Previously: A magically short chapter, in which Ana gets senselessly judgey about Kate and Elliot’s engagement, because obviously no love is as worth as hers and Christian’s.
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Sweeney: Having dispensed with all that crazy business wherein Ana had to interact with other people, we begin this chapter in a familiar place: with everyone’s least favorite couple in bed. Ana, “linger[s] on the edge of consciousness,” afraid to wake her future murderer. A valid fear.
Lorraine: It’s made a hilarious fear because Ana is being suffocated by Grey’s body heat. So, she’s not going to wake him because he doesn’t get enough sleep and Grey needs to sleep regardless of if Ana is being robbed of her oxygen. Because it hasn’t happened in a bit: AND THEN SHE DIES.
Sweeney: That game will never stop being wonderful.
Remember how Ana insisted she was only “buzzed” after injecting a steady stream of booze to the veins? Right, well, that was obviously false, so she now has a hangover that moves a little closer to what makes actual sense. Except, like, Ana sense, because she’s not entirely sure if she’s hungover and asks herself a bunch of stupid questions to confirm. Her palm is also red from that one time where she slapped a guy for not realizing that married women shouldn’t be violated like those unmarried hussies. OK, Ana. OK.
Lor: Wait… would your palm stay red over night after drunkenly slapping a guy? Was his face made out of brick?
Sweeney: No, it absolutely would not. This is additional proof of ELJ’s lack of owning any body parts whatsoever. This whole book was written by a sentient robot trying to punk us all, and/or determine whether we were officially stupid enough to make the robot uprising nice and easy. Answer: Yes.
Mr. Murder wakes up and they discuss his amazing possessive douche canoe conquest. He looks, “like he’s won the World Series or the Super Bowl.” Don’t worry, Christian Grey, you have all the championship rings in the Abusive Boyfriend Super Bowl. All yours, buddy.
To prove that point, somehow the conversation about the guy getting inapropro with Ana quickly turns to, “LOL, I could beat you again!” because this is the Greys and of course.
I read on, expecting more of the lather, rinse, repeat, and sure enough, it’s time to get my HULKSMASH cap on, because ELJ’s about to up her own game. Or, rather, she’s about to get more blatant with her game. See, Grey’s pretty stoked about Ana’s ability to hit a man because, wait for it, he wishes she’d struggle a little more when he subdues her in bed. That’s right, Christian Grey finally comes out an admits (though still not using the actual word) that he wants to rape Ana good and proper. It’s no fun if the rape victim just goes limp and takes it! No, no, he’ll get off if she can convince him that she doesn’t want it and tries to fight him off.
“I thought you subdued me all the time.” I gasp as he nibbles my earlobe.
“Hmm . . . but I’d like some resistance,” he murmurs, his nose skirting my jaw.
I don’t really have words right now.
That…is somewhere in the neighborhood of how I currently feel. In the neighborhood, of course, because there really aren’t enough rage gifs to express the extent of my feels on this, “Rape is totally hot,” message.
Ana decides she’s up for this game, because ladies love rape. First, though, she’s gotta hydrate. (L: LOL. Always hydrate.) This happens less because of the hangover than so that we can get Ana being on the opposite end of the drunk baby bird feeding scheme. That was a really convoluted way of telling you that Ana basically spits water into Grey’s mouth. See, ’cause he did it to her and now she’s the one making important decisions like when Grey will consume her backwash. Totally empowering if we ignore all the sexual assault going on!
Lest you all doubt me, Ana asks for clarification before they get down to business:
“So I’m supposed to be unwilling?” I smirk.
“Yes.”
Look, people can be into whatever they’re into in the bedroom. If Christian Grey were a sane, non-probable murderer, I don’t think I’d be so horrified by this. But given that Christian Grey has been all about ignoring Ana’s wishes and doing shit she’s not into from the very beginning, I don’t know how you can look at this and not be utterly repulsed by this rather blatant confession that he just wants to rape her.
Oh, but wait! There’s more! So, in the beginning Ana isn’t sure if she’ll be much of an actress. Shortly after it begins, though, she “stops acting” and gets rather srsbsns about the pushing him off, to no avail because she’s an emaciated shell of a human. This whole bit is downright painful and horrifying to read because she alternates between telling us that she’s no longer acting and also how hot it is to push him off and have him not budge.
Best seller, you guys. We are reading a best seller.
Lor: I’m super confused about what the fuck she means by she stops acting. Because she says, “in response to this one whispered word, my libido explodes, and I stop acting.” So like she’s all, “oh boy! Gonna pretend I don’t want this because it makes my husband hot to see me struggle right before he exercises his complete will over me!” but then she gets so into the performance that it’s beyond acting? OR like, she doesn’t actually want her husband pinning her to the bed against her will? I DON’T KNOW.
Not that it changes anything. It was gross to read and I’d like to exfoliate my brain cells now.
Sweeney: I can’t actually clear that up for you.
While we were exfoliating our brain cells, they eventually jump out of this rape fantasy shit. It’s a little late for me, book, but cool. Sexytimes continue and Ana is confused when Grey compliments her on her beautiful skin. I’m pausing to acknowledge this because it gave me a much-needed laugh. I don’t know if you saw that Reddit thread / subsequent BuzzFeed copying of a Reddit thread on creepy shit children say, but one of the more horrifying entries was a parent who woke to find their toddler’s face right by their own. The toddler whispered, “I want to peel your skin off.” (In context: the parent was peeling from a sunburn. Fuck context, though.) My sister and I have found this funniest sentence in the whole world for the last month. We get all the confused/horrified stares you would expect when we forget that there are other people around. Anyway, I mention this story now because I think we’ve compared Christian Grey to Hannibal Lecter before and this line only added to that mental association for me.
Lor: Yeaaah, on the Hannibal Lecter train of thought, there were a crap ton of weird, one word exchanges between them during this whole quasi-rape-sex scene. He randomly says, “skin.” And Ana replies, “you.” SKIN YOU? SKIN YOU, REALLY?
He says, “fuck,” and then, “taste good?” and she replies, “Yes. Here.” WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Sweeney: That gif is how we feel each and every Wednesday.
Oh, FYI, we’re supposed to get over all the rape and Hannibal Lecter because in the end she “takes him at her pace/speed.” OK, book. OK.
After a paragraph break we further indulge this, “Ana’s totally running this show,” lie with Grey being “confounded” by Ana calling the shots. Probably because she’s not, Christian. What’s more, playing out the rape fantasy was an oh-so magical first with Ana, because none of his other submissives were ever allowed to touch him. That’s the real way to a girl’s heart — letting her know that she was your first rape fantasy.
Or, like, almost first, because there’s always Mrs. Rape. Ana’s heart swells with feels because Christian Grey half-heartedly admits that maybe statutory rape/actual rape times with his mother’s friend when he was teenager wasn’t entirely all that fun.
Lor: I swear to you that Ana gets off on Grey’s emotional trauma. She only wants to talk about all of his past stuff either before or after sex so she can be all, “OH MY LOST BOY. MY SCARRED MAN. MY VICTIM.” Maybe that’s how she deals with being the victim of her own life, is hanging on to the part where she believe that it’s all because Grey is the victim.
All I’m saying is maybe, once in a while, talk about that time your husband was raped over dinner and near sexy times.
Sweeney: Sex advice from ELJ-bot.
Later, Ana eats breakfast while Christian Grey stands outside talking to Mr. Housekeeper. This exchange is pointless, except that Ana sees him playing with something that looks like a cane and it makes her fucking uncomfortable. As it should. Then it’s all better because she and Kate are going to be sisters soon.
Section break, and then some pointless nonsense about their flight back to Seattle. Another section break and Ana and Christian are arriving back at Escala. They discuss the fact that they will once again be meeting with Evil Architect Gia that evening, and our once-a-page reminder that Christian Grey is just oh! so! interested! in “protecting” Ana.
After yet another section break, Ana muses to herself about the fact that they’ll be returning to their hilarious rendition of “real life” the following morning. We skip the actual run-in with Gia and just get it through Ana’s memory, in which Gia apparently did nothing wrong, was only in Aspen so she could hole up and dedicate herself to working on their renovation plans (which have now been approved so that construction can begin the following week and OMG nobody cares.) In spite of all the nothing wrong that Evil Gia has been up to, Ana remains suspicious of her, so I’m sure we’ll soon learn that she murders puppies or, like, worse yet — is a woman in control of her own sexuality!
Lor:
Sweeney: The next several pages and couple days are told primarily through the stupid email exchanges. As usual, nothing really happens. They spend their work days emailing about how ~*in love*~ they both are. They have to go to some ship builder’s association dinner thing, and this is really stupid, but I’m annoyed by the fact that this black tie dinner took place on a Monday night. That shit makes no sense.
Lor: I’m sorry, Christian Grey build ships? HOKAY.
Sweeney: Christian Grey is like an abusive Barbie doll with all of his career options.
Of course, Ana hopes Grey will find a way to “spice things up,” at this dinner (i.e. cooter balls) and we learn through the following day’s emails that he did, indeed, keep things “stimulating.” (Ew.)
More emails, which I normally hate, but I like how much page is taken up by so little content. It makes it feel like it’s going by faster. Jack’s in custody and charged with arson and attempted kidnapping, but no trial date. Ana wants security to be taken down a notch, but LOL we don’t do what Ana wants and she knows it.
They went sailing. Blah, blah, blah. I think the takeaway from these emails is that a week has passed without ELJ narrating every last detail and because that’s her jam, she can’t just be all, “Hey, a week later, some additional misogyny and boring shit continued to happen!”
Anyway, this prompts Ana to also acknowledge the calendar and the fact that we are now five days shy of her birthday.
Lor: September 10th. Ana Steele’s birthday is two days before mine. I feel like this was too close for comfort, yeah? I wonder if I have an legal options here.
Sweeney: With relatively little transition, it’s also revealed that Ana has a visitor: Leila Williams, otherwise known as the Ghost of Submissives Past. The chapter ends with Ana asking herself: “Fuck. What does she want?”
I will never get over how stupid ELJ’s chapter endings are.
Lor: I kind of feel bad that our recaps are shrinking, but guys, it’s the chapters. EL James is very much running out of things to say. I mean that happened long ago, but now it appears she’s running out of things to repeat, plagiarize and bastardize. And yet, she didn’t stop writing. Go figure.
Sweeney: Indeed, even E. L. James appears to have gotten bored with her shitty story.
Murmur Count – 10
Whisper Count – 11
Favorite comment last post: “Better than “worst crime against humanity” is the question right after that. Was it? I DON’T KNOW, ANA, WAS IT? You tell me, you’re the DAMN PROTAGONIST. Which is bad enough in itself, of course… I was under the impression, though, that Kate and Elliott wanted to go home, to, IDK, indulge in their carnal desires or whatever. So… why do they go to the club, then? Why put up with Grey and his definitely drunk though pregnant wife if you can help it?” – Corinna
Next time: Has the GSP come to kill Ana? Possibly. Probably not. Keep dreaming, though, until we find out for sure in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 16.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
