were a LESBIAN not dating a creepy! DUH.” Emily is taken aback by Hanna knowing anything about Maya. Toby walks up with drinks and asks if Emily wants to go play games.

Sara: Hanna’s point is completely valid. Lesbianism = Totally cool. Dating a creepy creeper = UNACCEPTABLE. 

Sweeney: AGREED. I mean, I disagree that Toby has actually been creepy up to this point — it’s mostly been that zoomy cameraman stalking him, but since the PLL’s are taking zoomy cameraman’s word for it and deem him creepy, I support Hanna’s basic point.

Lor: It’s true. Toby has only done things like, “be there,” and “say a sentence or two.”

Melissa finds Alex, Spencer’s date, all alone. She takes this opportunity to tell Alex that Spencer is only using him to piss off their dad. We next see Alex ask Spencer to dance, so maybe he didn’t buy it.

2am Club keeps crooning. Hanna looks gorgeous, by the way, and also deep in thought. The montage of dancing teens continues until Spencer suddenly breaks up the dancing and convenes the PLL’s. See, she just Nancy Drew’d the fact that Toby’s tattoo (901 Free At Last) stands for September 1st, aka the day Alison disappeared. Okay, guys, if Toby really is the killer and he got that shit tattooed on his body, he deserves to rot in jail for stupidity. Oh, and you know, like murder too.

Sweeney: But mostly the stupidity.

Lor: Spencer says they need to get Jenna’s file from the psychotherapist’s office STAT because of all the reasons. Hanna is sent to get it mid-homecoming.

Alex asks Spencer if she wants to visit the fortune teller, and she agrees simply because Emily and Toby are hanging out in that area.

Hanna stands outside and calls a cab, but thankfully Lucas comes out not long after and she asks him for a ride to her office under the guise of running a homecoming errand.

The fortune teller is reading Spencer’s fortune, but she’s paying more attention to Emily and Toby. Meanwhile, Aria is trying desperately to distract Sean from the fact that Hanna’s missing, so she asks him to dance. Emily spots Maya and confronts her. Maya says she didn’t tell Hanna anything about them. Emily repeats that she needs space, and Maya says she’s giving that to her, but to help her come to grips with who she is, not to hide it. Maya says she’ll leave Emily alone forever if she can just look her in the eye and say she has no feelings for her. Emily can’t.

Arya and Sean bounce around and Ezra sees this and gets sad puppy eyes. Thankfully he broods loud enough that Aria notices he’s standing there looking at her.

Over with Spencer, she’s getting an A-tastic fortune. (S: Look, it’s Gypsy from Gilmore Girls!)

 

I wonder if everyone is Rosewood is all, “MOTHER FUCK.” on account of A sneaking into homes, Chinese restaurants, fortuneteller tents and generally defacing property.

After a Not Commercial Break, Aria follows Ezra out and says that even though she knows their pedo-lationship is totes over, she can’t stand the idea of him hating her.

Ezra: Hate you? The only person I hate right now is myself for asking too much of you. Seeing you out there tonight, out on the dance floor having fun with guys your own age, not sneaking around and holing up with me in my apartment, watching videos and eating one of three things I can actually cook? Because I can’t take you to the movies. I can’t take you out to a nice restaurant. And for the record I could never hate you. I figured you’d be here tonight. The new haircut wasn’t to impress Mrs. Welch.

I’m pretty sure I hate Ezra. He’s all, “we can never be together!!! But, do you like my haircut?”  I don’t know, Ezra. Did you go for the schoolboy look on purpose? He leaves Aria dumbstruck.

Sara: Emphasis on the dumb.

Lor: Emily has walked out of the dance and Toby followed her. He says they can go up to the chem lab to talk because there will be no witnesses there. I mean, “it’s quiet.”

Alex is getting upset about how distracted Spencer is, and of course her phone rings at that moment. He tells her to pick it up but in that passive aggressive way that means, YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING PICK THAT UP. That tone is not, apparently, exclusive to females. Spencer picks it up. It’s Hanna saying she can’t find a file for Jenna Marshall, so Spencer suggest she check under Jenna Cavanagh before Hanna’s phone dies.

Melissa has been waiting on hand this whole time just so she can be all LOL. ALEX LEFT. Bitch needs to get a life stat.

Hanna finds a file on Toby.

In the chem lab, Toby wonders if Emily’s upset because she came to homecoming with the wrong person. She admits as much, but Toby is pretty understanding. She wants to know why he’s so nice to her when the PLL’s basically ruined his life. He says it’s ’cause he’s also done things he isn’t proud of and then he closes in the door in a way that suggests he might want to muffle her screams. I promise you they do actually make everything Toby says and does creepy. For real. He closes the door like a murderer.

Sweeney: But it’s all just obnoxious misdirection! He does all of nothing, but his directions seem to have been to add “like a murderer” to all of his otherwise mundane activities. There’s also some really creepertastic use of sound editing where he’s concerned. I’m prepared to eat these words, but right now I’m all, “He hasn’t done anything creepy! IDGI, SHOW.”

Sara: He definitely hasn’t done anything to be getting all this crap from the girls and/or the cameraman. I mean, except for almost being blown up by the PLLs. And except for his sister getting blinded by the PLLs. And except for him being stalked by the PLLs. Shouldn’t Toby be the one who’s freaked out by them?

Lor: Yes, but they don’t close doors like murderers, see?

Out at the dance, Melissa is making her announcement about the homecoming king and queen. It’s Sean and Hanna, but Hanna doesn’t it hear it because she’s just gotten back with Toby’s file. The PLL’s minus Emily decide to talk about the stolen file in the mirror fun house thing. At Homecoming. OKAY.

Anyways, it turns out that Jenna wasn’t the one seeing the psychotherapist; it was Toby. Jenna only went in once to talk about how she felt about Toby coming back home. They also learn that Toby was in town when Ali went missing. The girls keep reading the file as we flashback to Toby and Alison talking on the night of the accident.

Alison threatens Toby and tells him he will take the fall for the explosion accident or else she’s going to tell the whole world will know that he’s been sleeping with his step-sister.

ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL? INCEST-Y THINGS? ANOTHER SHOW WITH INCEST-Y THINGS? HOW DO WE END UP WITH THIS LUCK?

Sara: RUINED. WE ARE ALL RUINED FOREVER AND ALWAYS BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE INCEST IN EVERYTHING. 

Sweeney: WELL, FUCK.

Lor: In the present, the PLLs think that’s a big enough secret to kill over. They freak out about Emily being alone with Toby and call her. Toby tells Em not to pick it up because he’s trying to tell her what happened last summer. The girls head off to find her and we pan over to see that Jenna was just off screen and heard their entire conversation. She must’ve left her Sonic Seeing Eye Cane at home.

Upstairs, Toby is very aggressively telling Emily that he just wants to talk and tell her the truth. Emily is getting freaked out now, because the way Toby says, “I can’t be honest?” makes it seem like he’s saying, “I’m honestly going to butcher you.” Emily gets a text from Aria saying that she’s with A’s killer and they totally have proof! Like, Detective Walden quality proof, but whatevs.

As Em tries to run off, Toby grabs her by the wrist. She slaps him across the face and pushes him into a shelf of chem lab supplies. Toby is bleeding and Emily runs out calling for help. Toby runs after her and she’s screaming a lot and that fades out to black.

Over by the Rosewood population sign, a black glove clad hand shakes up a spray paint can. A the graffiti artist reduces the population by one.

That’s efficient!

Check out the Pretty Little Liars in their homecoming dresses and let us know which one is your favorite in the comments below!

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The girls take a whole episode to recover from that one time some stuff happened at Homecoming in  S01 E07 – The Homecoming Hangover.