Pretty Little Liars S01 E10 – Glamping

Previously: Spencer’s mom won all the Snark Lady love by calling Wilden out for being the worst, most inappropriate/illegal detective in the history of ever.
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Keep Your Friends Close

Sweeney: We begin with Hanna pulling a Wakefield, admiring her own beauty. Jokes, she’s actually being a precious, realistic teenager, asking her friends about imaginary flaws. They observe that their high school continues to make their hiring decisions based on what would create the most outlandish plot points for our Pretty Little Liars. Ian, the first pedobear boyfriend of Melissa’s that Spencer kissed — the secret Alison had of hers — is now a teacher/coach.

Mona walks up to invite them all to her Super Sweet Sixteen style birthday, Camp Mona. “It’s glamping, not camping. M is for Mona and massages, not mosquitoes.” She scurries off to distribute more invites.

Sara: Mona is my kind of girl.

Lorraine: IDK. “Glamping” sounds kind of tragic. Like something you did to your hair in the 80’s.

Sweeney: Hanna’s excited about glamping but the other girls are all, “But I have to shave my hands this weekend, so…” Hanna looks crestfallen, but is saved by the stalker text. A informs the girls (who all have their ringers on in school — also, they all have generic factory ringtones, which is bullshit and non-teenager-like) that Camp Mona will be a scavenger hunt to find her. Or him. Big Eyes, Shhh.

Mama Marin is having struggles with one of those automated call centers. She tells Hanna she’s handling it, but when Mama Marin runs off to answer the door, Hanna hits up that *69 to find that this number deals with delinquent mortgages. Hanna hangs up quickly as Mama Marin returns with Mona. Mona has come over to tell Hanna about their plans to go to lunch at Rive Gauche for her birthday. Mama’s not having that, so Mona lies that it’s dinner plans instead.

After she leaves, Mona gives Hanna a friend ultimatum, bratting that she’s been a shitty friend and Mona will ditch her entirely if she bails on this. Hanna tries to explain that maybe sometimes classes exist and also her financial situation, but Mama Marin was listening in the hall and interrupts. Ashley Marin makes up an excuse about running late that evening and opens her wallet. It’s now completely empty, except for one $100 bill. IDK why she’s carrying around hundreds, but I don’t care, because she forces it on Hanna and my heart breaks for Ashley. Stupid, of course, but I can’t say I don’t feel for how badly she wants to pretend for her daughter’s sake.

On the epic fail end of the parenting spectrum, Aria’s doing the family laundry and the fact that it’s laundry day still doesn’t explain the hilarious life choice that Aria is now making. She’s wearing a tie as a high-waisted belt and she looks ridiculous. I rewound it to confirm and laugh some more and confirmed that every part of this outfit is hilarious.

Sara: Maybe it’s the 50 Shades tie!

Lor: I just threw up in my head.

Sweeney: A+ for you, Lor. Not you, Sara. You go take a timeout in the shame corner.

Anyway, Aria’s shitty father blah blahs about how hard parenting is and says he wants to crash her mother/daughter lunch because he’s the worst.

At the Hastings home, Melissa is being friendly to Spencer and the music immediately turns super ominous and terrifying. Melissa offers her juice and the sound effects guy is telling us it’s poisoned, so it’s good that Spencer declined. Melissa wants to know why Spencer didn’t mention Ian’s return, after he appeared at the memorial. Spencer points out the fact that Melissa has been icing her out ever since her pedo boyfriend hit on Spencer. Spencer apologizes for that again, and Melissa leaves, sending us into a Spencerback. She’s practicing and Ian helps her, getting super handsy about it before he starts kissing her.

PEDO PAUSE, Y’ALL. Spencer’s like 14? 15 tops, in this flashback? I think Melissa’s about 6 years older than her. So 14-15 and 20-21. Think about it and process that for a second and then join me on the Balcony of EW that I’m having installed off Snark HQ.

Lor: YES. ABSOLUTELY. You need a little fresh air when you deal with the insane amounts of EW! encountered in Snark Squad material. A+ remodeling call.

Sweeney: I’m adding snarkitect to my resume.

To make matters squickier, he ends it with, “Did you like that?” before he leaves. After he leaves, Ali appears all, “OK, gross.” But it’s a senselessly aggressive this-is-all-on-Spencer kind of “OK, gross.” She tells Spencer that it looked like she was into it and that would make her a skank. NO, SHOW. STOP IT. We do not shame infants for being hit on by creepy older dudes.

Sara: It gets extra uncomfortable points for dressing a 24-year old Troian Bellisario in a “slutty 15-year-old schoolgirl” look. 

Lor: And considering last episode’s Aliback had Alison saying things like, “I LIKE MORE MATURE MEN, WINK WINK,” clearly she’s just being evil to Spencer here. She’s the worst.

Sweeney: THE WORST.

At school the next day, Aria is having a conversation with her age-appropriate boyfriend. We are reminded of her imagined 32-year-old soul in that her dream date is laying around watching movies all day. We see Ezrafitz creepily watching them in the background, and Aria kisses Noel as they part ways.

Noel chest bumps some random jock dudes as Aria’s exit is intercepted by Ezrafitz, Child Predator, judging Aria for dating a football player. Like a totally fucking normal sixteen-year-old. Then he’s all, “I’m not judging, except for the part where I was.” Then he leaves. Thanks for that totally pointless interference in Aria’s life, Ezrafitz CP!

The PLL’s meet in the halls to say that the cops are there because they found something of Ali’s. They are then called to the office. Hanna texts Mona because being investigated for murder is going to cut into their lunch date. Mona is a wretched twat and does not accept this legit excuse.

The FBI has been called in to clean up the completely inept handling of Ali’s murder investigation. They are going to show the full tape that we saw at the end of the previous episode, because the FBI is only slightly more competent than Detective Wilden. Nobody gets accused of murder in this scene, so that’s a noteworthy improvement.

The FBI agents just want the girls to clarify the video. Ali’s talking to the camera about how scandalized the girls would be if they knew she was seeing this guy and that she knows he wants to kiss her. Emily knows they’re at the kissing rock. Aria points out that Ali was wearing the same top the night of her disappearance, but Hanna knows the sweater isn’t hers. She then adorables that she has all of their closets memorized. I would have called that creepy if it were anyone but Hanna, but from Hanna it’s adorable.

Lor: I love it when our bias shows. You go Hanna, you adorable wardrobe memorizer, you!

Sweeney: At least we’re honest about it.

Spencer notes that Ali’s probably talking to “the older guy.” Alison never told them who that was — she only shared enough to keep it a secret. The probably incompetent FBI agent offers nothing in the way of murder-solving but contributes this plot-relevant line of, “Secrets are made to be found out with time.”

Mama Marin is at work and on the phone with her mortgage lender asking for an extension that is denied. A random old lady arrives to drop a ridiculous stack of hundred dollar bills in her safety deposit box. Why is everyone dealing exclusively in hundreds? We are informed that Old Lady Money Bags is super old, has no remaining relatives/heirs, and is really sloppy with her big bag of money. We’re being conditioned to mentally give Mama Marin the OK to rob her. All right, show. I’m amused by the fact that there seems to be only one bank employee involved in this set-up.

At school, Noel is checking on Aria post-interrogation. She opens her locker to find a book of poetry with a note from A. Noel reads the poem, which is by Ezra Fitz. Noel reads the first few lines and that’s all we get, but I’ve captured it in all of it’s pointless glory. Enjoy.

My favorite part is that it ends with something smelling bad. Excellent work, Ezrafitz. Aria grabs the smelly poetry book and runs off.

Sara: Now I’m really glad we didn’t have to listen to his whole stupid poem at the reading a few weeks ago. 

Sweeney: Back at Mama Marin’s work, we get added support for robbing Old Lady Money Bags when she rudely hoards all the butterscotch candies.

Lor: Oh, hell no. You rob that lady blind, Mama Marin!

Sweeney: Old Lady Money Bags leaves her safety deposit box key behind, which is basically just saying, “Please rob me bank lady for whom the audience has feelings! The audience has only learned unpleasant things about me, so they’re totally going to be cool with this!”

At school, her daughter’s unfortunate day continues when a random girl comes up to her and asks for the name of her liposuction doctor. Hanna says she doesn’t have one, but then we get the classic teen dramz shot of her walking through the halls as people gossip. She finds Mona and apologizes for lunch, but Mona’s all, “Yeah, well, A told me that you got lipo while I was on the anorexia diet and so you’re uninvited from my party and while we were best friends, now you’re just somebody that I used to know.” (SOMEBOODYYYY!)

Mona walks off with her new minions just as Emily and Spencer appear to console Hanna. Hanna reminds them that as annoying as Mona seems, she was Hanna’s friend when they weren’t. The girls say they won’t go to the party that they obviously never wanted to attend in the first place. Hanna’s all, “Fuck that noise. Things with A just got serious. LIPOSUCTION RUMOR, GIRLS.”

Melodramatic music plays as we see Aria sitting outside school crying as she reads the smelly Ezrafitz poem. She goes into his classroom to confront him. I rage the second any Ezria scene begins, but the way that Aria says, “How could you?” is genuinely hilarious. It’s so over the top that it sounds like she must be joking. Then she dramas about how he gave up on them and let her believe that he didn’t love her. You know, because they were together for eight seconds and it was all sorts of illegal and inappropriate.

Aria self-righteously rants about how she never knows which of Ezrafitz Child Predator’s stories to believe. Noel comes in for the tail end of this and asks what’s going on there. “Nothing. There is absolutely nothing going on here,” Aria says. It’s supposed to be deep and meaningful because she’s talking about their nonexistent relationship. IF ONLY, ARIA. IF. ONLY. Then Noel and Ezraftiz have a Pedobear and Age-Appropriate Guy stare down. Noel leaves and Ezrafitz throws a book and I want Noel to come back and punch him in the nuts.

Sara: I would put my money on Noel, but Ezrafitz probably has Super! Pedo! Powers! that would help him win any fights concerning the child student he loves.

Lor: I love that you say this because any time we say, Ezrafitz, Child Predator, I imagine a little cape and accompanying music. I bet that’s how he sees himself too.

Sweeney: LIKE THIS?

Creepy music cuts us to Melissa and someone lurking outside. That someone is just Pedobear Ian, showing up at Melissa’s house to pressure her into going out for coffee. The PLL’s enter with camping gear just as Melissa tries to storm upstairs. Spencer chases after her to encourage her to give Ian a chance in spite of the stalking and the sister-kissing she doesn’t yet know about. Spencer adds that she doesn’t want to be at war with her sister who shouldn’t even be blaming the Wren shit on her because she’s only sixteen. Something like that.

Aria wonders why Spencer is helping Melissa, given that she’s generally a huge bitch. Spencer nonchalantly confesses that she kissed Wren, causing the breakup. Then she adds the Ian kiss, which is why he broke up with her. She then briefly dated him in supersecret. Spencer adds that Ali thought was a megaskank for the first kiss. She then asks the other girls for assurance that she should DEFINITELY. NOT. TELL. MELISSA. because she clearly hasn’t been paying attention for the last 9.5 episodes. Spencer, you’re better than this. The other PLLs agree, and that’s fine because they’re not smart like you, but I expect better from you, Spencer.

This is interrupted by the fact that the news was was conveniently playing silently in the background has Ali’s face on it. They turn up the volume and the contrivance gets better because the reporter repeats herself, “If you’ve just tuned in…” LOL. Anyway, they’ve verified that the sweater Ali was wearing belongs to Toby because he stitched his name on the arm or something like that. IDK. They are all insta-convinced that Toby was the guy at the kissing rock. It’s only halfway through the episode so, nope! Sorry girls. Too easy.

Lor: We had to blame Toby at least once, though, because you know.

Sweeney: True. The episode wouldn’t be complete without it.

Emily is lying in bed with Maya sadpandaing about how she had Toby all wrong. Her phone goes off and Emily tells Maya to answer it, but there’s just breathing and no answer. Emily takes the phone and gets the same thing. We hear the front door open and after a slow dramatic reveal we see that Emily’s dad has returned from Afghanistan. Her mother enters and is visibly annoyed by Maya’s presence. After Emily introduces Maya to her father, Emily’s mom hastily shoos Maya out the door.

We jump from their touching family reunion to Aria’s lunch with PiperMom. Aria’s telling her about the latest Ali development. Aria notices that PiperMom is painting again, and then gets to her actual question of whether PiperMom blames her for keeping the secret. PiperMom is an actual good mother and assures Aria that it’s not her fault and she knows why Aria did it. WHY ISN’T SHE THE ONE WITH THE KIDS?

Lor: A lot less laundry and a lot more painting time, I’m guessing.

Sweeney: Emily’s dad comes in for a heart to heart with her about all the Ali drama. She says that there’s no closure, just a lot more questions. Then he gives Emily more shit about Toby. He also talks to her about the importance of honesty. She says people aren’t always ready for the truth and she’s on the verge of coming out to her father, but just says she missed him. We see her mom in the hall eavesdropping and looking at the I Kissed A Girl (and I Liked It) Filmstrip.

More touching family scenes: Melissa tells Spencer that she had fun with Ian. She offers a really half-assed, “Fine, we can stop hating each other now.” Then she mentions Alison and tries to be all sisterly heart-to-heart about it, but says that Ali’s game-playing is probably what got her killed and walks off. Gee, thanks, sis! Melissa Hastings: worst. sister. ever.

Sara: And newest addition to the Probably Killed Ali At One Point list!

Sweeney: Emily is parking her car in the woods for Camp Mona. Just out in the woods, not anywhere near any other cars who would presumably be going to this party. OK, Em. Toby then makes the most hilariously creepy entrance that just screams MURDERER, popping up from the back seat of her car. He puts his extra creepy voice on and gets some assistance from the creepy sound effects guy to tell Emily that he wants to finish what he started to tell her at homecoming.

After a Not commercial Break he confesses that September 1st is the day he broke up with Jenna. OH. THAT MAKES YOUR TATTOO ALL BETTER! See, he was over it, but Jenna’s still in love with him and tried to blackmail him. Her plan was to tell everyone that he was a RAPEY pseudo-incest monster, as opposed to a regular old pseudo-incest monster. Got it.

Lor: I question Toby’s life choices. You made the most murder-tastic entrance ever to tell me about screwing your step-sister? TOBY. STOP IT IMMEDIATELY.

Sweeney: Aria and Spencer arrive at Camp Mona together. I forgot to mention that Aria’s outfit is once again impossibly stupid. Sorry, there needs to be a per episode cap on these badges. It’s not my fault Aria is dressed by a team of drunk toddlers. The Camp Mona hoodies that Mona has for all of her guests are an improvement.

He met up with Ali that night to thank her for getting Jenna away from him…by blinding her? Is that what we’re talking about here? Toby. I wanted to say it was all the zoomy cameraman, but this, “It’s not what you think!” confession isn’t a major upgrade. You got a tattoo to celebrate the day you stopped boning your step-sister and your alibi is that you met up with the victim to thank her for blinding said step-sister?

Actual alibi relevant things are that he didn’t meet her at the kissing rock, but just outside the barn. He gave her the sweater because it was cold and it was the least he could do after she blinded his step-sister and all. Emily says he should tell the police all this and he’s all, “Nah. Reform school alum, here. I have a network of criminals to call upon. But first I’m going to give you the very specific location where I will be waiting for my ride until midnight. Then I’ll remind you, the audience, and myself that I’ve just given you an invitation to call the police.”

Back at Camp Mona, the three invited PLLs are in a tent and Emily is finishing up the Toby story and Aria is saying that they have to call the police. Hanna calls to check-in. Because of the deal that A made with VERIZON, their call is magically disconnected just as they get a new text message from A, saying that they found Ali’s bracelet and it’s now time to find him/her. Spencer, ever the brains of the operation, decides this means they need to go back to where they found the bracelet. Then she tells them the number of steps it is to get there from various points. Again I have to admit my bias is showing because this is probably actually creepy, but I’m all, “Oh, Spencer, you’re so precious!” You just sound a little like a potential murderer, but it’s NBD.

Unfortunately, just as they’re about to leave, Emily and Aria are beckoned to the “Blow Me” tent to get their hair done. Spencer resolves to go off alone. Ezrafitz Child Predator sends Aria a text demanding to see her, but she ignores it. We jump directly to Spencer returning just as they emerge with tacky hair that is about the same as what Melissa had at homecoming.

 

Sara: I can’t help but love these girls. They are the cutest.

Lor: I FUCKING KNEW GLAMPING WAS SOMETHING UGLY YOU DID TO YOUR HAIR. I WIN.

Sweeney: After the expected giggles, Spencer pulls them aside to reveal what she found. It’s another bracelet just like theirs and Alison’s, only it has Jenna’s name on it. It also has a note about looking for A in all the wrong places.

Elsewhere, Mama Marin is driving through Rosewood at night, fidgety as fuck. Papa Cheater knocks on her window and asks for a ride and she’s all, “Can’t! Gotta go wash my hair!” but as we drive off, we see she has a purse full of cash, stashed about as discretely as Old Lady Money Bags held onto it. Ashley Marin. Honey. That’s one of the illegitimate reasons I was giving to excuse your behavior. Get it together.

Toby is waiting for Emily and/or his ride. He sees headlights and gets excited, thinking Emily came for him. Nope. Homegirl called the cops, because duh.

Back at Camp Mona, Spencer is muttering to herself creeping out nearby campers when she suddenly has a burst of inspiration and solves the riddle. She looks around for Emily and Aria, but it’s now dark and everyone is wearing the matching hoodies which have now become super weird. Spencer spots Emily and tells her that she realized that they’re looking for the WRIGHT place — a place called Wright’s Playground. They run off, giving no fucks about useless Aria.

Out in the woods, Hanna is sitting alone and watching absolutely nothing with her binoculars. This seems like a weird hideout spot given all the nothing she sees. Fortunately, contrivance is going to help her out; a car pulls up.

Spencer and Emily get to the playground and a swingset is, um, swinging in the wind. But it’s creepy because it’s dark, you see.

Sara: Hey, that Are You Afraid of the Dark swingset was the scariest thing of my childhood.

Lor: YES. Everyone knows that ghosts like to ride on swings in the middle of the night when it’s scary and murder-y outside. Something like that.

Sweeney: Hanna watches what we learn is Ezrafitz’s car. Aria came to meet him. Out in the woods adjacent to a high school birthday party. EZRA. FUCKING. FITZ. ON WHAT LEVEL DOES THIS STRIKE YOU AS APPROPRIATE? You are a high school TEACHER going out in the middle of the night and parking your car in the woods just off from a giant slumber party full of your STUDENTS, so that one particular STUDENT can come meet you. Where is MariskaMom to come state the obvious fact that this town is bonkers and inappropriate and everyone needs to be fired from their jobs? (Ashley Marin now gets go on Rosewood’s ever-growing list of People Who Should Be Fired)

Lor: ADDITIONALLY: WHY DO PEOPLE SUPPORT THIS RELATIONSHIP, GUYS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TV WATCHING PUBLIC?

Sweeney: I can’t even process the idea that this relationship is a popular thing.

The rest of this conversation is some Ezria bullshit and you can expect me to recap most of their scenes that way from now on. “INSERT EZRIA BULLSHIT.” Ezrafitz explains logical reasons he shouldn’t pedobear, Aria’s all, “Please! I’m a child who doesn’t know any better, so continue to take advantage of me!” and then they kiss and make up.

Sorry, wait. He’s all, “Forgive me.” She says no, so he leans in closer to her face and repeats the command. Cool. Ezrafitz is the worst. Hanna sees all this, BTW.

Spencer and Emily continue their spooky soundtracked trek through the playground. They find a tree with a big heart carved into it. They scrape some stuff out of the way and we see that it said, “Alison loves Ian” because this is Rosewood and, you know, of course.

Sara: JFC. What is the Pedo Bear count up to at this point??

Sweeney: As the Ezria makeout session continues, Hanna tries to call them, because a shadowy person is lurking outside their car and writing, “I see you,” in the condensation on the back window of the car. We see Hanna watch this person run off just as Spencer and Emily get a text saying that she knows who A is.

Hanna is alone in the parking lot, hiding behind cars as she watches the shadowy figure run off. She hears the girls call out to her and she smirks as she runs to them. Before she can say anything, however, a car backs up and hits her, sending her up over the car. The girls run to her and she’s unconscious. They just sit over her screaming her name and shouting help and not actually using their phones to call an ambulance themselves. They get a text from A saying that Hanna knew too much.

DAMNIT, A. NOT HANNA. THIS IS FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE.

A ends the episode confirming shit we just learned, by showing a version of the Ali-knows-you-want-to-kiss-her video that ends with the camera being turned around on Ian.

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: WHAT HAPPENS TO HANNA? Find out on Pretty Little Liars S01 E11 – Moments Later