Previously: A fucked with Spencer in a big way and we did not approve. (S)he almost outed Ezria, but that didn’t go over quite as planned, which was a bummer.
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Je Suis Une Amie
Sweeney: Does this episode title mean that we can confirm that A is female? Or that A is just fucking with everywhere possible? Anyway, the episode begins with the Cavanaugh mailbox being smashed by a baseball bat by someone unseen.
Aria’s in her room getting ready for another day of her pedolationship and maybe attending a class or two. Papa Cheater won’t be home for dinner but he’s really awkward about it, due to probably going on a date with Piper Mom. Because of reasons, she has to get his checkbook out of his coat pocket to pay for his dance marathon pledge and she finds Piper Mom’s ticket to the museum where she and Pedzrafitz had Baby’s Day Out.
Lorraine: But like, 1000% less entertaining than that 1994 instant classic.
Sweeney: Absolutely.
Papa Cheater and PiperMom’s little hookup does not explain why he took the ticket to this museum neither of them went into, but whatever, show. Aria asks him about it and he says it belongs to PiperMom but he is twitchy and weird about whether or not PiperMom (or he) ever actually went into the museum.
Cut to Emily’s house where Spencer is looking out the window at Toby’s mailbox. I can’t see her full outfit yet, but I already approve of her blouse and her makeup is pretty too, albeit unreasonably excessive to wear to high school, and Spencer’s the only one who actually goes to class. Spencer asks about the mailbox and then about Toby. Emily’s not in the mood to fight, but neither is Spencer due to her recent experience with being sort-of framed (for bracelet buying! scandal!) and also that time she creeped on Toby when he was crying. Spencer apologizes for all the shit she said about Toby and Emily tells her that apology should be directed at Toby.
At school, Aria and Hanna are standing in a line for coffee because their school is actually a mall and the lack of class and freedom of movement makes much more sense now.Apparently someone has been staying late at school and breaking out at 3am. Also, Aria’s panicky about the ticket and Hanna tells her not to worry.
She excuses herself so that she can go tell Caleb that secrecy on the Piper Mom sabotage is hugely important, and also so that they can flirt.
Sara: That is one attractive couple.
Sweeney: They really are insanely attractive. And that moment was adorable.
Hanna gets a text from A telling her that while she has Caleb’s silence, she has to worry about A’s. Or she could just fess up, but then there wouldn’t be a plot.
Powderpuff Eyes, Shhh.
After Emily’s swim practice the coach announces that she and Paige are tied for best time and possible anchor for their meet the next day, but she won’t decide until the next day again, because of reasons. Having your life dictated by a plot must be really annoying.
Lor: On the bright side, each day is like a week long! Think of the productivity!
Sweeney: Aria runs into her mom and their conversation is hilariously awkward because Aria tries to ask about the museum night, without mentioning her pedo-date while Piper Mom confesses to skipping out on the museum for “dinner with a friend,” and avoiding all mention of her Papa Cheater date. This was entertaining. Aria would grow on me if she spent more time with people who aren’t her criminal teacher.
In the library the girls are sort of studying, but Hanna’s just reading a magazine, except by reading a magazine I just mean flipping the pages really fast. Spencer spots her awkward just as Hanna spots Caleb across the library and makes up the terrible lie of having left her lipgloss in the stacks. Caleb is calling in his favor: he wants a date. He tells Hanna it’s because a date with her will up his credibility with the rich and popular kids. Really he just wants a date with Hanna.
Sara: I am so disappointed in you for not making the obvious reference.
Sweeney: I’M SORRY. I’m going to lose all the points I racked up yesterday.
Spencer and Emily are walking through the halls discussing the anti-team-building swim off that Emily has to have with Paige. Spencer wins ALL MY LOVE FOREVER PERMANENT FAVORITE STATUS with her feministy line that is actually only one line but I love it this hard. Emily, who is the epitome of the nice, unassuming girl (usually; she’s awesome when she cuts that shit out, though) says that Paige will win because she wants it more. Spencer replies “You want it more, and it’s OK to admit that.” A message to socialized “nice” girls everywhere.
Anyway, the scene doesn’t have time for my stupid sidebars and moves on to them spotting a flyer looking for a peer French tutor.
Lor: It’s a super awkward segue, if that makes you feel better. They just suddenly turn their heads and it’s all, “oh, hey! A poster!” I much preferred your sidebar and it’s true facts life lesson.
Sweeney: Emily says it’s for Toby and Spencer decides she wants to do it. Emily tries to talk her out of it, but Spencer’s pretty sure that the proper Nancy Drew move is to tutor Toby.
She goes to tell Creepy Ian (somebody’s got be creepy, now that Creepy Toby is presumed innocent by the show) that she won’t be at practice because she has to shave her hands. He’s a real dick about how she can’t avoid him, what with him living in her back yard, which is a creepy thing to say.
Sara: It’s true, though! Every time she walks downstairs, Creepy Ian will be chopping some lettuce as threateningly as possible.
Sweeney: It is certainly true, but not a particularly winning argument for not avoiding him. Reminding her how hard it is to avoid him in the creepiest fashion possible is basically like saying, “It’s work, but it’s definitely worth it.”
Because of reasons, Melissa drops by the school while this conversation was happening and is uncomfortable about their aloneness, what with Rosewood’s pedophilia-and-pretending-the-children-are-the-predators problem. Creepy Ian says that Spencer’s quitting the team because she’s missing one practice, which is juvenile but par for the course. Spencer admits that she’s tutoring Toby and they’re all, “WTF, girl, he’s an accused murderer,” which is a fair point, but not changing Spencer’s mind.
Lor: I guess when the people being all, “GIRL. BE REASONABLE!” are a pedobear and your bitchy sister, it makes you kind of want to do the opposite of whatever they are saying.
Sweeney: Indeed.
She goes to Toby’s house and grabs his mail on her way up to the door. Toby asks why Spencer’s the one tutoring him, but accepts her scholarly normal answer and doesn’t press on for, “So we can get our investigating on!” They have to do the tutoring session on the porch, though, because Blind Jenna is home and will eat Spencer’s soul if they go inside. (L: A+)
At Aria’s place, she’s freaking out to Hanna some more about the museum thing and Hanna’s all, “IT’S FINE DROP IT GOD.” But not like that. She overhears Papa Cheater on the phone probably with Piper Mom, but because when she asks him outright and he awkwards, “Nooo, of course not, noooo!” she still doesn’t catch on. Aria is really slow. She decides that since she doesn’t know who her dad is going out to dinner with, the only answer is to follow him. Aria! Girl! We need to have a chat about your stalkerish tendencies. I’m trying really hard to like you, but you need to stop being such a creep.
Lor: It’s especially difficult to watch her be all judgey and Nancy Drew about a potential secret relationship, WHEN GIRL, YOU ARE IN A SECRET RELATIONSHIP. You cannot follow people around town, Aria. STOP IT.
Sara: Or! Maybe Aria’s parents will see her doing this and figure out that they should be doing it, too, and Ezrafitz will finally get caught and go to jail! *Fingers crossed*
Sweeney: A Snark Lady can dream.
On Toby’s porch, Spencer’s getting down to business. She bought him Catcher in the Rye in French because she saw him reading it at The Grill once and figured it would help to read a book he already knows in English. That’s precious. I really hope this French book leads to age appropriate love.
Not yet, though, because Toby is still skeptical of Spencer, whom he says doesn’t do anything without a reason. He says it like an accusation, but those are the actual words he uses. “Self-gain” or something of the sort would be an insult. A reason? Spencer does shit with a purpose! Toby is also continuing to be a creep in this scene. I think the problem is equal parts his direction (which is clearly still “be creepy!”) and the fact that this guy isn’t a very good actor. I hope both of these things change, because I also want to like you, Toby, what with your having been falsely accused and stuff.
Lor: Not gonna lie. My main issue with him is all that hair he has on his head. Someone get this boy a hair cut STAT. Bonus points if the barber doubles as an acting coach.
Sara: Triple points if he can fix that weird (but lovable?) face.
Sweeney: I don’t mind his weird face, but I’m definitely with Lor on that hair. And the acting coach. Mostly the acting coach.
Anyway, Spencer admits that she’s there because she thinks he’s being framed. She also admits that she changed her mind because she’s being framed too. Toby asks why someone would go after her and suggests that maybe she knows something she shouldn’t. Spencer apologizes for all the things she said and thought about him, and then starts asking questions about the sweater he gave Ali. This is interrupted by someone (probably Blind Jenna) slamming a window shut and Toby hurriedly excusing himself, even though no tutoring happened.
At Emily’s house, she further establishes her spinelessness by asking Spencer what she thinks about something and then concluding that this must mean that Emily is against it. Ugh. Dislike. Spencer’s not really interested in this conversation because she’s daydreaming about how Toby is different than she expected, now that she’s given him a book and stuff.
Sara: He can read! And talk to girls without chasing them around dark school hallways! Dreamboat!
Sweeney: Hanna and Stalker Aria follow Papa Cheater to the high school. Hanna rightly points out that he’s probably there to see her mom and Aria’s not buying it. She calls Piper Mom who the audience sees is, indeed, in the school with Papa Cheater and Piper Mom is super weird with Aria on the phone and lies that she’s at home. They end this call and Stalker Aria decides that now it’s time to follow Papa Cheater into the school, where she eventually sees them making out in the library.
While they are there, Hanna spots a jacket hanging from a vent by the ceiling so she goes to investigate. They find a paper bag filled with cellphones and a roll of cash, which pretty much screams A. Or Caleb. Or both. Aria’s all, “Let’s leave it and go,” but Hanna grabs the money. I feel you girl; I’d have done the same. (L: +1) (S: All day.)
The camera switches to the shakey shadow lurker perspective so we know that this person is present. The lights cut out and the girls run. They are chased by someone in a hoodie. When they reach the dead end of a door bolted shut from the inside with a millionty chains which makes none of the sense and also seems like it would lead to death in the event of disaster or also being stalked by a potential murder. Hanna busts out the pepper spray aaaand it turns out to be Caleb.
After a Not Commercial Break, we clarify that it was actually hairspray and Caleb admits that he was in there because he’s been crashing at the school because his foster parents are winning the title for Rosewood’s Official Negligent Parents, and we’re adding tortured to his whole bad boy thing. Hanna gives him his money back and he goes back to the library to sleep.
It’s stormy outside, so bad stuff is happening. Emily is woken up by a text. She goes downstairs and finds Paige standing outside her door dripping wet. She’s freaking out and says that Emily has every reason to hate her, since she hates herself and also since she sort of drowned her. I added that last part and it was mean because we’re obviously starting another coming out narrative and Paige does apologize, albeit not for the waterboarding. Paige grabs her bike and rides away, leaving Emily to stand there and wonder what just happened.
Sara: Still totally fair to point out that she did actually almost drown Emily. Sorry, girl. Coming out doesn’t negate almost-murder, Paige.
Sweeney: The following morning the coach announces that the swim-off is canceled, as Paige got a little banged up in a bike riding accident the night before and isn’t there.
Hanna and Caleb meet up and he’s very frosty with her, but she softens him up by agreeing to swap gossipy names/information about the kids of Rosewood HS in exchange for details about himself. He fills in more of his terribly shitty backstory, but stops short of discussing his real parents because that’s too much trauma.
Melissa tries to be sweet with Spencer but the scene quickly turns into a showdown about Ian. Spencer wants to know why they rushed into this marriage and tells Melissa to ask him about Alison. Melissa brats that she already lost one relationship because of Spencer and won’t let her ruin her marriage too. UGH. Forgive the gif-recycle, but I think it’s time to revisit Troian’s thoughts on this matter.
Sweeney: RIGHT? This gifset is definitely missing their dumbfounded reaction shot. I just spent 10 minutes trying to find the video of this interview and I can’t find it and I’m sad.
ANYWAY: The girls are watching the meet and being adorable. Caleb excuses himself to go chat with a girl who is a raging alcoholic, sitting alone at a school swim meet getting her drink on. Why even go? Whatever. Aria and Spencer don’t approve of Hanna’s new choice in companion and Aria needs to STFU.
Sara: I like how Spencer made progress with Toby five minutes ago, and now she’s all, “Caleb is dangerous!” Always looking out, girl.
Sweeney: Then it’s Emily’s turn to jump into the race and we get uplifting music and the whole extended shot and celebration when she wins, including Paige cheering for her.
Later, Spencer excuses herself to take the long way home and gets huffy eyerolls from her evil sister. Aria gets a text from A telling her that she almost got busted and should ask Hanna how. Is there a pin for that? Or a sticker, perhaps? “I attempt to bust pedolationships! Ask me how!”
Lor: I wonder if we can put that on a t-shirt and also if I’d be allowed to wear that to work. Hmmm.
Sara: I don’t think anyone could judge you for that shirt. You’re doing a service for the community!
Sweeney: Except if they do ask you how and you have to admit that you do it by working with a mysterious text messager who blackmails you because your mom steals from old ladies.
Hanna sees Caleb digging his stuff out of the trash can, because his stuff hiding place has been found. He tells Hanna that her debt has been paid and leaves. Hanna stops him to offer her place, adding that nobody will ever call social services because they have a couch in the basement that she never uses. I believe this, since the areas of her home that Ashley Marin uses are so limited that a lasagna box seemed like the best place to hide thousand of dollars in stolen money.
Aria walks up to Hanna and shows her the text, though still isn’t actually suspicious of Hanna. If nothing else, Aria’s character is consistently naive. (Which makes her conviction that her soul is 32 all the more hilarious.) Hanna confesses, but Aria cuts her off before she can explain how she tried to keep Piper Mom from going. Aria storms off, and I’m mostly annoyed with her. No sympathy for your pedolationship.
Sara: No sympathy at all. This is Pretty Little Liars, Aria. The show where shit is always misconstrued. Let a girl finish her explanation before you go temper tantruming off. Although, I guess Aria wouldn’t be able to figure all of this out, seeing how she doesn’t even know she’s on Pretty Little Liars in the first place.
Sweeney: Back at the pool, everyone has left by Paige and Emily. Paige says she wiped out because she was busy thinking about how easy things would be if she did. Emily tells her that she got back into swimming because she started doing it for herself. Then she asks Paige when she last swam for fun, before we cut to a montage of them swimming to very upbeat music. We also see Emily take a pause because she likes the view.
Sara: Emily has her own Lesbian Soundtrack through the series. It’s odd how they always give her scenes completely different music from the rest of the show.
Sweeney: THEY REALLY DO! The music in both swimming sequences was weird and out of place.
Spencer goes to Toby’s place and he says it’s not going to work. He offers no further explanation and tells her to take the book and leave. HE REJECTED THE AGE APPROPRIATE LOVE BOOK. I am sad. Spencer looks a little bummed too.
We see Aria ignoring Hanna’s call before cutting to her, sitting on her steps crying. Caleb asks about towels, but sits down next to Hanna when he realizes that she’s upset. She says that Aria’s never going to speak to her again before adding that he can just go take a shower instead of listening to this. He starts to go, but sits back down, telling her it can wait. AWW! This is precious! I mean, I’ll give the weirdness of him living in her basement a pass, because they are precious and I approve.
At Spencer’s house, Melissa wants to talk. She says that Ian confessed about his thing with Spencer, but Melissa’s not going to hold that against her. She also adds that she thinks Spencer needs help for always wanting what Melissa has. Then Melissa tells her that she’s pregnant and storms out when Spencer doesn’t congratulate her.
Just then, she conveniently discovers a note tucked into the Age Appropriate Love Book. Toby says he found this in Jenna’s room and Spencer may be right. Does this mean he didn’t really reject it? Can I be less sad now?
A-NONYMOUS: A record is playing French lessons while the glove hand does some stuff that I don’t entirely follow. Is A planting a bug? Is that what just happened? The record says, “Je suis, I am. Je suis, I am. Je suis, I am.” You came so close to earning that gold star, record! But alas, it was not meant to be.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: I swear to you this is the word for word Netflix description: “It’s time for parent-teacher conferences, and one little liar’s father sits face-to-face with the love of her life.” We’ll save the complete rage for next time in S01 E17 – The New Normal.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
