Dear Traumateers,
Lorraine: Thank you so much for being patient with us this month, specifically in this last week or two. Settling back down into life post the Snark Lady trip to California has been rather tricky for me. Mostly, though, my RL job was basically all, “welcome back from a week of vacation. Here’s everything you missed with interest.” Hooray, gainful employment.
Sweeney: I still don’t entirely know what’s going on. Just when I thought I’d developed a solid understanding of how to manage a self-structured schedule, I went to Coachella and then had all sorts of family stuff (which seriously just. keeps. coming.) I’ve either been “on vacation” or attempting to do all the things. This isn’t really shocking because we have always run this blog without any concept of balance. It’s only to be expected that we’re just as bad at it in our actual lives.
Lor: Apart from mucking up our self-imposed-crazy-post-all-the-things schedule, the only other real life news I can offer is that I love summer and I’m so incredibly happy that we’ve unofficially entered this, the longest of all the Florida “seasons.” So. My life updates are, “I’m working all the time, but the sun is pretty.” Seems legit.
That’s enough of that. On with the bloggy news:
Last Month:
In Sunnydale, we started wrapping up season four and the abysmal plot arc that brought us together with much loathing and alcohol consumption. Buffy joins the Initiative for a hot second but quits when The Evil Bitch Monster tries to kill her. After the death of EBM, Riley goes a little crazy. Faith wakes up from her coma and she’s still pretty mad at Buffy for trying to kill her. As part of her revenge, Faith boots Buffy out of her body, but does show a hint of remorse by the time everything is made right, and she runs out of town. We’re taken to an alternate reality where Jonathan has wished himself awesome. Then, we wish ourselves drunk when Buffy’s magic vagina awakens the poltergeists of abused children. Oz comes back into town for a little closure and a good cry. The set up for the finale starts with Spike shit-stirring and driving a wedge between the Scoobies, and moves onto something of a false-finale, with Adam dead by way of friendship magic in the season’s penultimate episode.
In the corresponding LA episodes, Bai Ling guest stars in one of the worst Angel episodes to date. The Whedonverse anti-children PSA continues when Angel performs an exorcism on a child, who just happens to be evil sans demon possession. Angel spends an episode exploring his daddy issues right before he’s sold into some crazy Fight Club slavery. An aging actress decides to drug Angel as part of her plan to become a vampire, but doesn’t count on the roofie bringing out some psychological version of Angelus. Yeah, we still don’t get that. Faith makes her way to LA where Angel hugs her into submission, though Wesley, Cordy and even Buffy have a hard time believing the change. That is, until Faith turns herself into the police. Angel runs into a homeless street team of vampire slayers who will apparently be important again. Lindsey teams up with Angel to defeat a blind lady doing W&H’s bidding.
In watching a show as it airs news, we had a hard time not closing our eyes when the Dread Mystery Bastard tortured Theon and Joffrey torture-killed Ros. Jaime saves Brienne from being mauled by a bear and thus won another little piece of our hearts. And then those hearts were first broken during Sansa’s wedding to Tyrion and broken again when HBO didn’t air a new episode over Memorial Day weekend.
We added a new show to our rotation and headed to Rosewood to follow a group of Pretty Little Liars. We were introduced to those girls and their dead BFF Alison, who it seems is sending them threatening text messages from the great beyond. We learn that Alison was responsible for a prank gone bad that left a girl named Jenna blind. The girls somehow have time for romantic interludes, which includes Emily kissing a girl and liking it. The Liars decide to block A’s messages from their phone, so A resorts to good old breaking and entering to get her message across.
Of course, we also read some Fifty Shades Freed chapters. Ana and Grey are on their honeymoon and have sex. Grey bruised Ana’s body badly so she can’t sunbathe on her honeymoon. Apparently she also cannot ride a jet ski by herself on this honeymoon, so we’re not entirely sure why we were subjected to so many pages of mother fucking honeymoon. Once they are back at home, Grey and Ana are involved in the most boring high speed car chase ever, and it makes them want to have sex. And that sex ends up being a lot about lube and Ana’s ass. Cool.
Sweeney: And, of course, E. L. James becoming Lor’s new BFF and it’s still my favorite thing ever:
Lor: You and me both, Sweeney. EL probably rues the day she accidentally followed me, but we will love it forever.
We had one more new feature this month, and that was our new vlog series, Segue Magic. We kicked things off by both discussing kids books that don’t suck. We followed that up by talking about our slightly embarrassing Internet origin stories, and then talked about music, even though nobody seemed to know most of what we were rambling about.
Coming Up:
This month we will see the end of season three of Game of Thrones. We are totally not used to this watching TV real time thing, so it freaks us out that we have to wait a whole year for season four. CRAZY. In the meanwhile, that hole in the posting schedule will be filled by an extra helping of Pretty Little Liars. That means you’ll get to follow the deliciously, soapy drama of Rosewood every Tuesday and Friday.
Sweeney: Admittedly, “Pretty Little Tuesday” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Pretty Little Friday,” mostly because Tuesdays are boring. We’re trying o help you out with that problem.
Lor: If you haven’t joined in on that fun, here is your chance to catch up! Seriously, we know it’s different from most of what we cover, but it is so much fun.
As always, we’ve got lots of other future projects in the works, but nothing we’re quite ready to announce just yet. Meaning we’ll probably spring them on you on a whim we haven’t really thought out yet, and then freak out accordingly.
Sweeney: Accurate prediction is accurate.
Welcome, Questionable New Friends:
There was a nice uptick in search terms that seemed like they were coming from kids doing reports on Goosebumps books. Gotta love the end of the school year. Also, I’m sorry children of the Internet that you ended up here. Speaking of children (awkward segue) the winning term has to be “girl slaps pedo man.” YES SHE DOES. Because pedo men are bad news, Internet and not nearly as glamorous as Snark Squad material suggests. Self defense is important.
Welcome web searcher!
And happy June, Traumateers.
♥
The Snark Squad
