Previously: Anya and Willow fought a lot and accidentally freed Anya’s troll ex-boyfriend from a magic dohickey. Also, Dawn found out that she’s not entirely normal.
—
Checkpoint
Kirsti: Well, we’re officially into the second half of season 5, y’all! We open at Chez Summers where a Scooby Gang meeting is in progress. Buffy apologises for the house being messy – Joyce still isn’t up to doing the cleaning, and Buffy’s 19 and has a sacred duty to save the planet from evil, so pffff, cleaning.
Lorraine: I’m 26 and have a sacred duty to watch TV for a not-living. Pfff. Cleaning.
K: A+. I’m 30 and periodically “Pff” when my mother suggests I dust my room. On the downside for Buffy, she finds one of Riley’s soldier boy jumpers next to the sofa as she scurries around cleaning up. Awkwardness abounds. Giles informs the gang that the Council are coming to visit, and Buffy freaks out on account of WHAT IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT DAWN.
Xander says what we’ve been thinking for years, and wonders why they can’t just use the phone. Tara asks what’s so bad about the Council, allowing those who missed out on The Time They Took Away Buffy’s Powers and The Time They Tried To Kill Buffy!Faith to catch up. Anya gets all edgy because she’s an ex-demon, while Buffy says that she can’t stand almost being killed right now. She then goes on with a big list of reasons of why she doesn’t want the Council to come, and we head out to the staircase where Dawn is eavesdropping in pyjamas that seem to feature flying cake. Awesome. Joyce busts her, and Buffy wigs out when she hears their voices. Willow calms her down, and Giles says that they need all the help they can get when it comes to information on Glory.
Sweeney: A worthwhile reminder to Buffy that if she wants to keep secrets from her sister, probably not a good idea to discuss said things in the house when said sister is at home because she lives there too.
K: Agreed. With that, we segue magic over to Glory’s apartment where she’s on the floor all sweaty and pale. Two of her Flattery Demons drag in a mailman and help Glory to brain suck him. The mailman crazies off while Glory is suddenly unsweaty and a regular human colour again. One of the Flattery Demons informs Glory that things are indicating she has to use the Key soon, and Glory postulates that Buffy probably knows where it is, and that she’ll have the Key in no time. Roll credits.
After the credits, we’re at the Magic Box. Giles is giving a customer some information on spells when Quentin Travers turns up with like ten suited Council people.
Lor: I really dislike the Council, but man, Quentin has a most excellent voice.
K: There’s some condescension from Quentin and general snooping from the minions. Giles adds that he and Buffy have been using the back room for training, and Quentin gets all “Oh, I thought that was for dangerous shit that can kill people. But clearly you don’t care about that.” A couple of Council minions – one of whom is Big Rhonda from That 70s Show – appear with proof of that, including a statue that was basically stolen from Burma and which can also melt human eyeballs. Ew. A minion announces that everyone needs to leave because the shop is closed, leaving Giles and Anya cranky pants.
Quentin gives Giles some more shit, and then says that they’ve found some info on Glory, but that they won’t hand it over until they’re sure Giles and Buffy are fully prepared for that information. Giles says that he won’t let the Council test Buffy again, and Quentin says that it’s not a test, just a check of her methods to make sure the information will be safe. Same shit, different bucket bro…
Sweeney: At around this time when I first watched, I assumed that this was all an epic round of manipulation and that the Council actually knew nothing, but they were there to make Buffy jump through hoops so that they could pretend that they just wouldn’t tell her what they know.
K: A fairly plausible assumption.
Anyway, that’s our cue to segue magic over to Contrivance U where Buffy is yawning her way through history class.
Right up until the point where the professor starts talking about Rasputin and all the ways in which he refused to die. Buffy clearly thinks maybe he was a vampire, but gets poo-pooed by the professor who basically tells her to STFU. We cut over to the cemetery that night where Buffy is taking out her anger on a vampire. She angrily recalls snippets of the conversation as she fights, leading the vampire to ask who she’s talking to. I don’t blame him. He punches her, and while she’s down, Spike appears and stakes the vamp for her. She’s all “Dude, WTF?” and Spike’s all “You’re welcome.” There he goes, digging for credit again…
Buffy walks away, and Spike follows, saying that she’s just pissed that he’s not Riley. Her response is one of the big reasons why I love her: “You know what? I don’t need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason.” (S: +1. Buffy > everyone.) Spike says that she keeps running off boyfriends, and then suggests a bunch of reasons as to why, including her fading looks: “The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, as firm.” He cups his hands in front of his chest as he says it, and THANK YOU FOR NOTICING OUR “Buffy needs a bra” TAG, SPIKE. (L: I appreciate your liberal interpretation.) He sasses away before Buffy can stake him, leaving her looking hurt.
Lor: You know, Spike wouldn’t have to do nearly as much creepy stalking or fake apologizing if he would just learn to shut up when he talks to her.
K: True.
We cut over to the hospital where one of the Flattery Demons grabs Ben and drags him into a room to quiz him about the Slayer on Glory’s orders. Ben’s all, “why the hell would I know who the Slayer is?” and the Flattery Demon’s explains that it’s Buffy. Ben’s shocked to learn that Buffy’s the Slayer, and the Flattery Demon asks for her address and a list of her friends. Ben says that he’s got a message for Glory too.
Over at the Magic Box, Buffy’s horrified to find so many Council members there. Quentin is all “Oh, hey. Sorry not sorry we tried to kill you that one time. Bee tee dubs, we’re going to assess your skills AND talk to all your friends while we’re here.” And also, if she fails the review or doesn’t take their recommendations, they don’t get the info. Giles snaps and starts yelling. Quentin tells Buffy that if she fights them, they’ll close down the Magic Box. He says that they have more power than she thinks, and will deport Giles if necessary. Buffy glares at him, and we fade to black.
Lor: KILL THEM ALL, BUFFY.
Sweeney: SNARK LADIES WILL DESCEND WITH PITCHFORKS; LEAVE GILES ALONE.
K: PITCHFORKS AND A SEETHING ANGER FUELED BY READING ABOUT CHRISTIAN GREY. DO NOT CROSS US.
After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back at Glory’s. The Flattery Demon is back from seeing Ben, with a shiny new beating to show for it. Ben’s not going to help. Glory’s pissed, and starts listing off ways in which Ben could get the location of the Key out of Buffy. This list includes “he could seduce her and bang the Key out of her!” which is both hilarious and disturbing. She then yells that Ben makes her crazy(er), and says that she’s just going to have to find Buffy herself.
Back at the Magic Box, the Council have gone. Buffy mopes at the table while Giles talks about how it’s all a big power struggle. Buffy, despite her moping, is still in punning mode, saying that she suspects the Council has the advantage and that, “there’s a big power outage in Buffy county.” Bless. She asks if they can really deport Giles, and he cleans his glasses so hard that he breaks them. Guess that’s a yes.
Lor: It only took 90 episodes for it to finally happen.
K: I KNOW. I’m astonished. She asks if she’ll be able to get through the review, particularly the part where they review the decisions she’s made. Giles tells her that there’s nothing wrong with her decisions, that all the wrongness is with the way the Council are acting. She says that they picked the right thing to threaten, because she can’t lose him. Awwww. BRB, having feels. (L: YEP.) (S: ALL OF THEM.)
Buffy wonders how they’re going to start.
With that, we segue magic over to Xander’s apartment. Anya’s going through her fake backstory in too much detail again. The Council minion asks her to confirm how she spells her name, and then says that they can start the questions. Cut over to the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room where another minion is questioning Willow and Tara. He asks them about their relationship, and they awkward their way through friends to good friend to “lesbian, gay-type lovers.” It’s adorable. Then he’s all “Uh, I meant your relationship with Buffy,” and things get awkward again.
Cut back to the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room, where Willow and Tara are all, “no, she doesn’t need help, sometimes she doesn’t even ask, except not in a weird loner way OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.” Willow wibbles a little about their wicca powers, and he asks what proficiency level they’re at. Willow dithers while Tara picks a number out of thin air. He asks if they’re registered, and they lie that they are. Back to Xander’s. The Council minion asks about the Key, and they’re all “Nope, no idea.” He then asks if Buffy protects them from the dangerous parts of her work, and Xander says that she’s saved his life a bunch of times and the vampires in Sunnydale hate her.
That’s a nice contrivance-y way of segueing over to the TARDIS Crypt where Big Rhonda is interrogating Spike while two other minions hold him at bay with a crossbow and a crucifix. Spike mostly looks amused. He answers the questions in a “Buffy’s losing the plot” way, and Big Rhonda points out that he’s killed Slayers before. Spike gets all Captain Jack Sparrow “But you have heard of me”-y, and Big Rhonda reveals that she wrote her thesis on him. Spike grins and asks how Buffy’s doing in the assessment.
Lor: Oh, he’s got it bad. Even an invitation to gloat is short lived as he once again steers the conversation to his favorite topic.
K: I kind of wish he’d quizzed Big Rhonda a little, because that would have been awesome.
Over at the Training Room, one of the Council minions is blindfolding Buffy while Quentin informs her that she has to protect the dummy while one of the minions – this one dressed in martial arts gear – attacks it. He adds that she should protect it like it’s precious to her, and Buffy gets a look of DAWN-ADJACENT FEELS! on her face. Quentin says that they’ll give her instructions to help with the fight, oh and by the way, they’ll be in Japanese, now GO. Buffy’s all “Uhhhhh, whut?”
Quentin starts giving instructions, and Giles yells out the English translations, which earns him a glare from Quentin. After a minute or so, Buffy says that she’s going to do things her way. Still blindfolded, she throws the Council minion and grabs his axe. He loses his grip, which sends it flying from Buffy’s hand into the dummy she’s meant to protect. Womp womp.
She says that she can do better, and Quentin says they don’t need to see any more. They’ll start the real examination – of her strategies and stuff – that night. The Council guys leave, and Giles smiles at her in a worried way. Cut to Chez Summers. Buffy calls out to Joyce, but is greeted instead by Glory. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Glory wanders around the living room talking about how cute it all is. Buffy grabs a poker from the fireplace, but Glory appears behind her, saying that she’s not there to fight. “If I wanted to fight, you could tell by the being dead already.” Fair. She quizzes Buffy about the Key, but she’s not saying anything. Dawn walks in behind Glory, and Buffy gives her “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE” face. Dawn backs away, but just as she’s about to leave the room, Glory’s all “HEY YOU, KID. Where’s my Key at?” Buffy’s says Dawn doesn’t know anything and Dawn gets cranky: “I know some stuff.”
Lor: DAMN IT DAWN. NOW IS NOT THE TIME. I think when they made her a person, they forgot to include a survival instinct.
Sweeney: That being said: this moment was used in the comments, earlier, to justify keeping secrets from Dawn. I’m not really sure how this would have played out if she had known, but that accusation is a little unfair because she’s acting this way because Buffy keeps her out of the loop. As per that earlier conversation in the comments: I’m a big believer in setting expectations to live up to rather than limitations to live down to.
K: YES. It’s kind of a Catch-22 though. Dawn knows what she is? She freaks out and potentially runs away, putting herself in danger. She doesn’t know what she is? She gets cranky-pants at being treated like a kid, and opens her big mouth, putting herself in danger. Buffy loses either way.
Glory plays on the obvious sibling rivalry, but Buffy orders Dawn to leave. Dawn sasses her way out of the room, and Glory agrees with me because she says, “Ooooh, I like her. She’s sassy!”
Glory threatens to kill everyone Buffy loves if she doesn’t hand over the key, and leaves. Joyce enters, and Buffy tells her to pack a bag.
Cut to the TARDIS crypt. Spike wakes with a yell as sunlight hits his face. He snarks at Buffy a little, then notices Joyce and Dawn in the background. Buffy says that she needs his help, and he’s all “Show me the money, yo.” But she doesn’t have any. “You’re the only one strong enough to protect them,” she says, and Spike acquiesces.
Lor: Spike melts is more like it. On another note: DEM DIMPLES.
K: BRB, gif staring again…
Buffy leaves, and Spike’s all “Make yourselves at home, but STFU because Passions is about to start.” Thus follows a brilliant exchange between Spike and Joyce that I love so freaking much:
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy’s really dead?
Spike: Oh! No, no, she can just sew him back together. He’s a doll, for god’s sake.
Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there’s no way they’re gonna go through with that.
Dawn eyerolls her way off to the other side of the crypt.
Lor: I think Spike/Passions is my OTP.
K: Mine is still Spike/onion blossom. But Spike/Passions is a close second.
Cut to the Magic Box. Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya are sitting up on the balcony watching the Council minions do their thing and judging them. Quentin checks his pocket watch (because OBVIOUSLY) and informs Giles that Buffy is 20 minutes late. Giles says she’ll be there, but looks concerned. We cut to Buffy walking down an alley, looking at her watch and realising she’s late. Just then, a guy dressed in chainmail tackles her. Two others appear, and the trio surround her with their weapons drawn. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, the guy with the sword attacks. She knocks him down, then attacks the two metal pole wielding knights while he’s down. After a bit of a fight, she defeats them both and grabs of the metal poles to face off with the sword wielding knight. They fight, and she knocks him down. “Okay. Let’s see what you are,” she says, then pulls off his coif to reveal that he’s nothing more than human. And a stupid human at that, because he spills all the details: he’s a member of the Knights of Byzantium, who have an army and will keep sending soldiers until they kill her because she’s protecting the Key and they want to get rid of it forever. Having spilled his guts, he waits for the killing blow, but Buffy tells him to leave. She keeps his sword though, because a girl can never have too many.
Lor: See, Angel? We pick swords up, we don’t abandon them in sewers.
Sweeney: Word.
K: 1430, Lor.
Cut to the Magic Box. Buffy’s still carrying the sword as Quentin tells her she’s late. She’s all “Care factor?” and then lays her sword across his question pad. And then she activates BAMF mode:
Buffy: There isn’t gonna be a review.
Quentin: Sorry?
Buffy: No review. No interrogation. No questions you know I can’t answer. No hoops, no jumps…no interruptions.
She starts pacing, saying that she’s worked out that it’s all about the power – she has it, and it makes other people afraid. She adds that Glory stopped by her house, and Giles asks if everything’s okay. She says that Glory just came to talk, and that the reason she didn’t kill Buffy is that she needs something from her. Furthermore, the Council came all that way to beg her to rejoin them and give their lives meaning again. One of the Council minions starts to protest and she BAMFs at him with her sword:
The Scoobies whisper cheer from the balcony.
Lor: Xander’s, “that was excellent,” and the big grins Tara and Willow give makes my heart swell with Scooby feels, just in the middle of all this BAMF. I LOVE THIS SCENE.
Sweeney: RIGHT? THIS IS THE BEST. MORE OF THIS, PLEASE, SHOW.
K: SO MUCH AWESOME. Buffy continues her speech: “You’re Watchers. Without a Slayer, you’re pretty much just watching Masterpiece Theatre. You can’t stop Glory. You can’t do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the “Everyone Thinks We’re Insane-O’s Home Journal.”” She looks at Quentin and makes her demands, which are as follows:
1. Give her the information;
2. Fuck off;
3. Only contact her if they have more useful information;
4. Stop threatening Giles and the Magic Box; and
5. Reinstate Giles as a Watcher, and give him back pay from the time he was fired until now.
Lor: Giles’s “retroactive!” cough is the absolute best. I’m so glad he’s going to be getting paid again because this shop isn’t going to keep rebuilding itself.
K: Truth. Meanwhile, she’ll keep doing her thing with the help of her friends. Big Rhonda’s all “But they’re kids!” and Buffy replies that actually, they’re two powerful witches and a thousand year old ex-demon. “Willow’s a demon?” Anya says from the balcony. (L: There’s a survival instinct.) Someone questions Xander’s role, and Buffy says “The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He’s part of the unit.” Xander gets “I’m needed!” face and it’s adorable. She demands an answer from Quentin immediately, and Giles gets this look of pride that smacks me in the feels. Quentin accepts her terms, and the Scoobies cheer but stop when Buffy looks up at them with a smirk.
Quentin asks Giles to bring out some scotch, and Buffy sits down so Quentin can fill her in on Glory. She asks what kind of demon Glory is, and the answer isn’t quite what she was expecting: “Glory isn’t a demon. She’s a god.” “Oh…” Buffy says with a look of shock, and we fade to black.
Lor: This was a fun episode for me. Indulge me while I go through it, yeah? Okay, first, the weird dynamic between Spike and Buffy is really starting to take shape. In an episode where she once again calls him disgusting, she also trusts him enough to put her family in his care. Spike has been working so hard to get some acknowledgment from Buffy, and here she shows up with a whole lot of manly responsibility.
Next, we’ve been talking a lot about Buffy feeling powerless and it’s nice to see how that is explored here. For a lot of the episode, she’s stuck feeling that powerlessness again– Glory is stronger than she is. The Council is more well connected and has knowledge she doesn’t. Even little things add to all of this, like being picked on in class, even though she knows things that no one in that room could possibly know. The thought of losing Giles. It all culminates in her big power play at the end. She didn’t seek out Glory, and didn’t ask for the Council’s review; they came to her because she has power.
Sweeney: YES. ALL OF THIS. I love all of Buffy’s big power epiphany moments. This one, in particular, has a lot of fantastic out-of-show relevance — the basic point is that people that engage with you to belittle you in any fashion are, in a sense, tipping their hand to reveal the power you hold over them. Not that this makes it all better, but it’s a worthwhile life lesson.
tl;dr BE BUFFY SUMMERS, KIDS.
Lor: Well said.
Finally, the Scoobies were fantastic, and it was nice to revisit their roles and see them standing up for their friend. I also loved that after all the BAMF and the I Got the Power speech, the episodes ends on a down note: Glory is a god.
Nothing is ever easy.
Sweeney: That’s such a fantastic little twist and I love it. I love that Glory is, in a lot of ways, an excellent callback to Greek mythology with her vanity and pride and juxtaposing her mythological issue with incredibly petty human-like concerns. I love it.
K: Agreed with everything above. On face value, this episode is kind of full of randomness. The Council tests, Spike keeping Dawn and Joyce safe, Buffy being ridiculed in class, the knights who say ni “Die Key, Die”. But it’s an episode so full of turning points – for Buffy, for her relationship with Spike, for Dawn, for EVERYONE – and it ties together brilliantly in the end.
Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dawn seriously has a death wish and runs away from home in S05 E13 – Blood Ties.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
